Purpose. That sounded wonderful. Jex knew he had his family and the Lord’s love. He wanted to find his purpose and move on from being a cripple. Most of all, he wanted Pearl back, but that wasn’t happening.
“Thank you,” he murmured to his brother.
Preston nodded, then gestured to his wife. “This is your show.”
She elbowed him softly in the side, then kissed him before turning to Jex. “Back to why I understand.” She took a deep breath. “You feel like less because your leg isn’t working anymore. You’ve pushed Pearl away because you don’t feel worthy of her. In your mind, you don’t feel like you have anything to offer her, or anyone else. Without your stunts and your tricks, you’re nothing.”
Jex stared at her and then tugged at his T-shirt collar. It was hot in here. Preston drummed his free hand against his leg.
“Well, just give it to me straight,” Jex tried to joke.
“I understand, Jex. I mean, I’ve never lost the use of my leg, but I’ve always felt like less because I’m … big.”
Jex blinked at her and was jolted away from all the truths she’d just stated about him, all the things he thought he’d been able to hide from the world. Ally thought she was big? She wasn’t willowy thin like Pearl or super fit like Gunner’s Lily or Slade’s Mae, but she was petite and had a curvy shape, and next to Preston, she looked teeny. “You think you’re big?” he asked, his voice full of disbelief.
“You think your future is shot?” she said, arching an eyebrow.
“Come on.” Jex rolled his eyes. “That’s not the same at all. You can look in the mirror and see that you’re … pleasantly shaped.” His neck got hot; he didn’t know how to compliment and yet not compliment his brother’s wife. “I can look at my future and know I have nothing to offer anyone.” He clamped his jaw shut. He hadn’t admitted anything that honest to anyone, especially not his psychiatrist who he met with every week.
Ally’s dark eyes glinted, and she leaned forward. “Because of some vicious teen boys and my parents not wanting to compliment their daughters on physical attributes, I believed my whole life that I was chubby and not appealing to anyone. Only Preston helped me to feel attractive and get over my misguided feelings. You’ve only believed you have no future for four months. I’m sure with some redirection, prayer, and possibly reconnecting with Pearl, you can see that hundreds of opportunities are open to you.”
“You had to bring up Pearl.”
“What’s making you more depressed: your leg, or losing Pearl?”
Jex’s jaw worked and he knew he shouldn’t admit it, but he couldn’t hide from Ally’s determination. He glanced at Preston, who was studying him intently, and finally grunted out, “Pearl.”
“And you really think you have nothing to offer her?”
“Did I say that?” he growled.
“You said you have nothing to offer anyone. Do you believe that?” She pinned him with a look that was full of fire and challenge.
“Yes.” He clenched his fist and glanced down.
“Did she leave on her own, or did you ask her to go?”
Jex jammed a hand through his hair. “I’ve met car salesmen who weren’t this pushy,” he said to Preston.
“How do you think she got me?” Preston winked and grinned.
Ally rolled her eyes. “He pursued me so hard I finally gave in.”
“Yes, I did, love.”
They shared a kiss, and Jex glanced away to give them privacy. He was thrilled that his brothers were all so happy, but it didn’t make being alone very easy.
“Back to the question,” Ally said. “Did she leave on her own?”
Jex shook his head and clutched his hands together. “I told her to go. Twice.” He was embarrassed to admit it, but it felt very freeing. He had always thought of himself as an honest person, but over the past four months he’d gotten pretty fabulous at lying to everyone, including himself.
“Jex,” Preston breathed. “You love her. Why would you do that?”
“I am not worthy of her!” Jex roared, surprising even himself with his vehemence. His anger at himself and his situation was always simmering below the surface, but this was the first time he’d let it flare at someone else. He took a long breath and then said, “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Ally said. “This is exactly what you need. Talk it out. Let it out. You’ve been bottling and holding all of this in for four months.”
“I should pay you and fire my psychiatrist,” Jex muttered.
“You couldn’t afford me.” She smiled.
