by Venice Kelly
I’m about to respond when the waitress comes back over and slides another pitcher of beer on the table. She passes me a napkin with her number on it and I stare at it. Perhaps the entire problem is that I need a new bedmate that I can’t focus around Jess because we’ve been at it for so long. For a small moment I think about the waitress watching her walk away before I crumple the napkin and toss it over to Shane and Austin. Fuck I can’t even think about sex anymore.
“If it makes you feel any better, I hear he’s not staying.” Austin says looking at me noticing my mood shift.
I don’t know why but that statement makes my lips upturn in a slight smile even though it shouldn’t.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Vanessa
A WEEK LATER I am at the farmhouse watching Brian pack his suitcase for his flight that leaves tomorrow. Over the last week out relationship has dissolved into pleasantries and polite smiles and as I watch him back his bag I’m not sure I’m ready for this. I should be my therapist says in many ways I latched onto Brian when we began dating, he became my safety net. My place that I ran to in order to escape being here in West Lake and dealing with my family. I also know that I owe him the honestly of kissing Jake that night at the lake, though nothing else happened he deserves to know the reasons why.
Brian has been nothing but supportive since showing up helping my mom with the partial life insurance payment we got. Helping call the creditors and the bank, swaying things with his last name and a few calls. He is a good man and he deserves better than what I can offer him. I watch him go into the bathroom to make sure he has all his toiletries and finally walk into the room. He casts an awkward glance at me before tossing them into his suitcase. I look down at my feet for a moment, going to open my mouth to say something before he does it first.
“We should talk.” He says looking at me softly.
I can tell the hurt in his voice is something I have inflicted. I simply nod my head in reply if he has something to say I at least owe him the courtesy of saying it to me. I nod my head at him.
“I can’t expect you to come back to LA and you can’t expect me to uproot my life and move here either. I love you Vanessa you know that but I’m not sure if it’s enough right now. You have obligations here I have them back in LA. I thought if I came here. Was here for you through this that you would see that you can have both your family here and our life in LA. That we could move past,” He starts pausing for a moment as he takes a breath and I know what is coming next before he even says it. “But we can’t. I can’t do that. I won’t be the guy you come back to because you are too scared of burying whatever happened here. I can’t be your escape route anymore.”
“I know.” I say softly watching the hurt pass over his eyes.
He’s letting me go. I should be able to say something to that to take the pain away. Tell him that someone else will be able to make him happy in the ways I can’t. I should be the type of person to admit my faults and fix them with him but I stand there numb unable to do anything else.
“I know something happened with you and Jake at the lake,” He says, tossing another shirt into his suitcase. A clear anger in his voice and the guilt kicks in. Turning to face me he continues. “You should have told me instead you just push me away. You push anyone away that tries to care about you or try to break down the wall you built because of what happened.”
“That’s not true.” I protest looking at him, it’s a lie. A lie I always tell myself.
“Just stop will you!” He finally yells looking at me frustrated and heartbroken and knowing I’m the cause of that only makes my heart heavier.
“Brian.” I start only to be cut off by his swift words once again.
“If nothing happened you would have been sleeping in here with me. You would be connecting to me not holding onto the past. Ever since I came here you’re walking on eggshells and I know it’s because of him. I can’t be the guy that is runner up, I won’t be that guy.” He says quietly a tightness in his voice as he stops to collect himself for a moment.
I hear the floor boards creak in the hallway and watch as Natalie casts us a glance before going to her room. I take a step towards him feeling like a bitch for how everything has went down. My eyes begin to fill with tears as he takes a step back as if my mere presence burns him.
“You’d come back to LA to the life we wanted together. You’d run towards a future instead of running back to the past.” He finishes and his eyes met mine in a sense of sadness. The eyes that were once filled with hope and love, only hold that now and it is something that I now have to deal with.
“I can’t just leave right now my mom needs me. My sister needs me the farm needs me.” I scramble to say. I never wanted us to end like this on bad terms I would have thought that we would at least end as friends after all we’ve been so much more to each other over the last few years.
“That’s the thing they don’t your mom could handle the finances your sister is a good rider, a good trainer. The farm would be fine without out you. This isn’t about them and you and I both know it. It’s about you.” He says his voice wavering and his words hit me in a way I haven’’t felt in years.
They’re true words. That is why they hurt so much I know my mom could handle things. Hell that Natalie could handle things but I wasn’t here. I’ve always avoided home and now that my dad is gone I feel like I owe it to him and my family to stay and help. If I stay Jake will be a part of that I know it, Brian knows it and that is why this hurts so much. Clearly Jake and I have unresolved issues that was made clear the other day at the lake. Brian doesn’t deserve to be that guy, my safety net that I cling to because I can’t face my past. Walking to the edge of the guest bed I take a seat on the edge and wipe the stray tear away that has started to fall. I wait for what seems like an eternity till Brian takes a seat next to me in silence. His strong arms embrace me and pull me to him while a fresh onslaught of tears takes over me.
