Broken

by Man, Alina

  “Come on, Jenny. Help me, help me.” Lily pulls me down the hallway into her room. It’s my first time inside her room, and I take a moment to look around. It’s like a pink bomb exploded in here. Everything has some kind of shade of pink, yellow, or purple. There are princesses everywhere, some big, some small, and right in the middle there’s the smallest table and chairs I’ve ever seen.

  “Wow.”

  “You like it? Look, this is Cinderella. And this one is Sleeping Beauty. She’s my favorite.” Before I know it, my arms are full of dolls. I feel exhausted, yet Lily’s energy has no limit.

  “Come on girls, let’s eat before the food gets cold,” David calls from the doorframe. I’m about to tell him I’m not hungry, but he doesn’t give me a chance. He circles my waist and pulls me out of the room towards the living room. “What do you think?” He’s pointing at the large tree that is now standing in one corner.

  “Impressive.”

  “Yay Daddy. It’s so big. Can we put the lights on, please Daddy? Please?”

  “Sure baby. But first let’s eat.” The food is already on the coffee table, and Lily pulls a little chair next to it. She starts eating, her eyes focused on the tree.

  “She has so much energy, doesn’t she?” I whisper, not wanting her to hear me.

  “You have no idea.”

  “I like the tree, by the way,” I say and pop a fry into my mouth.

  “I’m glad you like it because you’re going to help me decorate,” he says and pulls me closer.

  “Am I?” I relax against his chest and close my eyes. I can’t believe how safe and comfortable I feel with this man, although I haven’t known him for that long. The more time we spend together, the more I realize that I could start to have feelings for him.

  “You bet. By the way, I should’ve asked if you like hamburgers.” The greasy food smells so good, making my mouth water.

  “Doesn’t everyone?” I take the glass of wine he’s holding out for me and take a drink, hoping it will calm my nerves. At least Lily is there, so it feels safer to be around him.

  We take our time savoring each bite while sipping red wine. Lily starts yawning and I can tell she’s trying hard to keep her eyes open.

  “Sweetheart, I think we should decorate the tree tomorrow. Jenny is tired too and we want her to help, right?” Lily’s eyes move from her dad to me then back to David and she nods.

  “Yes. Tomorrow. You will come in the morning, Jenny, right?”

  “Sounds good.”

  “Ok, say goodnight now.” She walks slowly to me and circles her little arms around my neck. I pull her to my chest and hold her tightly.

  “Have a good night, Lily.” I feel her little lips on my cheek as she gives me a quick kiss.

  A few minutes later, David returns and takes a big pillow off the sofa then lays down on it. He pats the spot next to him and gives me a big smile.

  “Come sit next to me.”

  “It’s late. I think it’s best if I go.”

  “Do you ever relax? I just want to spend some time with you. Come.” I move slowly and take the spot he’s saved just for me. “See, I don’t bite.”

  “Oh, so this is not some evil plan to get into my pants, then?”

  “Evil plan? Oh babe, I’m not that smooth. Like I said, I just want to spend some time with you…while I dream of getting into your pants.” I swat his arm but can’t contain my laugh. He’s too easy to be around. As I lay my head on his chest, I start to wonder what it would be like to spend every night like this, in his arms. The sound of his beating heart lulls me into the dream world.

  “Hey babe, I’ll be home soon and I have a surprise for you.”

  “What is it?” We’ve been in our new place for just a few months, and it still feels like a dream.

  “If I tell you, it’s not going to be a surprise anymore.”

  “Oh just tell me, babe.” Sam’s laughter is music to my ears.

  “I got us a Christmas tree. A real one.” Sometimes I swear he sounds just an overly excited kid. He is so happy and carefree all the time, but then again I’m stressed enough for both of us.

  “Sam, you are allergic to the real ones. Take it back or give it away, and we’ll get a plastic one like we talked about. Hello?”

  “Babe you’re breaking up. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  “Jenny, baby, wake up.” I jump up and look around the room. It takes me a few seconds to realize I’m at David’s. He’s watching me with worried eyes as I try to focus. “Are you ok? You were talking in your sleep.”

