A Dead Disappointment

by Birch, S. C.

  “You are fucking adorable!” Owen said. He opened the bag and pulled out an ornate brass plaque which read ‘O. Parker’ in beautiful, decorative handwriting, and he suspected she had written it herself.

  “This is brilliant! Thanks, Grace.” and he gave her a kiss on the cheek.

  The two walked in, arms linked, and headed to the living room. Owen temporarily hung the plaque over the fireplace.

  “Hello.” Grace said as she sat down beside Emily and tucked her legs under herself.

  Everyone said “Hello” in unison and continued their conversation.

  “But really, Emily? I mean, you could just give up on it.” said Daniel.

  Emily’s whole face lit up and she was just about ready to explode when Owen cut in.

  “I’m guessing she told you?” he asked.

  “Yep. And you’re an idiot for agreeing to it. Have you heard them? They sound like cats being abused or something.” said Jack.

  Owen laughed as he dropped himself down on his sofa.

  “Fuck you, you fucking…fuck face!” Emily screeched.

  “Not to be mean, but the band isn’t that great.” Daniel said, and he really wasn’t trying to be mean. “But you’re good!” he quickly added.

  “Oh, what in the utter fuck would you know, McCauley?” Emily screamed, “You’re the most musically inept fucker I know!”

  “You know what inept means?” said Cameron, “I’m impressed.”

  While Emily roared in fury, Owen laughed and buried his face in his hands.

  “Daniel mate, I was only joking, that was just harsh.” Jack had to shout just to be heard over Emily’s wailing.

  Cameron nodded, “That was a bit much.”

  “No! I wasn’t meaning you, Emily. Just the band. You’re good!” protested Daniel.

  “Nah, she’s shit, too.” said Jack who rather enjoyed being the bastard on most occasions.

  “WHAT?” Emily raged.

  Owen was laughing so hard now he could feel a stitch forming on his rib. When the buzzer went again he staggered to the door. And unexpectedly for Lucy, he was grinning when he came to the driveway to see her.

  “I won’t ask.” she said.

  Owen continued to giggle.

  Lucy Fielding

  Well, this is awkward. Lucy had once been Owen’s girlfriend (that’s how Lucy was inducted into the group) but they had split and as far as anyone knew it was an amicable split. They were sort of friends now, but Lucy infuriated Owen so much he thought blood might start seeping from his ears, so he broke it off. And now that he had money and a wealth of fans, Lucy felt like she had been cast aside. As though she wasn’t worthy of him. Lucy, in her summery dress and trainers, walked behind Owen into the living room and honestly, she was happy he was too distracted to talk.

  “I demand to be fed!” Jack shouted on Owen’s entry, “Oh, hey, Lucy.”

  “Hey”

  “Barbeque me!” Jack said. “While there’s still some sun!”

  “Right, fine. Outside then.” Owen said.

  Jack said “Woohoo” and sprinted to the back garden.

  The barbeque was a mess. A total mess. By the time food was ready the entire group had drunk so much they were sloppy and stupid. The music was loud, the dancing was awful, food had been burned to coal, Mortimer stole mouthfuls every chance he got, but their enjoyment was overflowing. They stayed out there till dark then slipped further into drunken stupidity.

  Everyone went on a miniature independent adventure that night. Owen spent most of his time on his back porch, listening to music and watching the flames from his stone chimenea dance. He cheered wildly at whoever came out to join him and demanded a drink with them. Lucy, for the most part, was relaxed and having fun until she found herself alone with Owen and quickly dashed away to avoid aggravation. Grace spent most of her night floating from Brooker to Brooker without saying much - but she was always more than happy in their company. Jack was the unofficial videographer and accidental philosopher. If he wasn’t filming the group he was having existential debates, one of which ended in tears and another ended in two full grown men wrestling on a bathroom floor. Emily (with a silent and ghost-like Grace frequently nearby) and Cameron spent most of the night talking about their favourite internet abridged series and reciting quotes. And Daniel, well he was just there. He seemed to be in all rooms at once. Always just joining in the laughs, although a lot of them did go over his head, but he just liked being involved.

