How to Kill Your Wife

by James Hockings

  Mancuso chuckled right along with her. “That’s the feisty girl I know. I like ’em feisty. How about the day after tomorrow at noon? Maybe we can have lunch.”

  “I’ll bring my brown bag. Shall I bring an extra carrot? I’ll see you in your office, and if you keep me waiting more than one minute, I’ll walk out,” Elaine threatened.

  “It’s impolite to keep a pretty lady waiting. But you’re no lady, are you?” It was duel of sarcasm now, and Slick Willie thought he had won with that remark.

  “That’s right. I’m more man than you’ll ever be, and more woman than you’ll ever be able to handle.” Elaine slammed the phone down, but he was already gone. Getting the last word in was a small satisfaction, at least.

  Elaine planned her short-term goals and strategies. Tomorrow she planned to bail Peter out, if the timing of all her calls and paperwork came together just right. The day after that, she intended to prepare her appeal of the bail amount, just in case she couldn’t raise the 300K for the bondsman. That same day, with luck, she planned to distract the cocky bastard Slick Willie with a tight sweater while she picked his brain for information. She would get that strutting rooster to brag about his airtight case to impress her. She was counting on that.

  Chapter 63

  Elaine visited Peter in jail and told him about her plan to see the district attorney. She told him about her plan to get bail money by remortgaging his house. She didn’t tell him about her meeting with Frannie. She told him about the call from Sindra at Bachman & Bates.

  At the mention of the call from Sindra, Peter sat up in bed and quit grinding his teeth. “She’ll give you the money if she wants the book bad enough. Maybe they’ll let me talk to her.”

  “Peter, cool your jets. I’ll be running your life until you get out of here or I find you another lawyer.”

  Peter began grinding his teeth again.

  “Yes, dear.”

  He knew right away that he’d screwed up royally. He couldn’t have picked a worse thing to say.

  Elaine just shook her head and walked out. No one called her “dear” in that tone. No one.

  Chapter 64

  The next day, Elaine found that remortgaging Peter’s house was dead easy. She was able to pull together 100K in cash, and still had another 140K left in equity to pledge. That left her just 60K short of the $300,000 she needed. Although Elaine knew that Peter wanted her to call Bachman & Bates right away and see about the advance they might offer for the book, Elaine thought it would be wise to do some research first on how to sell a book.

  With her usual determination, Elaine started a phone campaign to find a lawyer with a leg up on the literary world. After six “we’ll have Mr./Ms. so-and-so call you back” calls to the seven entertainment lawyers listed in the big-city phone book, Elaine finally spoke directly to someone who seemed willing enough – very willing, in fact – to speak with her. His name was Marvin Hersch. He wanted to talk her ear off about book contracts.

  In the course of his 20-minute monologue, Marvin told Elaine what a book was worth. “It depends,” “It’s all a matter of your negotiating skills,” and “Poetry is not worth a nickel.” In fact, he told her nothing.

  Elaine was a skilled negotiator, but with the confusing advice Marvin gave her, she was still going in blind asking for an advance. She was determined to sell Peter’s book even though she hadn’t a clue where to start. So Elaine decided to begin bargaining with the publishing house using the common lawyerly strategy of starting with a ridiculous figure, and letting the other party take the initiative in bringing her down.

  She called Sindra at her Bachman & Bates private number.

  “Sindra, this is Peter Broviak’s lawyer, Elaine Madison. I have talked to my client and we are comfortable making a proposal for selling the book. We don’t need to get bogged down in details, but what we do need is an advance. We have a figure in mind.”

  “Elaine, this is a rather sudden request in a business that moves pretty slowly.”

  “You will find it in your interest to move quickly on this one.”

  “Do you have other bidders?”

  “I’m afraid I can’t divulge that kind of information.”

  “Can you hold, please? When I come back, may I put you on speakerphone? I have to get some of my colleagues in on this.”

