Chapter Eighteen
In between bouts of crying and two bottles of Scotch, Abby had killed two birds with one stone. She had finished her manuscript, and she had learned from her grandmother that Syd had left town. Mission accomplished, Abby thought as she threw back the rest of her Scotch.
When she left Charville, her only plan was to escape her feelings for Syd. That worked well. She put her sadness and aching for Syd into her writing, and she was finally able to finish. How good it was remained to be seen. She had holed herself up in some dank motel room and ate all her meals at a Denny’s down the road. It was Leaving Las Vegas-light. She managed to brush her teeth every day but showered every other day. Now, the coast was clear. She’d be able to return home without the risk of running into Syd. The images of her, like a slide show, ran through Abby’s mind, and it made her want to throw up.
The For Sale sign in the front yard of Virginia’s home would be burned into her memory forever. A memory of what she’d had and what she’d lost. Both Virginia and Syd. Gone from her life.
She pulled into her driveway and tiredly dragged her suitcase through the front door.
“Gran? I’m home.”
“I’m in the kitchen, honey.”
Abby left her suitcase just inside the front door and went to see her grandmother. Abby had made sure to call her every day while she had been gone to check in on her and see if she needed anything.
“My word, Abigail. You look a fright. You have dark circles under your eyes and your clothes are hanging off you. What in the world have you been doing?”
“Good to see you too, Gran. I’m fine, by the way. Oh, and good news—I finished the manuscript,” Abby said sarcastically. Her agitation had been at high level since she walked out on Syd nine days ago. The only time it lowered was when Abby had a couple of drinks to numb her heartache. She needed love and caring from her grandmother right now, not criticism.
She went to the living room and dropped onto the couch, kicking her feet up, and draping her arm across her eyes. She felt her gran come into the room, her perfume she always wore accompanying her. No matter how Abby was feeling, the scent was like a comforting blanket being wrapped around her.
“Syd put the house up for sale.” It wasn’t a question she needed answering. The sign still burned in her mind.
“Yes. She came by last Saturday on her way out of town to say good-bye. I think she was hoping to see you one last time.”
“How did she look?”
Her grandmother sighed. “Sad. Tired. Resigned, I suppose. She left a letter for you. I put it in your room on your dresser.”
Abby remained quiet. She had no aspiration to read that letter. She wouldn’t blame Syd if she tore her a new asshole, but Abby did what she felt was the right thing to do, the noble thing. Those kids needed her and she needed them. A farm in a small town in Iowa was no place for a woman like Syd. It was too slow, too quiet, not anything like she was used to.
“Did she say anything else?”
“She asked if we could take care of the chickens until the farm was sold and I agreed. She gave me a box of some of Virginia’s things she thought I might like, including some photographs.”
Abby went quiet again, her mind cluttered with thoughts and images of Syd and her together, and she let out a sob. She had trouble breathing, the tears were coming so quickly. She felt the whole world closing in on her and she was suffocating. The only thing that could help was Syd, but she was long gone and back in Chicago, where she should be. Abby’s grandmother sat next to her and took Abby into her arms.
“Oh, sweetheart. I understand why you did what you did, but are you sure? You obviously love her and I could tell how much she cares for you. Why don’t you call her?”
“I can’t, Gran. I have to be strong, and if I call her, it will be too hard. I just need more time, is all.”
Her grandmother gave Abby a kiss on her forehead. “Why don’t you go take a shower and lie down for a bit? I’m making your favorite dinner tonight.”
“Pot roast with mashed potatoes, gravy, and cooked carrots?”
“Of course,” she said with affection. “And there might be a carrot cake too. We need to put a little weight back on you.”
Abby hugged her again. “I love you, Gran. So much.”
“I love you too, sweetheart. Now go get some rest while I finish dinner.”
