Forbidden Pleasures (NSC Industries #11)

by D H Sidebottom

  “Well, I’m gay,” he divulged. “I’m supposed to be intense and theatrical.”

  “Theatrical!” I scoffed as I took my drink from Hamish and chuckled. “That’s cutting it fine.”

  “Darling,” he smirked, “Hamish loves my flamboyancy.”

  Hamish grinned and I rolled my eyes when the pair hooked lips and showed everyone in the room they were still enjoying the honeymoon period. “Get a bloody room,” I mocked.

  “You’re just jealous cos’ you’ve had none for years,” Leo countered. He froze when he caught the way I tensed and my eyes glinted.

  “Oh my god,” he squealed, “My girl got her vagina serviced!”

  “Will you shut up!” I seethed as I slapped my hand over his mouth.

  “You did, you so did,” he mumbled around my palm, his happy eyes dancing with delight.

  “I… fine, I did. Now let’s forget it.”

  “No bloody way,” he grinned, “I want to know the juicy details. Who was he? Was he good? Was his cock big? Did he give you everything you needed?” I glared at him and spun around but he followed me. “Come on Bea, gimme a name. Oh, was it him from the cinema? I saw the way he looked at you and Mia told me he was whispering in your ear during the rude parts and then the both of you took off. It was him wasn’t it, Mr Sex fucked you like a good one! I knew he…”

  “LEO!” I cried, making him jump back. His shocked expression turned to sympathy when he saw the big fat tears rolling down my face. “Oh honey,” he fretted as he shovelled me into one of his famous hugs. “It’s okay, don’t cry.”

  Ushering me over to a table in a dark corner, Hamish left us as Leo took my hand and squeezed. “You want to tell me about it?”

  “No! Why does everyone think I need to talk? I don’t need to talk, I need to bloody forget. I need to forget it all!”

  He shook his head sadly, his eyes full of a misery that reflected my own. “Bea, I love you, you know I do, but honey, you have to let go of the past. It’s torturing you. It’s over, Graham is gone and now it’s time to move on.”

  I choked out a sob but nodded. “I know, but I can’t fight the anger inside me, Leo. It hurts so hard that it takes my breath. I can’t push it away no matter how hard I try.”

  “You’re angry, Bea, I understand that. The one person you trusted took you to a place that no one ever wants to be, but I think you need to make that place be something else, something new that only you can manipulate into a different emotion.”

  I blinked at him when he wiped my tears. “I know,” I nodded. “But I don’t know how.”

  He smiled softly, “Just find a way to deal with the anger and let it take you with it. Don’t try and change its course, honey, just allow it to lead you.”

  We both looked up when Alex looked down at me with a look of concern, “What’s up?”

  Leo shot me a cautious look but I smiled at Alex, “I’ve just had a row with Mia. I’m okay.”

  He peered at me then touched the lace that covered my neck. “I like this, it suits you.” When I just gave him a stiff smile and swallowed nervously, he interpreted it the wrong way and pouted sadly. “You want me to talk to her?”

  I tried to hide my smile with his hopeful expression. “Oh would you?”

  “Of course.” He couldn’t hold back his grin. “I’ll get her a drink, soften her up a bit.”

  “Just flash your baby blues at her,” I mumbled under my breath. Leo snorted in understanding but Alex frowned.

  “What?”

  “I said, good idea,” I lied.

  He wandered off quickly and Leo squeezed my hand again, “You okay now?”

  “Yeah,” I nodded and smiled. “Listen, can you tell Emma I had a headache.”

  He smiled and winked. “Yeah, go on, go home, take a relaxing hot bath and drink lots of wine, then tomorrow get out of bed on a new day.”

  “I love you,” I whispered as I kissed him lightly on the cheek.

  “I love you more honey,” he replied before Hamish dragged him onto the dancefloor.

  As was my luck, all the usual waiting taxis were nowhere to be seen when I exited the club, the early hour seeing them on their break at different pizza places and burger huts. It was a warm night and my mind desperately needed the diversion, so slipping off my heels, I decided to take a slow walk home.

