Earthman Jack vs. The Secret Army (Earthman Jack Space Saga Book 2)

by Matthew Kadish

  “There are many things,” informed Dan. “You’ll want to try to be familiar with as many of the races of the Empire as possible. Not to mention the proper formalities that must be followed. And then, of course, there is your appearance to consider.”

  “What’s wrong with my appearance?” asked Jack.

  “Oh, how you look is extremely important, sir,” replied Dan. “For many, this is the first time they will be seeing you. It is vital we put forth an acceptable image.”

  “Okay, dress me up, throw some product in my hair, and we’re good to go,” said Jack. “Next!”

  “If you had read your email, sir, you’d know that Princess Glorianna has assigned her personal stylist to assist you in preparing for the dinner.”

  Jack rolled his eyes. “Oh, my DUDE!” he exclaimed. “I am not going to let some weirdo play dress-up with me. Just send Anna an email saying I don’t want her freakin’ stylist. I’ll wear my own clothes.”

  “I’m afraid it is too late for that, sir,” said Dan just as the doorbell rang. “Ah! That will be the stylist now!”

  “You gotta be kidding me,” muttered Jack as he got to his feet to answer the door, definitely not in the mood for whatever craziness awaited him.

  Jack opened the door and three four-foot tall, light-blue skinned aliens came prancing in, not bothering to wait for an invitation. They had stubbly feet and tiny arms, but long, slender necks upon which bulbous heads rested, each one sporting a bizarre aqua-green colored hairdo. They were all clad in glittery dresses, and no sooner had they spun around and settled inside the apartment, than two of them produced glistening trumpets and blew into them melodically.

  “Make way for the Sultan of Style, the Forbearer of Fashion, the Godfather of Glamour – the one, the only: FABU!” sang one of the tiny aliens, before producing a tiny device which she tapped, blaring the most cheesy synthpop music Jack had ever heard.

  As soon as the music began, another alien flamboyantly entered the room. This one was more humanoid, its tall, slender body standing at least six feet two – eight inches of which belonged to his neck. He was clad in a tight fitting leopard-print body suit with a high collar, and the spots seemed to move and dance over the obnoxiously orange velvety fabric. His long and curly hair stuck out at odd angles, with a big tuft at its center, making it look like a large purple octopus sat atop his head. A zebra-striped half-cape was draped over one shoulder, and in the hand opposite, he held a pink staff with a large, circular, holographic orb at its head.

  The alien whipped off his cape dramatically, letting one of the smaller aliens catch it, then stabbed the floor with his staff as though he were staking a claim of land. He made a cutting motion across his long neck with his hand and the music instantly stopped. Then, he looked down at Jack with glowing green eyes, his pale grey skin peppered with dark freckles, and smiled a great big confident smile.

  “’Allo,” he said. “My name is… Fabu!”

  “Fabu!” whispered the three smaller aliens as they danced around him.

  “And I am here to make you fabulous!” he said.

  “Fabulous!” the alien entourage whispered.

  Jack had seen a lot of strange things since he’d been introduced to the universe at large. But what he was witnessing now truly left him speechless. “Uh…” Jack replied.

  “If I may, sir,” Dan chimed in, walking up next to him. “Fabu is the official Royal fashionsmith. He is one of the most famous and acclaimed stylist in all the Empire…”

  “Psh. Silly robot!” Fabu said indignantly. “Would you call Rex Halfshod a mere ‘actor’? Would you call Emperor Janis a mere ‘conqueror’? Would you call Beatrix LeBeouff a mere ‘courtesan’? Of course not! Then do not refer to Fabu as a mere ‘stylist.’ I am an image consultant to the most famous beings in the Empire. A master fashionsmith of the highest caliber – a legend in my own time. I make it so all who lay eyes upon my work are blinded by its beauty! I do with clothes what artists do with paint. I make ART! And I have graced you with my presence today to ensure you are the most fabulous Earthman anyone has ever and will ever see!”

  “Well that shouldn’t be too hard, considering I’m the only Earthman any of these people are ever gonna—” began Jack before Fabu mushed a finger awkwardly up against his lips.

  “Shhhhhh…” said Fabu. “Just let it happen.”

  “Let it happen,” whispered his assistants.

