I Love You, Always

by Natalie Ward

  “Oh I most certainly can,” I say, rolling us over.

  “Sure about that?” Ash asks, laughing as I cover her body with mine.

  “Yeah, very sure,” I whisper, sliding down her body to do exactly that.

  When I next open my eyes, the sun is high in the sky, filling the room with sunlight. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s after noon. I turn just as Ash sleepily opens her eyes. She smiles up at me as she says, “See, you can sleep.”

  I lean in and press a kiss to her lips. “When you exhaust me like that, yeah I can,” I say, sliding my arm around her waist and pulling her closer.

  “Mmmm,” she murmurs against my lips. “I’ll have to remember that.”

  I smile as I catch the sound of her stomach rumbling, thinking this girl can exhaust me like this any time she wants to. “Please do, beautiful,” I murmur, kissing her neck.

  “I will, but now,” she says, her stomach rumbling again. “I’m hungry.” Ash falls off me and on to her back. I slide over and rest my head on her chest and can feel her hand gently moving over my head. As I stare out of the open blinds at the beautiful summer day, the ocean in the distance, I start to realize for the first time since we arrived, I’m finally okay with being back here. However this has managed to happen, I’m finally now okay with it all.

  “What do you want to do today?” Ash asks, her hand sliding down my shoulders.

  “Nothing,” I say, closing my eyes. “Absolutely nothing.”

  “Sounds like a perfect day,” she says and I can tell she’s smiling. “But can we at least factor in eating?” I smile, as I look up at her. “What?” she asks, smiling back at me.

  “Don’t know,” I say, resting my chin on her chest. “Everything just seems pretty perfect right about now.”

  I watch as Ash runs a finger down my nose to my lips. I press a kiss against it as she says, “Yeah, it does. Well, except for the fact that I’m starving.”

  “Come on then,” I say, laughing as I pull her out of bed with me. “Let’s shower and go eat. Maybe this do nothing day of ours can be done outside by the pool.”

  “Relaxed and doing nothing?” Ash asks, as she sits between my legs on the sun lounger. We’ve been out here all afternoon, all seven of us doing exactly that by the pool.

  “Oh yeah,” I say as I hear the doorbell ring in the background. I ignore it, wrapping my arms around Ash’s shoulders and pulling her closer.

  Rehearsing and recording has been fun, there’s no doubt, but it’s exhausting too. We’ve spent some really long days in the studio, not getting home until well after midnight. It’s been worth it though and I know we are all putting this effort in as we try to create something that not only makes the record label happy, but which fulfills all of our expectations as well. In fact, most of the time, the sound guys are happy with a cut we’ve done, and it’s usually us who want to go another round. We want this album to be perfect.

  “Good,” Ash says as we both turn and see Jared walking towards us. It’s the look on his face that immediately tells me something is wrong.

  “What?” I ask, even though in my gut, I know what he’s going to say.

  I watch as Jared turns to look at Mia, lying on the lounger beside us, before turning back to face me. The look on his face says it all, but it doesn’t stop Mia from asking, “Who was it?”

  I turn to look at my sister. She’s looking at Jared, who is staring at me. She looks between the two of us now, like she’s watching a tennis match, and I’d be laughing at her if I didn’t know this was something bad, the one thing neither of us wants to face. I should’ve fucking known this was going to happen. It’s been at the back of my mind for the last six weeks, what I’ve been half expecting to happen since the moment we arrived. It was inevitable really.

  “Jared,” she asks again. “Who was at the door?”

  He clears his throat and glances back at Mia, his face softening as he looks at her. He knows this will affect her too, especially after all the shit that happened to them over a year ago. It’s gotta be affecting him right now, the tension radiating off the guy is palpable.

  Ash squeezes my foot and I turn towards her. She knows. I know she does, because she knows I’ve been dreading this possibility ever since we stepped off that plane. “It will okay, Luke,” she whispers.

  “Will it?” I immediately ask her.

