A. R. Shaw's Apocalyptic Sampler: Stories of hope when humanity is at its worst

by A. R. Shaw

  With the can still on the floor where it carelessly rolled away against the hall closet doors, Kitty threw the worthless bag on the counter and then took off her boots and soaked windbreaker, hanging the jacket on a nearby hook so that it could drip itself of moisture onto the entranceway floor. Then Kitty swiped the can off the floor and strode to the galley kitchen, slapping the can down on the counter, and without missing a beat walked on to her bedroom only a few feet away.

  She lay down beneath the covers and didn’t even turn on a light. Nor did she close her eyes. Kitty lay in the darkness of her bedroom, pushing away the repetitive reel of Eleanor and Roland and instead listened to the sirens come and go, never ceasing in their ebb and flow.

  Somewhere during the night, she agreed that her mother was right about moving too far from home. She couldn’t do this, and it wasn’t easy to admit, but nothing was worth this. She flung back the blanket and stood up beside her bed. “Am I really doing this?” she said out loud. She looked around in the dark for the bag she usually packed her belongings in for trips home. The gray bag sat slumped in the corner of her room from the last time she’d returned, collecting dust. She took a step in the dark to pick it up and imagined she’d need maybe ten minutes to pack the essentials. But then she looked out into the living area and spied the cracked corner of tile sitting next to the little brown pig with three legs on the half wall ledge. It looked like it belonged there. Like a trough for the ceramic animal.

  Kitty walked through the living room, grabbed her damp windbreaker from the hall, shoved her feet into the still-sodden boots, and grabbed her purse and her keys. With her laces still undone, Kitty opened the apartment door, locked it behind her and left.

  19

  Dane

  I don’t think I can finish today. God, my head hurts. They won’t notice if I fall back this one time.

  Knock it off. You can do this. Just five more minutes. You can do anything for five minutes. Don’t look at the time. Keep going. Distract yourself…that’s what you need to do. Distraction…is a useful tool…remember that. Cal used it. Keep running…five more minutes. Distraction is the best thing ever. Keep going. I can do this. See…three more minutes. Three more minutes?

  Ugh, God, my head. I might vomit. I’m probably going to vomit. My hip hurts. I’m damaging what little cartilage I have left for li...

  Shut…up…look, two more minutes left. Almost there. You can do anything for two minutes…it’s just two minutes…okay, one and a half.

  No one will notice if I start walking now.

  Don’t even…

  Step after step, Dane ran. She’d fallen behind a few of the others as the pounding in her head began to match her footfalls, and Matthew kept looking back at her with concern etched on his face. She’d caught him doing it twice already. That look of concern changed to disappointment in his eyes. It secretly drove her crazy. Mind your own business. The drinking, she had to admit, was taking a toll on her body. Vowing to cut back now, she knew she’d talk herself into it again when the sun went down and the memories began to intercede. Dane pushed on as the sun beat down on her head, burning her back as sweat trickled down her spine in a little itchy river.

  Just a little farther. Keep going, dammit. Wimping out is not an option—ever. Distraction…is key. Distraction from pain…distraction for…pain.

  And in her mind, she saw Cal and her hand crunching the side of his skull in. Then she flashed on last night, the guy on the screen trying to avoid the camera.

  He was shy. He always had been but after that, after what he did, he could not avoid attention then. She was sure that wore on him. She hoped it did.

  “Dane! You did it,” Matthew said just as his phone must have rung because he pulled the device and said in surprise, “This is Matt.” Rarely did they receive actual phone calls anymore. Texts were the norm, so this must have been important.

  But Dane wasn’t paying attention to him. She was just past the finish line without even thinking about the pain she’d endured or if she could make it in the last seconds. Distractions…they were good for some things. A useful tool, she was finding.

  While she was walking around to lower her heartrate gradually, Matthew caught up with her. When they were away from the others he whispered, “Hey, this is going to be hard to take. But I wanted to be the one to tell you. It seems Cal is doing fine despite your best efforts. That…sonofabitch is coming back.”

  “What? I told you!” She could not have heard right! Perhaps it was the thrumming in her brain. That had to be it. “No, that can’t happen. Why aren’t they holding him? Hell, they should take him right to prison. Execute him…he’s a damn rapist.”

  “I know. Calm down. He’s in a high need position just like the rest of us. They’re releasing him back to us, on probation with an ankle bracelet until the trial.”

  Her hands were on her hips as she paced back and forth. Sweat dripped off her nose as the pounding in her skull increased. “When’s the trial set? Next year. That’s how they do this. That’s how he’ll get away with it. I told you, Matthew! I told you that night. I knew it.”

  “I know…calm down.”

  But she couldn’t calm down. Not after that. “He’s going to work with us, isn’t he?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why? Why would they do that? Putting him with us makes no sense. They know that I attacked him. Why not a different unit?”

