Killer Kale Chips

by Patrice Lyle

  Tex elbowed me. "Can't be too long 'cause I saw her buying a big old jar of Dream Cream at Duane Reade today."

  Helena's jaw tightened. "That's a lie."

  "Cameras don't lie." I asked Tex to show her the candid shot, which he did. "Certainly looks like you, doesn't it?"

  Helena gulped. "I figured since Veronica was dead that I didn't have to be so careful. Willow already knew anyway."

  "Why'd you tell her?" If I were Helena, I wouldn't have told anyone.

  "I had to have someone to commiserate with," Helena said with a sigh. "Veronica found out about my Dream Cream usage and started blackmailing me. My company does really well, so Veronica demanded lots of cash."

  "What did you sympathize with Willow about?" I asked. Dream Cream blackmail and divorces weren't the same.

  She let out a sharp laugh. "That horrible wench Veronica stole Willow's husband. You can't blame either one of us for hating her."

  Yeah, but I could blame either one of them for killing her.

  Tex cast me a sideways glance before asking Helena a pointed question. "How much was the blackmail?"

  Helena's eyes narrowed. "Ten grand a month."

  Tex let out a whistle, and my jaw dropped.

  "That gives you a motive to want her dead." I didn't say that to pressure her into a confession. It was the truth.

  "I didn't kill her." Helena sounded annoyed. "Yes, I hated her, but I'd never risk going to jail for her. Do you know you're only allowed a bar of plain soap in prison? No creamy cleanser, toner, day cream, night cream, or serum. Nothing but a bar of generic, skin-drying soap."

  "That's downright cruel and unusual punishment." A shiver shot down my spine. "Being behind bars sounds hideous enough but no facial products? Not to be rude, but do they allow Dream Cream?"

  Helena's eyes went cold. "No."

  Then a truly terrifying thought hit me. "Do they allow hair care products?"

  "Nope. So you can see," she said, gesturing at her display, "I'd never risk my complexion for that hideous wench. Ten thousand a month was better than aging ten thousand times faster a month in prison."

  Tex furrowed his brow. "Not sure I follow that logic."

  I, however, completely understood the logic. And it propelled me even more to find the murderer because the detective had suspected me of being the killer. I didn't want my complexion destroyed either, not to mention being away from Tex, Aunt Alfa, and Brownie.

  "Do you know anyone who could have killed her?" I wondered if she'd rat out Willow.

  "It wasn't Willow, if that's what you're implying." She squirted some organic lotion on her hands and offered me some.

  I took a dollop of the creamy lotion and drew my hands toward my nose. "Wow, that smells good."

  "It's frankincense and bergamot with organic almond oil as the base." Helena's voice swelled with pride.

  I pulled a twenty out of my purse to buy a bottle of the lotion. As she was packing it up, I asked, "Can you think of anyone who wanted Veronica dead that wasn't afraid of complexion death in prison?"

  Helena's face lit up, and she snapped her finger. "I know. Veronica told me something weird the night before the expo opened that I blew off."

  "I didn't think you talked to her?"

  "I didn't, but my blackmail was due, and I wanted to save on postage, so I hand-delivered it to her."

  Made sense.

  I stepped closer and took my purchase from her. "What'd she say?"

  "That her assistant Ruby was using a fake name."

  That surprised me. "What name?"

  She pressed her lips together for a quick second. "Esther somebody, I think."

  "With all her money, wouldn't Veronica have done a background check?"

  Helena shrugged. "I didn't care about Veronica, so I didn't think much about it at the time. But it could be a clue now that Veronica was murdered."

  * * *

  Tex and I left Helena's booth not sure what to believe. Tex thought the Dream Cream secret was worth killing over, but I disagreed. The toll that prison time would take on one's complexion seemed far more serious.

  "I don't think Helena would risk complexion destruction, Tex."

  "Maybe, but I reckon I don't believe that Ruby's using a fake name." Tex opened the door into the lobby for me. "Wouldn't we have seen it on the invoice?"

  I bit my lip. "Not necessarily. I think it only showed the bride and groom's name. That's not much help with the whole Ruby-alias thing."

  Something flashed in my peripheral vision just then. I peered at the lobby bar where two women sat at a corner table chatting.

