by Mary Smith
“Okay. Um…” I pick up the notepad and hand it to him. “This is what I came up with.”
He hums looking it over. “Once she’s finished breastfeeding, I want a month in the summer to take her back to Sweden. Also, I’m going to make sure she speaks Swedish. I pay for her schooling, medical, and child support.” He jots down the changes. “I believe I already told you this but you don’t seem to listen.”
I bite my tongue from his snide comments.
“And, again, I want her name changed.” He growls tossing the notepad down.
“I have those papers.” I stand and go over to my bag. “You just need to sign them.” I hand them to him.
He signs where I marked and hands them back to me.
“I’m good with the changes. Having her gone for a whole month will be rough, but she needs to learn your traditions and such.” I choke back the lump in my throat.
“Great. I want a copy of the birth certificate when it comes.” He leaves me standing in the living room.
Crying.
I RUSHED AROUND to help Uncle Oliver get the contracts out for his latest business deal. I want to get out of here early because I need to pack for Klara since we’re traveling to Nashua with the family. The scrimmage game sold out quickly for the Tigers and Bears matchup. Uncle Oliver is excited to have us all together. Tonight is family skate night and Teo wants to take Klara. I’m certain he wants to show her off.
“Emma, I’m here,” I shout coming into the house. I probably should have gotten a speeding ticket as fast as I drove home.
“We’re here,” she says from the living room.
“Emma.” I gasp when I see the bags packed and all of Klara’s items next to them. “I owe you big time.”
Emma laughs and hands Klara another toy. “It’s not a big deal. I know you’re busy. Are you even sleeping?”
“Barely.” I push my hands through my hair. “Could you watch her for a few moments longer? I need to finish packing.”
“Go. I’ve got her.”
I kiss Klara’s chunky cheeks before going to my bedroom. I feel as if I’m on autopilot. I didn’t sleep at all because Teo weighed heavily on me.
And it’s bringing up old memories.
Since I went to a therapist for a little while after Sharon’s death, I never think about her. I know Uncle Tad and Janan still go, but I stopped. I know it’s not good to bury feelings, but right now it’s the brightest and best idea I have. Plus, it’s been working.
Until today.
Sharon’s voice is ringing loud and clear in my head. Her favorite things to say about me was how worthless, fat, and lazy I was. The screaming was always the worst for me. I hate when people yell. It cuts through me like a hot knife slicing my soul. It’s why I never raise my voice and never will to Klara.
I will be the best mother ever.
“Novabear.” Hamilton’s voice breaks me from the horrendous thoughts of Sharon.
“Coming.” I grab my bags and head down the hall to my family.
Hamilton is awesome in loading up his truck with all our stuff. Hamilton already has a car seat. When I found out I was pregnant, every single family member purchased a car seat for their cars. Uncle Oliver has one in the trunk of his car.
“Klara, go to your Hammy and let’s get you strapped in.” I hand her off to him and he puts her in like a professional.
Finally, we make it to the Bears arena where Uncle Oliver has a large van waiting for us. Klara is becoming very fussy and Uncle Tad can’t even calm her down. Normally, he’s the baby whisperer. The last ten minutes she’s just cried. She never does this, and I’m clueless on what to do. I’m glad we make to the hotel room. I need to calm her down.
Hamilton and Janan help me get everything into my room. How can such a small baby need so much stuff? But she does. After a change, a full belly of milk, and me rocking her–with no rocker–she falls asleep. Exhaustion is taking over me. I put Klara in her portable crib and pass out on the bed.
THE POUNDING SOUNDS far away.
The sounds come closer…
...and closer…
...until…
“Nova, open this door.” I hear Teo’s voice and jump from the bed running to the door.
“What? What’s wrong?” I try to focus my eyes, but it’s all blurry.
“I’ve been fucking calling you and texting you for a fucking hour. Where the fuck have you been?” He is nose-to-nose with me.
