Where There's a Will...

by M. B. Feeney

  “He’s not living with me, he’s staying in the flat until he goes back home.”

  “Is he or is he not sleeping in his own room?”

  “What’s that got to do with anything?”

  “You didn’t answer the question, so I’m taking it as he’s sleeping in your room, in your bed. That means he’s more than just a lodger. You, my dear, are in a relationship, whether you like it or not.”

  “Nah… it’s not like that. It’s just… just…” What was I even trying to say?

  “Just nothing. Look, I know he’s leaving soon, and I honestly think you’ll be more broken up about it than you let on. You’re hiding behind the ‘it’s casual’ to try and stop yourself getting too involved, but watching the two of you, it’s too late; you’re already involved and invested. It’s not just you either, he watches you constantly, and it’s not in a ‘I want to shag you senseless’ way that guys do when they first meet someone. No, Will clearly doesn’t think it’s casual, it’s clear he knows and wants more… and you do too. You’re the only one trying to avoid getting serious.”

  I let out a big sigh. She wasn’t wrong, and I hated that fact. It was bad enough trying to maintain a relationship working the hours I do with someone who lived in this country permanently, never mind someone who was moving hundreds and thousands of miles away.

  “Fuck.”

  I decided to cry off work for the rest of the day. Gwen was completely capable and trustworthy. It was also a Tuesday evening, and nothing of consequence ever happens on a Tuesday evening. I claimed I had a migraine brewing and disappeared up to the flat while Will and Gwen bickered behind the bar good naturedly, entertaining the punters.

  Sitting in the living room, with a cup of tea, and the radio playing softly in the background, my mind was whirling. Was Gwen right about me and Will? Well, about Will. I knew, deep down, that I was lying to everyone and myself about my feelings. Gwen was right, I did want more out of this ‘thing’ with Will than I was showing.

  Knowing he would be going back to the US when he was finished working was causing conflict in my mind. I knew that if he stayed any longer, I was in serious danger of falling for him, and falling hard. Keeping myself distant from the idea of us being in a relationship was the only thing that was preventing that; and it was driving me crazy.

  “Hey, Zoe. You in here?” Will’s voice floated from the entrance to the flat into where I was sitting.

  “In here.” I placed my cup on the side table next to my chair as Will walked in and fell onto the sofa.

  “How you feeling?” His eyes bored into mine as he spoke.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. My meds have kicked in and the migraine’s easing off.”

  I felt guilty as not only did I not have a migraine, I hadn’t taken any medication at all. In the three hours since I’d left the pub, I had sat in my chair, drinking endless cups of tea and ignoring the radio.

  “That’s great.”

  For a few minutes, both of us sat in silence, not quite looking at one another, while the radio continued to play in the background. It wasn’t uncomfortable, far from it. It felt natural, and that scared me. We’d known each other for about two months, yet it was like he’d always been around. Like he’d always lived in my flat…

  “It’s pretty quiet downstairs, so Gwen sent me up here to check on you.”

  “I’m sure she did.” I muttered to myself. By the look on Will’s face, I realised he’d heard me. “Sorry, but Gwen’s a notorious busybody. There was no way she was going to let me stay up here by myself.”

  “She cares about you, about both of us.”

  It was then I knew, that without me around, Gwen had been talking to Will about me and our relationship. Rather than be pissed off at her, I was resigned. It should have been obvious that she would have given him a speech similar to the one she had given me. For some reason, she was determined for us to have something we couldn’t possibly maintain.

  “I know she does, it’s the best thing about her. It’s also, at times, the most annoying. She’s like a dog with a bone.” My analogy made Will laugh, and the sound filled the room. It was then I really knew how hard it was going to be for me when he returned home.

  Will

  For the fifth time in the space of fifteen minutes, I pulled my cell out of my pocket and got ready to dial. For the fifth time, I locked the screen and put it back.