Abby lugged her suitcase to her room and dumped every article of clothing into the hamper, including the clothes she was wearing. She turned on the shower as hot as she could stand and stepped under the powerful spray. She wanted to stay there all day. The shower in her motel room had low water pressure and never got hotter than a tepid warm. Abby felt like she hadn’t been clean since she left here. She let the hot water soothe her tired and stiff muscles, used her body wash and loofah to scrub every inch of her body. She had lost a lot of weight while she was gone, and her hard-earned muscles she got from working on the farm had all but disappeared. The hard planes of her stomach were now soft and flabby and her bones were protruding from her pelvis and ribs. But she was confident that it wouldn’t take long to get her muscles back.
She dressed in a clean T-shirt and boxer shorts, and she spotted the envelope from Syd on her dresser. She contemplated reading it and decided to put it on her nightstand. She lay down on her bed and stared at the ceiling, resuming the slide show in her mind of her and Syd. Meeting her in the barn, teaching her how to feed chickens, helping her clean out the garage, watching her make magic in the kitchen. The romance between them, sitting together by the pond, their first kiss, the first time Abby made Syd come, the first time Syd made Abby come, the many kisses, even more touches, the night they made love and their feelings were silently revealed. That was a magical night for Abby. She never knew she could feel so much, so deeply that only one woman could consume her every thought.
She pounded the bed with her clinched fist and turned on her side. She shouldn’t have allowed herself to fall in love with a woman who lived in another state. Like I had a choice. From the first moment Abby saw Syd, she was completely, utterly captivated. Her beauty, her confidence, at times her defiance, her compassion, her humor, her passion. Syd had it all, and Abby thought she’d never find that again. Her soul ached from the loss of Syd, and Abby wasn’t sure she’d ever recover. She would die a single, old, washed-up author, cat lady with nothing to show but the brief glimpse of being in love and being loved by such a remarkable woman.
She obviously wasn’t going to be able to nap, and she might as well add to her misery and wallowing. She opened the letter from Syd, and she could almost smell her. She stared at the words, afraid what they might say, but felt she deserved everything Syd had to say to her.
Dear Abby,
I’m lying here in bed, alone, and all I can think of are the times we shared in this bed. It feels so lonely without you here with me, so much so that I wish we had one more night together. We would laugh, we would cry, we would make love, and we would stay awake all night long, holding each other, coming up with ways to stay together. You don’t know this, but I actually researched travel time from Charville to Chicago (it’s about two hours each way, in case you were wondering). I thought that what we were getting to in our relationship was worth seeing where it could go, but you obviously didn’t feel the same way.
“Oh, God, Syd, but I did. I felt exactly the same, but I just couldn’t tell you. I did it for you, baby. Your life is in Chicago. You wouldn’t be happy here.”
Despite how it ended, I want you to know that I wouldn’t change the time we spent together. Well, except for that last night when you walked out on me. When you walked out on us, and left town without even saying good-bye. That hurt me, Abby. More than I’ve ever been hurt before.
“Christ, Abby. You are such a cowardly asshole.”
Anyways, I’m grateful that I got to know you and Bernice. Thank you for being such great friends to Virginia and looking out for her. She loved you so
much, Abby. She talked about you in her letters to my mother. I’m glad she had you and Bernice. I really appreciate all the help you gave me sorting through Virginia’s property. I’m not sure if I could have done it without you.
I’ll never forget you, Abby. You gave me my first horse ride, taught me how to care for the chickens, and I could never forget that first kiss near the pond. I can almost still feel your lips on mine, your hands on my body, you bringing me to orgasm better than anyone. Damn it, Abby. I miss you so much.
“Oh, Syd. I miss you too, baby. More than I ever thought I could miss anyone.”
I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re so special, honey. You have a heart of gold, and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. I know I feel lucky, even if it wasn’t for forever like I had wanted. Every time I think of you, I’ll remember you fondly. If you’re ever in Chicago, or just want to talk, I’m only a call away (sorry for stealing your line, but it’s just too good). I hope we can remain friends, but if you don’t want to, I’ll understand. You take care of yourself, Abby.
