Earthman Jack vs. The Secret Army (Earthman Jack Space Saga Book 2)

by Matthew Kadish

“Shut up!” the rest of the Directors said.

  “I had the same reaction, Director Jamerones,” said Alabaster. “Particularly after talking with the Earthman. He doesn’t exactly strike me as the type capable of accomplishing such a thing.”

  “Is there any evidence to back up this claim?” asked Casgor.

  “According to the Earthman, both the Princess and the Rognok were there when he fought the Deathlord. However, he said both were unconscious at the time. So as of now, we only have the Earthman’s word to go on.”

  “And how does the Earthman claim he defeated the Deathlord?” asked Phenberg.

  “When I asked him that, he said, and I quote…” replied Alabaster, looking at his notes on his datapad, “I’m just that awesome.”

  The Directors all looked at Alabaster silently. “What does that mean?” asked Casgor. “Awesome?”

  “I am unsure, Director,” said Alabaster. “But apparently it’s an Earth term which I take to mean ‘extremely good.’”

  “Did the Earthman elaborate any further?” asked Jamerones.

  “I did press him for more details,” said Alabaster. “To which he replied ‘I beat him with my mind. It was totally sweet.’”

  “Sweet?” asked Ridsco. “As in sugary?”

  “Again, it appears to be Earth-slang for ‘extremely good,’” said Alabaster. “But regardless as to whether the Earthman did indeed defeat a Deathlord Supreme, all involved seem to confirm that the Planetkiller fleet is no more.”

  “Let me see if I’m following you correctly, Chief,” Casgor said. “You mean to tell me that the most feared and powerful spacefleet in the known universe… one which the Empire, with all our advanced military might has fought and lost against for years… was annihilated by an alien child, a dumb brute, an absent-minded egghead, an obviously malfunctioning robot… and a Visini?”

  “A Visini pirate, yes sir,” said Alabaster.

  “Oh, yes, heaven forbid we leave that little tidbit out,” muttered Casgor.

  “I’m afraid that’s not the entire tidbit, Director,” continued Alabaster. “The Visini in question appears to be one Scallywag the Red, formerly Scullian of House Solohan, and Harkon the Black’s second in command.”

  Director Zersee began coughing in a fit, as though he were allergic to Alabaster’s words. “Har… Harkon the Black?” he gasped.

  Jamerones buried his eyes in his hand. “Fantastic,” he muttered. “Add war criminal to that motley list of the Empire’s latest heroes. Why not?”

  “You’re certain of this?” asked Casgor. “That this is THE Scallywag the Red?”

  “Quite certain, sir.”

  “And he assisted in not only saving the Princess, but destroying the Planetkiller fleet?”

  “By all accounts, his role was instrumental in it, sir.”

  “Come now, what’s it matter?” said Phenberg. “You could tell me a pack of fornicating gillybeasts was responsible. Are we forgetting the fact that this is not only a crushing blow to the Deathlords, but that news of this victory would be a huge morale boost for the planets within the Empire?”

  “A morale boost?” said Casgor with disdain. “Maybe for a week or two. But before long every news outlet in the galaxy is going to wonder how the dregs of society were able to accomplish in a matter of days what the entire might and full resources of the Regalus Empire could not accomplish in nearly a decade. We’re weak enough as it is. What happens when the Legacies get it in their heads that they do not need our fleets and start recruiting robots, pirates, and any Rognoks that are still walking around thinking that’s all they’ll need to protect themselves? We’d have an avalanche of planets declaring independence in no time. Not to mention the diplomatic nightmare that will happen once the Visini discover we’re celebrating Harkon the Black’s right hand as a hero! We know they’ve been eyeing our border territories since the Great Border War ended. This would give them the exact excuse they’ve been looking for to start another invasion.”

  “With the Planetkillers gone, we’d have the resources to repel them,” argued Phenberg.

  “That’s not the point,” growled Jamerones. “We’d be laughing stocks. And the last thing we need right now is another blasted war to fight!”

  “I say,” muttered Zersee. “If it weren’t for the Princess herself vouching for this cockamamie story, I’d be tempted to think it was completely made up. How old is this Earthman again?”

