Adventures of Tain Bb, Hello? And Dumb

by Andrey Nuzhdin

Chapter Eight, In Which Tain Bb Prepares To Meet The Head Fathermuncher, And Dumb Wipes His Feet

  Tain Bb and Dumb, being real Scouts who Follow the Sun, moved steadily towards their intended goal. As for Hello? and her decisions, they weren’t discussed at all: she had found what she was looking for and a feeling of joy for her filled the hearts of her friends.

  However the forthcoming meeting with the Head Feathermuncher gradually emerged in the foreground, displacing all other thoughts from Tain bb’s head. ‘What exactly could they say to this creature, and how, so that he agrees to return the Feather,’ he thought to himself all the time. ‘My arguments will undoubtedly have to be serious and convincing.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ he agreed with himself aloud and twisted his head.

  As usual Dumb was walking ahead and completely ignored his attempts to start a conversation.

  ‘But you haven’t seen him at all?’ asked Tain Bb, seizing the moment when they called a halt.

  ‘Who?’ Dumb’s face expressed incomprehension.

  ‘What do you mean ‘who’? The Giraffe King of course,’ Tain said sarcastically.

  ‘No. I’ve not seen the Giraffe King,’ Dumb replied honestly and started to whistle Hello?’s stupid song.

  ‘OK then,’ Tain gave up. ‘You’ve not seen the Giraffe, but have you seen the Feathermuncher? What does he look like?’

  ‘Well…’ Dumb began to think. ‘He looks completely and utterly like…he looks like the Head Feathermuncher!’ he finished joyfully and snorted, understanding perfectly what was transpiring in his friend’s soul.

  Unable to bear it, Tain Bb leapt up and, releasing a battle cry, threw himself at Dumb. Grappling each other, they rolled around on the ground, crushing the grass and letting forth a stream of terrible oaths at one another.

  ‘Oi! That’s enough, enough!’ Dumb cried laughingly at last. ‘I give up, get off me, I’m afraid of tickling.’

  ‘There you go,’ Tain helped him to shake off the bits of earth and grass, stuck to his coat.

  ‘What do you want to hear? What he looks like? Errr…’ Dumb started to think. ‘Well, he’s so hairy, about the same height as me, he’s got six paws, curved fangs…and after lunch he also likes to have his back scratched.’

  ‘After which lunch?’ Tain grew cold.

  ‘Which?...why, a feather lunch.’

  ‘And who scratches his back?’

  ‘Whoever’s nearest scratches it. It could be me who scratches. Or you.’

  Tain imagined himself scratching the back of a hairy, six-pawed, sharp-fanged creature, and he shivered.

  ‘I suppose I could,’ he said reluctantly, ‘if it’ll help matters.’

  ‘Maybe it will help,’ Dumb agreed. ‘Only if something isn’t right he’ll bite without warning.’

  And, with a menacing roar, Dumb snapped his teeth for effect. Caught by surprise, Tain actually stumbled.

  ‘You have to remember everything good,’ Dumb began, ‘everything that was in your desires and actions during your previous life. Remember with gratitude your family and friends, and even those people who have simply done something for you. And this will definitely help you to find the right words and to convince the Head Feathermuncher that the thing you are asking for is really extremely necessary to you. He has to be certain that you have understood something. To be precise: everything that is good in this life, including the Head Feather, is never simply given to someone for nothing. They have to value, appreciate and fight for these things. And if the good thing suddenly disappears, and life changes for the worse, then again…’ Dumb spread his arms, ‘you have to be ready for this and not let circumstances take you by surprise, understand?’ And Dumb looked attentively at Tain Bb.

  And Tain understood. He was certain that he had understood everything completely, but it seemed to him that he had grasped the most important part. He suddenly remembered that he had never once taken an interest in where his grandmother had got the Feather and what she had to give for it. ‘OK, then,’ he grew angry with himself, ‘I was young and stupid then. But what about after? What stopped me then? All his life stood up to then stood before him in a completely new light. He was seized by the strongest desire to find and thank all those people who had helped him in any kind of way. True to say, Tain Bb had always been a kind and responsible fellow, but it seemed to him now that this was far from the case.

