by Venice Kelly
“It is good?” I tease finally taking a bite of my own.
“God it’s good. You’re forgiven for sneaking behind my back on this one.”
“Glad to know. I want to talk about that night.” I say quietly I watch her reaction with caution. Her back stiffens, her fork nearly shakes and I wonder if this is a bad idea too much too soon. When she doesn’t jump up and bolt from the table I take a breath. “We really need to talk about it.”
“I know.” She whispers back finally saying something to me. The silence sits between us like a thick knife and then I exhale knowing I should start.
“You need to know nothing happened with Jessica and I that night. She kissed me, I kissed her back that night nothing else happened. I swear to God until the funeral I never ever was with someone other than you. While I was at school while you were. I let you think otherwise that night and it was wrong of me.” My voice shakes a little as my eyes met hers.
Her face says it all the pain behind her eyes the anguish that crosses her face while she tries to not look at me like I’ve wounded her. It’s the same look she gave me when she came to the funeral, when she learned that I’d hooked up with Jessica. I wait for a moment not sure what she will do, when she says nothing I continue.
“Hannah was leaving as soon as Austin was going to open the climbing gym, she wanted to travel Europe. My dad was so angry at her, he wanted her to come to work at the company. I was trying to find a solution for that without letting you down, without letting us down. I knew he would never approve of what we wanted to do. I wanted Hannah to be happy. I know that sounds cowardly so when he offered me a position I couldn’t turn him down and then I didn’t know how to bring it up to you. You had all these dreams too, you wanted to ride more and compete.” I say trying to explain my side of it to her, trying to make her see at the time I was trying to do what was best for the both of us.
“So let me get this straight instead of telling me this, instead of confiding in me you’d rather make me think that you didn’t love me? Make me think that you were fucking someone else?” Her voice is low when she says it, masked with a hurt that I’ve never heard before as she looks away from me.
I see the hint of the tears wanting to come out of her eyes I caused them. I’ve probably caused her a lot of tears over the years and I regret that more than she can ever know.
“Yes.”
“You didn’t think I would understand that you had an obligation to your family? That I wouldn’t support it or put my dreams on hold for you? Did you think that little of me? I knew about Hannah and Austin long before you did. She told me everything we were best friends. She was the one that reassured me that you and I were fine.”
“I was trying to do the right thing Vanessa. I didn’t think you and her would leave that night. Or that . . .” My voice trails off not wanting to say it out loud not wanting to dredge up that ugly moment between us.
It was an accident I know that years later, she knows that. No alcohol involved, she looked away from the road for a split second. My sister in her carefree spirit not putting on her seat belt. It was never the malicious act I imagined it to be the few weeks after it happened. I look at her as she puts her fork down and stares at me anger burning in her, anger I know I deserve.
“That I’d kill her.” Her tone is even when she says it and I shake my head no at her.
“No.” I say softly wanting her to know to make sure she understands that I don’t blame her anymore. I see a slight ray of hope go into her eyes before I finish. “That she’d be gone.”
She looks at me and I don’t see anger there anymore, instead it has been replaced with an understanding. I know what I am going to tell her next may cause her to run away again but I want her to know. The day I walked out of her room I have regretted it ever since, the day I turned my back on her, on us. The day I was lost and didn’t know what to do or how to feel. The day I was drowning in so much guilt for my own actions that day that led her to that moment of getting in that car. The guilt I felt for pushing her away for causing her to leave, the guilt I felt when she left town and cast me out of her life until now.
“I should have stayed until you woke up. I never should have left. I was so angry and not at you. At me. I was the reason you got in the car that night. You were so bruised, had so many tubes in you. I didn’t know how to feel I’d just learned about Hannah and yet there you were alive, barely clinging but alive.” I don’t even realize that tears are brimming my own eyes. Folding my hands in front of me I resist the urge to cry. Leaning forward I rest my chin on my folded hands.
The memory is still seared into my mind those moments in that room looking at the clock and then over at the bed. Looking at her against the white sheets, the guilt eating away at me over how she got there. How my sister got to be thrown from the car. Wiping at my eyes when I feel the tears slip out. My eyes meet hers and she has them too, she’s wiping at her own face and we sit there.
“You broke me.” Her voice is barely above a whisper when she says it. It seeps into my soul and haunts me in my head and I know what she is talking about the day I did go to see her.
Walking down the hospital corridor I see Austin and Paige out in the waiting room. Shane off to the side with Vanessa’s parents. She’s awake, she’s alive. I should be happy about that elated even I should want to rush into her room hold her and comfort her. I don’t even know if they notice me as I approach her room, she’s sitting up in bed. Bruising covering the side of her neck and then I see the stiches behind her hairline no doubt from the surgery to reduce the swelling. She has a cast on her left wrist and I know from Paige she has bruises on the rest of her. She looks fragile and so lost in that moment. So afraid and I hear Garrett in the hallway with a police officer.
“Mr. Harvell currently we don’t show that there was any alcohol involved in the accident. The deer darted into the road. It will be up to the district attorney at this point to press any charges for the use of a cellphone in the car or for the victim not wearing a belt.” The officer says, I recognize the voice it is the same officer I spoke to a few days ago when I came in.
