May the Best Man Win

by M. T. Pope

  “Melvin, theys got a food truck that comes by here in about another hour if you don’t have any money.”

  “Okay. Thank you,” I said humbly.

  “It’s not the best but it’s good for a day or two.”

  I remembered the money I had in my pocket but I didn’t say a word. It would be really ignorant of me to go to McDonald’s or Burger King or something and watch them eat what they eat.

  “What’s your name?” I asked. If I was going to be out here I might as well be friendly.

  “Annie, but everybody around here calls me Tootsie.”

  “Oh that’s a cute name.” I smiled for the first time. “Tootsie, how did you end up out here on the streets?”

  “Honey, that’s a long story where I don’t even remember some parts of, but I will tell you to say no to drugs. That crack she don’t play fair and heroin is a muthafucka. I’m straight and sober now. It’s too bad that my family won’t have any parts of me and so here I am.”

  Tootsie and I got close over the weekend and she made it a whole lot more tolerable to deal with. Allies in life are important. I couldn’t help but think that maybe she was the one Mateo sent to watch me. I didn’t think she was because I thought that would be too obvious to me.

  I made it, was all that I could think about as I left the park and made my way to work that day. I know what you are saying: why not go home, bathe, and deal with the consequences of being late when I got to work? I wanted to, believe me, but I wanted Kardell to know and see that I would do anything to win, even be filthy and stinky for a couple of days. So, yes, I was filthy and I smelled terrible, but I was happy that I conquered this challenge.

  Chapter 31

  Kardell

  In the Lead

  I had briefly come out of my office to see a few of my staff whispering in a huddle.

  “He smells like warmed-over puke,” I heard one of them say.

  “He must be on that stuff to be looking like that. He never looks like that. And he had the same clothes on that he had on Friday. Damn shame.” They were so engrossed in conversation that they didn’t even see me walk up on them.

  “Uhmmm.” I cleared my throat to get their attention.

  “I’m very sure that there is work to be done.” I eyed all of them down. They scurried off in different directions. I noticed that Lewis was not among the crowd and that piqued my curiosity. He was always the ring leader when it came to some drama or gossip.

  I walked over to his work area to see if everything was okay with him. There was a smell that hit me a few feet before I got to him. It made me curious as to what was going on and especially what the others were whispering about.

  “Um, Lewis, is everything okay?” I asked as I walked up near him. I didn’t want to get too close because he did have a pungent odor.

  “I’m great.” He turned, smiled at me, and then turned back to focus on some work on his desk.

  “Is there a reason you are, um, looking the way you do today?”

  “No.” he answered without even looking in my direction. I could smell shame all over him along with all of the other scents he was carrying.

  “You don’t look fine. Do I need to send you home today? Because this is unacceptable behavior and hygiene.”

  “I said I’m great. Please leave me be.”

  I didn’t like his tone and as his employer I should have reprimanded him on the spot, but I figured that it must have something to do with Mateo’s challenge for him, so I left it alone. I did go into one of the utility closets and pulled out the can of Lysol so I could at least temporarily get rid of the smell he was carrying around.

  I went back in my office and smiled as I sat down in my comfy chair. It looked like Lewis wanted to give up. I was winning or at least that was what the text from Mateo said after I sent him a picture of my dread-less head. In his words, I was “in the lead.” I was hype about it.

  Now all I had to do was wait for the next challenge from Mateo. I could admit I was super curious and fearful at the same time about what he was going to have me doing next.

  My day went by pretty close to perfect. I put out a few fires work-wise and continued to wait for this challenge. Again, I was anxious to see what was next.

  When I got the text message on the next challenge I nearly lost my lunch. I read over the lengthy text several times to make sure I got every detail down. It was close to leaving time and I just sat in my chair shaking my head from side to side.

  There was a knock on the door.

  “Come in,” I called out.

  Lewis walked into the office with a smile on his face. The odor was still on him but at the moment he and I weren’t focused on it.

  “Did you receive the same text that I received?” he asked. I just nodded my head. I couldn’t utter a word. I couldn’t even look at him. My mind was all over the place.

  “So are you ready to be me?” He sat down in the chair in front of my desk. The smell that he had on him was now lingering too close. I pushed back from my desk just a little to put some more space in between him and me.

  Ready to be him? I shuddered in my chair. Just the thought was unnerving.

  The text that Mateo sent Lewis and me stated that we must switch lives for a week. Yes, I said a muthafuckin’ week. Excuse the language but I was just that upset. I had to be and live the life of Lewis Turner for the next week and he had to be me. Shit just got even realer. I had to give him my keys to my house, car, my cell phone, passwords to my personal social networking sites: Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and the others. Lewis had to do the same. I even had to dress like him. Oh God, the agony of thinking about dressing in anything he wore was too much. We also had to tell each other what to wear from day to day. And here is the ultimate kicker: he got to be the boss for the week. That shit didn’t sit right with me at all. Mateo also said that there would be challenges inside of this challenge, and I didn’t think I could take another thing outside of these specifics that he had already given us. What more could he make us do?

  “It’s whatever,” I finally spoke up and looked him dead in the eyes. “The question is, are you ready to be me?”

