Moving quickly on his crutches, he balanced to open his door, then pushed out into the dimly lit hallway. He saw a slim figure coming from the direction of the gym—Pearl heading to her bedroom.
“Crap!” he heard her exclaim; then she darted as if to go around him, but her foot caught his right crutch and took it out from under him.
Jex stumbled to the side, knocked into Pearl, and they both went down. In midair he was able to push the crutches away and semi-catch himself with his arms so he didn’t hurt her with his full body weight. He still ended up on top of her with his arms on either side of her torso on the floor and his chest pressing into hers. He stared at her beautiful face. “Sorry,” he muttered. He should push off of her, get away, but he couldn’t force himself to do it.
“My fault,” she said breathlessly.
A few beats passed as she held his gaze, and Jex felt her heart thudding against his own chest, felt her breath against his mouth, felt her. He loved her. What was he doing trying to push her away? Their breath intermingled and he wanted to kiss her again. Holding her last night had been heaven and felt exactly like he’d said the day he got hurt, as if she was his morphine. He’d forgotten every pain, every fear, every heartache.
“Did I hurt you?” Jex asked, his voice sounding just as out of breath as hers did.
“No.” She lifted her hands and ran them up his arms. “You look amazing, Jex.”
His breath was coming in pants now from her touch and her compliment. Could she still be attracted to him, even now that he was … not complete? “You always look amazing,” he said.
Pearl smiled softly. “Even all sweaty from the gym?”
“I didn’t even notice,” he murmured. Sweaty? She was perfect, no matter what. Why did he have to be less than perfect now?
She trailed her fingers up his arms and across his shoulders; her touch on his bare skin shot warmth clear through him. Why couldn’t he just claim her lips like he had last night, kiss away the angst and sadness, and take her morphine and beauty into his soul? She could heal his pain. He knew it.
Cold hit him square in the face, as if one of his brothers had thrown a bucket of ice water at him. Take. That’s all he was now, a taker. He had nothing to offer.
He pushed off of her and onto his left side. Pearl didn’t move, still lying on the floor, staring up at him. She looked so appealing, but fire appeared in her teal blue eyes. He’d ticked her off. He loved when she got all feisty.
Jex fought to hold himself away from her. “You’re okay, then?” he asked. It came out stiff and heartless.
“I’m better now than I was last night,” she threw back at him.
Why did she have to do this? Jex couldn’t go there. He wasn’t a serious guy by nature, but the past five weeks and his lack of a future weighed heavily on him. “I apologize,” he forced out; then he rolled farther away from her, grabbed his crutches, and pushed himself to his feet.
Pearl sprang up to her feet and almost knocked him off his crutches again as she surprised him by wrapping her arms tightly around his lower back and pressing her beautiful form against him. She held him fiercely, desperately. Jex didn’t have the heart to push her away, and he didn’t want to. Selfish, as usual. That’s what he was with Pearl now.
She glared up at him, so defiant and adorable he could hardly stop himself from kissing that angry tilt off her lips. “What are you apologizing for now, Jex?”
“I …” He wanted to apologize for getting injured, for changing, for not being able to be the man she deserved, but he couldn’t get into those deep discussions or she’d dig truths out of him that he wasn’t ready to deal with or even admit to. It would be much smarter to get her to leave quietly, and then she’d realize that she didn’t want to come back.
“For falling on you,” he said simply, praying she’d leave it at that, that she’d release him and let him go lift weights and push through the anger and frustration the only way he knew how to right now. That psychiatrist was worth nothing to him. Maybe if Jex didn’t lie through his teeth at every appointment, the guy would have a chance of helping him.
Pearl moistened her lips. She was too appealing to him. How could he resist her? “I don’t want your apologies, Jex.”
“What do you want?” He shouldn’t have asked. He couldn’t give her anything that she wanted.
“I want you.” She ran her hands over his shoulders and to his chest, seeming to savor the muscles of his chest. “I want you, Jex.” She pushed closer to him. “All of you.”