Jex chuckled. It did feel good to admit the truth to somebody, to get upset, and to laugh.
“So let’s fix it,” Ally said brightly.
The good feelings fled. Jex gestured to his bum leg. “I can’t fix it, Ally.”
“Not that.” She waved a hand. “Everybody has scars and broken and beat-up parts, Jex. It’s called life.”
“I could have a career-ending injury tomorrow,” Preston interjected. “Or get replaced by someone younger and faster.”
Jex acknowledged their comments with a shrug.
“No,” Preston said. “You’re not listening. You lost your career. That sucks. It’s hard for you to walk, and you have to adjust. That sucks. Those things weren’t your choice, but other people have things like that happen and they deal with them. You’re Jex Steele. You’re stronger, braver, funnier, and more versatile than any man I’ve ever met.”
“I’m not braver than Gunner,” he shot back.
“Let me compliment you for once.” Preston arched a challenging eyebrow. Jex gestured for him to keep talking, though he was uncomfortable. “You’ve got this, bro. I’ve looked up to you and admired you my entire life, and I know you’re so much stronger than you’re acting. You can rise above this and do great things, but you have to make the choice to do it. Open your mind, find a different solution, and stop being a selfish dum-dum sucker.”
“And then I get Pearl back?” Jex said in a sarcastic tone.
“I don’t know if you’ll get Pearl back,” Preston said seriously. “But I do know that you’re wasting away here, and it’s sickening. I don’t know what your path should be, Jex, but stinking do something. If not for you, do it for Mom and Dad, for Lottie, for all of us who love you and just want you to be happy. Your fans. The little kids who look up to you. Pearl. Our Heavenly Father, who has a plan for you to do good with this. So many people want you to be happy, to find your path, to stop wallowing. You truly are being more selfish than I ever thought you capable of being.”
Jex stared at Preston, the brother he’d played with and teased with his whole life. Selfish? Jex was being selfish. Four months had passed, and he could honestly say that he hadn’t stopped to consider how hiding away in this mansion was affecting those who loved him, those who looked up to him. Pearl. He’d been so focused on his misery, on not being a burden to anyone, but he could see from the anguish and concern on Preston’s face that he was making those he loved miserable too.
“I am being selfish,” he muttered.
Preston simply nodded, never one to make someone feel worse. “Are you ready to stand up and be Jex Steele again?”
“Stand up?” Jex actually laughed.
“Sorry, bad choice of words. Balance on one leg and be Jex Steele again.”
Jex burst out laughing at that.
Ally was staring at the two of them oddly again. “Boys,” she said, shaking her head.
Jex pushed to his feet, and Preston sprang up and crossed the room. He yanked him into a fierce hug, almost knocking him down again.
Preston pulled back and grabbed Jex’s shoulders. “I’m feeling all pumped up. Like we just won the Super Bowl.”
Jex chuckled. “It’s not that great, bro. I haven’t agreed to do anything yet.”
“But can’t you feel it? We’re going places, man. The question is, where? What’s brewing in that mind? Who are you going to help? What are you going to do?
”
Jex remembered what Lottie had said earlier tonight. “You have a plan already, something about teaching children. Give it to me.”
Preston shook his head. “No. I can feel it. My big brother’s back. Your plans were always so much better than mine, except when we burned down Mr. Housley’s shed.” He slapped him on the shoulder and then turned to Ally. “Let’s go to bed, love. Jex has a lot to stew about.”
“Thanks a lot,” Jex said sarcastically.
“For leaving you stewing, or because you know I’m going to hold this beauty close all night?”
“Wow.” Jex’s neck heated up again. “Just go.”
Preston winked, and they turned to leave.
“Thanks,” Jex said to their backs.
“Of course,” Ally said.
They left, and Jex sank back down on the couch. He wouldn’t be getting any sleep tonight, but his mindset was different, from the prayer or Preston’s and Ally’s strong words or maybe just because he was finally ready to look for good things and make a change. Preston was right. Jex could feel things brewing in his mind and opportunities waiting. It was time to start looking to the future. To start planning something. To stop looking inside and start focusing out. Yet could he really swallow his remaining pride and go out in public dragging a bum leg around?