  “Just dial the damn number.” Sam stood in the doorway of my makeshift office in my apartment after crashing on my couch. I looked up and flipped him off. “Seriously, it’s been three weeks since you got back, and every time I look at you, you’re staring at your cell willing it to ring, Zoe’s name lighting up your screen.”

  “You’re blowing shit way out of proportion.” He wasn’t, but there’s no way I was going to admit that to him. Leaving London was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do, but I’d had to. I couldn’t stay forever, in the hopes that a girl would see I was crazy about her. To Zoe, what we’d had was something casual, something that wasn’t ever going to last. In all honesty, I couldn’t blame her; we’d never specified what exactly was happening between us.

  At the beginning, it was casual. It was what it was, and I was happy with that, but the more time I spent with her the more…

  “Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.” Sam rolled his eyes at me and left me alone. I pretended to work. The video we’d shot in London was as finished as it was ever going to be, and me watching it one more time wasn’t going to improve on it anymore. With a sigh, I turned away from my desk and went out to the coffee house I was a regular at.

  “Will, you want your regular?” Shawna, one of the baristas, called out as I walked in. Nodding my agreement, I pulled the money out of my pocket and set it on the counter.

  “Thanks Shawna.” I left the counter to go and sit in a booth. As soon as I sat down, I pulled my phone out of my pocket again. Zoe’s number was in my speed dial, and more than anything, I wanted to call it and hear her voice again. Mentally talking myself out of it, I put my phone face down on the table, and sipped my coffee as I remembered the last day we spent together.

  Without opening my eyes, I patted the bed beside me. It was still warm, but empty. Sitting up, I checked the clock on the shelf on Zoe’s side of the bed. It was just after midnight, and Zoe wasn’t in bed with me.

  Pulling on some pyjama pants, I walked along the hallway to the lounge. My case sat just inside the door, waiting for me to put the last of my things in it before my flight back home.

  Zoe was curled up in her favourite chair in the dark. For a few minutes, I stood in the doorway, watching her. She looked like she was looking at my case, but I couldn’t be sure.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” I finally spoke up, making her jump as she looked over at me. The light filtered in from behind me into the room, highlighting her face. She looked exhausted.

  “Nothing, just couldn’t sleep.”

  Somehow, I didn’t quite believe her. She didn’t meet my eyes as she spoke, and she sounded as if she could sleep for a week. I moved across the room to her, curling myself around her, pulling her onto my lap as I slid into the chair. I wasn’t sure how I did it, but within seconds Zoe’s scent and presence surrounded me. We sat there, in silence, for what felt like forever; my arms around her as she rested her head in the crook of my neck.

  “Let’s go for a walk.” I spoke softly, trying not to disturb the silence in the room.

  “It’s one in the morning; are you crazy?” Zoe’s head lifted up as she looked at me, confusion and shock on her gorgeous face.

  “Maybe a little.” With a smile, I pushed her off my lap and dragged her into the bedroom to throw on some clothes. “Come on. It’s Sunday, you don’t have to open up later. We have all the time in the world.”

  But we didn’t, not at all. We had less than twenty-four hours left together, and I wished more than anything that I could slow time down. Sadly, it was impossible. Once Zoe was dressed, I pulled her
out of the flat, downstairs, and out into the street.

  “Why are we doing this?” Zoe asked me as I wrapped an arm around her and pulled her tight against my side. “Apart from the fact that you’re insane.”

  “I’m not insane. We don’t have much time left together, and I hate that, so why should we waste time sleeping through at least six hours of that time?”

  My words stuck in my throat as I said them, and I was determined not to let my emotions get the better of me; not tonight, not now. It was too late, and I just wanted to make the most of the time we had left. Zoe was muttering against my chest. I pulled away to catch her wondering why we had to do it outside, making me laugh.

  “Why shouldn’t we be? It’s not raining, it’s not too cold, and it’s quiet.”

  “All of which can be said for my flat. Plus, there’s coffee there too.” She was grumbling and griping, but neither deterred me from enjoying myself.