  ‘I know what I’ll say to the Head Feathermuncher,’ Tain looked gloomily at Dumb. ‘And if it gets to that stage, then I’m ready to scratch his back, his tummy, and even behind his ear.’

  ‘I can see that you’re a fantasist,’ snorted Dumb. ‘And how do you know that he has an ear? Come on, come on…walk…we’re nearly there.’

  They walked for a couple of hours without stopping until they came up against two pieces of board, screwed to a tree by wire. Thick black arrows pointed the way, and the inscription under them read on one:

  The Lair of the Main Feathermuncher – 300m

  And on the other:

  Cemetery – 300m

  ‘What?’ asked Tain in an indifferent voice. ‘Are there cemeteries in the Light Forest as well?’

  ‘Yes, young man,’ Dumb replied sternly, glancing off somewhere to the side. ‘Especially when there are lairs like this, with neighbours like this,’ he added juicily.

  Tain Bb fell silent. He didn’t feel like talking. The terrible Feathermuncher with its big sharp teeth that had probably not been cleaned for many years must of course know about the forthcoming visit of the Head Feather’s former owner. And in all likelihood it was now rubbing all six of its paws in a disgusting fashion, poking fun at its naïve guest. But at the same time, strangely, Tain felt his shoulders straighten, his muscles tensed, ready for action, and his step became firmer and firmer. It seemed that everything in him was waiting for this meeting, and his spirit soared high.Dumb looked approvingly at his friend. He was also nervous, though he tried not to show it. ‘Brave little Tain Bb,’ thought the Traveller, rejoicing in this change.

  A separate gloomy rock face appeared before their eyes, barely had they left the endless thickets of blue bush. But why gloomy? On its summit three bent palm trees grew, and it was covered in birds’ nests. Coconut shell lay all over the ground and a blue sink under an overhang pointed to the cleanliness of the local residents, and in the rock face itself a hole the height of a man welcomed them blackly. ‘The entrance to the lair, or, more likely, a cave,’ Tain thought automatically and, unnoticed, wiped his sweaty palms on his T-shirt. Slowly, with caution, the friends drew nearer. ‘Wipe your feet‘, a stunned Tain Bb read from the rubber mat in front of the door.

  ‘Here’s what we’ll do,’ whispered Dumb, diligently wiping his feet. ‘I’ll go in now and introduce you. And you meanwhile get ready, in particular don’t relax your guard.’

  ‘But I’m ready,’ Tain replied coldly. ‘Go first of course, if you need to. I’ll wait.’

  ‘Ahuh,’ and Dumb, diving into the darkness disappeared.

  Tain’s heart fell. No matter how brave he tried to be, a very important and critical moment was approaching, possibly a turning point for his life to come. He stood and didn’t feel time pass. About an hour passed, maybe more, before he heard a rustle. Growing cold within, Tain had already raised his leg to step inside when someone seized him by the hand. Nearly screaming from fear, he saw with relief the smiling face of the Dumbheaded Traveller.

  ‘Sorry, is this your feather?’ Dumb asked cunningly and lifted up to Tain’s eyes a feather of medium size, half-white, half-ginger. Then he lightly blew on it and, having hung for a little in the air, it softly settled straight into Tain Bb’s open palm.

  ‘How?’ was all he could say. Yes, without any doubt whatsoever, this was it, the Feather itself. Every part of Tain’s body recognized and greeted it, like a good old friend. ‘But how?...’ flew into his head. ‘Has the Head Feathermuncher really handed over the Feather just like that, out of the kindness of his heart
? Without even listening to what I have to say?’‘But I’m the Head Feathermuncher. Two-in-one,’ the Traveller looked at Tain Bb coldly at point blank, without any shadow of a smile. ‘And if you want you can scratch me behind the ear,’ added the Head Feathermuncher and smiled, again becoming good old Dumb.

  It was only very, very gradually that the meaning of what he had just heard got through to Tain Bb.