  She scoots towards me and wraps an arm around my neck, pulling me closer. Her other hand comes to my face, her fingers gently brushing over my cheek, the scar I have. “It will. And I’m here for you. Do you want me to come with you?” she whispers.

  I shake my head as I lean in and kiss her. I don’t want her anywhere near him. As I stand up, Ash grabs hold of my hand and I stop and say, “I’ll be back, okay?” She nods before squeezing my hand and letting me go.

  As I walk towards the house, I hear Mia ask Jared again, “Who’s at the door?”

  “Your dad,” he says in a strained voice.

  I walk into the house alone, hoping Mia doesn’t follow me. He obviously knows I’m in L.A., probably her too, but I’m not taking any chances. It’s better for her and easier for me, if Mia stays out of this one.

  Walking towards the front door, I take deep breaths as I prepare to face the man I haven’t seen in years. The last time I did see him, it ended with his fist in my face, and I can’t help but think about how similar this feels to that very morning.

  When I reach the door, I half smile at the fact Jared has closed it on him. There’s no way he’d leave it open so Dad could possibly see Mia, and not a chance in hell he’d actually invite him in. I glance back to the pool area and I can see Jared standing at the sliding doors now, his arms crossed over his chest like he’s letting me know he’s got my back. Everyone else is still outside and I’m relieved. I smile at Jared as he nods at me, and then I turn back to the door and open it. Dad is standing on the other side and he looks annoyed. I’m not sure if it’s because he hasn’t been invited in, or because he’s been kept waiting. I don’t care either way.

  “Luke,” he says to me and his voice is still the same, laced with disappointment. His eyes flick to my chest, taking in my newest tattoo and I briefly see a look of confusion, maybe over the name he can read, before his mask falls back into place.

  “What do you want?” I say, not bothering with politeness.

  “Are you going to invite me in?” he asks.

  I feel my fingers gripping the door handle. “No,” is all I say in response.

  Dad smoothes one hand over his stomach and when I glance down, it takes me a second to realise it’s shaking, before he hides it in the pocket of his pants. “I don’t really want to have this conversation on the front porch,” he says.

  “I don’t really give a fuck what you want,” I stay, still not moving.

  I watch as a hardness flashes across his face before he takes another deep breath, as though he’s trying to calm himself down. His hand smoothes his hair back and once again, I notice it’s shaking.

  “We, well… I need to talk to you,” he says, almost nervous now, as though this is not what he expected.

  I take a deep breath, my hand running over my head and gripping the back of my neck. I have no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about, and to be honest; I really don’t care. Considering he has just shown up here, unannounced and with everything that’s happened in the past, I’m actually not interested in anything he has to say to me anymore.

  “You might want to talk, Dad,” I say, my eyes meeting his and seeing that same cold blue stare looking back at me. “But I don’t.”

  “Luke, I…”

  “No, Dad,” I say standing taller. “I’m done talking to you. I really don’t want to hear whatever it is you’ve come here to say. Unless it’s an apology, which I’m guessing it’s not.”

  Dad stands there staring at me, not saying a word. Even though I shouldn’t be surprised, there’s a part of me that wonders how the hell he found me, how he
even knew we were here. I could ask, but I don’t really want to give him the satisfaction of thinking I care. He still says nothing and as our eyes lock, I know there’s no apology coming. There never will be and it’s stupid of me to think it would ever happen. I doubt it’s something that would even cross his mind.

  “Just like I thought,” I finally say before stepping backwards and closing the door in his face.

  When I turn and walk back into the kitchen, Jared is still there leaning against the glass door. I walk to the fridge and grab us both a beer, even though we have open ones sitting outside. Jared follows me into the kitchen and takes the bottle from my hand. “You okay?” he asks.

  I take a long drag on my beer, my hand scrubbing down my face. “Yeah, I think so.”

  “Sure?” Jared says, and I get the feeling he’s not buying it.

  I shrug, looking at my best friend. “I think so, I mean at least he didn’t hit me this time, right?”

  This time it’s Jared taking the long pull of his beer before he says, “Yeah, that was never gonna happen.”