  Nearing midnight Jack burst into the living room and said, “I have arrived!”

  Nobody was there.

  He wobbled to the sofa, fell on it, and wrestled his phone from his pocket. His phone was ablaze with notifications. He strained his eyes and focused.

  “No way.”

  He scrambled around, found the television remote and turned it on. There was a round, red man with a large white moustache sitting at a news desk.

  “This is an emergency broadcast. A virus has spread throughout the world and is being likened to the plague -”

  “Guys!” Jack shouted.

  “The military has deployed emergency services and they will start rescue and evacuation procedures in at least a week, please keep calm and wait for -”

  “GUYS!”

  Cameron and Emily fell into the room.

  “WHAT?” Emily said.

  “You need to see this…” said Jack, his eyes fixed on the moustachioed man on the television.

  “Do not leave your present confides under any circumstances. We do not yet know the cause; all we do know is that it is widespread -”

  “Oh shit!” Cameron threw his body into the door frame and clung on to it for support, “Seriously! Everyone needs to get in here now!”

  Lucy and Daniel ran in.

  “What is it? What’s happened?” asked Lucy.

  “Grace! Owen! For fuck’s sake, get in here!” roared Jack.

  “The military have asked that if you do come across the infected, to do whatever you can to escape; and if you find escape is not an option then you must do whatever you can to destroy the head -”

  “Oh. My. God.” Emily spluttered.

  Then Owen and Grace barged into the living room.

  “What in God’s name are you all doing?” asked Owen.

  “We have been told that the infected have been attacking people and…and eating them -”

  “Is this…?” asked Cameron.

  “I think so…” said Jack.

  “I can’t believe I am about to say this, but it would appear that this virus or plague is killing hundreds of thousands only they – they don’t stay dead. This is no joke; please stay indoors at all costs. Do not approach anyone who has been bitten. Please, I urgently beg you to stay indoors at all times. For your own safety. And if there is someone up there, although I doubt it now, please look after us all.”

  Three seconds of stagnant silence lingered in the air before an explosion of noise erupted in the room. Owen, Cameron, and the twins ran to each other, screaming and shouting in naught but pure joy.

  “Fucking zombies!” shouted Jack.

  “I know!” shouted Emily.

  “Fucking! Zombies!” Jack again offered.

  “This is the greatest fucking thing ever!” shouted Cameron.

  “Christ, guys, we need to go find some!” shouted Owen. There was rather a lot of shouting happening.

  Lucy glared at the four, “Are you actually fucking serious! You can’t really think that this is real, do you?” she screamed.

  “Yes!” the four replied in unison.

  “But,” cut in Daniel, “if this is the end of the world then why are you happy? And why would you want to go out there?”

  “Why would we not!” squealed Emily.

  “Why would you want to do that?” screamed Daniel whose confusion was mounting.

  “Guys, it’s the zombie apocalypse! We need to see it!” squeaked Owen who, like the other three excited by the prospect of an apocal
ypse, could not stop grinning.

  He started running to the door with the other four close behind him.

  “No!” Grace barked.

  Everyone turned to face her; this was the loudest she had been in longer than anyone could recall.

  Grace tightened her fists around her shawl. Her knuckles turned white and Owen could see her trembling. “I am not letting you go outside to get killed! You’re not leaving me.”

  Emily marched over to Grace and wrapped her arms tight around her neck, “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere without you.”

  Owen sat down on the other side of Grace and held her hand. “We won’t leave you, Grace.”

  “Ah!” Daniel yanked his phone from his pocket; “Need to check my parents are okay.” he said and reminded everyone they also had family (what a thing to forget). They all pulled out their phones and started sending texts and making calls to their loved ones. Except for Grace who sat patient and quiet. The room was filled with “No, we’re all fine.”, “Just please stay inside!”, “Yes, mum, there’s a first aid kit here.”, lots of “Love you.”s, and one “Milk? What?” from Emily.

  Jack was still on his phone long after everyone else had stopped their calls.

  “Whatcha doing?” Emily asked.

  “Internetting.” Jack replied.

  “What?” scoffed Lucy.