“I fell asleep. Stop yelling, please. It took me forever to get Klara to sleep.” I back away from him and further into my room. “We weren’t going to meet up until the morning.”
“I texted you because I wanted to see my daughter tonight.” He crosses the room and checks on Klara. Surprisingly, she’s still asleep.
“Teo, I fell asleep. I’ve been—”
“I don’t care about you.” He comes back to me. “I care about her and you obviously have no regard for my feelings when it comes to my daughter.”
I shake my head in disbelief. “What? We just talked yesterday about the custody arrangement. We figured out a—”
“No.” He cuts me off again. “It’s all a ploy, isn’t it? Just like every fucking woman I know. You’re a bitch. An evil, fucking worthless bitch.”
I don’t know what happened but a blur of Hamilton and Janan came racing into my room. All of them are yelling at each other. I can’t make out their words but the tension and anger are suffocating me. Klara begins to wail in the corner in a high pitch scream. I can’t move–I’m frozen.
You’re worthless!
You’re such a fat idiot!
Sharon’s words are loud and clear in my head. The flashbacks return. Her fists connecting with my face and body. The smell of alcohol. Janan and I huddling in the corners, closets, and running from Sharon’s rage and objects.
“STOP! STOP YELLING!” I scream as loud as my lungs will allow me. I cover my ears and drop to my knees screaming over and over, rocking back and forth. “Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!” I bellow over and over.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Teo’s voice is close to my ears, and his tight hold makes me feel safe. “I’m sorry.” He keeps saying, and I sob.
I have a breakdown right there in his arms with hot, wet tears. I can hear myself yelling, but I can’t stop it. Soon, everything goes black.
MY EYES FLUTTER open and I’m sandwiched into a hard chest. I lift up my gaze and see I’m in Teo’s arms. Teo? Why is he holding me? What’s happening? The memory of my outburst comes rushing back.
I groan and try to wiggle out of his grasp.
“Are you okay, now?” Teo’s voice is groggy.
“Where’s Klara?” My throat hurts from my outburst.
“Janan has her. You passed out and I didn’t want to leave you alone.” He brushes my hair back.
I hate how much I enjoy being in his arms. I lean into his touch.
“I remember you telling me how much you hated yelling.” He strokes my cheek with the pad of his thumb. “I got upset when I couldn’t get a hold of you. I need to reign in my temper a bit. I’m sorry.”
“I’ve been exhausted. I’ve been working to no end and there’s an ulcer growing in my stomach thinking you’re taking Klara from me.” I free myself from his grip and sit up. “I thought we reached a mutual understanding for Klara.”
Teo sits up and scoots over until he’s in front of me, but he doesn’t say anything.
“We used to talk. We talked a lot.” I rub my hands together. “I easily opened up to you. You always listened to me. I know you might not want to hear this, but I’m here for you. We’re connected through Klara and I do...did...love you.” I stutter over my words. “I know why you hate me, Teo. I understand it. Will you ever forgive me?”
He takes a deep breath and turns away from me. He thinks for a moment while I sit there in silence waiting for him to say something. Slowly, he turns back to me and there’s a deep sadness in his eyes.
“Since as early as I can remem
ber, women in my life have always been conniving bitches. It’s true. It started when I caught my mother cheating on my father. She saw me and there was no way for her to deny it. When I confronted her, she lied right to my face. She told me she would talk to my father but never did. I made the choice to talk to him myself but Mother painted me as this crazy child with a vivid imagination.”
I gasp. “Seriously?”
He nods. “Not to forget my sister. She would blame me for everything, even if I wasn’t in the room. Time and time again she would lie to our parents. Then my girlfriend, the one you overheard me talking about at the party, she cheated on me. A lot. I began to realize how women were. When I was drafted, I quit talking to my parents. My sister calls from time-to-time, but I barely talk to her. I kept my relationships short with no real connection...until you.”
I wipe the tears from my cheeks. “And I confirmed your beliefs in women being horrible.”
“Yes,” he answers.