All my love,
Syd
Abby pulled her pillow up to her face and screamed into it, muffling her voice so she wouldn’t scare her grandmother. How could she have been so stupid? To let someone like Sydney Carter go? She mentioned something about continuing to see each other. Abby scanned the letter. It’s about two hours each way, in case you were wondering. Abby took a deep breath and frowned. And then what? Continue commuting for the rest of our lives? She couldn’t leave her life in Chicago, and Abby couldn’t leave her grandmother all alone in Iowa. Why did love have to suck so bad?
Abby curled up in fetal position and gathered one of her pillows in her arms, imagining it was Syd she was holding.
Chapter Nineteen
Syd was painting the walls inside the new building she bought that would be the community center for the kids. In addition to providing services for the inner-city youth, she was adding a program for LGBTQ youth. A safe place for them to come and hang out. It was going to be an all-inclusive program that was going to provide tutoring, a library, field trips, and counseling.
She had used her grant and the proceeds from the sale of the farm, as well as a substantial loan to buy the building, furnish the place, and pay the utilities. She was working normal hours at the youth center, but it was still her full-time job, so the work she’d been doing on her center was after-hours and the weekends. The new building was close to Englewood, but it was in much better shape. She talked with her boss, Christina, and Anne, and they all decided it would be in the best interest of everyone involved, especially the children, to move the old center to the new building.
Syd and Christina would be able to combine resources to make the center even more successful by offering more services. Syd fell into bed exhausted every night from all the extra work she had been putting in, but she didn’t care. This had been her dream and it was finally coming true. Besides, the more she worked, the less time she had to think about Abby.
Her drive home from Iowa had been brutal. Every song that played on the radio had some lyric that brought Abby front and center to Syd’s mind and left her with tears in her eyes. Leaving Iowa and not being able to see Abby one last time was the hardest thing she’d ever had to do. She couldn’t believe how wrong she’d been about Abby’s feelings for her. The last time they’d been together, she could’ve sworn she’d seen the love in Abby’s eyes, felt it in her touch, in her kiss. Syd had brought her fingers to her lips. It was as if she could still feel them against Abby’s.
Syd couldn’t count the number of times she considered turning around, taking the farm off the market, and staking her claim—in Iowa and with Abby. But that wasn’t what Abby wanted. She said herself that she didn’t feel the same for Syd as she did for Abby. Syd wouldn’t and couldn’t stay where she wasn’t wanted.
She didn’t hear the door open and nearly had her heart stop when she heard her best friend’s voice.
“Wow! This place is looking good. I love the colors you picked out.”
“Jesus Christ, Vanessa. You scared the shit out of me.” She eyed Vanessa’s ratty shirt and cut-off shorts. “What are you doing here?”
“What does it look like? I came to help.”
Syd put down the paint roller and embraced Vanessa. “That is so sweet of you. Thank you.”
Vanessa laughed as she let go of Syd. “I’m not doing it totally out of the kindness of my heart. I have a favor to ask.”
“Uh-huh. What is it?” Syd picked up where she left off on the wall. She smiled when Vanessa started painting another wall.
“Leah Griffin is going to be signing her book next Saturday at the Barnes and Noble, and I want you to go with me.”
Syd had no interest in going to a book signing, especially for an author whose books she didn’t read. And especially when she still had so much to do before the center’s grand opening next month. “I don’t think so. I still have a lot to do here and I can’t afford to slack off.”
“Who’s slacking? I’m talking one hour, two tops. I’ve barely talked to you or seen you since you’ve been home, and I miss my buddy.”
Those words were enough for Syd to agree, but the pout and puppy dog eyes Vanessa displayed sealed the deal, and Syd laughed.
“Okay, buddy, I’ll go with you, but you’re buying me dinner after,” Syd said as she swiped a strip of sage green paint on the tip of Vanessa’s nose.