  “Fifteen cycles of age, apparently, sir,” replied Alabaster.

  “Fifteen!” guffawed Ridsco. “I have bottles of Halperion brandy older than him! And he’s the one responsible for defeating the Deathlords? I can hardly believe it.”

  “Yes…” said Casgor quietly. “It is hard to believe, isn’t it?”

  All eyes turned to Casgor. “What are you thinking, Uleeg?” asked Jamerones.

  “Gentlemen, this is one of those rare situations where the truth is so ridiculous, the public will be more willing to believe a lie,” Casgor replied. “Letty said it himself. It is truly unbelievable. If I were not being briefed personally by the Chief of Imperial Intelligence, I’d say this was a bad piece of fantasy fiction someone wrote to entertain simple-minded beings of questionable worthiness to society.”

  “Are you actually suggesting we manufacture a story to tell the public about this victory?” asked Phenberg.

  “Why not?” replied Casgor. “We can come up with something far better than what actually happened, I’m sure.”

  “The Princess would never stand for lying to the public,” said Jamerones.

  “She would if she knew what was at stake if the truth got out,” replied Casgor. “And if we give proper credit and reward to her companions. She would have no cause to complain.”

  “And what of her companions?” asked Ridsco. “What if they decide not to go along with it?”

  “Rognoks don’t talk, the robot has disappeared, and the Visini certainly wouldn’t want a high profile, considering his war crime status,” said Casgor. “This Trundel, Green, he can be paid off with a more prestigious position to keep him occupied, so he won’t have any interest in contradicting us. And even if the truth were to get out, no one would really believe it barring the Princess herself confirming the story.”

  “And the Earthman, Director?” asked Alabaster. “What of him?”

  “You said his planet was destroyed?” asked Casgor. “If he’s the only survivor of his people, then he’ll go along with whatever we tell him. Despite his accomplishments, he’s still a child. His new home is with us now, and he’ll want to fit in. I don’t believe we’ll have anything to worry about as far as he’s concerned, particularly if we reward him in such a way to make him dependent upon us.”

  “Then what shall our story be?” asked Jamerones.

  “You said the Earthman flies a spaceship built by the Ancients?” Casgor asked, looking at Alabaster. “Then who’s to say that Earth did not have a fleet of these spaceships? Thousands, all as advanced and wondrous as this one? Piloted by Earth children because of their… I don’t know… sharp reflexes or something. We can say the four Imperial Warships were destroyed defending Earth, and the Earth fleet heroically destroyed the Planetkillers, at the cost of their own planet and all but one of their ships. That is the type of battle I can believe occurred.”

  “Hmmmm…” said Ridsco. “I like this tale. It would be believable an advanced alien race descended from the Ancients lived in that area of space, since there is no real proof to contradict it. Having such an epic battle would not belittle our war efforts in the slightest, and we would still be able to honor the Earthman – and his people – in a public manner deserving of his achievements.”

  “Something which would surely please Princess Glorianna, no doubt,” chimed in Zersee.

  “Indeed,” said Casgor. “So we all agree that the truth behind this victory must be altered for the good of the Empire?”

  “Agreed,” the other four Directors said.

 
; “Very well,” Casgor continued. “Let us discuss the best way to go about this…”

  As the Directors began strategizing, Alabaster couldn’t help but ponder the implications of their decision. Something about it troubled him, even though he saw the logic behind their reasoning. But he was not in charge, they were. And for better or worse, the Directory had, for once, unanimously agreed on something.

  It was just a shame the one thing they all agreed on was a lie.

  Chapter 5

  There were so many buttons on the remote control, Jack had no idea what most of them did. In fact, he considered it a small victory simply to figure out how to change the channel of the visual display on the wall. Eventually, he found the holonet channel listing guide, only to discover there were approximately one hundred and fifty thousand different stations from which to choose.

  Being cooped up in his assigned apartment in the Royal Tower for almost a week was starting to wear on him, no matter how comfy and luxurious the accommodations were. So Jack simply spent most of his time channel surfing, hoping to find something to watch which didn’t bore him to tears or utterly confuse him. Jack had been expecting to see some news stories talking about what had happened with the Deathlords and the Ghost Planet, but so far he hadn’t seen anything being reported. He didn’t understand any of the political stuff on the news, and the fashion and entertainment stories were all foreign to him, as well. He was so bored, he was desperate for anything to watch to pass the time.