  “Stop complaining and enjoy the beauty of this city at a time you usually don’t get to experience it.”

  We stopped walking along the street and I wrapped my arms around her again, pulling her flush against my chest. She rested her cheek right where my heart was, and I didn’t want to move a muscle; I wanted to stay in this moment for forever. Unfortunately, that wasn’t possible. I had a late-night flight in roughly twenty-four hours, and I wasn’t sure when I’d be back in the UK, if ever. Which meant, it was unlikely I’d ever see Zoe again, let alone wake up next to her, wrapped up in the scent of her.

  The thought of being separated physically hurt, but I was determined not to show it. We were a casual thing for Zoe, and it was obvious that she would be fine when I left. I needed to have the same attitude, on the outside at least, so I wouldn’t ruin this last day together.

  “It is a beautifully clear night, and the stars look amazing.” Her voice was full of wonder as she leaned her head back and looked directly up. “It's been a long time since I’ve seen the stars.”

  Zoe sounded almost wistful as she pulled herself out of my arms and turned slowly on the spot, never moving her gaze from the inky sky above us.

  “You should come out to the US. In my home town, all you see is stars as soon as the sun sets; as far as the eye can see.”

  “It sounds amazing.”

  It did, the thought of her coming over to the US to visit was like music to my ears, music I never wanted to stop listening to.

  “Let’s keep walking.” I took hold of her hand, and we carried on walking. For three hours we wandered through the quiet side streets, avoiding the revellers who were starting to leave pubs and clubs in drunken search of cabs home. Eventually, we returned to the pub, crawled into bed in a tangle of legs, arms, kisses, and bare skin.

  Once we woke up, we spent the day in bed, watching crappy movies and eating even crappier food. The only time either one of us left the confines of her duvet was to go to the bathroom or to get food or a drink. Well, until it was time for me to get showered and dressed. I had to be at Heathrow three hours before my flight to LAX which meant I wouldn’t be home for at least sixteen hours.

  With a final, lingering kiss at the pub door, I left Zoe and climbed into a cab. For the first time in my life, I understood all those love songs about being heartbroken and feeling incomplete. As I boarded my flight, I realised I loved Zoe.

  “Hey, Will. You okay?” Shawna’s voice jolted me out of my memories. She was wiping down my table and collecting my empty cup.

  “Yeah, sure.” I slid my phone back into my pocket, and stood to leave.

  “Take care of yourself.” It was clear from the tone of her voice that she didn’t believe me.

  When I got back to the apartment, I found myself drifting in and out of my memories of Zoe instead of working. Sam noticed, of course he did, and gave me another lecture about getting back in contact with Zoe. When I told him to leave it be, he huffed and got ready to leave for rehearsals with the band.

  “I’ll leave you to it, but you need to work out what you’re doing with your life, and when you’re going to admit to yourself that you’ve left the best thing to ever happen to you back in London.”

  As the door closed behind him, I dropped my head to the desk, relishing the pain that shot through my forehead as it made contact with the hard surface.

  “Fuck.”

  After the guys released the new video online, I had a few days break and decided to hide away in my apartment. I shut out the world by playing music at ear splitting volume and completely rearranged the space in which I lived. Not only had it been a little abandoned while I’d been in the UK and needed a deep clean, but everything seemed to annoy me, so for a change, I moved my furniture round and tried to ignore the fact that I was hiding from life, big time.

  Exhaustion seemed to be the only way I was able to sleep when I wasn’t busy with work. Every time I tried to ‘switch off’, I was plagued by memories and mental images of Zoe. Laughing at me, smiling at me, naked under me… it needed to stop, but if I was honest with myself I didn’t exactly want it to. The memories of her, of our time together, were driving me insane, but keeping part of me with her at the same time.

  After three days of doing nothing but working myself to the bone in the apartment so as not to think about her, and thinking of nothing but her, I couldn’t keep going. I needed more than the space around me. As I packed, I called Sam to let him know I was going ‘off the grid’ for a while. If the guys needed me at all, they would just have to wait.