  Elaine took a big sip of coffee and listened to the classical music the publisher used to entertain callers on hold. She listened for longer than she had the patience for, and was about to hang up when the hollow voice of Sindra on speakerphone came back on the line.

  “Elaine, I have our in-house lawyer with me, Bill Brady, and our CFO, Bill Bradley. Don’t even think about making a joke, we’ve heard them all. Now you can pitch us your proposal, and among the three of us, we have the muscle to make a decision that will commit the corporation. Go ahead.”

  Elaine let out a little breath and said “We need a million-dollar advance, and …”

  Sindra cut her off and said, “Can you hold, please?”

  Elaine had no choice in the matter since her ear was instantly filled with Chopin once again. Elaine thought that Sindra had given away her hand by deciding to confer with the two Bills and not instantly rejecting the high figure. Sindra was apparently not used to speed-chess negotiations.

  Sindra came back on the line and pointedly ignored Elaine’s million-dollar-advance request and asked, “What’s your proposal regarding royalties?”

  Elaine hadn’t a clue about royalties, so she said, “I thought I’d let you make me an offer on royalties, while I confer a minute on the other line regarding the advance offer.” There was, unfortunately, no one on the other line with whom she could confer, but Bachman & Bates didn’t know that.

  “And who’s on the other line?”

  “I’m not at liberty to tell you.”

  One of the “Bills” spoke up. “This is blackmail, lady, and we won’t negotiate in this kind of atmosphere and be put under time pressure like this. This call is over.”

  Elaine tried to sound very calm and replied, “Wait - we can settle things and take the time pressure off, if you are willing to buy a one-month right of first refusal on the book for a nominal sum. We need $65,000 and we need it today. Take it or leave it.”

  “Just one moment,” Sindra said, before Chopin took over for 10 seconds. “We’ll take it. Mr. Brady will go over the details with you on the phone, and he will fax you whatever else we need. This is unusual for us, just buying the right of first refusal on a book, but it’ll look good on a press release. Here’s Bill.”

  Elaine concluded her business with Bill Brady, who said that the money would be in her trust account before the close of business. She was going to be able to spring Peter from jail, and that felt good. She had her 300K for bail, plus 5K more for incidental expenses.

  She hoped her shopping trip for a criminal lawyer would be that easy. She started calling lawyers she knew for their recommendations. One name came up twice as someone gunning to make a name for himself, who might be willing to work on spec. His name was David Dewar.

  Elaine made her pitch to David, and he agreed to meet her and Peter sometime later in the week. He seemed young, but he had excellent credentials and sounded eager. It had been a long time since she had heard eagerness in another lawyer’s voice. Most of her colleagues sounded mere inches from terminal boredom or depression.

  Elaine was relieved at the thought of getting back to the kind of law practice she knew best, and out of the Alice in Wonderland world of jails, cops, prosecutors and publishers. Her meeting with Slick Willie was scheduled for noon the next day. She hoped that would be the end of her involvement in this macabre circus.

  She checked her trust account and found the 65K from Bachman & Bates. She called the bail bondsman and wrote some checks and had them certified, and prepared assignment documents for the house. She was going to free Peter before the end of the day.

  Elaine appeared before a justice and posted the
bond within the hour, and it went without a hitch. Then she drove to the prison and after some paperwork, the prison nurse wheeled Peter out of the prison gates to Elaine’s waiting car. Peter was grinding his teeth and grinning his funeral grin. He laughed with the stress as he jumped in the passenger seat next to Elaine.

  Elaine stared at him. She had never seen this little neurotic display of his up close and personal.

  “Why are you so happy?”

  “I’m NOT happy!” Peter guffawed at her. “I get like this when I see a dead body or when I kill someone.”

  “Kill someone?”

  “Not literally. I have a nervous tick under stress. I smile and laugh. It started at my stepfather’s funeral and now I get it whenever I need to cry or scream or run away.”

  “Oh, good. You didn’t kill Kathryn, then.”

