by Venice Kelly
“His mom left he was stuck with his dad and you know Alan can be on him. He was lost looking for something. I suppose it was a way for your father to make sure he didn’t become the next Alan Donovan before our eyes.” My mother continues she comes to a stop on our walk in the field as she looks out across the land. Her voice is heavy when she finally speaks again. “We didn’t want to worry you. You were doing remarkably well starting over in LA.”
I can’t help but notice the way she says it. Almost as if I had a choice to stay in the god forsaken town after the accident. It was hard enough when I was released from the hospital the stares people would give me. The way people looked at my parents when we went to the grocery store or how business all but stalled. College wasn’t even an option anymore when I was put on probation. I hardly had a choice in the matter to say here or go to another state. I had to rebuild my life from scratch. I try to not let it bother me as we stand there glancing out at the pasture together. It still looks the same as it did when I was younger and we would spend time out here with the horses. I can sense my mother can read my thoughts as she moves away from the fence to turn back towards the house.
“Your father thought of him like the son he never had and when he came around it reminded us of before everything happened. It was never done to hurt you. It was the right thing to do for a young man that lost a lot as well.”
I let the words sink in as my mother turns and walks down the path back towards the house. He lost a lot that night too. I’ve thought about that every day for the last four years how much Jake lost. He lost his sister. He lost me. At that tears brim my eyes. When we were younger I thought I would always have both of them Hannah and Jake. Hannah as my best friend and maybe one day sister. Jake as everything I ever wanted. I don’t have either now and it fills me with such sadness I’m not sure how to fix it.
Almost on cue as I am lost in my own thoughts I fell the warm air on my hands and I glance up to the fence. London is there, her muzzle resting against my hands. Her dark eyes stare back at me almost encouraging me to let it all go. Opening my palm she nudges her muzzle against my open palm. My fingers scratch lightly on her chin and her dark mane flutters in the wind for a moment. I move my other hand upwards to touch her forehead, it’s gentle and soothing at the same time. The moment is brief before she pulls away to canter off into the pasture. I feel a weight lift off me. Obviously if Jake reached out to my parents he still cares. Which just leaves me more confused as I turn and walk back towards the house.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
Jake
WHEN LIFE HITS you it hits you square in the face and right on and that is the choice that I am face to face with this morning. Sitting in my truck parked outside of the Harvell ranch staring at the papers that are in the seat of my truck. This should have been done weeks ago delivering them to Sharon and now I am faced with a deadline before the deal falls off the table. I know this is what Garrett would have wanted, we discussed it at length it was the best thing for his family. He was ready to hand over the land to me and to the fancy development that my father put into place instead of the horses, the training and the Harvell name. I’ve never went against my father on a deal until now. I won’t be tearing down the land and building up expensive houses on it to resale instead I have a better plan.
I want them to make me a partner at the ranch, I want to bring in more business for them and God help me I want to win back the girl that I let get away. I know the odds are stacked but nothing has ever been an easy ride for me and Vanessa. I don’t like easy, I’ve done easy for the last few years I’m ready for the challenge. Its dusk and I see the barn light on and slowly I get out of my truck. Leaving the papers inside for now. I’ve already came up with a good excuse as to why I’m here so late. I want to check on the horses even though I know they are in good hands and have been ridden. They’re well taken care of. It’s a simple excuse but an excuse none the less to see Vanessa again. I also know that Natalie is out for the night and Sharon is at the local knitting group meaning she’s here alone. I am pretty sure when I roped the information out of Shane the words stalker may have been mentioned or at least implied. Not that I care.
Walking into the barn I see her near the tack wall arranging bridles in a perfect order from left to right on the wall. She’s wearing Levi’s and a sweater that rises just a bit her hair flowing down her back, catching the dim light in the barn just right. I take in the sight remembering this moment, engraving it into the back of my mind. She is lost in the task at hand as I approach her from behind.
“Hey.” I say to her from behind.
The reaction that I get catches me off guard as she jumps nearly tripping over an empty feeding bucket behind her. My hands shoot out gripping her waist to steady her in my arms. Her chest is rising and falling, her cheeks flushed. I can only assume from embarrassment. If I let my mind wander to the other option that being this close to me still does that to her I won’t be able to think straight.
“Hey.” Vanessa says finally says looking up at me.
“What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to stop and see how things are going. Check on the horses.” I say it’s a damn lie and I know it.
I’m still dressed in my suit from the office as I kick some of the hay on the floor of the barn. I refuse to say the other words out loud. I came to see you. Saying that makes things too real for the both of us. Instead I decide to forge ahead with some half assed reason to stop here on the way home from work. I realize my hands are still on her waist her hips are pressed against mine and I painfully let her go while she stares at me.
“You could have called. They’re doing fine getting rode we even got a few new students out of it.” Vanessa says, her voice is soft filling me with something I’m not sure I can stand. Hope. I want to say something else to her but before I can she speaks again.
“You came straight from work. Is everything alright?”