There was a more important question in his mind as well. Would he get Pearl back? He didn’t know. He’d treated her pretty horribly, pushing her away like he had and never calling her. He still didn’t know that he was worthy of her, that she deserved an alternate future from what he’d planned for her before the accident, but at least he wanted to try.
Chapter Fourteen
Jex slept fitfully, different ideas and visions stirring in his mind. His alarm sounded at six a.m., and he pushed snooze. He normally never pushed snooze, waking for his early-morning workout, but he figured he could skip one workout. His brother thought he looked like he was on steroids. He wanted to be fit, but not over the top.
As he lay back on his pillows, a vision of Pearl swam before his eyes. He smiled and let himself drift back to sleep, her beautiful face right there in the forefront of his mind.
Soft hands wrapped around his arm and tugged at him.
“Pearl,” he sighed, quickly opening his gritty eyes to see her.
“Not Pearl, you tater tot.” Lottie shook her head at him and tried to pull him out of bed. “You have to get your Pearl. I’m ready for your plan, and let’s go to Broken Egg!”
“Lottie.” Jex groaned. He glanced at the clock: 8:32. He’d really slept in. He thought about her innocent request. Another Broken Egg Café. He’d forgotten about that place. Lottie loved their banana pancakes. How could he explain that he didn’t go out in public anymore?
Wait. Today was a new day. He was going to take back his life and somehow show his lame leg in public and not be embarrassed. Going out for breakfast might seem like a stutter step to some, but it was a huge leap for him. Hopefully, his left leg didn’t collapse when he leapt.
“The plan,” Lottie insisted. “And Broken Egg. Yummy!”
Jex smiled at her, though uneasiness stirred in his gut. Preston thought his big brother was back, thought he was brave. Jex could do this. For Lottie. For Pearl. For his family. For himself. “You are the determined one. Let me shower, and we’ll go.”
“Then you tell me plan?”
The plan. It had come to him in the night, but he didn’t know where Pearl fit in, and he had no fabulous ideas for winning her back. He could just try to call her or go find her, but even when she’d been here, he’d held her at arm’s length for weeks before finally telling her to go. Now a lot of time had passed. It was like his relationship with the good Lord. Jex was the one who had stopped praying, and he needed to turn back to his Heavenly Father. Praying and worshipping again seemed like easier steps than winning Pearl back. He felt like he needed something earth-shaking, and he wanted to make sure he was healed mentally and as much as he could be physically before he fought for her.
“Yes,” he tried to reassure Lottie.
“Okay.” She rolled her eyes. “Hurry!”
She finally released his arm and left the room. Jex groaned again but forced himself to push up to his feet and drag his right leg, maybe a bit quicker than normal, to his bathroom. He did hurry, as much as he could, through his shower and getting dressed.
As he left his room, he could hear voices floating up from downstairs. He smiled, really happy that they were here. Would Preston, Ally, and Lottie approve of his idea? His smile slid away. Could he really go to a restaurant? What if people recognized him?
He squared his shoulders, ignored the stupid fears like he used to do when performing a stunt few in the world would attempt, and thumped down the stairs. He might be deluding himself, but his leg felt stronger. He felt stronger. He still didn’t know if he could admit that his leg would never be healed, that he’d have to move on as a partial person. No that was wrong. His family thought he had value, and with Lottie’s insistence he did have a plan now. His leg might never heal completely. That was a reality he had to accept, but this morning there were a whole lot of other realities that he was actually excited about, and he felt brave and powerful like he used to. His life before the injury had been exciting every day, but it’d been so long since he’d felt excitement that now it felt almost foreign to him.
