Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Babies were given constant care. To keep them close, mothers carried babies in a sling around their neck and breast-fed their children for up to three years. They were even encouraged to eat sour barley bread to increase their breast milk—talk about devotion! As babies grew up, doting moms provided plenty of toys. The children of ancient Egypt played with carved animal figures, painted wood or simple rag dolls, boats and balls, and even pets like dogs or kittens or birds.

  THANKS, MOM!

  Since children were so valued in Egypt, it comes as no surprise that grown children were expected to cherish their moms right back. That didn’t always work out, of course. A will still exists that preserves the indignation of Lady Naunakhte, who declared: “I am a free woman of Egypt. I have raised eight children and have provided them with everything suitable to their station in life. But now I have grown old and behold, my children don’t look after me anymore. I will therefore give my goods to the ones who have taken care of me. I will not give anything to the ones who have neglected me.”

  However, most Egyptians agreed with the ancient text that read: “Repay your mother for all her care. Give her as much bread as she needs, and carry her as she carried you, for you were a heavy burden to her. When you were finally born, she still carried you on her neck and for three years she suckled you and kept you clean.” Sounds fair to us.

  “If your mother tells you to do a thing, it is wrong to reply that you won’t. It is better and more becoming to intimate that you will do as she bids you, and then afterwards act quietly in the matter according to the dictates of your better judgment.”

  —Mark Twain, “Advice for Good Little Girls”

  “My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” —Mark Twain

  Just the Facts, Ma’am

  Test your knowledge of fascinating factoids about moms and their nearest and dearest.

  IT ALL STARTED WHEN YOU WERE A BABY

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  1. More boys are conceived in the summer, which is why they’re called sons.

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  2. Girls are daintier eaters than guys—even before they’re born!

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  3. If your mom was assaulted by morning sickness, you’re probably putting extra salt on your food.

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  4. The average baby weighs more than a lightweight, six-pound bowling ball.

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  5. New moms who are too tired to go to jazzercise to lose weight should try “milkercise.”

  AS TIME GOES BY

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  6. A “family moon” is when the entire family bares their bums at passersby.

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  7. If a guy hates his chrome dome, then tell him to call home—and blame mom.

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  8. Jet lag is mom’s baggage.

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  9. If daughters catch matrophobia when they’re teenagers, they can still recover.

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  10. The pressures of modern life have been killing the bond between mothers and kids.

  Turn the page for the Answers.

  ANSWERS

  1. False

  Statistics show that fall is the time to try for a baby if you want to have a boy.

  2. True

  In a Harvard medical study, pregnant women carrying boys ate up to 190 more calories than those who were carrying girls. Does this mean that girls come into the world on a diet?

  3. True

  University of Washington researchers found that if their mom suffered from moderate to severe morning sickness their babies showed a preference for salted water over regular water. Older children whose moms had similar levels of morning sickness also craved salty foods.

  4. True

  The average baby weighs about seven pounds at birth. Only about 10 percent of all babies weigh more than eight pounds 13 ounces. Rarely do babies weigh more than 10 pounds.

  5. True—sort of

  Breast-feeding burns about 500 calories a day, so a breastfeeding mom can lose weight faster—unless, of course she starts eating more.

  6. False

  The familymoon is a new trend among remarrying couples that have kids from a previous marriage. They invite the kids along on their honeymoon! How’s that for togetherness?

  7. False

  If a man is bald, it’s a myth that he inherited the hair loss problem from his mother’s side of the family. Baldness is a very complicated genetic trait that may be inherited from either the mother’s or the father’s side of the family (or both). And it can even skip generations. So, don’t blame mom!

  8. Seems to be true

  French scientists have found in zebra fish the genes that run a body clock are similar to the ones found in humans. They believe they’ll find similar genes controlling the human body clock (which controls whether or not you’re badly bothered by night work or a transatlantic flight) in mom’s eggs, which means a baby inherits jet lag from mom’s genetic material.

  9. True

  Despite conflicts, complicated emotions, and even matrophobia (a fear of becoming like mom), a Pennsylvania State University study found that by the time they were middle-aged, from 80 to 90 percent of women reported good relationships with their mothers.

  10. False

  The numbers on the relationship between mom and her kids are strong:

  •88 percent of adults say their mother has had a positive influence on them.

  •92 percent say their current relationship with their mother is positive.

  •88 percent of all mothers say their family appreciates them enough.

  Poem by Holmes

  “Youth fades; love droops,

  The leaves of friendship fall;

  A mother’s secret hope outlives them all.”

  —Oliver Wendell Holmes

  TV Moms IV: Work It

  Put on your overalls and test yourself on these sitcom working moms.

  As time marched on, more TV moms were marching into the workplace and facing even more complicated issues. Single motherhood, financial burdens, turning 40—playing a mom on TV was no picnic!