Jex let out a moan of desire and frustration. He wanted her more than she’d ever understand, because he’d never tell her. He would not bind her to him when she had all the potential, talent, and opportunity in the world, while he was a washed-up has-been.
“Please, Jex,” she murmured, staring up at him sweetly. She was as close to an angel as he’d ever encounter.
Didn’t she understand that he couldn’t just let himself be with her when she deserved more? If he was weak enough to beg her to marry him, someday she’d come to resent him and realize how much more she deserved.
He stared down at her, aching to pull her close. He didn’t allow himself to drop his crutches and cradle her against him. Not that he physically could. To hold her close with both arms like any normal man, he’d have to lean heavily on her. It was amazing how easy it was to remember his disability and why he had to stay strong around her.
Jex used his crutches to swing backwards out of her reach. Separating from her helped him stay a little stronger, but it was still too hard being able to see her and smell her. She had that delicious swirl of vanilla, coconut, and musk, even though she’d been exercising.
Pearl’s face showed confusion, sadness, and anger. Jex clung to his crutches and couldn’t look at her anymore. The hallway was gradually lightening as the sun got closer to cresting. Pearl seemed to shine with the light. He wanted so badly to touch her again. Instead, he looked out the windows and muttered, “Maybe you should go visit your brother or mom for a while.” Pearl’s dad had died in the military years ago and her mother had never remarried, raising her children alone. She was a strong lady, like Pearl. Pearl was strong enough to get over him and move on. He had to be strong for her. He forced himself to meet her gaze rather than look away like the coward he’d turned into.
Pearl’s teal eyes were bright. She stood like a statue, confusion and sadness warring on her face. Jex’s jaw worked, and he wanted to take his words back, beg her to never leave him.
No! That was his weakness thinking. He had to get her out of here so he didn’t keep waffling and confuse her even more. She claimed she still wanted him, but he was realistic enough to know that would wear off as his pathetic life without two legs became more and more evident to her. The doctors had little hope that his leg would function normally again. He might get some mobility back, but he’d always walk like a cripple. His life was basically over, and he wasn’t sucking Pearl into the vortex of his downward spiral.
He said nothing as he studied her. What was there to say? If he revealed how much he loved her, she’d stay with him. He knew her goodness and her dedication. He refused to do that, to eventually be a charity case to her, and he didn’t want to lie and tell her he didn’t want her or didn’t love her, so he stayed silent. It about killed him.
Pearl stepped up close, and Jex drew in a breath, praying she wouldn’t touch him again. A man could only be so strong.
Her eyes flashed, and she punched him in the gut. Jex grunted in surprise but then smiled. A punch was better than a hug at this point.
“What are you smiling about?” she yelled at him.
Jex shook his head and wiped the smile off his face. “Nothing.”
“So this is it, just … ‘go and visit your mom’? How lame of a write-off is that?”
It was lame. He was lame. In more ways than one. There he went, thinking politically incorrect terms again. He liked them. “It would be for the best,” he said, “if I had
some … time to figure things out.”
“What then, Jex? You’re going to figure things out and call me when you’re ready?” She arched an eyebrow. “What if I’m not just waiting around at your beck and call?”
That was exactly what needed to happen: for her to move on. With work, anyway. The thought of her with another man carved pain into his gut, but he knew that needed to happen for her too. He didn’t know how to respond and not play his hand, reveal how much he loved her. He forced a smile and said, “Have a good trip. Tell your mom hi for me.”
Then he whirled away and pounded to his room on his crutches. He could feel her eyes drilling into his back, but he couldn’t stop. He finally made it to his room and shut the door behind him. He made it to his bed and fell onto it. Then he allowed himself to do something he couldn’t remember doing in his life. Jex Steele cried.