  Before Jack could react, the tiny aliens twirled him around, where he faced a holographic reflection of himself, projected by the orb on Fabu’s staff. Jack looked at the image curiously, moving his hand and arms to see it mimic his movements. “Cooool…” muttered Jack, watching with amazement as his mirror image mouthed the same sentiment.

  “Let us begin, shall we?” Fabu said as he slapped a circular device, its center glowing a bright blue, upon Jack’s chest. “Lucky for us, no one is familiar with your planet, so we are free to invent a unique style just for you. I am thinking… hmmmm… perhaps we start with the formal dress of the Hibiteebee?”

  “Brilliant…” whispered the assistants.

  The center of the circular device shone brightly as Fabu tapped at the holographic head of his staff, and suddenly, Jack was wearing an embarrassingly tight tie-dyed body suit with a neckline so low, his nipples and belly button were peeking out of it. Jack yelped and quickly tried to cover himself with his hands as Fabu looked at him appraisingly. “Yes, yes, yes,” mused Fabu. “It is quite fitting for your body type, no?”

  “No!” shrieked Jack. “What did you do?”

  “Fabu employs advanced holographic technology to simulate different fashions before he makes them, sir,” replied Dan. “What you are seeing is actually a hologram overlaid upon your original clothing.”

  “So… my nipples aren’t really showing?” asked Jack.

  “No, sir,” replied Dan.

  Jack relaxed a bit and looked at Fabu. “Uh… I’m really not digging the whole skin-tight body suit thing,” Jack said. “And while we’re at it, exposed belly button is off limits.”

  Fabu frowned. “I see, I see. Well, you are a great hero. Perhaps we should do something more warrior-ish? Perhaps a Xiamlee style? They attend formal functions in full battle armor.”

  “Hmmmm. Battle armor sounds cool,” said Jack.

  Fabu tapped at this holographic staff head once more, and suddenly, Jack was clad head-to-toe in bulky metal armor which he could barely see out of. When he did manage to turn his head at the right angle, he looked like he was clad in a collection of ornate soup cans.

  “Yeah… not feeling this one either,” said Jack.

  “Yes, we should not be hiding your charming little face, methinks,” replied Fabu. “Let us try an Oikazoid formal dress. They are quite wonderful.”

  The next outfit had Jack in a miniskirt with long stockings and a metal breastplate with the biggest shoulder pads ever invented. Jack’s reflection looked just as displeased as Jack did. “Y’know, maybe we could try something a little more… normal?” Jack asked.

  “Define ‘normal,’ sweet thing,” Fabu replied.

  “Well, where I’m from, if we were gonna dress up, we’d have to wear a suit. Like… pants, a button-up shirt, a necktie, and a jacket.”

  “Ah, interesting,” muttered Fabu as he tapped on his staff. “So something more like this?”

  Jack was now clad in a sharp, charcoal colored three-piece suit. He smiled and turned, looking at his reflection. “Yeah, that’s more like it!” he said, admitting to himself that he looked pretty good in a sharply tailored suit.

  “Ugh, but is so boring!” lamented Fabu.

  “So boring,” whispered his entourage.

  “We must strive for fabulous, must we not?” asked Fabu. “If this is what you’re comfortable with, let us see if we cannot make it a little more interesting?”

  Jack was almost afraid to see what Fabu had in mind as the alien tapped the head of his staff yet again. Then, the clothes began t
o morph. His pants receded into knee-high boots and his jacket melded into a high-collared uniformed doublet that buttoned across the side of his chest. Jack gazed at the new style, which looked like a formal military uniform with a fashionable twist to it, and smiled. “Wow,” he said. “Now we’re talking!”

  Fabu chuckled. “Still not quite there yet…” he said.

  The color of the outfit changed to a brilliant, pure white, with gold trim that seemed to glitter in the light. A small half-cape was added, which draped across Jack’s back and right shoulder. Jack looked at his reflection wide-eyed. “Holy crap!” said Jack.

  “Is good, no?” said Fabu with a grin.

  “No! I mean – yes! It’s amazing!” said Jack. “I didn’t think I could ever look this good in my life!”