I could lie and tell her everything is fine she doesn’t need to know about the pressure at work. How my dad is wanting me to forge ahead with this deal on the Harvell land. How he wants to tear it up and build a housing development on it. How I can’t bring myself to do that to her or her family. How I haven’t slept well in weeks thinking about her and about wanting to go back in time with us. She is still staring at me waiting for me to answer her and eventually instinct with her wins out and I lean over placing my lips onto hers.
I half expect her to shove me away only instead she tilts her head to the right just slightly and it is all the encouragement that I need. My hands are in her hair, my body presses her against the wood of wall. It’s intoxicating kissing her, I relish the moment my fingers trailing down her hairline to cup her jaw while I feel her nails dig into my scalp. My hands travel down the side of her shirt to the hem and my fingers brush against her skin. She bites my lip in response as her hands pull my slacks closer to her jeans. I barely have a moment to breathe before one of the horses kick the stall and break me out of our haze. Vanessa stares at me uncertainty in her eyes and I take a step back from her needing the distance for just a moment. Her hands go to her shoulders to cover herself, as if I’ve punched her and I reach out and stop her.
“I don’t want to hurt you anymore.” I say before I can even stop it from coming out.
It’s probably the most honest thing I’ve told her since she came home. I don’t want to keep hurting her. I’ve done enough to her. She fights back tears as she looks at me before shoving me back and walking towards the door of the barn. Running from me. I stand still for a few seconds before I beat her to the punch blocking her exit.
“Move Jake.” Her voice is defiant and steady as she looks at me.
“No. You’re going to listen to me.” I plead hoping she will see reason.
“I don’t think we have a whole lot to say to each other. It’s late and I have an early day tomorrow.” She says taking a step to the right to escape.
If I was a halfway decent per
son I’d let her go instead I move right in front of her and look her square in the eyes.
“I came to see you. That was why I came I had a shitty day at work and wanted to see you.”
Her eyes are a mixture of fury, longing, self-loathing and hurt as the realization passes over her face. I step to the side to let her go I didn’t plan on kissing her ok maybe I did but I certainly didn’t expect the response she gave me either. She’’s still beautiful when she’s angry and frustrated storming away towards her house. I let her go calming myself before I even attempt to walk out of her barn with a raging hard on. It would have been easy to have taken her she would have let me. I want to but I also know I have to do what is right first. Running my hands through my hair I walk back towards my truck getting inside. Looking in my side mirror I see her staring back at me halfway to her house and a feeling of ease settles over me. She wanted to see me too.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Vanessa
SITTING INSIDE THE flower shop with Paige helping her pick flower arrangements for her mother’s charity dinner in a few weeks I can feel myself staring off into space. My brain is still on Jake and his mysterious arrival at the barn. Paige is still an unfolding enigma to me years later. She works part time as a waitress when she doesn’t have too, lives in a rented townhome in the middle section of town. Yet still will drop everything to help her mother maintain her place in society. She holds up an arrangement to me pointing at the lilies.
“Earth to Vanessa.” Her voice rings out, eyes narrowing at me and I toss up my hands before I point to the purple ribbon on the table. I want to object before she continues. “So the other night. Jake, you the barn details.”
My eyebrows raise to her and my mouth nearly drops open how in the hell does she even know about that?
“Don’t act so surprised Austin told me while I was at the climbing gym the other day.” Paige continues as her eyes narrow at me as if she is daring me to counter that nothing happened.
I refuse to answer the question instead I go to the various flowers in the shop pulling some baby’s breath to go with the lilies along with peonies that I see. It takes my mind off of thinking about Jake and I in the barn. Thinking about his hands on me or his lips. It keeps my mind off the apology that he offered me. If I think about it too long it reminds me of something that I don’t want from him. An apology out of pity or worse some sense of guilt based on what happened that night. Her hands fiddled with the flowers for a moment as they spread them out on the table. Paige’s father was with another customer in the front of the store. She always liked that about Paige they had money but they didn’t flaunt it.
“Oh come on Vanessa there had to be something! I want the dirt or at least the details.” Paige pleaded as she looked at me her fingers tapping on the table.
One thing that hadn’t changed with Paige was her desire to have romance in her life and to always be optimistic about it. Paige and Shane had been together before the accident and I had heard from my parents that afterward they broke up. Something that Paige was reluctant to talk about with me. I didn’t press it with her or I hadn’t. I was still curious about it if anyone could have made it I would have bet on them. Knowing that she wasn’t going to stop until I gave in I cleared my voice attempting to sound calm when I spoke.
“He kissed me.” My voice doesn’t give much away but I can feel my cheeks redden at the memory of his lips on mine. His hands on my waist and I can feel Paige looking at me as my legs uncomfortably cross trying to get the memory out of my head.
“So he just kissed you?” Paige presses leaning over the table a slight teasing in her voice.
