Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  STRAIGHT FLUSHES, STRAIGHT PRIORITIES

  For Annie, her “beautiful family” remains her first priority. This responsibility to her family may help keep her ego in check and make risk management a lot easier. It may be that self-control that has contributed to her great success. Very few players can win as consistently as Annie Duke does—or cope with losses as well. But win or lose, Annie considers poker the perfect job. That’s because she’s an involved, hands-on mom with a simple strategy. “If I have a sick child or a soccer game, I don’t have to play.” Sounds like the perfect work schedule for any parent!

  She was even a no-show at a game where she could have taken home a six-figure pot. Why? She had decided it was more important to be at her daughter’s sixth birthday party. “I didn’t care what kind of money was at stake . . . I’m not missing that party,” she said. “You know what? When she’s 25 and in therapy, she’s going to be talking about how I missed her sixth birthday party.”

  PLAYING IS WORK

  So play is actually work for Ms. Duke, but rest assured it’s no easy gig. She relies on skill, not luck, to make her living. She has to memorize cards and calculate the odds in order to bust some bluffs and second-guess her opponents’ moves. She considers her gender an asset, as it rattles some men who are a little touchy about losing to a woman. When they’re rattled, they lose more.

  She treats the game as strictly business, managing her money carefully. Annie has a separate cash stash specifically set aside for her playing stake. She never gambles her winnings on other games, unlike some poker players who will immediately gamble their winnings at the craps or roulette tables. Annie doesn’t take her work home, either. Her kids have no playing cards. Guess gambling isn’t a family affair.

  “My mother used to say, ‘He who angers you, conquers you!’ But my mother was a saint.”—Elizabeth Kenny

  Mom Goes Buggy

  Courageous insect moms risk their lives for their offspring.

  You just never know where you’re gonna run across a heroic mom. The kind who would risk her own life to save her child. We’ve all heard the stories about supercharged moms able to lift cars to save their children. But would you expect to meet such a supermom in, well, a pile of dung?

  I DON’T KNOW HOW SHE DUNGS IT

  The insect world isn’t known much for decent parenting. Many insects lay their eggs, hide them, and then it’s bye-bye baby. And if most insect moms see a hungry predator go after their eggs, they will, not very bravely, run, wriggle, crawl, or fly away. But among the multitude of species of insects on Earth, there are a few dedicated and even heroic moms.

  Some insect moms—like those among dung beetles—can be quite devoted. Most species of dung beetle moms simply lay their eggs in underground tunnels, then take off after leaving the babies with a supply of dung for food. Others form brood balls, actually enclosing the eggs in a ball of dung, but then they, too, are off to enjoy carefree, childless days.

  But for Copris lunaris, a special type of dung beetle, such behavior is unthinkable. The Copris lunaris mom carefully cares for her eggs after they’re packed in the brood ball. She will turn the brood ball so that the egg and porous areas are at the top and not in contact with damp soil, making the ball less susceptible to fungus or parasites. She will repair the surface of the ball and smooth out irregularities—keeping her eggs in the best environment possible until they can hatch and fend for themselves.

  Copris laeviceps, a smaller dung beetle, is even busier. In addition to keeping the brood balls round and repaired, mom will defend her little dung heap (actually called the “nest chamber”) by killing the larvae of any unrelated species—because these might become a predator to her eggs.

  DON’T BUG MOM

  Other insect moms can be downright fierce when protecting their brood until the babies are old enough to fend for themselves. A praying mantis mom camouflages her eggs or hatchlings and then stands guard over them. If another insect approaches, wanting to eat the praying mantis nymphs (babies) who can’t defend themselves, the formidable predator mom will attack to kill.

  The European shield bug takes on any bird or insect that wants to chomp on her clutch of eggs. She will not back down, even if the confrontation means certain death. She protects the eggs by keeping them behind her shield. If a predator insect or a bird tries to eat them, she stands fast, tilting her body bravely toward her enemy.