  “Internetting?” cut in Cameron, “You English words good.” Cameron, like Jack, also quite enjoyed being a bastard.

  Owen laughed.

  “Because,” Jack grunted before turning to Lucy, “I want to see what everyone else is saying ‘bout it. Plus, my followers will want to know I’m still going. And I’ve called this the zedpocs. Hoping it trends.”

  “Hashtag!” shouted Emily who then pulled out her own phone and started internetting.

  “There is something very, very wrong with you.” Lucy spat. “I swear none of this is real. It’ll all just be a big joke.”

  “Oh really?” said Jack as he stood up to face her, “Check out this then.” he pushed the phone to Lucy’s face and showed her seven different news reports all saying the same thing.

  “Then clearly,” said Lucy trying to rationalise all that was going on, “this is the world’s largest prank.”

  “Lucy!” then Jack simply roared in frustration. “Please think about what you just said. Please.” he dropped to his knees and looked up at her, “For the sake of humanity, please!”

  Within the hour Grace had fallen asleep on the sofa from all the commotion.

  Daniel paced around for a long while before pulling out his phone and finding out how many from his great list of potential conquests were still alive.

  Lucy left. She sat outside in the cool night’s air chain smoking.

  But Owen was twitching. Zombies! Seriously, zombies. An actual zombie apocalypse! How could anyone not be excited by that? He had been waiting for this for years! And after Owen couldn’t take not seeing them or going outside any longer, he did the next best thing. He bounced from one sofa to the other, grabbed the arm, and started pulling it across the floor. Emily sat, glued to her phone while she was pulled along. Owen dragged the sofa along until it sat under the window and scrambled on, resting his knees on the soft cushions and peering outside.

  “Owen! You’re a fucking genius!” said Emily as she spun around on the sofa and also watched outside.

  “I know.” replied Owen.

  Then Jack and Cameron launched themselves over and all four peered outside in the hopes of seeing some undead action.

  Day Two

  Owen, Cameron, and the Brookers continued to sit by the large bay window, watching and hoping a zombie would pass. Mortimer was sitting by the bay window too, but only because he had found a warm patch of early morning sunlight to bathe in.

  At some point, and she wasn’t sure when, Lucy had fallen asleep on the bench outside. She could feel a pain creep along her neck as she sat up feeling rigid and stiff. She stretched then swept her long black hair away from her face. During the night Daniel had given Lucy a blanket to keep her warm, and though she no longer needed it for warmth, she pulled it over her shoulders for comfort. Time to face the truth now. She found her phone. The news of an apocalypse was still engulfing the world. Unsurprisingly she had received no texts or missed calls. No one was looking for her. She had a cigarette in the quiet of the outdoors, then headed inside.

  “So what do we do now?” she asked upon entering the living

  room.

  “Dunno, really.” said Jack, still staring out the window.

  “Is that it? That’s the best you’ve got? Dunno.” Lucy snapped, “Think of something. If this is real, then you have to think of something to do!”

  And for the first time since last night, all four looked away from the window. The irony of it was at that exact moment a zombie did indeed shuffle past the gates.

  “I don’t see you coming up with any ideas.” said Owen.

  “I’m sorry, but this isn’t exactly the kind of thing they teach you at medical school.”

  Owen groaned, “Medical school? Lucy, you’re training to be a dentist! Don’t pretend that you’re something you’re clearly not.”

  “Nice.” Lucy said, scowling. She turned away from Owen and sat beside Grace.

  “We do need to work out what we’re going to do next, though.” said Cameron.

  “We wait for the police or something. They’ll get us.” said Daniel as he too joined them wearing a pair of jeans, no socks, no shirt, and a towel wrapped around his head.

  And she didn’t mean to hurt his feelings, but Emily laughed at him.

  “Daniel,” she said through her giggles, “you know that, like, nobody is coming to getting us, right?”

  “But the guy on the news said…” Daniel whimpered.

  “I know. Bless you. They won’t be coming.” Emily said and threw herself down from her perch and sat on the sofa, “They say that to stop people panicking and that. They’ll be too busy trying to save political people and killing zombies. Maybe they will come for us, but that won’t be for, like, months.”