“Thank you.” Garrett’s voice is filled with relief, a relief I should be feeling as well.
Instead I’m angry. I’m angry that Hannah is gone. I’m angry that she was even in the car. I’m angry at Vanessa for leaving. Worse I am angry at myself for letting it happen to begin with. I take a few steps into the room and Vanessa turns her head to me, her eyes are distant there is no more warmth in them. I don’t know what to say to her only she speaks first.
“Jake.” Her voice shakes, a sadness and grief behind it and it rattles me to my core as I stare at her. The woman that I love the woman that was driving the car. My grief overtakes me in that moment and I regret the words as soon as they leave my mouth.
“This is all your fault. I hate you.” I’m taken aback at the forcefulness behind the words.
She turns her head away from me, her casted hand wiping at the tears as I hear her sob. It’s overwhelming to watch her cry and do nothing to help her, to comfort her. I want to my heart tells me I should. Instead I feel sick as I look at her realizing what I’ve just said to her and before the room can close in on my anymore. Before I feel physically sick I take a few steps back walking down the hallway, hearing her cry. Hearing her sob as Paige and her mother go into her room. Brushing past Austin he grabs my arm looking at me.
“What the fuck did you say to her? If you need to talk to someone about what happened Jake I’m here but shit tell someone what in the hell has gotten into you.” His voice is full of anger at me and I look at him baffled.
Isn’t he angry? Doesn’t he hurt that my sister is gone? Does he even care?
“You may be willing to forgive her. I don’t she was driving. It’s better this way for everyone.” I spit out shoving him back before heading out of the hospital.
I feel the walls closing in on me, fresh tears streaming down my face as I leave. I am pretty certain her cries
and her tears will haunt me for the rest of my life. If I was a better person I would have stayed. If I wasn’t the jackass that tried to balance everything and make everyone happy she would have never got in the car. They both would still be alive if it wasn’t for me. The guilt is overwhelming and the only thing I want to do by the time I reach my truck to lean over and vomit is I want to forget.
I don’t say anything to her as I get up from the table pushing my chair back, walking around the table to her. She pushes her chair back, her body shaking before I haul her to me kissing her hard. My thumbs wiping her tears away. It’s what we both need, she kisses me back and I feel her breathing return to normal as I finally pull back. Looking at her, her eyes meet mine and she looks down and I tilt her chin back up.
“I never meant to. I’m sorry.” I lean forward resting my forehead against hers wanting her forgiveness, needing it.
“I know.” She says softly closing her eyes against my forehead.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
Vanessa
A WEEK AFTER being quasi-kidnapped to the cabin I look out the window of Jake’s condo. I look at my phone as a text from Charlotte appears. I’m not even mad at her anymore about the entire having Jake whisk me to the cabin for dinner. It was romantic and sweet and I know she means well as I read her text.
So now that you and Jake are tapping it again am I forgiven?
I want to have my mouth hang open at the suggesting but I can’t. That night was magical everything that we both needed, he took me back into the house ran me a bath and put me to bed. We didn’t have sex he held me the entire night even through the nightmares. He was right we needed to talk that night about what happened it was healthy for us. It finally has let that piece of forgiveness sink in that I needed.
He’s been out of town most of the week on a business trip and texted me telling me to meet him the condo that he had something he wanted to talk about. He gave me a key at the cabin last week. I don’t know what will happen when he gets back. That is not something we have really talked about yet. I think for now we are enjoying having things go day by day. Taking it one day at a time, slowly getting used to each other again, to the feel of dating again.
Not that I don’t want to sleep with him again I do. I want to be with him like that again I want us to connect on that level again when we are both ready when it feels right for the both of us. I know why we didn’t the other night, the talk we had was draining and he didn’t want to push me.
Placing down my purse on the counter I smile at the text and then slide my fingers across the keypad.
Wouldn’t you like to know? For the record he has been a complete gentlemen.
I wait for a text back as I hear a knock on the condo door. Ignoring it, it feels weird to open up Jake’s door like I live here when I don’t instead a smile crosses my face at Charlotte’s reply.
I bet you were super bummed by that get the man naked already again. Call me later I’m late for my shift at the hospital.
She is right I was bummed but in a good way, hearing the knock on the door again though I want to yell go away. I don’t live here, reaching for my phone to text Charlotte back though I hear the door opening. Stepping into the foyer of the condo my eyes stop on Jessica Robbins in front of me. She has a folder with her, as she puts her keys back into her purse and my stomach slightly drops at the realization that she has keys to his house. Her long blonde hair is pulled up in a tight bun around her collared white shirt. She looks like she belongs in this condo.
“I didn’t realize that Jake let the trash sleep here.” She says her voice flat as she placed her briefcase and the folder down on the island.
“I didn’t realize that you keep showing up where you aren’t wanted. I thought you’d outgrown that by now?” I shoot back.
I’ve always hated her, the way she used to look at him when we were together. The way his father pushed her into his life while we were together. Hannah hated her too, maybe even worse than I did. She looks at me for a moment before she lets out a laugh and it takes every ounce of self-control I have not to reach across the kitchen island and choke the life out of her.