  “Is a start,” replied Fabu. “Now to figure out what to do with this hair…”

  With a few more taps to his staff, Jack’s hair morphed into a style very similar to Fabu’s, which Jack immediately voiced his displeasure with. Fabu then began to cycle through various different types of hairstyles, with different colors, lengths, and shapes, none of which seemed to please Jack very much. Finally, after what was probably the nineteenth pink hairdo with a matching mustache, Jack had to pipe up. “You know, where I come from, guys don’t really have super-fancy hairstyles,” Jack said. “We just kinda… spike it up or something.”

  “Spike it?” said Fabu, with just a hint of horror.

  “Yeah, you know – we just use gel or something to make it stand up?”

  Fabu sighed. “Yes, I am aware of the technique. So primitive!” Fabu tapped at his staff and instantly Jack’s chestnut hair became perfectly styled, his naturally unruly locks now spiked to perfection.

  “Yes!” cried Jack. “Nailed it!”

  “Have I?” mused Fabu, giving his staff a few more taps. Jack’s hair once again morphed slightly to a perfectly coifed hairdo with a high-lifted front, the spikiness subtly trimmed down to the point of making him appear more grown up than Jack ever imagined he could look. Jack simply gazed at his image in awe. He gingerly reached up to touch his hair, the hologram briefly fritzing out as his hand moved through it. “You like?” Fabu asked with a smile.

  “It’s… perfect,” said Jack, deeply impressed with the final result.

  “But of course it is. I designed it!” said Fabu with a bright, toothy grin, before snapping his fingers. “Happy dance time.”

  Fabu’s assistants cheered as one of them whipped out the music player and the synthpop began to blare once more. The entourage started to dance around in celebration as Fabu disengaged the holographic clothing, leaving up the final image of Jack for all to look at. Fabu placed his arm around Jack’s shoulders and gestured dramatically toward the image with his staff.

  “May I present to you, Earthman Jack – Hero of the Empire, Destroyer of Deathlords, and Savior to the whole Galaxy! I shall create an entire wardrobe befitting of your stature, accentuating your bravery and heroism for all to see. By the time I am done with you, the universe will see one thing, and one thing only – a Superhero! And you shall walk among the elite and powerful as a living testament to the nobility and strength of your people. What do you have to say to that?”

  Jack gazed at his image, clad in the brilliant white and gold uniform, smiling back at him confidently, with his amazing hair wafting in imaginary wind. It was Jack’s image all right, but it was a thousand times better than the real thing, at least in Jack’s mind. Jack looked like something he’d never actually felt he was – he looked like a hero. And in a weird way, that made him believe he could actually be one.

  He turned to Fabu, and smiled.

  “Fabulous,” Jack replied.

  Chapter 10

  Jack fidgeted nervously while standing before the large double doors leading into the Grand Hall inside the Royal Tower. The past two hours had been a dizzying array of briefings, prep, and last-minute notes from various Royal Secretaries and Event Organizers. Jack felt like he’d just crammed for a big test, and hadn’t felt so scared since the Deathlords had invaded his planet and tried to kill him.

  On the other side of those doors were untold alien races and his first official introduction to the universe at large. Everyone would be judging him by how he handled himself that night, and though he looked every bit the dashing hero thanks to Fabu, Jack certainly didn’t feel that way. The State Dinner was in his honor, but Jack would have preferred to simply skip the whole thing entirely. However, from what Jack could tell, certain things were simply expected within Regal society, and this was one of them.

  “Are you all right, sir?” Dan asked, the android at Jack’s side regarding him curiously.

  “Huh? Me?” replied Jack as he wiped his sweaty palms on the back of his pants. “I’m totally fine. Why?”

  “Your increased heart rate, breathing, and excess perspiration would suggest you are exceedingly nervous.”

  “It’s just… everyone’s going to be looking at me like I’m something special,” said Jack. “And they’re all going to be weird aliens, and there’s so much I have to remember…”

  “Do not worry, sir,” soothed Dan. “These events are quite orderly. You will have to do little more than exchange greetings and pleasantries. For those species that are unable to speak New Solar, I shall translate a pre-recorded greeting on your behalf. Before each dignitary is presented, I shall have a few moments to brief you on who they are and where they come from so that you will not be ignorant of their race, culture, or any relevant customs. I shall be at your side at all times and will be available to address any question or concern you may have.”

  Jack exhaled and smiled at Dan. “Thanks, robot buddy,” he said. “I guess that makes me feel a bit better.”