  I can’t help but smile, knowing that neither of us would have let it reach that point, not this time. Not ever again. “Yeah, I know,” I say, clapping him on the shoulder. “Thanks for having my back though.”

  “Anytime, Luke, you know that,” he says as we both turn and walk towards the glass doors leading outside. “What are you going to say to them?” Jared asks, stopping before we go out there.

  I turn to look at him and see he’s watching Mia. Her and Ash are both sitting where we left them, looking at us and waiting for some kind of explanation I’m sure. “Dunno, guess that he showed up, wanted to talk, and I told him to fuck off.”

  Jared half smiles. “Guess that pretty much sums it up,” he says, turning back to me. “But you know Mia’s going to want to know what he wanted.”

  And he’s right, she will. My sister might hate Dad just as much as I do, but I know she’s going to be curious about why he came here today. I don’t care, because as far as I’m concerned, he’s not a part of my life anymore.

  “Yeah,” I say exhaling. “I know she will, just…I don’t know… see how she takes that?” I suggest, not really sure how else we can explain it to her.

  “What we need to do is make sure she understands nothing happened,” Jared says, glancing back at Mia. “No threats or whatever, ‘cause I’m pretty sure she’ll lose her shit if she thinks what happened six years ago could happen again.”

  I smile at Jared’s words. My sister is funny like that, so protective, of both me and Jared. It’s why she did what she did over a year ago, breaking up with Jared, not telling either of us what had happened between her and Dad. It was a dumb fucking move on her part, and ultimately she paid the worst price because she lost the guy she loves and spent a year being incredibly unhappy. Thankfully they sorted all that out, but Jared’s right, the last thing we need is for her to get fired up over Dad showing his face again.

  “Yeah,” I say. “Definitely make sure she understands that this visit was nothing like before. There’s no way any of us needs to live through that shit again.”

  “You’re telling me,” Jared says.

  I turn to face him again, the tone in his voice saying so much more than his words. “Are you alright?” I ask, knowing Mia and I won’t be the only ones affected by Dad’s visit today.

  He shrugs, glancing at Mia again, before he looks back at me. “Dunno,” he says. “Seeing him again pisses me off, for so many reasons. And there’s so many things I’d like to say to the guy, you know.”

  I nod at his words. “I know, Jared, and I don’t blame you for feeling that way. What he did to you and Mia, was…”

  “It’s not just me and her,” Jared says, interrupting me. “It’s what happened six years ago too, to you,” he says, stepping outside now.

  I follow him onto the patio. “I know, J, I fucked up. I should’ve…”

  Jared stops, turns to face me as he puts a hand on my shoulder. “No dude, that’s not what I’m getting at,” he says, his voice low so the others won’t hear. “I mean what he did to you, to your face, to this,” he adds on, his hand clipping the back of my head now. “You can’t go down that path again, Luke.”

  And it’s with these words that I know I’m not the only one thinking about that fucked up morning six years ago.

  Track 20 (B side) – Invisible

  Sinking, falling

  Why do you treat me this way

  Angry and broken

  Never hear a damn word I say

  ∞

  The knocking on the door is relentless. I glance at the clock and see it’s just after seven in the morning. I wonder if Jared has lost his key because I don’t know who the hell else could be pounding on our door at this hour. I drag myself out of bed, pulling on a pair of sweats as I head out to the living room. Yanking open the door I’m literally speechless when I see the person on the other side. Fuck me, I never expected it to be him.

  “Luke,” is all he says, his voice laced with disappointment.

  I watch as he glances at both of my tattoos, staring at the design on my bicep, which is a creation of all the anger and resentment I feel for him. I remember drawing it over and over again as I made my way across the country, knowing I needed a permanent reminder of everything I was escaping. The music notes and lines were a design that came later, when I’d finally found something I was looking for. The two are a contrast, but also a reflection of the two biggest moments in my life. I will wear them forever but that’s exactly how I want it. I don’t ever want to forget what I left and what I found in the process.

