Killer Kale Chips

by Patrice Lyle

  I laughed. "Your appetite's keester is always getting kicked." But with no detriment to his sculpted physique.

  Aunt Alfa noticed a group of tourists—obvious from their tennis shoes, fanny packs, and I Heart NY sweatshirts—headed toward the same restaurant. "Let's go, kids. I don't want to wait for a table."

  Tex, Brownie, and I scurried behind my ninety-one-year-old, Energizer Bunny auntie. We arrived a moment later to find her standing in the doorway with her arms crossed and her famous lemon-sucking expression plastered on her face.

  I gently grasped her elbow. "What's wrong, Aunt Alfa?"

  "They won't let Brownie inside." She sunk into her best pout, which was more practiced than any toddler. "Who do these Thigh people think they are?"

  "Don't worry, Aunt Alfa. We'll find a place who will seat Brownie." Maybe. I mean, most restaurants didn't allow piglets in. We'd been spoiled by Ocean Pasta back home, but the only reason they let us all in was because the owner, Pops, had a crush on Aunt Alfa.

  "Why don't we get take-out?" Tex suggested and glanced at Brownie.

  Brownie's little snout wiggled a few times while he stared at the restaurant where he'd been denied entrance. Wwwweeee!!

  I was going to add my agreement, but a familiar tune sounded behind us. The opening lyrics to Aunt Alfa's favorite vacuuming song, "Bossa Nova Baby," filled the night air.

  "Hey, there's that Elvis impersonator who won the arm-wrestling championship!" Aunt Alfa leapt out of Bangkok Noodles with her eyes sparkling beneath the overhead light. "Now that Snookums is out of the picture, maybe I should give Elvis a chance."

  Before I could say anything, Aunt Alfa darted into the urban park where Cooter was performing, clad in a spandex jumpsuit.

  CHAPTER SIX

  Bossy Nuvo, Baby

  Tex and I followed my auntie across the street. A small crowd had gathered around Cooter Jones, EP. A white-haired woman in a fitted purple muumuu sashayed up to a silver bucket painted with the word's Cooter Cash and threw in a few wadded-up bills.

  Cooter belted out "Bossa Nova Baby" while gyrating his hips like a zucchini shooting out of a vegetable spiralizer.

  I tugged Tex along because I had a few questions for Cooter that I intended to ask between sets. Had he mentioned the exchange of words between Veronica and me at the kale chip booth to the police? If so, why? Was he trying to shift attention away from himself?

  Tex lurched to a halt in his boots at the park entrance and flashed me his version of a pout. "I sure am starving, Doc. You want to hold Brownie while I grab us something for dinner? Pad thai sounded pretty good."

  Wwweee! I laughed at Brownie's agreement and took him from Tex's arms. "Aunt Alfa and I can share an order. No onions, please."

  He winked. "I know."

  Tex hustled off to get dinner, so Brownie and I joined Aunt Alfa. She was bebopping like a teenager, which made my eyes prick with tears. Seeing her having fun made the craziness of what had happened at the expo fade away.

  "Bossy nuvo, bossy nuvo, baby." Aunt Alfa's version of the famous lyrics drew Cooter's attention.

  He threw her his best EP look and gyrated toward her. They danced a little jig before he took Aunt Alfa's hand and twirled her. Once again, Cooter Jones drove the crowd nuts. A plethora of hoots and hollers erupted. Cooter and Aunt Alfa performed a few more twirls and ended the performance amidst a thunder of clapping.

  "Thank you. Thank you very much," Cooter said to the crowd.

  "You put on quite the show," Aunt Alfa gushed once the crowd had quieted down.

  "For a fortune teller, you sure know how to swing them hips." Cooter winked at Aunt Alfa.

  Aunt Alfa laughed and swatted Cooter on the arm. "For a younger guy, you sure know how to belt out an Elvis tune."

  He eyed her up and down. "Younger guy? Thanks, but darlin', I'm seventy-four. You can't be more than a spot older."

  "I'm aging well, Elvis." Aunt Alfa patted her foam rollers but declined to mention she was seventeen years older than him.

  I hated to break up the flirt-fest, but once Tex arrived with food, any chance of interrogation would be gone. I edged toward them. "Hey, Cooter."

  He turned and looked surprised to see me. "Dr. Piper, y'all enjoy my show?"

  "It was fabulous, but if you don't mind, I have a quick question before you start singing again."