  I refused to allow my mind to relay the last few days, it did me no good. My heart hurt when I recalled the look of sheer rawness on Jay’s face when whatever was inside him clawed its way to the surface and revealed its true self. I knew he hadn’t meant to hurt me, and I knew I should have heeded his warning but something inside me told me that wasn’t the real him, the true Jay Carter was a timid boy, hurting from the shadows of his past, whatever they were. The devastation on his face when he witnessed what the demon inside him had done would haunt me forever. Yet, I knew I could never be who he needed and that hurt me as much as what his monster had.

  I looked up at the stars twinkling brightly in the sky and smiled at the moon as the memory of it shining through the window in Jay’s house caused me to shudder. My arousal confused me. Although I hadn’t coped well with what Jay had done, I couldn’t deny the flint that had kindled inside me alongside the pain and the disgust, the spark igniting some dormant embers inside my belly.

  Shaking my head, I pushed the thoughts aside and walked faster, the call of a hot bath making me speed up.

  I only got around the corner when someone jumped me from behind.

  Chapter 14

  Jay

  I was exhausted, bruised and still angry as I pulled the bike onto my driveway. I froze when Jack, Bea’s brother, stood up from where he had been sat on the steps. Pulling off my helmet I looked at him as I tried to get a feel for his mood. I wouldn’t fight back, I didn’t have the energy or the justification to defend what I had done.

  I pulled back my shoulders and prepped ready for his beating but when I caught his red rimmed eyes my heart surged up my throat. “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s Bea.”

  Hot blood rushed around my body in a panic that forced my lungs to constrict, trapping what little oxygen they held inside and making me lightheaded. My mouth wouldn’t move and ask him what was wrong but I knew she was hurt from the anger and anguish behind his eyes. For a minute my gut told me it was my fault, that I had gone past what I had remembered and blanked out the moment I had punished her too far.

  “She’s…” He swallowed and my gaze dropped to the way his hands clenched, his fingers white with the tightness of his fist.

  “She’s what!” I shouted as terror seized my sanity.

  “She’s been attacked.”

  The ground seemed to disappear from under me, my instincts correct. The thought of hurting her sickened me and I turned quickly and vomited into the hedge. “What the fuck have I done?” I panted as the world blurred before me and every single cell in my body splintered in agony.

  “Eh?” Jack spluttered in confusion. “She was jumped last night on her way home.”

  For the longest moment my heart stopped. My mind was in a turmoil, grateful of the fact that it hadn’t been me but terrified of what had actually happened.

  “Jumped?” The word came out choked and full of hate as my heart pounded in a rhythm that my body struggled to cope with.

  I braced myself when he lowered his eyes, a lonely tear drifting down his face. He nodded, “Yeah, she was mugged and...”

  I swallowed and closed my eyes for a second before I reopened them and pressed him with a question I didn’t want to know the answer to. “And?”

  Jack cleared his throat but nodded, looking away when he couldn’t voice the rest.

  Everything swayed as a rage slowly curled its way through my veins. My soul cried out in agony as my spirit heaved with a fury that became uncontrollable. My body became a puppet for the wrath inside when a fierce growl roared from me and my teeth cracked with the clench of my jaw. My vision blurred as a haze descend
ed and everything went black.

  Chapter 15

  Bea

  “What the hell are you doing?” Ollie grumbled, wrestling with me when I tried to shove the clothes he’d brought me back into the suitcase.

  “I’m going home.”

  “No you’re not, Bea. Stop denying this and accept it.”

  I glared at him, the anger inside me threatening to choke me. “I am not denying it! I’m facing it like I should! I will not allow another bastard to control my emotions.”

  “Bea, please,” Mia tried then, her tears running down the surface of her devastated face. “Just let the counsellor come and talk to you, she might be able to help.”

  “Fuck the counsellor. I do not need some shrink fishing about inside my head. They are my thoughts, my own personal hell and I need them to give me the courage to face this… this shit!”