Chapter Eleven
Pearl stared at Jex’s door for so long she thought she might drill a hole through it or he’d come back out of it simply by force of her willpower. But no. The door remained stubbornly closed to her, just like Jex was. Was this truly goodbye, or was there any chance he would figure things out and come find her?
She trudged down the hall to her room, her shoulders bowed, pain turning her stomach. It felt like goodbye. She hurried through a shower, then started packing her suitcases, slowly, carefully at first as if she were a robot, but then the anger and the desperation overtook her trembling limbs and made her movements jerky and quick. Everything ended up thrown in and jammed into the suitcases. She had to kneel on them to zip them closed.
Weary to the bone, she glanced around the room. It was as if she were saying the final goodbye to Jex. He hadn’t given her a chance to fight for him, to work things out. He’d claimed he needed time. Well, she’d give him time, but she didn’t know that her heavy heart could give him much more. She adored him, and he didn’t seem to care about her enough to even ask her to stay. On the contrary, he’d asked her to go. Twice now.
Where would she go? Not to her mom or brother. They were both great, but they were also successful and independent, her mom as a realtor in Dallas and her brother as a chiropractor in San Diego. She couldn’t admit to them that her shining star, her life work, Jex Steele, was gone. She hadn’t really thought of it before, but investing her career and heart on one person probably wasn’t too smart.
Walking out of the room, she tugged the suitcases down the hall and passed Jex’s room. She paused, but heard no sound inside. What if he was downstairs waiting for her? Hope filled her, but as she thumped down the stairs and then through the spacious kitchen and living area, he was nowhere around. What did she expect? Jex hated sadness and confrontation. He probably hated his life right now. Maybe he thought asking her to go was noble, letting her move on, but it was stupid to her. He was stupid. She wished she could slug him again. She really wished she could kiss him again.
She made it out to the garage and to her Lexus without crying. Packing her suitcases in the trunk, she settled into the driver’s seat, pushed the start button, and clicked the garage door opener. She eased out of the garage and onto the street, waiting, praying that Jex would chase her down. 7:03 a.m. She’d give him ten minutes. The minutes ticked by slowly, yet too quickly. The garage remained empty. The front porch remained empty. Her eyes flicked from the car’s clock to the front porch, back and forth, back and forth. Nothing.
7:13 arrived, but she’d never liked unlucky number thirteen, so she waited one more minute. Sixty seconds had never gone so quickly. The car clock flipped to 7:14. It was done. Clinging to the shard of pride she had left, she rolled down her window, tossed the garage door remote onto the grass, and then sped away.
Tears clogged her vision, and she had to swallow them down. She didn’t know where she was driving to or what she’d do. She had plenty of money in her private accounts. Jex had always been more than generous with her. That thought made her cry even harder. Maybe she should just go on an extended vacation to Costa Rica or somewhere. She mulled that around for a while, but it held no appeal. Her life with Jex had been busy, but it had been a nonstop vacation too; being with him was a vacation. Now she needed distraction, to be busy, to be needed.
She pushed the button on the steering wheel. “Call Tracy Labrum.”
“Hey, girlie.” Tracy’s happy voice came through.
Pearl cried harder, not even able to force out a hello.
“Pearl? You okay, sweetie?” Tracy’s voice got panicked. “Pearl?”
Pearl pulled over in front of a large home on Jex’s quiet street. Her shoulders shook with sobs. She shoved the car into park, leaned her head back, and finally managed to speak. “I left.”
“Oh, friend. I’m so sorry. Can you make it to me?”
Blinking past the tears clouding her vision, she said, “I’ll get there sometime today.” It was a one-hour drive and it was seven a.m. Making it there sometime today sounded like a lofty goal.
“Okay. Be safe. Call me if you need anything. I’ve got a great apartment, and your perfect job waiting for you. It’ll all be okay, sweetie. I promise.”
“Thanks,” she said; then she pushed the end button. Letting the tears fall, she knew her best friend was lying to her. The perfect job for her was with Jex, and nothing would be okay without him.