I’m frustrated as I stare at her trying to deny that is was anything more than just a kiss, which I know is a lie. Jake and I have always had chemistry in spades, there was never any denying that between us. Now though it seems to have amplified over the years, a burning longing between us that I thought would be extinguished. It hasn’t not in the least and something about the way he spoke the other night is lingering in my head. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I came to see you. It lingers when I know that I’m not even worthy to hear those things from him I was the idiot that night and I have to live with that. I have lived with that.
“Does it really matter anymore?” I ask looking at my friend in the eyes.
Paige is quiet for a moment as she considers her next words and I let the silence sit between us as I stare at the flowers on the table. Her next words catch me off guard and once again tilt my world on its axis.
“Of course it does. If you and Jake still have feelings for each other shouldn’t you work on that figure out what is going on between you both again? Hannah would want that again for you two to be happy. She loved her brother and Jesus she loved Vanessa she wouldn’t want you both to be miserable.” Paige says looking at me daring me to say something different to her.
“That is not the point it is too late, too much has happened. We moved on he started to see Jessica and I-“ I start only for Paige to hold up her hand and stop me mid-sentence.
“And you went away you left us all here to pick up the pieces. Shit happens Vanessa you started over in LA and look where that got you. The poor guy you were with even knew it that you haven’t ever really faced Jake or what happened that night.” She says her tone is quiet filled with concern and friendship.
The words hit me like a ton of bricks I was the one that left when I felt like I had no other choice in the matter. I didn’t want to hurt Jake or his family, I didn’t want to deal with the shame of that night. Jessica is still a sore spot with me years later Jake and I had been together for years and she moved in on him right after Hannah died. I was helpless at the time watching my life fall apart while he sought comfort in the arms of the one woman I couldn’t stand. So I left my family, my friends and started over. It was easy to start over in a city where no one knew my name. Where no one could turn on the news or google my name. I stayed in LA got a damn good shrink and attempted to move on, only it doesn’t feel like I have as Paige’s words clearly point out.
My throat is tight at the mention of Hannah my best friend the girl that I used to braid her hair. I refuse to cry at the thought. It is something my shrink likes to point out to me survivors guilt is a bitch. It eats you alive where you barely sleep and I remember my counseling in that moment. It was an accident a stupid one but an accident. I steady my breathing and look at Paige who has her own tears in her eyes and I open my mouth to say something only she speaks first.
“I’m not saying that what happened wasn’t terrible it was. It changed all of us but watching you and Jake beat yourselves up hurts. It sucks Hannah wanted you to be happy, she wanted Jake to be happy.” Paige says quietly.
I know I should say something back to her about Hannah and about Jake but my mind wanders to her. So much has changed with her over the last few years. “She wanted you to be happy too. What happened with you and Shane?”
We stand there in silence for a few moments both unwilling to talk about the events that drew us all apart in the first place. I don’t even know how long we have been standing there when the bell to the shop rings. Jessica Robbins walks into the flower shop and I’m forced to look at her for the first time in years. Paige watches her father at the counter as Jessica moves some of her blonde hair behind her ear.
“I’m here to pick up the flowers for Mr. Donovan.”
I am not sure if she is being obtuse or not to just ignore me and Paige or if she is being intentionally rude. I don’t even get an answer before she turns around and looks at me.
“I heard you were back in town. Jake told me all about it.” She sneers at me and that same smug look is on her face.
The same look she gave me before I left town when she informed me that Jake and her had hooked up after the funeral. Her perfectly manicured nails tap on the glass counter, as if she is daring me to say something to her to challenge her. Paige is by my side shooting her daggers and before I can even speak or
have a retort Paige has my back.
“I heard Jake doesn’t want your ass anymore. Then again we all know the only reason he was fucking you to begin with was because Hannah died.” Paige retorts.
I watch the horror pass on Jessica’s face at the suggestion Paige’s father comes out of the back with the order of roses and my throat tightens. I hate the fact that she is picking up flowers from Jake. Or the fact Jake even bought her flowers.
“Tell Alan I will add it to his tab,” Paige’s father says handing her the flowers.
I watch Jessica’s face scrunch into defeat fall as if he wasn’t supposed to say that out loud in my presence. She doesn’t offer another word as she turns on her overpriced heels with the flowers and leaves the shop. I let out a breath I don’t even realize I have been holding and Paige touches my shoulder.
“Some kiss wasn’t it.” She says softly before turning back to the flowers spread out on the table.
I can’t help the small smile that forms on my face. It was way more than a kiss and we both know it.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Jake
SITTING INSIDE AUSTIN’S climbing gym after the disaster that happened the other night I watch Austin and Kyle help the young college girls up the wall. My head has not been in the game lately at work and hoped a visit to the gym would squander that help it get back on track. So far three hours later it hasn’t, things are bad enough at work that my father has given me a deadline two weeks or he will visit Sharon himself. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that timeline? I know why he wants it settled he wants the land and to start ripping up the pasture, tearing down the barn erasing the Harvell legacy from existence. He doesn’t even know that Garrett and I changed the agreement on the sale and every day it inches closer and he wants me to hand it over my stomach sinks.