  I winced when I bent to pull on my shoes, the soreness bringing tears to my eyes. Hiding my face, I struggled on, gritting my teeth when my body cried alongside my heart. I refused to allow the ache to grow; grief was no good, regret would only devour my courage and I needed it to climb into the hell of my mind. I just wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone but no bastard would let me and I was becoming as full of rage as I had been many years ago. I couldn’t allow myself to slip into the despair that had consumed me then, it would destroy me, so I faced it the only way I could, by refusing the fact that for the second time in my life I had been raped. I could only pray whoever had done this would be slaughtered by his own guilt.

  “Then at least come home with me,” Mia urged, her eyes pleading with me.

  “No, I want to go home. On my own.” I turned to Ollie as he stared sadly at me. “Will you run me or shall I call a cab?”

  He shook his head and grudgingly yielded. “I’ll take you.”

  He picked up my case as the door to my room flew open and Jay Carter stood in the space, his large body completely guzzling all the air around him. He appeared to shimmer with a rage that everyone moved back from, me included. His fierce eyes found mine and I stared at the utter misery gazing at me. He radiated a rawness that I had once found threatening but now I welcomed it. I needed it to feed my own hatred and thunder. I needed it to consume me and drag me out of my own abyss and into the depths of this man’s hell.

  He spotted the suitcase in Ollie’s hand and without saying a word, he took the case and my hand then led me from the hospital.

  ***

  His still enraged eyes locked onto mine as the steam from the hot water in the bath swirled around us both. He gulped. As yet he hadn’t said one word and I was both grateful and saddened. His face tightened and I watched as he physically moistened his mouth with saliva so he could finally talk. “Do the police have evidence of your… injuries?”

  I nodded, lowering my eyes. Gently he placed a finger under my chin and lifted my face. His eyes were full of a sadness that was becoming suffocating and I swallowed back the ache inside me for his pain. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes.”

  He nodded then ever so slowly he started to unbutton my shirt. He locked my gaze, his expression full of encouragement and heartache. “I won’t hurt you, Beatrice, I promise.”

  I nodded. I believed him. “I know.” It was strange, even after what had happened between us I needed him right then. I needed his strength and his anger. I needed his inner turmoil and I needed his desolation because the one thing he didn’t give me was pity and that in itself gave me the resolution to keep breathing.

  His fingers softly brushed the material off my shoulders and he watched as it slid to the floor. He visibly tensed when his eyes found the bruises on my body, my ribs covered in bandages from where I had been kicked. His body violently trembled but he held on, his hands sliding behind me to unbutton the waistband of my trousers. He pushed them gently off my hips then crouched before me to take off my knickers and help me to step out of them both. A choked gasp strangled him when he caught the dangling string between my legs where the nurse had inserted the medicinal tampon that soaked up the blood.

  His forehead rested on my stomach and for minutes we both remained like that, his head on my sore tummy and my arms by my side as I stared straight ahead and allowed him to regain his composure.

  He blew out a breath then gently he unwound the bandage. A growl resonated from him but he remained in control as he took my hand and helped me step into the bath. I stood still when he stripped naked and climbed in behind me. Placing his hands tenderly on my hips, he guided me softly into the water and positioned me between his legs and lightly managed me until my back rested on his firm chest.

  He was silent as he sponged me down. Taking the bar of soap in between his palms he worked up a lather then proceeded to tenderly wash away the scent of sin. His breathing stuttered and he pulled in another breath as he religiously cleansed me.

  My gaze was secured on the bubbles bobbing about on the water, the tiny pops mesmerising as the time passed and the foam disappeared, the water cooling rapidly as I remained in the security of Jay’s careful bathing.

  Finally he softly moved me so he could climb out and grabbing a huge fluffy towel, he lifted me out and into the comfort of both him and the bath sheet. I snuggled against him as he carried me out of his bathroom and lowered me onto his bed, where he climbed in behind me, delicately wrapped me in his arms and then tenderly kissed the back of my head. I was asleep within seconds, Jay’s care and comfort all the relaxation I had needed to soothe my soul as his own soul embraced mine and lulled it until the pain shifted and the solace masked the torture.