  “No, but I’m going to find out who did, and who framed me for it, and then I’m going to punch Wilbur in the nose, and then …”

  “You are not off these charges by any means, Peter. And your bail conditions include ‘keeping the peace and being of good behavior.’ You are also confined to your house. Good luck punching Wilbur.”

  “Where are we going?”

  “To your house so you can begin your house arrest.”

  “Shit.”

  “And I’m going to my office to do some work for my paying clients.”

  “Will you come by later to see me?”

  “No. I don’t make it a practice to fuck guys wearing ankle bracelets. Stay off the phone, I’m sure it’s tapped. If you have to whack off, do it in the dark. I don’t doubt they have cameras installed. The Patriot Act opened the door to all of this shit, and you are the proud recipient of all the protection that act affords. I’ll bet you’re a Republican. Serves you right.” Elaine was still making him pay for saying “Yes, dear” in the infirmary.

  They arrived at Peter’s house, and Elaine turned her head away when Peter tried to kiss her goodbye. “Wonderful,” Peter thought. “She was just using me for sex, and now even that’s over. Fucking lawyers.”

  Chapter 65

  Elaine, unaware that Peter felt used and victimized, did do some work on cases for “paying clients,” but she also spent time thinking about her meeting with Slick Willie at noon the next day. How could she play him? The sexual diversion routine she was going to pull on Slick Willie came to her naturally, but she needed another card to play. The district attorney had political ambitions, and there was a state senate seat open due to the untimely death of the incumbent. There was a rumor going around the courthouse that Slick Willie was going to throw his hat in the ring. But Elaine couldn’t quite see how this knowledge could be used to help Peter, so she put it on the back burner for now.

  Failing any logic that would give her a second card to play, she would have to rely upon instinct and intuition tomorrow. She went home and drank a frosty martini in her hot bath and went to bed early. She needed to think sharp and look great for her meeting with Slick Willie.

  Chapter 66

  Peter felt almost as trapped in his own home as he had in jail. His ankle bracelet transmitted his location every time he moved. His phone was probably tapped. Elaine even suspected there were cameras watching him.

  But Peter didn’t realize the full extent of his captivity until the first of the broadcast video trucks rolled up in front of his house and extended its mast. Soon, there was a whole navy of these one-masted vessels sailing up his street. Along with the navy came an army of cops, intent on keeping traffic moving and keeping wayward reporters off the neighbors’ lawns.

  Peter had quit answering his phone even before the first truck showed up. He had no computer to communicate by e-mail, so apart from making outgoing calls, he was isolated. Frannie and Elaine weren’t answering their phones, and Peter had no urge to talk to his other friends. They had probably all ratted him out. They would be too embarrassed to talk to him, or he hoped they would be too embarrassed.

  From looking out the front door every so often, Peter could see that the whole village was attending the new “circus” in town. He knew he would never be able to live in this village again, no matter what the outcome of his trial. The thought of going into the local hardware store - and having all conversations stop and all eyes focus on him - was not something he wanted to endure.

  Peter needed a way out of this whole mess, but no way out came to mind. His life was being remotely controlled by circumstance. He might as well still be in jail.

  Chapter 67

  Before meeting Slick Willie for the great information tug-of-war, Elaine was scheduled for a weekly session with her therapist. She’d started seeing a therapist ages ago and for the past few years, it was more habit than therapy. She felt that seeing a therapist kept her honest with herself and so, she continued. Today, however, Elaine really felt the need to unburden herself. It wasn’t so much about being honest this time but keeping her sanity.

  “Elaine, it’s good to see you. Take any seat you like but mine.”

  “Lisa, I really needed to see you today. I’m in over my head.” This was hard for her to admit. She felt like she was going to sob.

  “Take your time, Elaine.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t usually let my emotions get away like this.”

  “I know you don’t. Go on.”