  “Shit, there isn’t much to being you. All I have to do is walk around the world like I have a stick stuck up my ass and I will be just fine. I got this. Humph!” He crossed his leg over the other one and looked at me cocky.

  “And replace the word stick with dick and I’ll be just like you,” I snapped back at him. I had to admit this contest thingy was changing me. It was bringing out the snappiness and sassiness in me.

  He was quiet for a second.

  “Whatever.” He flung his hand flippantly in the air. “Just let Janice and the rest of the staff know that I’m running shit this week so we can get this show on the road. I already know you are not going to last two days being me.” He got up out of the chair and began to unload his pockets on to my desk and then he scribbled his address down on one of the sticky tabs on my desk.

  “Lewis, you’re not boss material and you barely cut it as an employee. I’ll give you two days until you come crying to me to take it back. So let’s just face the facts; we are cut from two very different cloths: I’m Egyptian cotton and you’re polyester.” I got up and unloaded my pockets onto the desk as well and then I scribbled my address down on a sticky pad too. I could see that he was seething and trying to come up with something else to say.

  “This is a winner’s game, Lewis. A winner-take-all game. I’m moving into position to take all. Get ready, because I’m the best man and I’m going to win. That’s all I do.” I walked around the desk and stood in front of him and waited for him to speak.

  “Please, I don’t have any worries. They say all is fair in love and war. You better start worrying because I don’t play fair. I play to win. Watch your back because, honey, I’m already in front and I’m about to run circles around you and leave your head spinning. Oh, and I’m going to need you here at seven A.M. instead of the normal eight A.M.;
New captain and new rules. Check and mate.” He walked around my desk, sat down in my comfy chair, and threw his legs up on the desk like it was his. I was fuming on the inside, but I said nothing. I just gathered his things off of the desk and walked out of my office.

  It took some guts but I informed every one of my staff members of the temporary change. Everyone looked at me as if I had lost all of my senses. And my secretary Janice all but had a fit. Well, not a fit but her face sure did wrinkle up quite a bit. She checked my head for a fever and all. Lewis and she were not the best of friends and they had a “working” relationship and that was how it’d always been. She treated everyone with dignity and class, but she also handled Lewis with a long-handled spoon. She told me in confidence that he was too messy for her.

  I left the office and walked down to the car garage. I searched for Lewis’s car and when I found it I cringed again. I pulled off and started my way to my temporary home for a week. I was totally unprepared for this challenge. It was evident that Mateo was going to get even more drastic with his challenges until one of us gave in and walked away. I didn’t plan on it and neither did I plan on walking into Lewis’s living habitat. His and my styles and tastes were quite different. I walked into his place and was immediately blinded by the color schemes. It was like nothing I had ever seen before. He had blue furniture, drapes, and carpet in his living room, a purple bathroom, and his bedroom was green and red.

  Don’t get me wrong, everything was on point, but it was so over the top that at times I had to step back and look at what was really going on. He did have good taste it was just too damn colorful for me.

  After I finally settled into his space, I took a shower and looked in his dresser drawers for something to sleep in. He even had neon pajamas. I’m talking about yellow and orange silk pajamas. Ugh! Thank God he wore regular underwear because if I saw anything lace I was going to be flying commando for the rest of the week. I went to sleep after climbing on a California king bed with about ten stuffed animals and pillows. Most of that shit was on the floor by the time I finished.

  Chapter 32

  Lewis

  Normal

  After I gloated and got used to my temporary office I made my way out of the office to stares of confusion and hate. Mainly from Janice, but, hey, I didn’t give a fuck. Her ass better be marching to the beat of a different drum come morning time. I knew she didn’t care for me but I didn’t lose any sleep over it either.

  I left the building and made my way to Kardell’s car. I smiled when I opened the door and looked at the nice interior. His car was nice I had to admit. I got in, sat down, and closed the door. I started it up and the radio automatically came on. It was WEAA 88.9 FM, the jazz station. Um, yeah, it gotsta go. I flipped that dial to WERQ (Work) 92.3 FM or 92Q as most Baltimoreans called it and was immediately hyped up as Nicki Minaj’s “Beez in the Trap” came on. I whipped his whip out of the garage like it was mine. I blasted 92Q jams all the way to my temporary home.

  I got to his home and admired the neighborhood that he lived in. It was fabulous. A little too quiet for me but I was going to be livening things up in just a little bit. Yes, I was going to be having a blast up in his shit. For sure.

  I parked his car and walked up to the immaculately done mini front yard. It had Kardell’s stuck-up ass all over it. He was a perfectionist so now you know I had to mess some stuff up before I left his happy home.

  I opened the door to his home and was immediately astonished at the detail of his living room. Everything was clean and neat. He was an earth-tone type of guy: browns, grays, taupe all covered his living room area. It was very uninteresting to me. No color or anything. It was just the way he dressed: plain and stuffy. He had body-length mirrors on the walls and pictures of his family strategically placed over a fireplace. I sat down on the couch and put my feet up on his nice stone and wood coffee table. I put my head back and folded my hands behind my head. I closed my eyes and took in the smell of his house. The smell of lavender and bamboo overpowered the scent that I was still carrying with me.