  ROSEANNE CONNER:

  DOMESTIC GODDESS AT WORK

  The Show: Roseanne (1988–1997)

  This show didn’t shy away from the harsher realities of family life. Blue-collar Roseanne Conner (played by Roseanne) took low-paying jobs to make ends meet. Working in a beauty parlor, a factory, and a diner, Roseanne braved annoying managers and snarky coworkers. She and her husband, Dan, struggled to raise their three kids and keep food on the table. Roseanne’s kids were constantly in trouble. Sarcastic, loud, opinionated, and overweight, Roseanne was far from being a “perfect” mother. But she was a loving mom who told it like it was. (Despite the fact that this family spouted TV’s most brilliant wisecracks, they couldn’t seem to use their smarts to get ahead.)

  Fun Fact: Roseanne’s oldest daughter, Becky, had a lot in common with Darrin from Bewitched. Wonder why? No, they didn’t both have witches in the family. Becky was played by two different actresses and Darrin by two different actors during each series’ original run.

  MURPHY BROWN: TV’S UNWED MOM

  The Show: Murphy Brown (1988–1998)

  In 1992, Murphy Brown (played by Candice Bergen) became famous as the tough, impatient TV newswoman who’d managed to tick off Vice President Dan Quayle. And he wasn’t a character on television! What had Murphy done that caused a real, powerful politician to wag his finger at her?

  She was single and pregnant and had decided to keep her baby. In the summer of 1992, during a speech in San Francisco, California, Quayle announced that Murphy was glamorizing unwed motherhood and mocking the importance of fathers. With that speech, Murphy Brown became the eye of a media storm on family values. By the time the storm blew over, both sides seemed the worse for wear. Murphy did have trouble adjusting to unwed motherhood and so did her ratings, which began to sink. As for Dan Quayle, he lost his job in the 1992 election
.

  Fun Fact: Avery Brown, Murphy’s young son, was played by Haley Joel Osment. Luckily he didn’t start seeing dead people until his breakout performance in The Sixth Sense.

  CYBILL SHERIDAN ROBBINS WOODBINE:

  GETTIN’ UP THERE

  The Show: Cybill (1995–1998)

  Finally, a sitcom for women over 40! An unconventional comedy, Cybill took an unflinching and funny look at the problems confronting an older mom who happens to be an aging, twice-divorced actress looking for work in Los Angeles. Cybill Sheridan Robbins Woodbine (played by Cybill Shepherd) had two headstrong, nearly grown daughters (one from each marriage) and two clingy ex-husbands who never got out of her life.

  Fortunately for Cybill, she had her sophisticated, boozy friend Maryann (played by Christine Baranski) to confide in. The friendship between the two women and their adventures proved hilarious and also poked fun at popular ideas about youth and aging. Even over 40 with a nearly empty nest, Cybill showed that a mom’s life could still be very complicated and very funny.

  Fun Fact: Cybill Shepherd got her big break when director Peter Bogdanovich spotted her on a magazine cover. Bogdanovich went on to cast her in her first big role as Jacy in The Last Picture Show.

  You Don’t Say . . .

  “Of course I don’t always enjoy being a mother. At those times my husband and I hole up somewhere in the wine country, eat, drink, make mad love and pretend we were born sterile and raise poodles.”

  —Dorothy DeBolt, Winner of the 1980 National

  Mother’s Day Committee Award. Natural mother of 6 and adoptive mother of 14!

  Kids and Soul Mates Don’t Mix

  George Sand and Frederic Chopin made beautiful music together, until her kids got in the way

  She didn’t care for feminists, but she’s been called the world’s first liberated woman. She was a French baroness related to Louis XVII, but she considered herself a woman of the people. She was famous for her scandalous love affairs. Men adored her, yet few friends thought her beautiful or feminine. She was best known for dressing like a man and constantly indulging a taste for smelly cigars. She was France’s famous romantic, but she was actually a hardheaded working mother whose practical business sense supported a wild, bohemian life.

  This contradictory mom was Amandine Aurore Lucile Dupin Baronesse Dudevant, Aurore to her friends. You may know her better as George Sand, the wildly popular and prolific French novelist. Sand was a romantic who believed that life was best fulfilled by the perfect passion. Her famous love affair with Frederic Chopin seemed perfect. But it was battered by a force that even strong-minded Sand couldn’t control—her own children.

  A NATURAL ROMANTIC

  Aurore began her life the same way she lived it—as a scandalous romantic. The romantic part was that Papa Maurice was an aristocrat who fell for Mama Sophie, a pretty but penniless dancer. The scandalous part was that in July 1804, less than a month after her parents’ marriage, Aurore was born.

  When Aurore was four, her father fell from a spirited horse and broke his neck, the nineteenth-century equivalent of a car wreck. At that point, Maurice’s wealthy mother, Madame Dupin, kept Aurore at the family château, Nohant, in the French countryside and sent Sophie packing. Then strict, straight-laced Madame Dupin, aided by convent schools, somehow managed to raise the rebellious, headstrong young woman who would one day shock Paris.

  MARRIAGE CAN BE MISERABLE

  Had her grandmother lived, she probably would have forced Aurore into an unhappy, arranged marriage. As it was, Madame Dupin died before she got the chance. So, at age 18, Aurore made her own choice, Baron Casimir Dudevant. The marriage may have been voluntary, but that didn’t mean it was happy.