  “Dane, he never told them it was you who tried to cave his skull in. He’s denying he even touched Rebecca. Says it was a case of mistaken identity. That whoever it was assaulted Rebecca and when he came along, he tried to help her, though he doesn’t remember any of it.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me. How does he explain my presence? They have his DNA, for God’s sake. They can prove he did it. Hell, they probably have mine all over his freaking head.”

  Matthew nodded at her. “He claims he has no memory of anything. But until the DNA evidence implicates him, he stays with us.”

  She raised her eyebrows as she leaned her hands against her knees. As if she wasn’t lightheaded before, she certainly was now. “This is insane. Just because he’s in a high need employment slot a rapist gets to walk around? I’m not surprised. I’ve seen this happen before. But who the hell is running things? He’s a predator on society.”

  “He’s a predator with a good lawyer and a powerful family, apparently, in a time of crisis. I think his family is somewhat prominent in Washington State government. That’s probably why he’s here in the first place. They’re hiding him with us to keep him from embarrassing them. With all the crazy things going on right now…no one really cares.”

  She started pacing again. “This is so wrong.”

  He reached out then and stopped her, his hand on her sweaty shoulder. She pulled away from his touch and stared at him.

  “I agree with you, Dane. I think he might get away with what he did to Rebecca. We can’t let that happen. I had to carry her in.” He shook his head, his eyes slits of anger. “You had the right idea the first time,” he said in a forced whisper. “There was a trail of blood dripping down my arm and onto the tiles of the hospital that night. What he did to her…what I saw, made me want to kill him myself. I held back. I shouldn’t have. I can see that now.”

  There were no words after that statement. She just held Matthew’s stare for a moment, knowing what he implied.

  As much as she hated to admit it, she was starting to appreciate Matthew. They were going to need a good distraction soon.

  20

  Kitty

  As if a weight lifted from her soul with the decision to go home, Kitty walked the two blocks to her car and heard beep, beep. She had to laugh at herself as the automatic locks opened, not that a locked vehicle with a busted-out back windshield warranted locking. There was nothing in there to steal but out of habit she locked it anyway.

  “At least I’m not totally crazy yet. Getting there, though...” It was the middle of the night a
nd pitch dark other than the glow of a few street lamps and the occasional emergency vehicle rushing by to the next catastrophe. Instead of the usual curiosity when an ambulance passed when off duty, she only took one look around and flung her purse into the passenger seat. She sat down and locked the doors immediately in the unfamiliar parking lot and started the engine. The radio blared, the noise startling her. She realized her hands were shaking after she shut off the music, though her heart beat faster because of the decision she’d just made more than anything else.

  “Don’t think about it. Just do it,” she told herself.

  After putting the car in reverse, she backed out of the parking spot and headed out to the on-ramp of Highway 77. What she didn’t do was turn on her phone, knowing her mother had left multiple messages. “Well, at least she’ll be happy when I get home.” Kitty smiled, imagining the look on her face when she found her standing on her doorstep.

  It would be a long drive, and depending on traffic, Kitty wouldn’t reach her mother’s doorstep in Cambridge, Massachusetts, until midafternoon. But that didn’t matter now. She was going home, away from the madness, or at least away from being alone with the madness. At her parents’ house, she at least had a buffer from the world. She could heal then, but that was her last tranquil thought as a splotch of white entered her left peripheral view and she realized a commercial van with thin rainbow stripes was veering uncomfortably close to her side of the lane, pushing her off to the right were the lane ended and the electric poles and sidewalk began. “Hey!” she yelled and simultaneously slammed on her brakes and honked her horn. The exit ramp was just ahead, but there was too much pavement in the way to freedom. In a half-second flash, Kitty thought she caught Eleanor’s image in the rearview mirror, bloody hair and all, as she veered up over the sidewalk’s curb and into the electric pole. The sudden force sent Kitty’s head into the windshield since she’d forgotten to fasten the safety belt in her excitement to escape Canton.

  Sirens…always sirens. My life’s filled with them. Then the flashing lights in the distance formed random gem-colored halos on the buildings across the street. Kitty’s eyes were open. She knew she shouldn’t try to move. She could see up close the tips of her left fingertips touching the shards of glass. A blurry figure stepped out of the van and ran around the hood of her car. A large figure. A woman with blond hair. “Help…me,” Kitty managed to say as her right cheek lay on the glass-riddled hood.

  But the person said nothing. Out of view, Kitty heard the passenger door open. The woman rummaged around in the passenger seat. Kitty presumed she was reaching inside to check her condition.

  “Help…me,” Kitty repeated, even though somewhere in the back of her mind she knew her condition was dire.

  Then the door closed with a slam and Kitty caught sight of the woman fleeing across the street as the sirens broached closer, trailing Kitty’s purse strap along behind her.

  A quiet, long final breath left Kitty’s lips with her eyes still viewing the approaching halo of light.

  21

  Dane

  Several days later, after they’d returned from a local fire, the sheriff’s truck was parked outside of the bunk building. As the rest of the tired and soot-covered crew piled out of their truck, they all cleaned up and put their gear away, taking their time. No rush to the task which often took place after a long hot day. Pensive glances were tossed toward the porch occasionally, as if whoever was inside might discover their error and take Cal to prison instead. Despite thirst and hunger, no one was in a hurry to enter the bunk house, knowing Cal had returned and he was probably in there now learning the rules of his tentative release as Tuck listened in.