  ‘Oh, how cunning you are!’ he cried at last, connecting all the words and actions of the Traveller into a single whole in his mind. ‘That’s why this entire journey was made and all these stories told about the terrible Feathermuncher. You wanted to teach me something, didn’t you? To teach me to be grateful and to appreciate all the good things that I have and might ever have…and the thing is you did it, I can feel it, a lot has changed in me…you did it!’ Tain looked at his friend, and a feeling of gratitude and admiration for his Dumb wisdom filled his being completely.

  ‘But what about the cemetery?’ he suddenly remembered. ‘Does it really exist?’

  ‘I would call that signpost the last decorative feature of my show,’ the maestro answered proudly. ‘There’s no cemetery at all of course, although people sometimes die in the Light Forest.’ Dumb screwed his eyes up mockingly. ‘Well, what about it? Are you going to scratch me behind the ear?’

  ‘I will, I will,’ roared Tain Bb. ‘Come on! Come here, you terrible, terribly terrible Feathermunchking!’

  And, stretching his groping paws in front of him, the happy owner of the newly found missing item moved threateningly towards the Head Feathermuncher. ‘He’s the Dumbheaded Traveller and he’s Mary Poppins,’ for some reason shot into Tain Bb’s head.

  ‘I, I…was joking, joking…’ muttered Dumb and, unable to bear the rising tension, started to run with long jumps, like an elk, straight into the blue bushes.

  Tain dashed off in pursuit, and after several minutes they both disappeared from view. All that remained were the soundwaves from a far-off din that hung in the air for a time before they too fell silent, allowing the Light Forest to regain its peacefulness and its own voice, disturbed by no one.

  Chapter Nine, In Which Tain Bb Thougtfully Looks At The Ceiling, And Then Makes A Decision

  And so, Tain Bb lay on the couch in a thoughtful pose, not forgetting to also look at the ceiling thoughtfully. His thoughts flowed in very different directions. Sometimes they went along a parallel course, sometimes they crossed paths, and sometimes they diverged into different dimensions. Thus, for example, Tain persistently tried to find the connection between the words ‘ceiling’ and ‘feeling’, found it, and then moved on to the discovery of a new secret: ‘feeling’ and ‘felt’. What did they have in common? His forehead wrinkled as he sought the solution. Ceilings and felt were both part of a roof. It’s true, a barely noticeable crack crossed it in a thin twisted line like a river on a geographical map or…like a forest path.

  Tain Bb scratched his nose. His pillow, the same one, lay absolutely as drawn in the ‘Instructions’, carefully under his nape, and Tain felt with pleasure the presence of the Head Feather in it.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ he suddenly said, decisively failing to understand why he should speak aloud when there was no one around.

  Whether from the draught or of its own accord, his grandmother’s picture, given to her favourite grandson on his birthday, swung encouragingly on its hook.

  ‘And why not?’ the not-in-the-habit-of-talking-to-himself Tain Bb again said, and rushed to find the things he urgently needed.

  Having finally found both pen and paper, he sat at the table and wrote in big curved letters on a blank piece of paper: ‘The Travels of Tain Bb, Hello? And Dumb’, after which he started to think for a long time.

  And if thoughtfulness herself was at that moment nearby, then even she could not have fixed upon his face a more suitable expression. Who knows what occurred to him! It’s possible that from the very depths of the blank page there rose to the surface the outlines of distant hills, roads leading to the Forest, under a sun whose light diffused with a soft radiance through the smoky fog. It’s possible he heard the noise of the wind in the leaves and even made out in it the knock of pinecones, fallen to the ground. And here Hello?’s eyebrows had already curved up and imperceptibly became Dumb’s smile, full of wise irony, and, having formed at the end something vaguely resembling a trumpet, again left for the depths, dispersing and growing pale. The Light Forest stood before one’s eyes mighty and bright, forcing one to experience the same feelings that had filled the lives of the friends then.

  But who knows? Maybe at some point in the future, let’s say the day after tomorrow, Tain Bb will have a completely well-grounded reason to return to the Light Forest. And the friends will meet each other again, to set off together on their travels, let’s say to the Island of the Munchkin Tribes, or perhaps even further…

  ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah,’ said Tain Bb and shook his head…

  T H E E N D