  I elbowed Tex. "Look. There's Ruby and Callie together." Interesting that they knew each other.

  "I say we go over there and ask Ruby thar about her alias."

  "Great idea."

  Tex steered me toward our destination. I loved how perfect we were together and that he supported my part-time PI status. A lot of men would have thought I was being nosy but not Tex. He was always by my side and, more importantly, unwaveringly on my side. Something I'd never experienced with a boyfriend before.

  "Hi, Ruby," I called out as we strode across the bar toward their corner table. The closer we got, I realized I didn't have an opening for barging into their conversation.

  "I don't think we've met," Tex said to Ruby once we'd arrived at the table. "But I saw you come out of the bridal store the other night."

  Callie scowled. Time hadn't healed the Ken and Veronica wedding wound yet.

  Ruby eyed us carefully. "I don't recall you being at the store." Her voice was a wee bit less squeaky.

  Was I imagining that? Maybe I was getting too jittery to solve this case. I mean, now that I'd realized my complexion was at risk.

  Tex nodded. "I was outside because I'm marrying this beautiful lady here." He gestured at me, making me blush.

  "Yes, we're planning a destination wedding," I said. "But we're still not sure which destination."

  "We'll figure it out," Tex said, giving me an interrogate her, Doc look.

  I turned to Ruby and dived in. "This might sound strange, but Helena said you're using an alias?"

  Ruby held my gaze a moment too long. "Why would she say that? Did you know Veronica was blackmailing Helena?"

  Callie sucked in a breath. "You're kidding."

  Ruby shook her head. "I had to collect the ransom check sometimes."

  "What was Veronica blackmailing a holistic esthetician for?" Callie's tone was incredulous.

  Ruby looked at us. "Is the secret out?"

  "I don't know that it's out." I gestured toward Tex. "But we know, and apparently Willow knows, but I'm not sure that qualifies as a public announcement."

  Ruby leaned toward Callie. "Helena sells her own line of expensive organic skin care products but only uses Dream Cream on herself."

  Callie gasped. "You're kidding! I picked up one of her brochures today. She claimed all she uses is her own line."

  "Yep, and Veronica loved having the Dream Cream dirt." Ruby's face hardened. "That woman was ruthless. She didn't care who she hurt or how long patients had to wait."

  Patients? That surprised me. "I didn't think that tuning-fork practitioners could legally refer to clients as patients?"

  "Veronica did whatever she wanted." Ruby picked up a glass of red wine and took a long sip. "Her clinic website talks about her patients."

  As I considered checking out Veronica's website, I realized that Ruby had employed another favorite tactic of mine.

  Diversion.

  Worked like a charm.

  I flashed her a smile. "So, back to the alias, do you know why Veronica told Helena that you were using an alias?"

  Ruby gave me a fake smile over the rim of her wine glass before she set it on the table. "It was a misunderstanding. My middle name's Esther, and I was thinking of making that my first name. I tried it out, and Veronica went all psycho on me."

  Veronica going psycho seemed legit, but when my mind tried to put t
he pieces together, they wouldn't fit.

  "What'd you do? Legally change your name? Change your email?" Trying out a name didn't qualify as using an alias.

  "A friend of mine called and asked for Esther, and Veronica freaked. It was no big deal. Plus, it's old news." She reached into her purse and removed a sandwich bag filled with peach-colored chips. She offered some to Callie, who accepted, but I declined. After the murder, I wasn't in the mood for any chips.

  I took her gesture as our signal to scoot though.

  "Thanks, and enjoy your evening," I said to Ruby and Callie.

  Ruby shot me a hard-to-decipher look. "Let me know if you want to know anything else about my murdered boss."

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Cyanide & Buggy Rides

  "What do you make of Ruby?" I asked Tex when we stopped in front of the lobby fountain where several tiny marble cherubs blew water out of their pursed lips.

  He mulled over my question. "She's a hard one to read, and I hope I don't think that because of her squeaky voice. I wouldn't feel right."

  "I agree she's hard to figure out, but it has nothing to do with her voice." I replayed our conversation in my mind, and one thing stuck out like a piece of divinity sitting on a tray filled with fudge. "Don't you think her voice sounded a wee bit less squeaky?"

  He shook his head. "Not to be mean, but her voice's worse than my rig when it needs grease."