  Sam seemed to assume I was heading back to London, but I wasn’t. I decided to drive out of state to visit my sister Lisa. The drive took me over seven hours with only one stop for snacks. I wasn’t in a rush and enjoyed the scenery as I headed into the gorgeous backcountry.

  “Will, what are you doing here?” Lisa asked as she and Malorie watched me from the porch on their old farm house.

  “What? I can’t come and visit my big sister and her amazing wife?” My voice was syrupy thick as I tried to joke through the unease I felt.

  “Of course you can, but you’ve never just turned up out of the blue. What’s wrong?” Her arms wrapped round me as she hugged me, her question containing the kind of worry only an older sibling can manage in two words.

  “Nothing. I just needed a break.” I untangled myself from her arms and pulled Malorie into a tight hug. “Hey Mal. The place is looking great.”

  Ever since their wedding three months previously, Lisa and Malorie had been refurbishing the farm house to suit their needs. Mal was a freelance journalist and my sister had just finished studying to be a veterinarian and wanted to work with farm animals rather than regular household pets.

  “Yeah, it does. It still needs some work though; are you willing to lend us those strong arms of yours?” She teased, squeezing my biceps.

  “Sure, just point me in the right direction first thing in the morning.” I glanced at my cell to check the time. I ignored the missed calls and messages from Sam. It was almost eight in the evening. “I need a decent meal and a beer if anything’s going spare.”

  Lisa rolled her eyes at my grin, but led me inside without saying a word.

  “So, baby brother, what’s the real reason for you turning up on my doorstep?” Lisa sat next to me on the couch as Mal disappeared into her study to work.

  “Why does there need to be a reason?” I dodged her question, but knew it wouldn’t last.

  “Will, I love you, but you’re an awful liar. Plus, that bit between your eyebrows is pinched, and that usually means something’s going on with you.”

  Driving to see my sister was a split-second decision, and I was beginning to question it. No one knew me as well as she did, sometimes even better than I knew myself; there was going to be no lying to her. I took a deep breath and began to talk.

  It didn’t take long for me to lay out the facts of meeting Zoe, the back and forth flirting and that led her friends and mine to suggest sexual tension between us.

  “Both me and Zoe i
gnored them for quite a while, but the more time I spent with her, and the more we bantered, the more I wanted her. If I’m honest, I thought once we’d acted on any impulses, it would put an end to whatever was going on.”

  “Let me guess, it didn’t.”

  “No, it didn’t. It was supposed to be casual, no strings. But I got caught in those strings, and now I can’t seem to get my head straight.”

  “It sounds like you’ve fallen in love Will.”

  I spluttered at the sound of the ‘L’ word. Admitting how I felt was different to someone else saying it out loud.

  “Don’t look at me like that. Love isn’t something that needs cultivating like a house plant. Most of the time it’s like a damn juggernaut, hitting you in the gut with full force and pretty much out of nowhere.”

  “How can I love someone without really knowing them?” It was something that had been going over in my mind since my flight home.

  “Will, you practically lived with the woman for a decent amount of time. You know her more than you realise, and she knows you too.”

  As I sipped at my almost empty bottle of beer, I thought about what she was saying. Thinking back to my time in London, I realised that I’d watched Zoe a lot. She had quirks that often gave away what she was thinking or feeling. When she was about to laugh, her entire face lit up as she threw her head back letting out the sound that set others off. Her concentration face was stern and almost devoid of emotion. You could speak to her for hours and she wouldn’t hear a word. Then, when she was nervous, she picked at her bottom lip with her long nails.

  “You might be right, to a degree; but even if you are, it’s all moot anyway. I’ve come back to the States, and she’s in London knowing that everything is over, as it should be.”

  “With you feeling this way, it’s far from over Will. You need to either come to terms with never seeing her again and attempt to move on, or you need to speak to Zoe and make it clear how you feel about her. At least if she doesn’t feel the same, you get closure once and for all and go from there.”