  He nodded. "What'd you want to know?"

  "Did you tell the police about the verbal spar I had with Veronica Forks at the kale chip booth?"

  Aunt Alfa perched her hands on her hips. "What spar at what kale chip booth?"

  I relayed the story and ended with the part she already knew about: Detective Malone now suspecting me of having played a role in Veronica's suspicious death.

  Aunt Alfa swung her fire-shooting gaze to Cooter. "Well? Did you rat Pipe out?"

  "Had to, I's afraid." Cooter wedged his hands into his bling belt and rocked back on his heels. "I'm a retired policeman. Got me twenty-five years on the force."

  I grudgingly accepted his action was understandable, but I still wanted to know who told the detective about the period-bloated Barbie comment. Couldn't have been Cooter because he hadn't been present.

  "Plus, I gots me one of them minister ordainments on the Internet. A man of the cloth has to tell the truth, Doc."

  Aunt Alfa squealed and clasped her hands beneath her chin. "Wow, you tote a gun and a Bible." She gazed at this Elvis, all thoughts of him narking on me long forgotten.

  A cheesy smile spread across his face. "You like bein' a fortune teller?"

  Aunt Alfa waved the question away with a sassy grin. "For now, until something or someone better comes along."

  Poor Ming. Hopefully he was psychic enough to realize he was in danger of getting kicked to the other-world curb.

  Cooter crooked his neck toward me. "What's with the pig?"

  "That's Brownie. Isn't he cute?" Aunt Alfa gushed.

  Wwweee!

  I braced myself for an insensitive animal remark from Cooter, but surprisingly, Cooter lifted his nose and took in a deep breath. Brownie wiggled his snout and sniffed the night air.

  "Dinner's here." Tex strode up and showed us two white take-out bags decorated with the words Bangkok Noodles.

  "That was real nice of you, Tex." Aunt Alfa took one of the bags and walked to a nearby table set with four chairs.

  "Your bag has the plates and forks in it," Tex said.

  Cooter trailed behind Aunt Alfa toward the table. I didn't need a psychic to see where this was headed, however, my phone buzzed with a new text. It was from Ming, and I quickly read the message.

  You get cracking on the case of the death nut. Fork woman need to go to light but can't until death solved. Fork woman a real witch.

  Only Ming didn't use the word witch.

  I shook my head and slipped the phone back into my purse. Tex reached for Brownie, and I sat beside my fiancé. Cooter sat next to Alfa.

  "What's for supper?" Cooter eyed the food like a starving cave man.

  Aunt Alfa elbowed him. "Officer, you and me are splitting pad thigh."

  I thought Aunt Alfa and I were splitting the meal, but I guessed I'd share with Tex. As my fiancé, he was obligated.

  Cooter scrunched his face. "Pad what?"

  "Pad thai," I said and opened up the container nearest Tex. Strips of beef lay on top of a bed of rice noodles. That figured.

  Tex shot me a half-smile. "I know you don't eat beef, Doc, so I reckon Cooter and me can share."

  Cooter craned his neck. "Whatcha got there, cowboy?"

  Aunt Alfa reached for a napkin. "Tex likes thigh beef. I keep telling him that beef's acidic, but he's a Texan cowboy."

  "And I'm a southern boy who likes meat." Cooter lifted his plate and held it toward Tex.

  Ever the polite cowboy, Tex heaped a pile of beef and rice noodles on Cooter's plate.

  Cooter grinned. "Thanks."

  "No problem." Tex turned and placed Brownie on the ground. I
handed him a plate of pad thai that he offered to Brownie.

  Brownie scarfed a few bites and then lifted his snout and let out a loud wwwweeee!

  "Yer piglet eats people food?" Cooter asked.

  "Usually," I said, worried. I looked at Tex. "He probably wants the kale chips."

  "Kale chips?" Cooter nearly choked on his meals. Aunt Alfa opened a bottle of water and handed it to him. "Land sakes alive. Those things probably killed that Fork woman."

  "I know, but he loves them." This was going to be tough, but I would persevere. Brownie was my only child, after all. I had to keep him safe.

  Tex offered Brownie a piece of noodle, but Brownie refused it. Then he offered him a strip of beef, which Brownie wolfed down. Relief flooded me when Tex gave Brownie a pile of pad thai beef.

  Crisis averted.

  "So what's yer name?" Cooter asked Tex.