  “Yes, sorry. How long have I been sleeping?”

  “I’m not sure. The dream…. It didn’t sounds like it was a good one…you want to talk about it?” I avoid his eyes and cover my face with my trembling hands. The dream was so real. But unlike others, this time it was a happy dream. A good memory that Sam and I once shared. No matter how happy the memory, I still can’t get myself to share it with anyone else. Not even David. I pretend not to hear his question and start gathering my things.

  “What time is it?” I slide my boots back on. Now that I think about it, I don’t even remember taking them off.

  “I’m not sure. Why don’t you stay the night?”

  “As enticing as your invitation is, I really must go. I have an appointment tomorrow and some other stuff to take care of. I had fun tonight, David.” As expected, he’s the perfect gentleman. No pressuring, no questions. He helps me with my coat, and we walk hand in hand towards the door. We stop in front of it, and he turns me into his arms. His lips touch the side of my face and I lean into him. I look up and meet his eyes then bring his lips to mine. I can still taste the wine on his tongue, and I drink it all in, letting the flavor burst into my mouth.

  I lose myself into the kiss and every part of my body is responding to his touch. My breasts ache and beg to be released and touched. And there’s a familiar, yet long forgotten, feeling in the pit of my stomach. His desire is as strong as mine. We’re so close, yet I want him closer. We start moving against each other, and I can feel his hardness against my stomach, pressing hard against me. My hands are itching to touch him, but somehow I find the strength not to. Tonight is not about that. I have to make sure I’m ready for this; because once we cross that line I know there’s no turning back. We rub against each other in an agonizing dance, and I’m about to explode. The release is more powerful than anything I’ve ever experienced.

  When we finally move apart, we’re both breathless. What did just happen? With one kiss, he had the power to transport me into another dimension. How did he do that? How could he make me come apart with just a touch? I’m trembling all over, unsure if I’ll ever be able to walk again.

  “Stay,” he whispers against my lips. Can I? Can I put everything aside for just one night and pretend the past doesn’t exist?

  “Not tonight.” He lets out a long sigh but doesn’t press me further.

  “Ok. Let me have your cell.” I don’t bother asking why and look around in my bag for it. When I give it to him, he enters something then hands it back. Seconds later, he has his own cell in hand and proceeds to make a phone call. My cell rings and I see his name appear on the screen.

  “You’re so random, you know that,” I laugh. I push the end button, but he dials again. “Seriously? I’m standing right here and you’re calling me?”

  “Would you just pick up please?” Yeah, he is one strange dude but I humor him and answer anyway.

  “Hello? Who’s this?”

  “Smart ass. Just stay on the phone with me until you’re home.” I open the door and step outside into the cold. It’s snowing again. There’s no wind, no noise. It’s as if the earth is standing still. Strong arms pull me back into an embrace, and I fall against him willingly. “You sure you don’t want to stay? I’ll keep you warm.” There’s humor in his voice, but I know if I said yes, he would do more than just keep me warm. He could set both of us on fire, red fiery flames that could melt my frozen hea
rt.

  “I’m sure. I’ll see you again soon. After all, you do know where I live.” I start walking away as his voice follows me home.

  “You’re killing me, you know?” He’s still outside in the freezing cold.

  “Well, I’m not much better.”

  “If you would’ve stayed-”

  “Yeah, I know, but I can’t tonight. I want to be one hundred percent sure about this. I’m not saying it won’t happen.” I hear him groan into the phone, and I wonder if it’s from frustration or relief.

  “As long as you don’t say no, I’m ok with that. I like you, Jenny. Like a lot. You don’t have to say anything back. That’s not why I’m telling you this. I just need you to know that for me this is so much more than a one night stand.” I don’t know how to respond to that, so I keep walking without giving him a response. Hearing him say that makes me feel wonderfully happy and all warm and toasty inside. But still, I can’t tell him I feel the same because the truth is, I don’t know how I feel. What if all I feel is from my lack of intimacy? What if it’s all a physical need that will disappear once we sleep together? “Hello? Babe, are you there?”