“Deal. I’ve missed you, Syd. How are you doing really?” Syd had called Vanessa from the road the day she left Iowa to let her know she was on her way home. She was shocked and pleased to walk into her condo to find Vanessa cooking her dinner. After they ate and unloaded Syd’s car, they sat on the couch and shared a bottle of wine while Syd cried on Vanessa’s shoulder. She told her how she fell for Abby and wanted to be with her and that Abby shot her down. The rest of the night had been spent with Vanessa holding her while she cried, handing her Kleenex, and refilling her wine glass. That was the last time they’d spent time together.
“Oh, that reminds me. Virginia had five Leah Griffin books autographed, and I brought them home for you.”
“Seriously? Oh my God, Syd. That’s terrific. Thank you.” Vanessa was quiet and her eyebrows scrunched together. “Your grandma read romance novels?”
Syd laughed at the look on Vanessa’s face. “I’m not sure since I didn’t see any other books in that genre, but she had these and they were signed. I’ll give them to you next week.”
They were able to get two rooms painted before calling it a night, with a promise to see each other the following weekend.
Chapter Twenty
Syd rushed home after spending eight hours at the center touching up the paint, putting bookshelves together, and stocking them with all kinds of books from the classics to the vampire books that had been turned into movies, to gay and lesbian young adult books. She’d also placed orders for the office supplies they would need and drafted a letter that she would send out to different organizations for donations of time and/or money. Her former boss from the firm had already agreed to some of the company’s time for observations and minor internships for the kids to learn about investment banking. She only had an hour to get ready before Vanessa arrived to take her to Leah Griffin’s reading and book signing. She wasn’t sure why, but she’d taken extra time to pick out the right outfit for tonight. She’d just finished fastening her earrings when Vanessa called out to her.
“Whew, you’re looking snazzy tonight. Are you ditching me later to meet someone?”
Syd playfully punched Vanessa in the arm as she walked to the kitchen to get a glass of water. The thought of dating anyone but Abby made her feel a little nauseous, and she placed her hand over her stomach to try to settle the queasiness. No other woman held any sort of appeal to her, and she had refused a few offers of sleeping with the women she used to hook up with. “Of course not. But I didn’t know what to wear to something like this.�
� She looked Vanessa up and down and noticed she was dressed a bit more casually than Syd, wearing blue jeans and a button-down cotton shirt. Syd had opted for dress slacks, a silk blouse, and low heels, and she was suddenly feeling very overdressed. “Maybe I should change.”
“Don’t you dare. You look fantastic. Besides, we need to leave now if we’re going to get a good seat. I want one up close so I can see my favorite author and listen to her every word.”
Syd laughed at Vanessa’s enthusiasm. “I’m sure she’s a normal person who puts her pants on one leg at a time, just as we do.”
“You don’t understand, Syd. This is my favorite author and I finally get a chance to meet her.”
Syd’s feelings softened and she hugged her. “You’re right, sweetie. I know how important this is to you, and I didn’t mean to make light of it. Oh, that reminds me.” Syd hurried into her room and returned with the books Leah had signed to Virginia. “Here you go. I know they’re not as good as having them signed to you, but I wanted you to have these.” The look of awe in Vanessa’s eyes as she read the inscription warmed Syd’s heart, and she was glad she was able to give the books to her.
“I love them, Syd. And I love you. Now let’s go.”
Syd had to pick up the pace to keep up with Vanessa as they walked from the parking garage to the bookstore. Syd hadn’t spent much time in a bookstore lately. At all, really. She was surprised how many people were milling about in the aisles, looking at magazines, calendars, books, and other items. She saw a sign for a coffee house and was about to suggest to Vanessa that they go get a cappuccino, but Vanessa grabbed her by the hand and pulled her toward the back of the store. So much for getting a beverage. She noticed signs announcing Leah Griffin appearing tonight for a reading and signing, but she noticed there wasn’t a picture of her on the sign, just the cover of her latest release.
A Call Away Page 19