  Finally, he stumbled across a show which caught his eye. He tuned in just as the title card popped up, which read: Rognok – A History of Violence. The screen then faded to an aged, but dignified, Regal who spoke with a pitch-perfect narrator voice. “Welcome back,” the narrator said. “The discovery of the harsh and desolate planet of Rognok by the young Emperor Delleface during the Age of Conquest was indeed a curious one. Up to this point in history, every planet connected to the Portgate network seemed to hold some value to the now growing Regalus Empire. Suspecting there may have been more to Rognok than initially met the eye, Emperor Delleface mounted an expedition to explore the planet, determined to discover whatever might be hiding there. He would not have to look very far…”

  The image faded to a group of Regal soldiers, led by a handsome young man, as they walked along a rough and rocky yellow terrain. The word “Dramatization” popped up in the lower right corner of the image. Just as the group of explorers made it over a ridge, the leader suddenly looked surprised and pointed off-screen. The camera panned to reveal two painfully obvious computer-generated Rognoks walking together toward them.

  “First contact with the Rognok people was indeed a surprise, since it was widely believed the planet would be unable to harbor any kind of life, due to its lack of vegetation or water. Eager to make contact with a new alien race, Emperor Delleface approached the Rognoks, making an offer of peace and good-will toward their people.”

  The actor playing Delleface proudly approached the two Rognoks, holding his hand up in greeting, and introducing himself. The Rognoks looked at each other, looked back at the Emperor, and then promptly smashed him into the ground with their fists.

  “It was the last thing Delleface would ever do,” said the narrator. “Horrified at the news of his brother’s death, the newly crowned Emperor Louderkirk ordered a full-scale invasion to get revenge on the callous creatures that had killed his predecessor. Thus began… the Rognok War.”

  The screen then cut to footage of a huge army clashing with an equally huge number of Rognoks in an all-out melee. So much dust was being kicked up that hardly any of the fighting was visible. Occasionally, bodies would emerge from the cloud, with Regal soldiers flying through the air every which way as the Rognoks punched and mauraded through the army’s ranks. The words “Actual Historical Footage” popped up at the bottom of the screen, as a platypus-like alien field reporter with a duck’s beak, extremely tight khaki shorts, and a wide-brimmed hat with part of its rim pinned to the side spoke to the camera.

  “Crikey!” exclaimed the reporter. “Would ya look a’ that? Tha Regal Army is gettin’ their bums handed to ‘em by these majestic creatures!”

  One unlucky Regal soldier screamed as he flew by the camera, having been thrown out of battle by one of the Rognoks.

  “Tha battle’s been ragin’ fa hours!” exclaimed the reporter, his duck-bill curled into a smile, as though he were enjoying himself. “Already, it’s obvious tha Regal weapons are useless against tha beasts! An’ tha fight has devolved inta an all-out free-for-all! Any attempt ta communicate with tha enemy has been met with brute force! If there’s one thing fa certain, it’s that these noble Rognok natives love ta fight!”

  In the distance, a Rognok could be seen leaping into the air, landing heavily right next to the reporter, who looked up at the large creature excitedly. “Wow, ain’t you a beauty!” exclaimed the reporter, right before the Rognok grabbed him and threw him far into the distance. The reporter yelled “Ooooo! You’re a little bit naughty!” as he soared away. The picture then faded back to the show’s narrator.

  “Much to Emperor Louderkirk’s dismay, this species of Rognoks proved to be formidable foes on the battlefield – strong, resilient, and seemingly tireless. It appeared as though the greatest army in the known universe had finally met its match. Desperate, Emperor Louderkirk tried one last shot at diplomacy…”

  Another dramatization was shown, this time with a robotic ambassador approaching two CGI Rognok generals with its hand held up in greeting. The Rognoks looked to one another, looked back at the robot, and then promptly smashed it into the ground with their fists.