  Dan nodded his head. “My pleasure, sir,” the robot responded. “Shall I signal that you are ready to be introduced?”

  Jack took a deep breath and hopped up and down a few times. His heart was racing, and he felt jittery all over. He was about to walk onto a stage that the whole universe would be watching. He just prayed he wouldn’t trip and fall. “Right,” he said, steeling himself. “Let’s do this.”

  With that, Dan radioed to the Royal Herald. Jack stared at the ornate double-doors before him, and he could hear the muffled sound of trumpets and the Herald’s cybernetically-enhanced voice. “Esteemed attendees, it is my pleasure to introduce tonight’s Guest of Honor – the newest Hero of the Empire… Earthman Jack Finnegan!”

  The doors before him slowly swung open to reveal bright spotlights that shown down from overhead. As Jack entered the Grand Hall, he was almost awestruck as his eyes adjusted and he was able to see the entire event before him.

  The room was enormous, with three different tiers to it, each sporting long tables dressed with exquisite finery. High overhead was a cathedral-like vaulted ceiling. Upon the towering walls on either side of the room were long vertical digital windows, each window providing an artificial view of the city that could take one’s breath away. Majestic red banners sporting the golden eye of Legacy Prime hung everywhere, and orbs of light hovered in the air, casting a soft golden hue to the room which gave everything an aura of royalty.

  Though the room was enormous, it still didn’t seem big enough to fit everyone who was in attendance inside of it. There must have been thousands of people – different alien species of all kinds – who stood at once and applauded, cheering so loudly it was almost impossible to hear the music that was being played to accompany Jack’s entrance.

  Jack froze in place as he looked around, his wide eyes sweeping over the ocean of living beings that surrounded him, all clapping and hollering his name. He’d never seen a reception like this for anyone in his life – let alone for him – and for the briefest of moments, he found it overwhelming.

  “Sir,” came Dan’s voice through the din of the applause. “Please, follow me to the reception area.”

  Jack nodded dumbly and followed Dan as the robot led hi
m down the red carpet. The applause was still raging, and Jack felt a bundle of nerves tighten in his gut as he wondered how much longer everyone could continue clapping with such fervor. As he walked, he looked at the faces of those around him, both amazed and captivated by the variety of aliens he’d never seen, or even dreamed about, before.

  Jack followed Dan off to the side where a special section of the room had been cordoned off by holographic barriers, leading Jack to the reception line where uniformed robotic ushers stationed him to receive the other guests. The applause died down as the Royal Herald made his next announcement. “The Hero of the Empire will now receive our esteemed guests! Please approach the reception area, according to your assigned numbers.”

  Jack felt butterflies in his stomach as the aliens in the room began to make their way to him. He smoothed out his shirt and took a deep breath.

  “The honor of being the first to greet you goes to one of the most important men in the Empire,” said Dan. “His name is Armonto Virtuoso, and he is the President and CEO of the Maguffyn Corporation.”

  Jack turned and looked down the red-carpeted walkway as a tall, slender Regal began walking toward him. The man was dressed completely in black, his suit jacket covering him like a turtleneck, belted at the waist and tapering off into something that resembled the tails of a trenchcoat. He looked young, but his hair was already silver, slicked back and combed meticulously. He wore yellow-tinted glasses, and his eyes appeared pale behind them.

  “The Maguffyn Corporation?” Jack asked.

  “Yes, sir,” replied Dan. “Named after Paragon Shaemus Maguffyn, one of the greatest inventors the universe has ever known. His various creations were said to have been the catalyst for some of the most famous adventures in recorded history. The Maguffyn Corporation was chartered close to two thousand years ago, and has long been responsible for pioneering much of the Empire’s advanced technology. It has the distinction of having been Imperialized three hundred years prior, making it the largest government-owned business in Regal space. Though it is technically owned by the Regalus government, it operates independently, much like a private company would, but with numerous governmental resources at its disposal. Mr. Virtuoso is the 71st CEO, and believed by many to be one of the greatest the company has ever had. He rose to his position when he was merely thirteen cycles of age and is widely regarded as a genius and an innovator of the highest order. He has pioneered many of the initiatives that have replicated Ancient technology and brought them into public use.”