  The Brazilian tortoise beetle mom also stands up to her attackers, but in her case the whole family works together until her hatchlings are mature. The Brazilian tortoise beetle arranges her newly hatched larvae so that she can perch atop them. Then, when a predator attacks, she makes a fighting stand while the little ones back her up. They have hooks on the end of their tails to which their feces are attached. If a predator bug tries to chomp on this family, it will get a mouthful of beetle feces instead of young and tender beetles. That can really discourage a hungry enemy (or at least ruin its appetite).

  Just as with human moms, you can’t tell a courageous bug mom by her outer appearance. Even seemingly delicate creatures like the lace bug mother can turn ferocious in times of danger. A damsel bug is a deadly predator to the flimsier lace bug. But a mother lace bug will attack a damsel bug if necessary. Creating a diversion, she will fan her wings at the damsel bug to distract it from her offspring and allow her nymphs to escape.

  WHAT MAKES A BUGGY HERO?

  Scientist Douglas W. Tallamy has found a reason why some insect moms could be careless and others are so full of motherly love. His theory is that fiercely protective moms are “semelparous,” meaning that they breed only once in a lifetime. So instead of laying many clutches of eggs, the semelparous moms have only one shot at having kids. The protective moms spend their time and energy defending their one clutch of eggs and making sure their offspring survive. Other insect moms breed often, which gives them plenty of time to get busy and makes protecting their young less important.

  Of course, what works in the primitive insect world isn’t comparable to what works in the complex and socialized world of human beings. A human mother with an only child isn’t necessarily more protective than one with more children. Still, it is nice to know that courageous moms can be found in so many dung-gone shapes and sizes.

  Cool Stepmoms Keep Their Royal Heads

  In a crisis, a good stepmom keeps her cool when others are losing theirs.

  Raising stepkids is never easy and any stepmom can have a bad day. But if you were married to King Henry VIII, a bad day might be your last on earth. Altogether, head-lopping Henry was married to six women: Catherine of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Jane Seymour, Anne of Cleves, Kathryn Howard, and Catherine Parr. Two queens he divorced (Aragon and Cleves), and two he beheaded (Boleyn and Howard). But two of the queens, Henry decided were keepers, noggins and all.

  Both Jane Seymour and Catherine Parr kept their heads about them and managed not only to keep horrible Henry happy but also to nurture his abused royal brood. Without the efforts of these kindly stepmoms, the history of Merry Olde England would have been decidedly different.

  A LOVE ’EM AND CLEAVE ’EM KINDA GUY

  Whatever else you can call Henry, “nice guy” probably doesn’t leap to mind. He wanted a son and heir and was willing to get rid of anyone who stood in the way. That included his first wife, Queen Catherine of Aragon, who gave him a daughter, Princess Mary. Henry waited for Catherine to have a boy . . . and waited some more. After twenty-plus years of waiting, he decided to play “let’s make an heir” with a new contestant.

  When he dumped his faithful wife, Henry also dissolved the English association with the Roman Catholic Church because the pope refused to let him divorce Catherine in order to marry Anne. In 1533, the king declared himself Supreme Head of the Church of England. Then the king annulled his first marriage, exiled his old queen, and married a new one—feisty, flashy Anne Boleyn.

  Unfortunately for Queen Anne, her first child was a daughter, Princess Elizabeth, instead
of the son Henry desired. Henry sighed and gave her another chance, but Anne’s second child was a stillborn son. The disappointed father didn’t even bother to ask the once-loved Anne for an annulment of their marriage; he axed Anne’s head off instead.

  POOR LITTLE RICH GIRLS

  Henry wasn’t only tough on wives. His kids suffered too. When Henry annulled his marriage to Catherine of Aragon, his daughter Mary was 16 years old and the pampered princess of England. After the annulment, Mary was declared illegitimate—a waif in danger of losing her life. Her bad dad demoted her from princess to lady, sent her to live away from court, and forbade her from seeing her beloved mother.

  After he executed Anne, Henry spread the pain around to his three-year-old daughter Elizabeth. He also denied her legitimacy, revoked her title, and ordered the once-pampered little princess to stay away from Windsor Castle.