  “After his embarrassing failure, both in battle and in diplomacy, Emperor Louderkirk ordered a retreat of Regal forces. Since it appeared the Rognoks had no interest in exploration or travel beyond their own planet – and the fact that there was absolutely nothing of value on it worth fighting for anyway – Emperor Louderkirk made the historic decree to ban all travel to the Rognok Portgate, effectively cutting these unstoppable and savage aliens out of all contact with the Empire. Thus, the Rognoks remained free to fight among themselves as the Empire moved on to bigger and better conquests… at least, until Emperor Vaxbass was crowned. When we return, we’ll take a look at the first Emperor to successfully communicate with a Rognok, and his doomed quest to build an Imperial-controlled army out of the seemingly unstoppable aliens.”

  Jack was about to change the channel as the show went to commercial when the doorbell rang. He sat up, surprised that someone was actually visiting him, and ran to answer it. The door slid open with a soft hiss, and standing on the other side was a robot, not much bigger than Jack. It was humanoid in shape, made of shiny bright metal, with a boxy head and two big yellow ocular orbs for eyes. Its mouth consisted of a rectangular slit which glowed red when it spoke. “Greetings, Earthman Jack Finnegan!” it said.

  “Uh… greetings,” Jack replied.

  “I am Diplomatic Attaché Android model number EX7674846N, at your service, sir.”

  “Diplomatic what?” asked Jack.

  “Diplomatic Attaché Android,” the robot said. “I have been assigned to assist you during your stay. The Galactic Regalus Empire consists of 100 planets and close to 700 colonies, outposts, and space stations, not to mention upwards of 50 different species of sentient aliens, all with their own customs, laws, religions, and languages. Dealing with so many cultures and governments can be quite difficult. Therefore, we Diplomatic Attaché Androids are dispatched to help educate and inform visiting dignitaries of the various cultures and species you will be interacting with during your time here at the capitol. I am specially outfitted with extensive databases concerning all aspects of life in the Regalus Empire and suited to answer any and all queries you may have about your new surroundings.”

  “Oh!” said Jack. “Cool! Uh, come on in.” Jack stepped aside as the robot shuffled into the room. Its movements seemed very stiff and jerky. It looked around, taking in its
surroundings as Jack gave it a curious look. “So, do you have a name?” Jack asked.

  “Diplomatic Attaché Android, model number EX7674846N,” the robot replied.

  “Yeah, yeah, I got that,” said Jack. “Don’t you have a shorter name? Something a bit easier to remember?”

  “Ah, yes,” replied the robot. “In service to former visiting dignitaries, I have previously been referred to as ‘hey you,’ ‘robot,’ ‘trash heap,’ ‘android,’ ‘worthless creature,’ and ‘moron.’ Any of which are perfectly acceptable.”

  Jack’s eyes went wide. “Uh… they don’t sound very acceptable to me,” he said. “In fact, they’re kinda rude.”

  “Rude, sir?”

  “Yeah,” said Jack. “Don’t you get angry when people call you such horrible names?”

  “I do not have emotions, sir,” replied the robot. “My purpose is to serve. As long as I fulfill the duties that are required of me from the being I am assigned to assist, I am achieving the goal of my programming.”

  “Yeah, well, if we’re gonna be hanging out, you need a name – a real name,” said Jack. “Have any preferences?”

  “Well, now that you’ve asked,” said the robot. “I always did think that model number AW766E had a nice ring to it.”

  Jack scrunched his face up. “I’m not big on numbers,” he said. “Where I’m from, we like to try to keep our names short so they’re easy to remember.”

  “I’m certain any name you choose to give me will be perfectly acceptable, sir.”

  Jack crossed his arms and tilted his head thoughtfully as he looked at the robot. He almost felt like he was trying to figure out a good name for a pet. “Hmmmmm…” said Jack. “You’re silver and shiny… maybe Quicksilver? Nah, that’s dumb. You’re not very quick anyway. You’re a robot so… Robodude? No, no, that’s even dumber. What about Brad? Or Jimmy? Crap, you so don’t look like a Brad or a Jimmy. Let’s see… maybe we can do something with your initials? Diplomatic Attaché Android… D – A – A… Daa? No. Android, android… A – N… D – A – A – N… Daan? Dan? DAN! That’s it! Your name is Dan!”