  “I told you I have a new guy in my life, and I told you I thought he was pretty good for me, but I didn’t tell you who he was, did I? He’s the guy in the papers who’s accused of killing his wife. I don’t think he did it, but I got dragged into representing him because Wilbur was going to hang him out to dry. Wilbur knows about us and he’s been stalking me by e-mail. It’s a shitty mess. I’m not a criminal lawyer, and I don’t know if I love the guy or even like him since I started representing him. He’s a mess now, but then, I never knew him before all of his troubles started.”

  “Those are important points we might need to talk about. First, can we back up a bit? I’d like to know about this relationship. Forget Wilbur and forget the legal mess; tell me what you feel about this man.”

  “Frightened.”

  “Of what?”

  “Falling in love with some nutcase artist.”

  “Is that what you really feel about him?”

  “No, I think he’s a decent person and he treats me very well. He treats my body exceptionally well. He worships my body, in fact, and no man has ever done that. It’s wildly erotic. He knows what makes me tick, how to wind me up and make me come. And I’ve told you how hard it is to make me come. Not that orgasms are the ‘be all and end all’ for me, but they’re a nice surprise … I can relax when I’m naked with him. I’ve never been able to do that before. Oh, God, all I’ve been talking about is sex. I must be making him sound like he’s some new kind of vibrator and I’m some kind of sex maniac. You know I’m not like that, but it’s a new experience for this old girl.”

  “Elaine, you’ve always said you needed a special kind of man. Do you think you’ve met that special kind of man?”

  “Maybe I did, and that’s why it’s so scary.”

  “Okay. And what does Wilbur have to do with this?”

  “He’s stalking me. You know what a control freak he is and how sadistic he was with me. These last few years, since I got free of him, you know, free ‘upstairs,’ he’s been pretty quiet. I haven’t dated much and I’ve ignored him. But somehow, he got wind of Peter in my life and has gone on the warpath again. I’m not going to let him win this time.”

  “How are going to stop him? What is it that you want?”

  “I want justice. A member of the bar shouldn’t have to put up with threats and verbal violence from another member. It’s illegal and unethical.”

  “And what does all of this have to do with representing Peter? How does that tie in?”

  “Wilbur was originally representing Peter and making crazy mistakes that a first-year law student wouldn’t make. He should be disbarred just for that. Then I got su
cked into doing criminal law by a series of accidents that I don’t need to go into here. My job as a criminal lawyer ends at noon today after I meet with the district attorney; I think I’ve found another lawyer to take over. He’s young and willing to work without a retainer and is certainly better than either Wilbur or me. Wilbur’s out for revenge and I’m a family law specialist. And I’m worried about Peter.”

  “What worries do you have about Peter?”

  “I think he’s pretty delicate mentally. He might go over the edge.”

  “I’m not a medical doctor, but I’ll go out on a limb and speculate that none of us would be unchanged by an experience like he’s had, but the extent of that damage is hard to predict. It could be massive, but that’s not likely; whatever it is will fade over time, possibly faster with some treatment. People are pretty resilient.”

  “That’s nice to think. I do think he’s that ‘special man.’ I mean, I feel it; I just have a hard time thinking it. We get a lot of logic pounded into us in law school.”

  “Thinking and feeling aren’t enemies, Elaine. They are both tools we humans use to help us survive. It’s when we deny one or the other that we get into trouble.”

  “I know. We’ve been through this minefield before. I know our hour isn’t up, but I have to prep for my meeting and I could use an extra 15 minutes. Okay?”

  “Fine with me. Just check in with Shelly on your way out and I’ll see you next week. Take care, Elaine.”

  Chapter 68

  Elaine arrived right on time and was immediately ushered into Slick Willie’s office. It was decorated in dark masculine shades of tobacco and gray, with heavy leather sofas and a big mahogany desk. The room was done in a sailing-ship theme, although Slick Willie didn’t sail. He owned a big fiberglass powerboat that seldom left the dock. Slick Willie fancied himself a sea captain, although pirate would be a more apt description.