“I never meant to hurt you.” I manage to say quietly a few minutes later, feeling his t-shirt wet with my tears.
I half expect him to be angry with me. Instead I feel him take in a sharp breath almost as if I have punctured his lung and it is deflating only to refill with air. Brian pulls away running a hand over his head and simply nods the hurt is still on his face. Hurt I have once again caused someone.
“I know.”
The words leave his lips and I feel guilty for them for leading him on so long attempting to run from my life here to hide away with him in LA. I thought I would end up in LA and with Brian, I never expected my father to die so soon. I expected to have my life more together when he did. I watch as Brian gets up from the bed to walk to the desk in the room where he packs away his laptop. I know I should leave it there that telling him this will only hurt him more but he has to know I kissed Jake. That something did happen to change my mind.
“I kissed Jake,” The words come out in a whisper and I look at the intense look of hurt along with disgust pass over his face. “It was only once at the lake and nothing else happened. Austin came up to tell me you were here.”
“He can have you. I’m tired of competing with a ghost. With a guy that treated you like shit for something that was a stupid mistake.” Brian replies, his tone is not hateful it’s not even angry. Instead it is sad as if he is pitying me, feeling sorry for me.
I watch him finish packing the rest of his things in silence and then it hits me as I walk to the door this will likely be the last time we ever speak. Sure people pretend to be friends when they break up but I know the truth. The damage has already been done that is what I do, I destroy people and lives. I walk out of the room and once I do I am sure I hear a thud against the wall. A single tear is the only thing that I can feel slip out in retaliation knowing I deserved a lot worse.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Jake
STEPPING OUT OF the truck I look up at the Harvell farmhouse I glance over at the contract for the sale before shoving it back
into my briefcase. I know that Garrett wanted to sell before he died but part of me knows if he knew Vanessa was back he would hesitate. He after all had been telling me for years that I still loved her hadn’’t he? In many ways after my mom left and my dad turned back to the bottle I had no other options and despite everything that had happened the Harvell’s were there for me. Sometimes my mind drifts to that irony and other times like now, it’s a calming presence. I look over the pasture at the horses a small smile on my lips before I get out of the truck.
Walking down the dirt path to the barn I nod at Natalie and then turn and make my way to the arena. Vanessa is standing there in long blue jeans and a simple plum t-shirt and I’m pretty sure she’s gotten more beautiful over time. Paige is with her and they’re leaning against the metal bars watching a young girl with Hank inside. Without hesitation I look around for him. Its paranoia almost, I only have been hoping the asshole left and what Austin said is true God help me if he’s still here. I don’t see him and Paige turns around as she heard my footsteps approach them.
“Hey. Jake,” Paige says, her eyes light up as she looks between me and Vanessa and I can only shuffle my feet.
“Paige.”
My tone is even when I speak and I look right past her to Vanessa. Her eyes pierce into mine for a moment before her attention is back on the arena the girl on the horse training.
“I need to get going anyway. Call me,” Paige says, casting a final glance between us before she leaves.
Walking up to the railing I cast a glance at the rider again before my eyes turn to Vanessa. Her lip is turned up a bit somewhere between a frown and a smile and I should know what she is thinking. Years ago we could read each other’s minds. I used to be able to read her face, know what she was feeling and now I don’t. Her hands are steady on the metal bar in front of her and I am pretty sure I see a flush of pink hit her cheeks when she realizes that I’m staring at her. The fact I still have that effect on her years later has my own lips curling into a small smile.
“What do you want Jake?” She says, her eyes finally met mine.
I know this is a desperate attempt to get close to her we have plenty of space for the few horses that we still have at my parents. It’s sneaky, underhanded but it is the only way I know of to have her open back up to me. To catch a glimpse of her every now and then, to press her up against something and brush my lips against hers again. For now it’s a desperate attempt for me to try and fix what I so severely fucked up when my sister died with us.
“I wanted to talk to you and your mom about boarding some of the horses here.” I say looking at her.
“Don’t you have your own property you can keep them on? Your dad built that massive facility when Hannah began.” She begins only this time her voice stops mid-sentence it is the first time since she’s been home that I’ve ever heard her mention my sisters name.
“They did. My dad doesn’t go down there anymore and I just thought that they’d be better here. We could arrange something your students could ride them. Maybe even sell a few.” My voice is tight when I speak much more than I want it to be and my chest constricts.
My sister loved to ride and for many years it was a family function my dad only bought the best Arabians for us to ride. I enjoyed it with Hannah but I was never as into it as she and her friends were. After she passed my dad began selling them off one by one. Years later we’re only down to six horses most of which sit in the stables going out to a pasture every now and again. Vanessa’s eyes look lost and vacant at the conversation that is weighing between us and I want to take that away. She has no reason to feel guilty about the horses or what has happened.