  Daniel sat down too, “Then should we maybe leave and find safety?”

  “Nope.” said Owen. “That’s what almost everyone will be doing right now. The roads’ll be blocked to hell and someone will turn and everyone will end up dead. It’s what always happens.”

  “Always?” said Lucy with a wealth of sarcasm. “Because this is an everyday occurrence.”

  Emily nodded as she lost the sarcasm, “Always. Like, that’s rule one. It’s kinda basic.”

  “So…what now?” asked Daniel.

  Owen thought about it. He had been mentally prepping for a zombie apocalypse for a number of years.

  “Right, guys, I think we shou-”

  “First we need to work out how much food we have.” said Cameron. “We should get it all, count it, and put it in the middle of the kitchen.”

  “Really?” Owen said, “I was talking.”

  “Yeah, but we weren’t listening.” Jack said then sprung from his seat and disappeared. Everyone followed, and they ransacked the kitchen, putting everything edible on the worktop island. This is what they had:

  Three boxes of cereal.

  Enough milk for one bowl of cereal and a small cup of tea.

  Sixteen bags of assorted crisps.

  Three bars of chocolate.

  One frozen black forest gateau.

  Twenty-four packets of instant noodles.

  Two tins of pineapple chunks.

  Four tins of mushroom soup.

  One frozen cheese and onion quiche.

  Enough alcohol to sink fourteen hardened sailors.

  Seven bags of dog food.

  Two bananas.

  One can of condensed milk.

  And finally, one can of Moonshine.

  “Mate, what’s wrong with you?” Jack asked as he looked at their disappointing bounty.

  “I’ve only just moved in. Haven
’t got around to actually buying proper food yet.” Owen said, attempting to defend himself.

  “No,” Jack said shaking his head, “I mean why this many noodles? Just why?”

  “I like noodles. What’s wrong with that?” Owen asked.

  “Clearly, mate. I mean, twenty-four isn’t a casual fancy. That’s an addiction. We’re having an intervention once this is over.”

  “Just shut up!”

  Owen looked up from their rations and to Lucy, “The hell’s wrong with you?”

  “What’s wrong?” Lucy screeched, “It’s the actual end of the world! There is literally a fucking apocalypse outside your door and you two are talking about - about fucking noodles! What do you think is the problem?”

  “Well, screaming and shouting isn’t going to fix it!” Owen shouted in a pathetic attempt to stop the shouting.

  Lucy grunted and stormed into the living room.

  “Christ almighty…” said Owen as he gripped the counter’s edge and shifted his weight through his hands.

  “This is really hard on her.” said Daniel. “Maybe take it easy.”

  “We are all literally in this together. We couldn’t be more in this together if we were stranded on a fucking deserted island. It’s as hard for her as it is for everyone else.” Owen said.

  Jack swiped the Moonshine can and put it in the fridge; he had got it the day before and had forgotten about it, “Let’s get the frozen stuff back in the freezer. Think we should keep everything else out though so we don’t eat too much of it and not notice.”

  So that’s what they did. They put what needed put away in the freezer and sat down on the sofas. Emily sparked up a cigarette and handed one to Jack, Cameron, and Owen.

  “Shit, running low on these, too.” said Emily who started chewing on her bottom lip.

  “It’s fine. Brought round a few extra packs.” Jack replied. “Didn’t know how long a drinking session this was gonna be.”

  “And from the looks of things,” said Cameron as he slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out a lighter, “It’s going to be a long one.”

  Daniel turned on the television and they watched the bloated, moustachioed man who now looked like he was on the verge of bursting.

  “We have just received word from Downing Street. It is official; a bite does indeed transfer infection from one recipient to another. Should you find yourself bitten, the official advice is to remove the affected limb as swiftly as possible. And if you do come across anyone who has been bitten, and I deeply regret saying this, but you must take drastic action and…kill them. Being sure to destroy their brain or they will come back as one of them. I am aware this is deeply upsetting news, but the Prime Minister has asked me to inform you of this so we can stop the virus spreading further. We are still receiving your photographs and you can view them all, along with your comments. To be part of the conversation just go to our websi-”