  Chapter 16

  Jay

  I knew she was awake, I felt her flinch when she left the realms of her nightmare. She pressed back against me and lay her arms over mine as if to remind herself that she was in the security of my arms.

  “Are you okay?”

  She stilled then nodded. “Yes.”

  We both returned to our own personal hell for a moment before I sighed and braved the question I hoped would help her open up. “How long were you married?”

  “Two years,” she replied immediately, surprising me.

  Her blunt answer encouraged me further. “And how many of those years did he hit you?”

  She didn’t respond that time, her voiceless pain heavy and daunting as she lay unmoving with her back to me and stared ahead into the darkness of the room. I lay back and stared at the ceiling, taking a soundless breath and using it to give me courage. “I can still hear my mother’s screams in my dreams. I still feel her pain and I still listen to the echo of her weeping. Every one of her bruises is engrained both in my head and in my heart.” I winced at the sound of my own voice, my pathetic agony painful to hear.

  Her breathing paused in the soundless room before she shuffled round and finally faced me. “How old were you when your dad started to beat her?”

  “He wasn’t my father, Nate didn’t come back into our lives until I was eighteen. James Adams married my mum when I was three. He first hit her when I was four. When I was eight, he took her, raped her and beat her so much she was in a coma for a long time.” She gasped but I clicked my tongue and pushed myself, voicing the pain that nobody had ever heard. “Luckily, I don’t remember much and that’s something I don’t quite understand. I have stupid memories, silly ones from when I was really little, but that time in my life is gone, my mind buried it long ago.”

  “I can understand that. I think that’s one memory that is beyond the realms of what you could cope with as a child, so your own mind provided the security it knew you needed,” she said softly as she reached out and her finger trailed down the centre of my bare chest, a diversion for her mind to focus on. “And now?”

  “Now?”

  “Where is he?”

  “Dead.”

  She hesitated but then nodded softly. “Good.” I thought she would open up to me about her own marriage but instead she changed track completely, startling me with the unforeseen qu
estion she asked. “Do you have a regular?”

  “I’m sorry, a regular? I’m not with you.”

  She placed her palm on the flat of my stomach. “A woman who you go to when you need to… be who you are.”

  I closed my eyes and cringed. Unable to answer her, I moved away and swung my legs out of bed, planting my feet firmly on the floor.

  I could physically feel her hurt and she gulped loudly. “What’s her name?”

  “Beatrice, don’t do this,” I whispered as my gut twisted with guilt.

  She also moved and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I… it’s none of my business.”

  I sighed, hating the awkward silence that had descended around us. “I’m sorry.”

  “No,” she countered quickly. “I don’t even know why I asked. I understand why you would need… her.”

  I scurried round the bed, my emotions going wild with the pain of her hurt. “Please don’t be jealous, Bea. Belinda means…”

  “Belinda?” she whispered quietly, “Is she pretty?”

  “Stop.” I ordered as I grabbed her hands and brought them to my mouth, my lips softly kissing each of her delicate knuckles. “You are two completely different women in my life.”

  “Does she take the pain that I can’t?” Her voice was higher, her obvious need to hurt herself evident.

  “I’m not going to have this conversation Beatrice,” I stated firmly as I yanked on some jeans.

  “Is that where you’ve been for the last three days?” She asked angrily. “At hers?” She stood up and walked towards me, her rage now as intense as my shame. I heard the choked sound of her need to let go and I braced myself ready as she took another step and her rage spat in my face. “Is it? Have you been beating her? Was she good? Is she good? Does she give you what I am unable to?”

  Her despair was now tipping over and I stared her out as she finally let it free and all the hurt and pain from the last twenty four hours unleashed in a torrent of anger so intense I struggled to breathe as she started to slap my chest. But I stood firm and still and willed her on.