“Jake’s not here.” I don’t even know why I say it or if she hears it before she tilts her head to the side.
“He landed about an hour ago. Alan wanted me to drop off some contracts for him. Since he’s ignoring my calls from work I figured I would stop by. Seeing you here though-” She pauses for a moment to let it linger before continuing. “Is quite interesting. I guess he really must have taken his daddy up on his offer.”
“Cut the shit Jess.” I say not even sure what in the hell she is talking about and wondering if I even want to know.
“He didn’t tell you did he?” She continues moving around the island to go to the wine fridge.
I’m still staring at her my hand shaking for a moment until I take a look on the folder on the counter. I only notice because it is labeled as Harvell Farm on the side. I hear the wine fridge open and I look at the first page seeing it is a real estate contract. My head is spinning reading over the details, I hear Jessica’s voice clearing behind me.
“Care for a glass? Oh wait that is right you don’t drink never really have. Hell you don’t drive. Is there anything that you actually do anymore?” Her voice rises just a little, my hand shakes as I turn the page in the folder.
It’s a contract for sell of my family’s farm, a good price for the land. I know things got bad after the accident. It was bad but we’re making headway on it now and by the time I reach the final page I think I might be sick looking at Jake’s signature next to my father’s there is a space below for my mother that is empty. The dates were a week before he died. I feel light headed and uneasy as Jessica’s words dig into me even more when she continues to speak.
“I’m surprised you know that Alan gave him time to entertain you. I would have just went for you. He’s been playing you the entire time. Did you really think that he still cared about you? That you two would be able to pick up the way you left things? That he would ever forgive you for what happened to Hannah?” She pauses for a moment as I look up at her.
I can feel the tears in my eyes, he’s known about this since I came home. He could have told me it’s been months since my dad passed.
“He won’t I’m sure he’s told you what you wanted to hear. If he really wanted whatever it is that you’ve started with him again other than a place for him to bury his dick for a few nights, he would have told you. You see Vanessa that is what I know about Jake, something you never will. You destroyed him and I was the one that put him back together.”
I know that any tears I’ve been attempting to hold back now are a waste. My hand is trembling while I cling to the only hope I have left to cling to. That she is a lying piece of garbage that she always has been. “You’re a liar.”
“Am I? Alan told him that he had a few more weeks to close the deal or he would. Jake told him he could do it. I was there outside the office.” She says flatly pouring herself a bottle of the merlot that she has helped herself to opening.
The room is spinning as I look at her and then down at the papers. The farm is the last thing my mother has left. Jake knows this and for him to even think of actually following through with it makes me sick. I’d like to believe otherwise but it makes sense now. Earn my trust back make me think we’ve both moved on from the shit and the baggage between us. Sleep with me again, make be believe he still loved me. All to get my families land for his father.
Everything that has happened with us since I came home maybe it has all been a game. A game I deserve to have happen part of what Jessica is saying is true Hannah is gone. Shaking I reach for my cellphone on the counter looking at Jake’s number popping up pressing the ignore button. Grabbing my purse in the hallway I hear Jessica’s footsteps behind me while I fight back losing my shit.
“You really should leave your key.”
It’s cold when she says it almost like she’s planned
all this out. My hand shakes as I reach for my keychain taking it off and setting it on the entryway table. I look up at the mirror the catlike grin on her face, like she has won. I suppose in some ways she has. I don’t bother to say anything else to her as I open the condo door looking up in the hallway to see Shane looking at me and then Jessica. My hand is shaking as I slam it behind me and walk to the elevators.
“Vanessa?” Shane asks, his voice still at the end of the hallway where I have left him.
My chest is rising and falling and it’s then I realize that I’m having a panic attack when I step into the elevator. Bending down I try to catch my breath, my phone ringing in my purse. Reaching inside I see Jake calling and I shove it back into my purse. I wait until I am outside the building and I round the corner to the alleyway before I lean down and sob.
I am not sure how long I stay there before I feel arms wrap around me. Looking up I see Paige with Shane by her side helping to lift me up. My phone is still ringing and I bury my head in her shoulder I thought him breaking me in the hospital hurt that it was something I could never come back from. This however is worse, it’s my livelihood. My legacy that he wants. I never thought he would do that to me after claiming to love me, after claiming to want to fix this.
My body is numb as Paige and Shane lead me down the alleyway and to her car. By the time Shane helps me into the front seat and Paige turns on the engine I don’t know what to think or say.
“You want me to take you home?”
I glance over at her. Her hand reaches for mine and I nod my head. My voice quiet as it wavers just a little. “Yes.”
CHAPTER THIRTY
Jake
I’M TIRED BY the time I walk up to my condo door it’s been a long day. Ever since I’ve landed and the car took me to an impromptu meeting at the company. It’s delayed me a few hours longer than it should have and I’ve been trying to reach Vanessa all day. I glance down at my phone as Shane’s number appears before I place it back in my pocket. The only thing I want to do is wrap her up in my arms, order some food and then take her to bed. I want my life back with her, without the hassle of work or meetings or worrying about the next shoe dropping with us.