  Finally, an older man with a dusty-colored mustache, holding a gray cowboy hat in his hand, the same color of his uniform, emerged from the doorway shaking his head. He swung the hat a few times against his thigh, harder than needed, as he said goodbyes to the two men at the door and made his way over to his truck. “Damn shame what’s going on in this country,” he mumbled as he got into his truck.

  That was it. He backed up, turned right and the gravel dust blew up from the back of his retreating tires.

  Dane watched as he left them with a defenseless criminal. Abandoning a shameful man to their coming deeds. She’d noticed the sheriff never looked back.

  A few of the other firemen decided the coast was clear enough and made their way to the bunkroom building. Their strides were slow. No one hurried despite their hunger and thirst.

  Matthew nodded to Dane as if to say, Here we go! His eyes were steely, his mouth set firm in a thin line.

  One boot ate gravel after the other as Dane too headed for the building. She needed a drink and she would have one soon, knowing what would come in time. For now, while sobriety kept her from revenge, she opened the door with Matthew behind her, saw the back of Cal’s shaved and scab-riddled head as he sat in a chair facing the television, and stopped briefly, admiring her handiwork—though inefficient it was.

  It was Matthew who prodded her on, nudging her in the small of her back. She resisted the temptation to yank Cal out of the chair, ending him right there.

  Instead, he was telling Owen, one of the younger firemen, his recollection of things as he chugged a bottle of water. The bottle shook in his hand and his words spilled over themselves. He was nervous, and Dane knew why. Undoubtedly, he sensed the danger he was in. Like being surrounded by wolves when he was sheep covered in bacon grease. It was only natural.

  “I don’t know, man. I don’t have any memory of what happened that night, but I’d never touched her. I swear. I would never do that to her or anyone else. She was my friend. It’s mistaken identity. I understand why she’s blaming me, though. Poor thing. She’s all mixed up. This will clear up in the end. She’ll come around.”

  Owen had his eyebrows raised and nodded but she knew he wasn’t buying it. The kid wasn’t stupid. He confirmed this by saying, “Whatever, man.”

  “How do you know it wasn’t you, if you don’t remember?” she said from behind him.

  He jumped a little at her voice; that was an easy tell. He was faking it and everyone knew it. He turned to her and smiled but he didn’t answer the question.

  Feeling the nudge again from Matthew, only more forcefully this time, Dane walked on to the kitchen, where most of the team leaned against counters or aimlessly meandered. No one wanted to be in the same room with him for long. The tension built, and it wasn’t just her. Dane saw how Tuck glared at the man from across the room. He held his crutch nearby. She thought for a second he might use the short end on Cal.

  Tuck was obviously not comfortable with the arrangement, either.

  Dane retrieved a water bottle from the fridge and when she turned, she saw the blinking light emanating in the distance from Cal’s ankle bracelet. Then she saw that he was staring back at her. He nodded his head as if to say hello. She couldn’t help herself; the next thing she knew she took an unconscious stride toward him when Matthew caught her around the middle and held her back, whispering in her ear, “Bide your time, Dane.”

  And she would.

  22

  Kim

  “Don’t wake your brother.” She hadn’t expected to find her daughter up when she walked in. At ten years old, that one was sneaky already, much like herself at that age. “And why are you up anyway?” Kim said, exhaling a long stream of cigarette smoke from her lips as she did so. She waved the smoke away from her daughter’s face as she stood in the dark entryway of their small apartment and took another long drag, noticing her smoke hand trembling.

  Her daughter saw it too. “I heard you leave. I wondered when you were coming back. Is that a new purse?” her daughter asked, looking at the thin brown strap slung over her shoulder.

  “Oh this? No. I’ve had this one for a while. I just don’t use it very much. I was out of smokes, so I ran to the store.” That much was true. She’d taken the lady’s cash and cards and stopped off at the 7-Eleven on the way home.
She’d thought about discarding the purse after taking what was inside, but it was such a nice one. The phone she found inside she threw into the trash, though. She didn’t need that and more than likely they’d pin the accident on the owner of the van she stole from another convenience store as it sat running while the man was in the bathroom. Served him right, though. He’d glared at her as if she were scum under his shoe. All in all, a bad day for him tomorrow. Or that’s what happened typically. The shudders in her hand subsided as she took another puff. Squinting her eyes at her daughter she said, “You need to get to bed now. You have school tomorrow.”

  Her daughter turned and walked down the hallway, her bare feet slapping on the dirty linoleum flooring. But that was another lie she’d just told. She had no intention of taking the kids to school in the morning. Instead, she’d calculated on the way home that she had enough bus fare to get her and the kids back where they belonged and out of this place. She’d never asked to come to Canton, Ohio in the first place, but she had to escape Chicago and she had to do it quick. That was a few years ago now. It was time to return and set things right.