Preston, Ally, and Lottie were waiting for him, their faces filled with expectation. Jex paused on a stair, clinging to the railing and balancing as well as he could on both legs. He wanted to look at their faces for a few seconds. They didn’t look worried about if he was going to fall. Preston didn’t look like he wanted to swoop him up and treat him like a child. None of them looked disgusted by him. He realized this was his family and of course they wouldn’t be disgusted by him, but it meant a lot that they looked excited to see him rather than concerned.
He smiled and finished easing down the stairs. Lottie plowed into him, hugging him fiercely. He braced himself firmly on both legs and hugged her back. She pulled back and smiled. “Broken Egg?”
Jex felt that quiver of anticipation in his abdomen. He pushed it away. “Sure.” He smiled at Preston and Ally.
Preston got the door, and they walked slowly to his rented Escalade. Lottie chattered about how Mae and Slade had been working with her to help homeless people in San Francisco, which was across the bay from Mae’s hometown of Sausalito. Jex listened, but his plan was stirring in his mind. His whole family did so much to help others. He’d always donated a lot of money to Lottie’s charity and other charities and been friendly to children and those with disabilities. Now he felt like he was a child with more disabilities than his leg. But he was going to do something about it.
They parked outside the busy restaurant, Lottie wrapped her arm around Jex’s waist, and they started toward the restaurant. Preston held the front door. Ally waited for him, so Jex and Lottie walked in first, Lottie talking a mile a minute and Jex bending down closer to hear her, as the restaurant’s waiting area was crowded and loud.
Lottie was a great distraction from entering a public place where his injury could be exposed to the world. What if someone recognized him and posted a picture, or worse, a video? Panic rose in his chest. He tried to ignore it and focus on what Lottie was saying as they eased into the dark interior.
Jex stepped on something slick with his left leg, and with Lottie not really able to support him and his bum right leg, he took them both down toward the wooden floor. He heard a string of curse words and realized he must’ve taken somebody else out too. All his fears surfaced, and he felt like he was choking.
“Lottie!” He caught himself with both hands before he crushed her.
“I’m okay, bro.” She grinned up at him as if it was all a fun game.
Jex shifted quickly to his knees and lifted Lottie to her feet. Preston was right there, offering him a hand up. Jex smiled his thanks, his neck burning with humiliation. How did he
think he could travel again and start charities when he couldn’t even walk into a restaurant?
“What are you doing, you stupid handicapped retard!”
Jex’s stomach churned as he recognized the voice of the curser, the other person he’d taken down. He pivoted to face the girl as she climbed to her feet. It was a blond girl, probably about Lottie’s age. She wasn’t looking at Jex. She was focused on Lottie.
Lottie gave her a disdainful look and said, “That’s a bad word. Please say sorry.”
“Sorry?” the girl growled.
Preston and Ally started forward, but Jex held up a hand. So many feelings rushed through him—defensiveness for Lottie, fury at the girl’s insensitivity, and amazement at Lottie. Lottie didn’t even seem fazed by the girl’s horrific use of that word. A word that Jex had silently called himself many times over the past four months. He thought it had fit him with his bum leg. He would never think it fit his sweet sister. How impressive was Lottie? She truly did have a handicap, had lived with it her entire life, but she didn’t falter or cower when somebody called her a horrible name. She asked them to apologize. If Lottie could live with Down syndrome and rise above it with her charity and all she did to bring happiness to those who knew and loved her, dang well Jex could try to do the same.
“Excuse me,” Jex said to the girl. “I’m the one who knocked you down.”
The girl haughtily turned to him, planting a hand on her hip. Her entire demeanor changed when she saw him. “Oh, my, goodness! You’re Jex Steele! You’re so hot, and I used to watch you every day on Insta. Oh my! Oh my! Will you take a selfie with me?”
Jex’s stomach churned with anger, but he kept his voice stable. “The girl you just made fun of is my little sister. She is not a handicapped …” He couldn’t even say the other name she’d called Lottie. “She brings light and joy to everyone she meets. Please apologize to her and never make fun of someone who is different than you again.”
Steele Family Romance Collection Page 46