“I don’t know if that is a good idea Jake.” She finally says as her eyes search mine for a moment before turning her attention back to the arena.
I watch the young girl on the horse for a moment before Hank signals that the lesson is over, I watch Vanessa bite her lip. Is having the horses here at the Harvell farm a good idea probably not. If anything it is going to further complicate everything I already feel for Vanessa. Amplify it till it consumes me and drives me over the edge, but it is the only way I know how to start to rebuild what we had. I’m not dumb enough to believe we’re still the same people we were years ago but I’d like to think we’re better. That we’’ve each grown in different ways. That despite all that change inside our lives that our hearts are still in the same place.
“You’d be helping me out, the horses would be happy and I know thing have been tight here. You’re back now we can’t avoid that forever Vanessa.” My voice is low while my eyes travel over her again. I make sure to keep my hands on the railing the last thing I need is them reaching out for her when she is so close.
“I don’t want your money Jake.”
Her words slice through me like a knife even when we were together money didn’t come up that much. Now granted my father had always insisted that the only reason she was after me was the money, I knew better. Vanessa was with me because she loved me, hell she hated it when I spent money on her. Her independence back then was something that I admired and respected about her. Now though I can’t tell if she is hurt by the gesture or not and that kills me all over again. Slices at my heart and makes me ache for all the years lost.
“Then it’s not about the money it’s about you helping out a friend.” I say regretting the words as soon as they leave my mouth.
“So we’re friends then?”
If that will make her take the horses I decide then and there I’ll never cast another glance in her direction and try to not to think about her at night. Even though I know it’s a lie, that we can’t simply remain friends if it makes her take them. I’ll tell her that. I’ll lie to her, lie to myself about everything that is hanging between us. I bite the inside of my cheek for a moment and nod my head at her.
“Friends.”
The words slice right through me and I wait for her to say something back instead she nods her head at me staring absently into the arena. My feet shuffle in the dirt for a bit trying to find something else to say only to stop when she speaks.
“Drop them off in a few days.”
I nod my head at her and watch her as she pulls back from the railing. Her eyes are still in between a sadness but there is something else I see in them. A glimmer of something that I realized I haven’t seen since she came home, hope. She walks away and I find myself staring at her backside a little to longer and then I hear a voice clear next to me.
“Friends?” Natalie asks, her eyebrow raised at the suggestion.
My mouth opens in protest only to be cut off when she continues.
“You Jacob Donovan are a liar.”
She knows it and I know it. Though I don’t protest as I watch the younger Harvell sister walk away. It’s a start to repair what is between me and Vanessa, if that is still possible. If she still feels the same. It’s a start, even if it’s a shitty one.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Vanessa
LOOKING OUT OVER the pasture my mother and I walk the fields in true fashion it has been a few days and Jake was good on his word dropping off six horses. We’ve given them the south pasture for now until they can adjust to the new surroundings it is safest to keep them away from the other horses. I can already tell they will be good prospects for riders my mother agrees. Seeing Jake again the past few days have turned up something inside of me that I know I shouldn’t be feeling again. The butterflies and excitement that comes when he is around, something that I forgot that you could feel for someone else. Not that Brian and I didn’t have chemistry we did, but it was never like this intense and passionate, wanting.
“It’s nice having Jake come around again.” My mother says, her head tilting a bit to look at me and gauge my reaction. I keep my eyes focused on the field. “He came around after you left too. He was so lost and alone. Your father and I always told him he had a place here even after everything.”
I don’t know what to say to the i
nformation so instead I stare into the pasture and nod my head. He left me in the hospital that day, took a look at me lying in a hospital bed and pushed me away. To hear he has been close to my family over the last few years hurts. That he reached out to them instead of me, that he held onto them instead of his own parents hurts. Not that Jake’’s parents have ever really been great people towards him or Hannah. Something Hannah always told me she was jealous of, the fact that I had parents that cared. Hannah’s mother Karen, was far too concerned with her place in society to really care about either of them. Their father Alan, never liked me or approved of me and pushed both of them with unreasonable expectations.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I simply ask my voice is unsteady when I am able to speak thrown off by the news. “Dad never said anything to me when we would talk. I should have known I had a right to know.”
“We thought it was easier on everyone. He was hurting from the accident, you were hurting. We had hoped the distance between you two would ease to a dull ache. Or at least that was what your father held out hope for. Then you moved on with Brian and we thought it best that you not know.” My mother has always had a way with words and this was no different. Words that unsettled me and always spoke to my heart when it mattered.
“I had a right to know.”
I truly don’t know what else to say to her other than that. I spent years away from home running away from what happened that night. I let Jake go because I thought the pain was too much to bear that he could never want to be with me after what happened. I felt like I had lost him in that moment. Only to now find out that he held onto our past through my parents. That they let him into their lives behind my back. I know it is irrational to feel that way but I do. I am their daughter not Jake. Jake left me alone in the hospital. They should have had my back not taken Jake under their wing and guidance.