“Teo, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I don’t know what else to say to him. He’s seen women in such a horrific manner and when he opens up to me, I lie to him. “Will you ever forgive me? I promise I’m not like any of them.”
He clears his throat and stands. “I apologize for upsetting you. I swear I didn’t mean to. We made an agreement for Klara, and I have a feeling you’ll stick with it.”
“You didn’t answer my question, Teo.”
He shrugs, gets up and leaves my hotel room without saying another word.
Chapter Eight
Teo
I RUN ON the treadmill harder than I normally do. I made Nova cry again. This time it wasn’t her fault. I had just gotten off the phone with Ellen. Why she’s calling more often is beyond me? She went into every detail about our parent’s anniversary party. After blowing up at her, telling her how much I don’t care and hanging up on her, I was in the hall when I saw Hamilton and Janan walking hand-in-hand. I’m still mad at Hamilton. Yes, he’s a good guy and even better captain, but he knew the truth and kept it from me. Then I made Janan tell me N’s room number and I just...exploded.
I’ve never seen her breakdown. She told me numerous times of Sharon’s abuse to her, Janan, and Coach, but she never seemed fazed by it. Nova’s a tough girl, even through her shy, timid exterior. However, she told me how much yelling and screaming bother her. And I did it anyway. In front of my own daughter. I know Klara won’t remember it, but I will. I need to be an example to my daughter of how real men are and act. Thus far, I’m not being the best at it.
“I just heard a rumor.” Alden stands in front of my treadmill.
“Is it one about you having an STD?” I darkly joke.
“No, fucker. It’s about you quitting. Is it true?” He crosses his fully tattooed arms.
I slow down my run until I stop fully. “I did. I told Oliver and Connor. At the end of the season I’m done.”
“Why, bro?” Alden’s face drops a bit.
“I’m done.” I shrug and jump off the machine to grab a towel. “There’s no reason to go into it. Now, I’m going to get ready for the family skate. Later.” I brush past him and go back to my room.
NOVA OPENS THE door and I do my best to remember to breathe. She’s breathtaking in her skinny jeans and long sleeve Bears t-shirt. Her hair has little waves in it and her makeup is light. I always loved her more natural than made up.
“Klara is ready.” Her small smile is sad as I follow her toward the portable crib.
My beautiful baby looks up at me with giggles. She makes my heart stop. This is my daughter. This is my life.
“I picked up the jersey the other day,” Nova says and I realize Klara is wearing my numbers.
I lift her up in my arms. “Hey, söt flicka.” I kiss her cheeks. “Are you ready to skate?”
“Here is all her stuff.” Nova hands me a large bag. “I’ll be there too, but I know this is your time with her. There’s bottles, diapers, her hat and gloves. Don’t forget to put on a jacket and well…” She trails off. “If you need something just text me.”
She keeps touching Klara and her eyes are becoming wet with tears.
“N, you won’t be far from us.” I remind her. I can’t stand to see her cry again.
“I know. Have fun.” She nods taking a step back.
I adjust Klara in my arms, grab the bag and head out without saying anything else to Nova. She knows I’m mad at her. Forgiveness isn’t in my vocabulary right now, and I don’t know when it’ll come back.
I shake the thoughts away from my head and stroll to the elevator. Klara is cooing and drooling everywhere. I try to find one of those rag thingys Nova uses, but I can’t unzip the bag, hold Klara and find it. I know not to sit her on the floor of the elevator. I highly doubt they clean these often, by the looks of it. I give up and use the sleeve of my shirt before I step out of the box and head across the street to the arena.
The second I step into the visitor locker room the guys–minus Hamilton–come over and pass Klara around. Normally, people wouldn’t think hockey players would go all baby talk when they see a baby, but they do.
“I can see you and me dating in about eighteen years.” Alden cuddles Klara close.
“Give me my daughter.” I snatch her from him. “You’re a pervert.”
Everyone continues to hold Klara as I lace up my skates. I’m excited to get her out on the ice with me. I find my daughter, who is with Cabel and staring up at the lights, and take her toward the ice.