  Tex dipped his cowboy hat. "Tattoo Tex, but folks usually just call me Tex."

  Aunt Alfa handed me a plate of pad thai. "We're going to have to find a solution for Brownie's diet."

  "I know. He can't waste away." I took a bite. Mmm. The peanut sauce was to die for. I savored the rich flavor mixed with perfectly cooked rice noodles.

  "You want some more, Pipe?" Aunt Alfa held up the 'pad thigh' container.

  I shook my head. "I want to eat light so I don't feel too stuffed to try on dresses." Nothing was worse than overeating before facing the dressing room mirror.

  Aunt Alfa's face lit up. "This is so exciting. You two kids getting married."

  I nodded, and a grin stretched my cheeks to a chipmunk-preparing-for-the-winter state. Tex slipped his arm around me and dotted a kiss on my cheek.

  "Where're ya getting married?" Cooter swirled a glob of noodles around his fork.

  "We're thinking of having a destination wedding in Florida next summer," I said. "I found a gorgeous boutique hotel on the beach in south Florida."

  "It looks pretty thar and relaxing," Tex added. "Doc has talked me into a destination wedding."

  "Them can be nice, but the true destination of a wedding is in the heart."

  Aw. I blinked back sudden tears. Who knew Cooter could be so poetic? Perhaps I had allowed his good-ole-boy accent and skintight polyester jumpsuit to sway me into thinking of him as a redneck EP. This was a good lesson for me not to stereotype.

  Cooter leaned back and let out a small belch. "'Scuse me. My gut usually only erupts on fried food."

  Um, scratch that lesson.

  Aunt Alfa retrieved a small bottle from her fanny pack. "Here. Take some papaya enzymes for digestion."

  "Is you a doctor too?"

  "No, but I've got decades of experience as an aromatherapist."

  Cooter took the pills and shot us a quizzical look. "You health nuts are an interestin' breed."

  "You have no idea, Cooter. We have all sorts of tricks up our sleeves." Aunt Alfa shot him a grin and then looked at me. "You want to hit that dress shop soon, Pipe?"

  I looked at the time on my phone, and my stomach tightened. "According to the sign on the door, that princess place is only open for another hour. I'm ready if you are."

  Aunt Alfa wiped her lips clean and reapplied her lip gloss. "Let's scoot."

  I rose from my chair and gave Tex a peck on the cheek. "I'll text you when we're through."

  Tex rose. "I'll walk you and Aunt Alfa thar. Might not be safe in the big city."

  Aw.

  The four of us cleaned up, and Cooter noticed there was a bit of pad thai left in the container.

  "Y'all care if I polish this off?" Cooter asked, pointing at the leftovers.

  "Sure, Brownie won't eat it, so go ahead." Aunt Alfa glanced at Brownie. "We need to find something because he'll be begging for kale chips when we get home."

  "We'll try offering his piglet feed when we get to the hotel." Tex picked Brownie up and cradled him.

  I kissed Brownie's snout. We bid farewell to Cooter, who intended to put on an after-dinner performance, and then headed for the Princess Bridal shop. Light glowed through its windows, making it look like a beacon in the prenuptial night. Excitement pulsed inside. Would I find my dress here? I wanted to look amazing for Tex. My cell phone buzzed, making my chest tighten, but I refused to acknowledge Ming now.

  "Was that your cell, Doc?"

  Luckily we'd arrived at the shop, so I was able to avoid Tex's question. "I'll check my phone later."

  Tex leaned against the wall with one boot pressed against the building. "I'll wait here with Brownie."

  Aunt Alfa's eyes widened. "I thought we'd bring Brownie inside to get his opinion."

  I crossed my arms. "He can't be trusted around tulle. He's as crazy for tulle as I am for dark chocolate quinoa crisp."

  We were both addicts. Our vices were just different.

  Aunt Alfa reenacted her pout. "But he didn't like his dinner as much as usual. He needs something to make him happy tonight."

  Wwwweeee!

  I turned to see Brownie peering inside the bridal shop, his little snout pressed against the glass, and tulle-lust shining in his eyes.

  "No way are we unleashing him into a tulle buffet," I said, pointing at the danger zone inside the bridal salon. "Brownie stays with Tex. Period."

  I used my serious tone, and Aunt Alfa rolled her eyes. Then she pulled open the door and strode inside. I flashed Tex a smile and followed her.