  He finally looks back at me, his cold blue eyes piercing into mine like he’s trying to see right through me. I don’t know why he bothers, he’s never seen the real me. He’s never fucking wanted to and there’s no way I’m showing him now.

  “What are you doing here?” I finally ask, my voice firm, refusing to show any weakness.

  “I’m here to get you. To take you back to school where you belong.”

  “I’m not going back there,” I say, forcing myself to hold his stare. “I hated it and I’m not going back.”

  “Yes, Luke, you are. We pay good money for that school and I don’t appreciate you wasting it by running off when the going gets tough,” he says rolling his eyes like I’m a child. “What the hell did you think you were doing, disappearing like that?”

  “I made my own decision about my future,” I answer. “For once,” I add on, in case he doesn’t get it.

  “Well, that wasn’t your decision to make, Luke. And what the hell are these things,” he says, gesturing to the tattoos. “What have you done to yourself? Do you know how many diseases you could have?”

  Oh for fuck’s sake, is he serious? I feel my hand grip the doorknob hard, my knuckles cracking in protest. “I’m not a fucking idiot, Dad.”

  “Do not speak to me like that, Luke, especially when your behaviour says otherwise.” He stares at me in that same cold hearted way he always has. It used to scare me, intimidate me, which was exactly what he wanted. Not any more though, those days are over.

  “You know what,” I say, staring straight back at him. “Fuck you, Dad. I’m not really sure what you thought you were doing coming here, but I’m not going back with you. The sooner you understand that, the better.” I’m really fucking angry now. He is the last person I expected to see when I opened this door and I can’t help but wonder how he found me. I know Mia never would have said anything and there’s no one else who knows. Although really, given what I know about my dad, and everything he does for a living, I guess him finding me was inevitable.

  “Luke, I’m not going to say it again, don’t speak to me like that. Now get yourself dressed so I’m not forced to look at those ridiculous marks you’ve put all over yourself and hurry up.”

  I’m fuming now, absolutely fuming. “Go to fucking hell, Dad,” I yell at him. “I didn’t run because things got tough. I
ran because I couldn’t stand you, can’t stand the sight of you. I’m sick and fucking tired of you thinking you can tell me what to do or how to live. I’m not going back.”

  I watch as his face turns red, a sure sign that he is pissed. I don’t care. I made my decision a year ago and not only am I not going back, I’m sure as hell not backing down either.

  “Luke, I will not say this again. Get dressed. Pack your bags and let’s go.” His voice is like steel, cold and hard. I used to be afraid of that voice because I knew it meant the decision was made. It was the voice he used when he took me out of school and sent me to that other place. It was the voice he used when he decided on my future, and it was the voice he used when he explained why he hadn’t bought me a guitar, despite promising me one.

  I hated that voice and I still hate it now.

  “And I won’t say this again either, Dad. Fuck. You.” I go to slam the door, but he stops it, his hand pushing hard against it so it flings wide open, smacking into the wall. I watch as he takes a step towards me, wondering what the hell he thinks he’s going to do. We are the same height, the same build, but I have thirty years on him, so I’m not afraid. Plus I don’t actually think it will go that far, no matter what else has happened, the fuckhead is still my father. My own flesh and blood, as much as that thought disgusts me.

  “Last chance, Luke,” he growls.

  I laugh; I can’t help it. “Last chance for what?”

  And that’s when it happens. The one thing I honestly never expected him to do, would never have believed he could do. Evidently I don’t know my own father as well as I thought I did.

  “Fuck!”

  It’s fast and hard and I feel it all the way to the back of my skull. My hand comes up to my face, half protective mechanism, half I think just to see how much damage he’s done.

  “I won’t tell you again, Luke, and stop using that language.”

  “Why, you gonna fucking make me?” I spit at him. “You don’t get to fucking decide anything about me anymore, Dad, I’ve told you that.” I’m saying it deliberately now, just to spite him. I know damn well he hates the word; he hates any form of cursing. I’ve lived my whole life knowing that. But right now I just don’t give a shit.