Chapter Twelve
Jex pushed through another set of overhead presses. The mirrors in his gym reflected his image, and he smirked at himself. Pretty-boy muscles. That’s what his brothers would call the way he looked now: a pretty boy with nothing in his head and no thoughts for the future. He had thoughts for the future, but it was a dark place. Eighty-seven days had passed since Pearl left. In his mind, time revolved around when he’d last seen her.
He finished his evening workout. He was doing workouts twice a day, a couple of hours each. It was meaningless but it kept him busy and helped with the frustration and anger. He still met with the psychiatrist. It was the only time he left the house. Luckily, the doctor’s office was pretty quiet, and the receptionist and nurses were professional enough they didn’t share anything on social media about the fallen warrior, the formerly mighty Jex Steele, limping into the office. If any of his fans saw him shuffling around like a penguin, he would literally die.
The meetings with the psychiatrist were a waste of time, but for some reason, he hadn’t changed anything Pearl had set up: housekeepers, food deliveries, the physical therapist, and the psychiatrist. It amused him that the guy still believed his lies. His family didn’t, but they were all busy with careers, charities, and upcoming weddings, the life he’d never live. They could only sneak away for short visits, so that helped him stay in his fragile shell.
Pushing to his feet, he grabbed a chilled towel and water bottle from the mini fridge. The housekeepers did a nice job keeping everything supplied and clean. He downed the water bottle, wiped off his sweat with the towel, and then shuffled through the gym and toward his bedroom. He planted his weight on his strong left leg and then, through sheer grit and determination, dragged his right leg slowly forward. He hated it so much.
The ligaments in his knee were healing, and the bone was strong because of the steel plates and rods. He could actually stand on both legs pretty well now. The nerves were the problem for walking normal again. Some of them had rerouted, returning sensation to his foot, and he was able to do his pathetic stutter walk. Being an extreme athlete was another life, another person. But still, in his dreams, he could remember what it felt like to fly and to hold heaven in his arms. How he missed Pearl.
His doorbell rang and then someone pounded on his front door. Then the doorbell rang again and again. Jex froze for half a second. Neighbors didn’t come knocking on his door, and his parents had been here several days ago. That left one of his siblings or … he didn’t dare think her name for fear of jinxing it.
Would she come back? They’d had no contact since that horrible day he’d told her to go visit her mom or brother. Told her h
e’d work things out. Lies. He had no hope of “working things out.” What was there to work out besides resigning himself to a fruitless, lame existence? He loved using the word lame. It shocked his mom and made him feel vindicated.
The doorbell kept dinging obnoxiously as he slowly made his way down the stairs, clinging to the handrail. He heard his phone going off in his bedroom. Whoever was at the door was probably calling him as well. On his phone or in his bedroom or office, he could see who it was on the camera. Making it to the bottom of the stairs, he almost detoured to the office to check, but if it wasn’t Pearl, he didn’t want to know. He wanted to live with the anticipation that she might return for a few more seconds.
Swinging the door wide, he felt swift disappointment, but it was followed closely by joy he only felt when he saw three of the nine people he loved most in the world, besides Pearl.
“Jex!” Lottie launched herself at him.
Jex could barely stay on his feet. He bent low and cradled her close. His sister. The delight of his life. She smelled like flowers and sunshine. “Lottie,” he choked out, which was so unlike him. He’d cried the day Pearl left. Never before. Never again.
She pulled back and wrinkled her nose and forehead. “You stink, bro.”
Jex chuckled. “Sorry. Just got done working out.” He straightened and offered his hand to his new sister-in-law, Ally. “I’d give you a hug, but apparently I stink.”
Ally ignored his hand and squeezed him around the waist. “You think I’m not used to stinky men being married to him?” She pulled back and grinned at Preston.
“Hey!” Preston protested. “I smell like manly musk when I work out.”
Steele Family Romance Collection Page 44