  The scent of fresh lemon overcame me. Mmm. Invigorating. I glanced at a gorgeous beaded gown with a train longer than a car. I pictured standing before Tex in it. Then I glanced at the price tag. Holy chocolate babka. No wonder they scented the place with energizing lemon. Only hyped-up people would spend more money on a dress than a brand new car.

  No way I'd ever pay forty grand for a dress.

  "Sheesh, Pipe. The prices in here are crazy. Look at this one."

  I turned to see Aunt Alfa pointing at an exquisite gown crafted with enough bling and lace to outfit the women of a small country. "I say we try another shop."

  "They want forty large for that. Forty large!" Aunt Alfa scrunched up her face at the insanity. "You could buy like five homes in Shady Seas Estates for that price."

  Someone let out a loud poof of air.

  I turned to see a refined, elegant woman who looked like she belonged on the cover of some High Society Queen magazine. She dripped diamonds and gold, and her fitted sapphire dress seemed ideal for a royal portrait.

  She cocked her head and raised her eyebrows, displaying an unnaturally wrinkleless forehead. "I don't know where Shady Seas is, but I couldn't buy a new dining set for my house for forty thousand."

  "You're living too high off the hog," Aunt Alfa said. "I know a guy who bought seven homes at Shady Seas to use as rentals."

  She laughed. "What are they? Tin cans? Shacks?"

  "Of course not. They're single-wides." Aunt Alfa's tone was laced with the sentiment duh. "Two bedroom and one-and-a-half bath homes with nice brick-like wallpaper in the kitchens. Looks just like real brick too."

  A pinched look settled on the woman's face. "A trailer park? I think you might be in the wrong bridal salon, ladies."

  Aunt Alfa pushed up her sleeves and glared at the saleswoman. "How dare you insult me and my beautiful niece."

  I stepped beside Aunt Alfa. The last thing I wanted was for her to bust out a karate chop maneuver on this woman. Ms. Society Queen would call the police for sure. "Let's go, Aunt Alfa. It's getting late."

  "My only other suggestion would be to finance the gown. I can give you our credit application. The interest rates are reasonable." She gave us a fake smile after she made a last-ditch attempt to close the sale.

  Aunt Alfa snorted. "People my age don't take out credit. I might not live long enough to pay it off."

  My auntie was going to live forever, but she had a point.

  The saleswoman bristled but remained silent, only because the door swung open and someone hurried inside.

  "Excuse me, please," a woma
n with a squeaky voice said. "I need to cancel a wedding gown order for Veronica Forks."

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  Barracuda Bridal

  I recognized that squeaky voice. It was Ruby.

  "I wonder who Veronica was marrying and when?" I whispered to my auntie.

  Aunt Alfa furrowed her skinny white eyebrows. "I don't know, but a dead woman can't get married."

  "Good point."

  Ruby slunk toward the counter and removed a piece of paper from her purse. The saleswoman approached her, took the receipt, and announced that she would need to speak to the manager. She strode toward the back room, leaving us alone with Ruby.

  Aunt Alfa elbowed me. "That saleslady sure has a lot of attitude for not even being a manager."

  I agreed and then whispered that I'd seen Ruby hustling out of the exhibit hall around the time Veronica died.

  Aunt Alfa's eyes widened. "You mean she could have whacked Veronica?"

  I shushed her, but it was too late. Ruby turned and gawked at us. I gave a fake wave and approached her.

  "Hi, I'm Dr. Piper, from the expo." Where your boss just dropped dead.

  Ruby glanced toward the window. Planning an escape already?

  I decided to move in for the interrogation kill. "When was Veronica's wedding?"

  "Excuse me?" The poor girl's voice did sound like a chipmunk.

  I crooked my neck toward the back room where the saleslady had disappeared. "You said you were canceling a wedding dress order?"

  "Oh, yeah."

  "Not a big talker," Aunt Alfa said. Then her cheeks flushed, and I wished we could have sunk into the floor.

  Of course Ruby wasn't a big talker. That squeaky voice would shut even the most hyperactive extrovert up.

  I ignored the blunder and plowed ahead. "I heard Veronica was seeing Oscar. Is he the groom?"

  She shook her head and avoided my gaze. "Veronica asked me to cancel the dress before she, um, passed."

  Interesting.

  I leaned against the counter and struck my friendliest I swear I'm not out to get you pose. "I couldn't help but notice earlier today when I saw Veronica's body that you were bolting for the back entrance of the exhibit hall."