  Shortly after their first child, Maurice, was born, Aurore began to long for some good adult conversation (a familiar wish of new mothers). She also discovered her husband wasn’t up for more than discussing cows or the health of his hunting dogs. He didn’t care for music, art, or literature—all as vital as food and drink to the brilliant Aurore.

  SEEKING: ONE SOUL MATE

  Quick-witted as she was, it didn’t take Aurore long to notice that marriage vows didn’t stop some men from seeking more perfect unions. Baron Dudevant, for example, had trouble keeping his mitts off the maids. If husbands could take a liberal interpretation of their marriage vows, then why not the wife? It should come as no surprise that when her second child, daughter Solange, was born, rumors persisted that the baron wasn’t her biological pop.

  Aurore protested that she was seeking a soul mate and had higher aims than mere physical pleasure. As it became more and more evident that the baron was hardly the “one,” the unhappy couple separated in 1831. Aurore took her little ones to Paris, and since independence (especially with two kids) cost money, she took up writing. A year later her novel Indiana was published. The story of a wife struggling to escape the clutches of a tyrannical husband (who had more than a passing resemblance to Baron Dudevant) was a huge best-seller, and Aurore became a notorious celebrity under the name George Sand.

  DON’T SEND ME FLOWERS

  Sand supported her family and the estate at Nohant with the writing of more than 70 novels and a dozen plays. Readers were thrilled with her books, which asserted that marriage made slaves of women and (mon dieu!) explored female sexual desire. They were even more fascinated by the boldness of the author who enjoyed a good cigar and (quelle horreur!) wore men’s clothing so she could prowl around Paris without being harassed.

  “I ask the support of no one,” Sand declared. “Neither to kill someone for me, gather a bouquet, correct a proof, nor to go with me to the theater. I go there on my own, as a man, by choice; and when I want flowers, I go on foot, by myself, to the Alps.” So much for The Rules. Sand wasn’t coy, but men flocked to her anyway—and often had their hearts broken.

  THE PERFECT MATCH

  Sand’s love life became more discussed than her books and plays—if there’d been a National Enquirer in those days, she’d have certainly graced the cover. She had open affairs with well-known artitsts like poet and playwright Alfred de Musset. Always the equal opportunist, Sand even had a notorious liaison with actress Marie Dorval. Yet Sand claimed she believed in marriage as long as it was an ideal partnership between two free equals. Why settle down with less than perfection?

  Sand’s perfect soulmate seemed to have finally arrived in the form of Frederic Chopin. The handsome Polish composer played piano like an angel and had a genius that Sand openly admired. Chopin was frail and often ill, but strong, robust Sand instantly felt her love would nurture and save him. Chopin, wary of Sand at first, gradually came under her spell and the couple began a celebrated affair.

  The couple settled into a grand passion for nine years. Sand tended lovingly to her frail Chopin, who composed some of his greatest works while living at Nohant. Chopin seemed to have adored Sand, who wrote some of her best novels while living with him. But their love finally soured. What could have caused these two lovebirds to split? You don’t have to look any farther than home—sources say it was the kids.

  WHAT’S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY?

  Sand saw herself as a loving, devoted mother, but what with all her writing and soul-mating, a child could feel neglected. Forget sibling rivalry, both Maurice and Solange had to compete with their mother’s lovers and friends for her attention. Out of the two, Maurice had better luck. Aurore did seem to have a blind spot for her son and forgave his faults.

  As Maurice grew older, he took over as head of the household. His doting mother encouraged him to throw his weight around. He even went so far as to fire one of Chopin’s personal servants, making life harder for the ailing composer. It’s not too hard to see that this mama’s boy’s star was on the rise, while soul mate Chopin’s was on the decline.

  But it was Solange who became the biggest problem between the famous lovers. She was becoming a beautiful woman and made the mistake of getting too close to Chopin. Sand may have been je
alous not only of her daughter’s youth and beauty but also of her daughter’s relationship with Chopin. When Sand harped on her daughter’s faults, Chopin defended Solange against unfair criticism—which made Sand even angrier. This couldn’t continue forever.

  SO LONG, SOLANGE

  Over Chopin’s horrified protests, Sand pushed her daughter into a bad marriage. Solange married sculptor Auguste Clesinger, a brutal and bullying man. Chopin’s predictions of catastrophe came true. When Solange and her new husband came for a visit, the creepy Clesinger decided he needed more money, so he roughed up both Sand and her darling son, Maurice, to get it.

  Outraged, Sand threw out Clesinger and her daughter too. Chopin could not overlook Sand’s hardheartedness since Solange was now pregnant and Sand had introduced the smarmy sculptor into the family in the first place. Chopin appealed to the generous, loving spirit that he’d adored in Aurore, but his lover would hear none of it. In high indignation, Sand threw Chopin out too. It was a squalid end to the great affair. Chopin died two years later, destitute and in great pain. Solange came to comfort him before he died—Sand didn’t bother.

  The famous writer remained estranged from her daughter, who would eventually fall into poverty. Sand lived with and continued to dote on Maurice, who took over her estate, married, and gave her granchildren. Meanwhile, Sand continued to write about the joys of freedom, passion, and romance. So much for soul mates.