  I was startled back to reality by the meow of a cat. My eyes shot open and down to the cat that was sitting down on the floor looking up at me. I wasn’t a cat lover. I preferred a dog to a cat. I didn’t do a pussy in any form. I didn’t make any sudden moves because I didn’t want to startle him and send him on some type of tirade causing me to have to play kickball with him as the ball. I eased up back into an upright position and looked at his needy-looking eyes. He wanted to be rubbed, I assumed. I took a chance and petted his head first. He reacted with no resistance. So I took it a step further and decided to rub his back. He received that as well as the lower part of his body lifted off of the ground and into the air with the front of him lowering a bit.

  “Look at that. You a ho just like your master pretend he’s not.” I laughed to myself.

  After rubbing the cat a few more times I decided to go and shower to get this smell off of me. I walked up his steps into the second floor of his house and it was pretty much the same as the rest of the house: plain and boring. The cat trailed me everywhere I went. He was worse than a man who received a good blow job from me.

  I found Kardell’s linen closet and grabbed me a fresh towel and washcloth. Even that closet was organized to the max. I wasn’t a messy person by far but his shit was borderline obsessive. I understood being neat but he was a neat freak.

  I showered for a good forty-five minutes, because I had to get that smell off of me. Two days of no showering was horrible and I felt like I had to make up for it double time. I didn’t know how I did it. It had to be that got-to-win attitude that I had. I was an at-all-cost winner for sure. Yes, I planned on throwing a little dirt around before it was all said and done.

  I walked out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around my waist. I was smelling good and looked for something on his dresser to cause me to smell even better. And as you guessed, his toiletries were all aligned perfectly, too. I picked up some lotion and smoothed that on my already-perfect skin. That was one of the best things that Mateo loved about me and I wasn’t going to deny the man the luxury of my soft and smooth skin forever.

  After getting all prepped for bed I decided that I was going to sleep in the nude and leave my scent on his bed every day that I was here.

  Chapter 33

  Kardell

  Out of Control

  “This is not going to fly with me.” I spoke to myself as I stood in front of the mirror and looked at the outfit that Lewis texted me this morning. “Lavender pants and shirt with a turquoise tie and matching shoes. Who dresses like this? This is an Easter outfit or something.” I shook my head in embarrassment toward myself. I couldn’t believe I was going to walk out of his house like this. I knew Lewis was going to enjoy my embarrassment that I would feel at work with these clothes on. I couldn’t even smile. It definitely looked like something he would wear. I was a suit man all the way and I did earth-tone/neutral colors when I dressed for work and most of my non-working attire was the same.

  But I did leave the house. I ran to his car like I was Beyoncé and the paparazzi were chasing me. I pulled off and headed to work on my first day as Lewis.

  I walked into the building and the lobby attendant looked at me and laughed. He was usually a very quiet guy but today I was a spectacle for him to get his jollies off of. I really wanted to go into hiding.

  I couldn’t get on the elevator fast enough. I arrived at my floor and exited the elevator. I had to stand in front of the door to get myself together before I went inside the office.

  “Good morning, everyone,” I greeted them all with a smile. They weren’t so kind. The looks of shock were all over their faces. I had to admit that I wasn’t shocked. I did the same thing to Lewis from time to time when he wore these clothes.

  “Wow,” was all that Janice could say as I approached her desk. Her mouth was gapped open in shock. But she never asked me what was going on. I was glad because explaining my current
situation would be too hard for me to do. I still couldn’t believe I was doing all of this for a man.

  I left her desk and made my way back to Lewis’s work area. She walked with me.

  “Sir, he is out of control already,” she said in a hushed tone. When we finally made it to his work area I sat down and looked at his confusingly arranged desk.

  “What has he done?” I asked.

  “He’s just being his overbearing and outspoken self.” She looked at me, annoyed. “He wants his coffee at a specific temperature or I have to make it over until it is correct. He wants me to type up senseless memos every half hour. He even put me on a restroom schedule. He even had the nerve to ask me if I had on a bra because my breasts were ‘low and offensive.’ I don’t know if I can take him for a week. And I am not the only one he’s offended.”

  “It won’t be for long. Trust me,” I tried to reassure her.

  “It’s only been an hour and that has been too long already.” She leaned in and whispered.

  “Excuse me, but, Janice, your work area is empty. Shouldn’t you be in it? You don’t get paid to hold conversations. You get paid to pick up the phone. I know you are over the hill but acting like it can get you replaced.” Lewis spoke as he came up behind us like a cat burglar. We both jumped because he startled both of us. We turned to see an all-too-serious look on his face. Janice made her way back to her area while Lewis handed me my work agenda for the day.

  “This needs to be done by the end of the work day. No excuses.” He didn’t even wait for a reply before he walked off back toward my office.

  He has lost his damn mind. I shuffled through the pile of work he handed me. It looked like it was going to take me a long time to get this done. If this was going to be his attitude for the next few days then crazy outfits were going to be the last thing I had to worry about. I had to pray that my staff could hold out until I got the reins back to this ship I was the original captain of.