  PLAIN JANE

  The day after Anne lost her head, the king and his new fancy, Jane Seymour, were betrothed. They married ten days later. The courtiers bowed low to Henry’s new wife and privately wondered how long she would last. She wasn’t even crowned queen, since Henry was waiting to see if he’d get a son from this woman before he decided to place the crown on her head—that is, if she still had a head.

  But plain Jane became Henry’s favorite wife. Whether from natural sweetness, shrewdness, or sheer terror, Jane was gentle, meek, and obedient. And Henry liked that. She made no attempt to seize power in affairs of state and he liked that too. The one point that Jane would take up with him was his cruel treatment of her stepchildren.

  ROYAL REUNIONS

  Jane begged Henry to reconcile with his daughters—a dangerous proposition, since the king had a nasty temper and an executioner . . . and wasn’t afraid to use them. In the beginning, tyrant Henry told his wife to back off and stop meddling. Surprisingly, though meek in other areas, Jane didn’t back down; she continued to work for a reconciliation.

  Jane wasn’t completely selfless. She wanted to restore Roman Catholicism to England, and Mary, who was a Catholic like her mother, would be a valuable ally. Finally in 1536, due in large part to Jane’s efforts, Henry and Mary affectionately reunited, ending over 5 years of estrangement. After the reconciliation Mary was often invited to court, where Jane proclaimed her the “chiefest jewel of England” and made a show of sitting near the young woman and insisting that Mary walk beside her instead of behind her. Such courtesies were a signal to the court that Mary—who’d been marked for arrest and even death—was restored to high status and should be respected.

  Jane had less to gain from giving attention to Elizabeth, but once again she braved Henry’s wrath to have the little girl brought to court. When Jane, Mary, Elizabeth, and Henry celebrated Christmas together, they were, at last, a unified family. They might have stayed that way too if Jane hadn’t been such a dutiful wife. The queen finally provided Henry with his long-sought-after male heir, Edward. But twelve days later she was dead from childbed fever. Mary was Jane’s chief mourner, riding a black-draped horse to Windsor Castle to attend her step-mother’s funeral.

  SIXTH TIME’S THE CHARM

  After Jane Seymour’s death, Henry married three more times. He divorced his fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves, because she was ugly (one wonders why he married her to begin with). And his fifth, Kathryn Howard, was beheaded for having an affair. What would happen to wife number six, Catherine Parr?

  Catherine Parr was not envied when she went down the aisle. By now, few women wanted anything to do with Henry, king or not. But Catherine kept her head by catering to Henry’s health and his king-sized ego. Courtiers breathed a sigh of relief as this new queen attentively nursed the aging, gouty king and made him feel respected and powerful. They saw that this wife would manage the volatile monarch and manage to survive.

  SMART STEPMOM CATHERINE

  After Jane Seymour’s death and two wives later, Henry had begun neglecting his children again. But Catherine used her influence with Henry to humanize him, just as Jane had. Thanks to his new queen, Henry restored Mary’s title as princess and she was once again in line for succession to the throne.

  For six-year-old Prince Edward, Catherine was a lifesaver. She gave the motherless prince love and affection, and she made sure that Henry provided Edward with the best education available. The young prince had a reputation for being a cold, withdrawn child with a princely temper, but for Catherine Parr he showed only deep affection and called her “my very dearest mother.”

  Shrewd ten-year-old Elizabeth wasn’t as quick to take to the new stepmother. But ultimately it was Elizabeth who benefited most from her new stepmom. Catherine brought the girl to court and made sure that Elizabeth was restored to princess status and able to inherit the crown. Catherine also made sure that Henry gave Elizabeth a “male” education with the same scholars from Oxford and Cambridge who taught the prince.

  Like Jane, Catherine also had her own religious agenda. Her Protestant beliefs had no effect on the devoutly Catholic Mary, but their stepmother encouraged the younger children to follow in the Protestant faith.