“Teo, wait,” Hamilton yells out to me.
I don’t want to stop, but for some reason I do. “What?”
“Listen, I know you don’t want to talk to me but just hang on a second. You can’t take Klara out on the ice without a coat, hat and gloves. It’ll be too cold for her and she could get sick.” He has a deep concern on his face.
I glance down at Klara, who is still only in my jersey. “I didn’t think about it.”
“I’m sure Nova packed it. I’ll get it for you.” Hamilton jogs back into the locker room.
I sigh deeply disappointed at myself. “I’m not starting off on the right foot, am I, söt flicka?” How stupid am I not to bundle up my kid before taking her out on the freezing ice?
“Here.” Hamilton hands me a huge long coat.
“What the hell is this?”
“It’s her snowsuit,” Hamilton says as if I should already know this.
I should already know this.
“Oh, right. Um…” I look around where I can put this contraption on her.
“Hold her legs out.” Hamilton offers and I do.
Together we work Klara into this suit, hat and gloves without much trouble. Actually, I think Klara is laughing at us. It took two grown men to get her ready.
“Thanks, Hamilton.”
“You’re welcome,” he replies sincerely and heads toward the ice.
Almost everyone is already out there. There’s a lot of laughter, loud talking, and the sounds of the skates on the ice. For the first time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. Well, there’s a lot of times I feel this way. However, in this typical situation–for family events–I’m the one who stands off to the side and watches everyone else have fun with their families. Now, I have a family, and I’m not sure what to do.
I cling tight to Klara as I step onto the ice. I’ve been skating since the moment I walked. I have always loved hockey. It kept me out of the house of horrors with my parents and sister. I don’t want anything like that for Klara. I want her to grow up in a happy home.
“Okay. Here we go.”
I push off and find a section not overloaded with a lot of people. I sort of wish I had been out here alone to have this moment with her. She’s looking all around, especially up at the lights. The Nashua Tigers arena doesn’t seat as many as in Manchester, but it’s still large. I’m pointing out items to Klara. She doesn’t understand what I’m saying but seems to be enjoying herself.
“Looks like you two are having fun.
”
I stop spinning Klara when Taden’s voice interrupts us. “Yes, we are.”
“Listen, Teo.” He skates up to me. “I know Nova and you are having issues but look at her over there.” He nods his head to the left.
I glance over and see Nova sitting at the end of the visitor’s bench. She appears to be in the most depressive state ever.
“You may never forgive her or us. I know how upset I would be if someone had kept such a secret from me but be the bigger man. Nova has had a very hard life, and it’s my fault. When you threatened her that day in the diner, she did the one thing she knows how to do.”
Lie.
“Protect her loved ones.” Taden sighs. “You know her father abandoned her before she was even born. Her mother died when she was two. Sharon...well...Sharon ruined her life. Not to forget, I’m not the greatest for keeping her in that home life. When she heard you the night of the party she instantly retreated to what she knows. She protected herself and Klara.”
My heart sinks. Nova had told me about this when we were dating. She easily opened up to me. I loved it too.
“Nova’s only priority is Klara. Everything she does is for her.” Taden strokes his great-niece’s cheek. “Don’t regret this. I see how hurt you are, but also how much you love Nova. I saw your pain last season when she quit talking to you. Hell, even Nathan told me how shitty you were this off season.”
Honestly, I don’t want to talk about how much it hurt when Nova ended our relationship with no explanation. Fuck, I tried to give her a second chance and look how it turned out. I glance at Klara, who is laying on my shoulder. Actually, I got more than I bargained for. Not to mention, I’m on my way to my next chapter away from hockey.
“She’s with Liam.” I remind him.
“Yes, they seem to be…” He shrugs. “I don’t think, no, I know it won’t last. I like Liam and have known him for years, but he’s not Nova’s type.”
“Then why is she with him?”
“I think it’s because she’s hurt and is looking for what she had. With you.”