  “Sorry, I’m here. I don’t-”

  “It’s ok. No need to say anything. I’ll wait until you’re inside.” He can see me unlock the door, and I turn around and wave.

  “Ok, my dear knight, I’m home.” I lock the door behind me and rest against it. He’s still on the phone, neither one of us ready to hang up.

  “Why don’t you come over tomorrow? We can decorate the tree and I can cook for you.” Another day with him and Lily?

  “What time? My appointment is in the morning.”

  “Anytime you want. Just come on over. We won’t start without you.” I can hear him close the door and imagine him walking through the house, turning off lights, then going to his room; undressing. My mouth waters as I picture his naked body. I already have a pretty good idea of what’s underneath all these clothes. I’ve touched him, and after tonight’s grinding session in his hallway, what I didn’t touch I felt. God, it’s so hot in the house now. “What are you doing?” Did he notice the change in my breathing? Like that wouldn’t be creepy or anything.

  “Nothing, just trying to take some of the clothes off.” Yeah, perfect answer genius.

  “You really are trying to kill me. It’s obvious so don’t try to deny it.”

  “Oh shush. Go to sleep, David. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks again for a lovely time.”

  “Sweet dreams love.”

  I hang up first and as I lean against the front door, I catch a glimpse of myself in the long mirror. I don’t recognize the woman in the mirror. She looks happy, alive. I have David to thank for that. He is the reason I, in this moment, feel like a teenager ready to sing and dance in the falling snow. I’m sure that would be quite a show for the nice neighbors.

  I push away from the door and I almost float to my room. For the first time in a long while, I can feel my heart beating again. I drop my boots and coat on the floor, not bothering to put them in their usual place. I do a pirouette before I jump into bed. With my eyes closed, I start thinking about David. About the things that make me so hard to resist. He's nothing like Sam. No one could ever compare to Sam. And I wouldn’t want him to. Sam was my tattooed surfer with sun kissed skin, rough hands and bright eyes.

  David is just the opposite. There’s no ink adorning his body, at least I don’t think there is. His eyes are dark and are always smiling, his skin the color of porcelain. His hands are softer than mine, gentle, always ready to touch and caress. Patient, passionate, attentive, pleasing. These are the words that best describe him. The more I think about it, the more I realize that maybe he’s just what I’ve been waiting for. Maybe he is the medicine I’ve needed this whole time. That’s the thought that haunts me as I fall asleep.

  Chapter 14

  I did go to his house the next day, and the day after that. In fact, we spent every free moment together, decorating the tree, playing with Lily, making cookies, watching old movies. Without even realizing it, I was becoming part of their life as much as they were becoming part of mine. I continued my visits with Dr. Collins who by now was beyond proud of my progress.

  What I did not realize was that all the old feelings and hurts were being masked by everything that was going on around me. Never forgotten, always there hiding in the background. My fear was that one day they would find their way back to the surface, and like an explosion, they would burn to ashes everything around me.

  David’s patience was unheard of. Like a magician, he always knows what to say, when to say it; when to push and when to take a step back. We haven’t made love yet. It’s not from lack of trying on my part. I’m ready emotionally, and bursting with need physically. “I don’t want to rush you,” he says. Maybe he’s right. Or maybe he’s just as scared as I am.

  There are two more days until Christmas and Lily is full of excitement. The whole days she jumps and runs, and talks non-stop, all about Santa and the tree, reminding me what toy she wants and where Santa will get it from.

  She falls asleep in front of the television, watching Elf for the hundredth time, and David and I are finally alone. We’re lying on the floor, our back resting against the sofa, looking at the beautiful Christmas tree. We’re sipping hot chocolate spiked with some kind of alcohol, and I’m starting to wonder if maybe he’s trying to get me drunk and finally put me out of my misery.