  STEPMOMS RULE!

  Catherine survived her notorious husband Henry only to marry again and die as a result of childbirth just as Jane had. But this queen had a huge influence on history. Without Catherine’s efforts, Mary and Elizabeth might never have become queens themselves. Perhaps Queen Elizabeth I would not have been so well-educated, and one of England’s most glorious eras might never have occurred. Thanks in part to her stepmother, Elizabeth was better prepared to preside over a literary and scientific renaissance and to oversee an expansion of British power.

  Jane and Catherine may have influenced history in another way. After watching both her stepmothers cater to horrible Henry and after mourning both of their deaths from childbirth, it’s no wonder that the great Elizabeth decided to remain a virgin queen.

  Yes, Minister’s Mom

  Born Jeanette Jerome in Brooklyn, New York, in 1854, she became better known to the world as Lady Randolph Churchill and even better known as the mother of Sir Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of Great Britain (1940–1945, 1951–1955). Jennie moved with her family from New York to Paris at age 11 and entered fashionable society. Then in 1873, she met Lord Randolph Churchill and charmed him into marriage. Little Winston was born in 1874; some say he arrived a little earlier than was proper. It seems Winston was always ahead of his time!

  Reel Moms & Kids

  Can you match these celebrity moms to their famous offspring? an you match these celebrity moms to their famous offspring?

  1. Blythe Danner

  An acclaimed character actress whose first love is theater, she won a Tony in 1970 for her performance in Butterflies Are Free. She has been nominated for Tonys for her performances in A Streetcar Named Desire and Betrayal. Well-known for playing motherly roles on the big screen, such as in Meet the Parents, she’s no stranger to the small screen either.

  Danner is also famous for her dedicated supporting role as mom to her superstar daughter, who won an Oscar playing Shakespeare’s true love. Mom and daughter recently shared the big screen in Sylvia, a biopic about Sylvia Plath.

  Who is the reel daughter?

  ___A. Cameron Diaz

  ___B. Gwyneth Paltrow

  ___C. Minnie Driver

  ___D. Jennifer Aniston

  2. Ingrid Bergman

  You can see this gorgeous Swedish actress in classic films from the 1940s, such as Casablanca and Gaslight. Bergman’s beauty and portrayals of strong, sophisticated women made her famous, but her love affair with an Italian director nearly ruined her career. Bergman abandoned her family to run away with her lover. The scandal was so overwhelming that Bergman fled the United States in 1950, and it was 6 years before her comeback Oscar for the 1956 film Anastasia.

  Ingrid’s famous daughter inherited her mom’s acting and beauty genes. Along with work in movies, she’s been a spokeswoman and feature model for Lancôme cosmetics.

 
Who is the reel daughter?

  ___A. Chastity Bono

  ___B. Andie MacDowell

  ___C. Isabella Rossellini

  ___D. Elizabeth Hurley

  3. Judy Garland

  From her role as Dorothy in the 1939 classic The Wizard of Oz to her beloved recorded concert in Carnegie Hall, Garland remains a show-business legend and one of the world’s greatest entertainers. Sadly, her personal life was fraught with personal problems, including struggles with drugs and alcohol.

  Before her death at age 47, Garland performed in concert with her eldest daughter and both received rave reviews. Her daughter went on to follow in mom’s footsteps, both as a film star and renowned singer, in addition to her turbulent personal life.

  Who is the reel daughter?

  ___A. Liza Minnelli

  ___B. Barbra Streisand

  ___C. Britney Spears

  ___D. Tammy Wynette

  4. Janet Leigh

  She was a Hollywood celebrity in the 1950s and 1960s, starring in multitudes of films with everyone from Anthony Hopkins to Lassie. Leigh’s most famous film, Hitchcock’s classic thriller Psycho, terrified her so much that she reportedly never took showers again.

  Her daughter became a scream queen herself in the 1970s as the star of a popular horror movie, Halloween. She’s made memorable comedies too, including A Fish Called Wanda and Freaky Friday. Like mother, like daughter.