  “You could go with us, you know.” I rest my head against his chest and close my eyes. He’s leaving tomorrow to visit his family in New York. For the past few days, he’s been asking me this question.

  “Stop worrying about me. You and Lily will be so busy with your family; you’re not going to have time to miss me. Besides, I’m going to spend some time with my mom. I’m not going to be alone.”

  “Let me know if you change your mind. We’re leaving at ten tomorrow.”

  “I will. Well I better get going too. I’ll see you in the morning, ok?”

  “You could stay,” he says sheepishly.

  “Come on, walk me to the door and maybe I’ll let you kiss me goodnight.”

  The next day I help him get Lily ready for the trip, and I’m trying my best not to cry. My emotions are all over the place, and I blame the stupid holidays for it.

  “This is for you guys.” I hand him a large bag and he looks at it suspiciously.

  “What’s this?”

  “A bag. With some stuff inside. Oh for God’s sake. It’s a present. For Christmas. So no peeking until tomorrow morning.”

  “Babe, you didn’t have to.” The bag is long forgotten and I’m pulled into his strong arms. The kiss is tender and slow and my body responds immediately to his touch. “Come with us, please.”

  “Yes, come with us,” Lily pleads.

  “Stop it you two. You go have fun and I’ll see you when you get back.”

  “Stubborn woman.”

  “Yes I am, and proud of it, too.” He shakes his head, and once again let’s me have the last word. He’s good like that. We pack the rest of the stuff in the car and once Lily is all settled into her car seat, we say our goodbyes for the last time. I’m sad to see him get behind the wheel and drive away, but there’s not much I can do about it now, except walk back into the house and pack a few things for my short visit to my mom’s.

  It was a last minute decision, so she’s not expecting me. I pull the car into her driveway and realize that maybe I should’ve told her I’m coming. She’s not home so I leave my stuff in the car then walk up to Shelly’s house.

  “Hi there, sweets. Come on in. I was about to have some wine to take this chill off my bones.”

  “Girl, it’s not even lunch time,” I laugh and follow her in the warm home.

  “It’s happy hour somewhere, I’m sure.” She pulls me into a quick hug before pushing me towards the living room. “Damn girl, it’s freaking cold out there.” Her mom is in the kitchen, as always. I wonder if she
ever leaves that room. For as long as I’ve known her, she’s always in there. Either cooking, cleaning, or even knitting. Always in the kitchen. I say a quick hello before going after Shelly. She’s already pouring more wine into her half empty glass then gets one for me.

  “Sooooo. I heard you got yourself a man. Come on. You have to share all the hot and heavy details with me. Since I don’t get some, at least I can live through you.

  “Oh My God. You’re crazy. Yes to the man, no to the hot and heavy.” I’m whispering in hope her mom won’t hear our conversation. I would simply just die if she did.

  “Sorry. Say what?”

  “We’re taking it slow. His idea.”

  “No shit. Well at least you got yourself a considerate one. I tell you, the ones I’ve met lately can’t wait to jump my bones.”

  “Seriously? Your mom is like right there,” I point towards the open door that leads to the kitchen.

  “So what? She knows all about jumping bones. Don’t you, ma?” I can feel my face getting red by the minute. She’s completely lost her mind.

  “What honey?” her mom’s voice comes from the other room.

  “Relax, she can’t hear us.” Shelly assures me and takes another drink of her wine. “Besides, you should see the books she’s been reading. The other day she left her online shopping cart open and I swear girl, the covers of those books alone could give you an orgasm. It’s like porn on paper. Whoever invented the eBook had to be an ex porn star. Seriously.” I choke on my wine and her mom rushes to see what’s happening.

  “Play nice girls. Are you ok, Jenny?”

  “She’s fine, Ma.” Shelly pats my back a few times trying to help me calm the coughing and eventually my pipes are working again.

  “Honey, you stay for lunch, yes? I’m making stuffed grape leaves. First time trying this recipe.” God, I love this woman. Every bone in her body is laced in maternal fluff. She exudes maternal love.