  Tex's heart would never allow him to ridicule anyone, but his comment was funny. It was so Tex to compare stuff to his truck.

  "Maybe I was imagining her voice was less squeaky," I said.

  "You just wanted it to be, Doc. So her life wouldn't be so painful, and she'd be free of ridicule."

  "Veronica was terribly mean to Ruby, calling her Alvin from The Chipmunks. That kind of mean-spirited mockery could fester and create motive."

  He grimaced. "I reckon you're right. Plus, she got stiffed on the wedding dress deposit from a year ago."

  "Hmm." Had we just chatted in the lobby bar with the killer? Anything was possible on a murder case. History had taught me to go along for the PI ride because you never knew where a clue would lead.

  My cell phone rang, and I retrieved it from my purse. "Speaking of painful, I think that detective might be calling me. The caller ID shows NYPD."

  Great.

  I hit the talk button. "Hello?"

  "Dr. Piper, this is Detective Malone."

  I nodded to Tex that it was the detective, as I'd suspected. "What can I do for you, detective?"

  "Is electrolyte water important or a just a crazy fad?" She sounded dead serious.

  My mouth dropped. Was she really asking me a wellness question instead of a police question? "Excuse me?"

  "I read on your website that water's best absorbed when it has electrolytes in it. Is that really true?"

  I rolled my eyes. Why would I put something on my website that wasn't true? I didn't respond that way, however. "Yes, it's really true. Filtered water is stripped of everything, so you need to add back the electrolytes your body needs for optimal absorption."

  "Add back for optimal what?" It sounded like she was taking notes.

  I repeated my statement and wondered if she was serious about health or if it was her roundabout way of tricking me into something.

  "Did you get it?" I asked, erring on the side that she actually was interested.

  "Yeah, and what about organic food? Legit or a hoax?"

  "Legit," I said. "The pesticides in nonorganic food aren't health promoting and can contain phytoestrogen, which can cause hormone imbalance."

  Tex furrowed his brows and mouthed the words, why's she asking you that, Doc? I shrugged. I truly had no idea.

  "Thanks, Dr. Piper. I appreciate it."

  "No problem." I figured our relationship was based on a mutual exchange of information, so I might as well ask her a question. "If you don't mind, detective, can you give me an update on the murder case?"

  Detective Malone blew out a breath. "Lab results show that the kale chips were laced with enough cyanide to have killed a small village. That's why the victim's skin was red."

  I shivered. Poisoning proved the killing had been premeditated for sure. "How did the cyanide get into the kale chip bag?"

  "It was obviously tampered with, which is a question I'll be asking Ken." A rustling of papers came over the airwaves. "Especially after that blog of Veronica's went live. His mafia background doesn't bode well for him nor does the cancelled wedding."

  I couldn't argue that even though my inner PI somehow knew Ken was innocent.

  However, there was nothing for me to say except, "Thanks for the information, detective."

  "Thank you, Doctor Piper. I appreciate the health information you shared."

  "Anytime." I hung up and shared the news with Tex.

  "Cyanide?" he said, sounding shocked. "That's scary."

  It was indeed.

  "How do you even get cyanide, Doc?"

  "Probably the Internet," I said. "Sure looks like Ken might be in some real trouble now."

  "I reckon so." He glanced at his boots for a moment and then looked at me. "I think you might need to face the facts that Ken might have killed her."

  "I don't know, Tex. He seems so nice, but then again, I saw how angry he was with Veronica at the kale chip booth."

  "Sometimes the most obvious suspect's the killer, Doc."

  "True, but my PI flash cards say to follow the evidence. And the Dream Cream blackmail is important." I reached for my phone and dialed Detective Malone back. "I can't believe I forgot to tell her about that."

  All I got was her voicemail, so I left a message and hung up.

  "I know it's silly, but I don't want the killer to be Ken. He's a hippie surfer dude who cares enough about wellness to offer the world a healthy snack."

  Tattoo Tex tilted my chin. "He was also caught harboring a federally endangered sea turtle. You can't forget that."

  "Yeah, but I bet there's more to that story." I'd have to ask Callie.

  "I have an idear." He sounded excited.

  I turned toward him, enthused. "What?"

  "How about we forget about murder and mayhem for a little while and take a carriage ride through Central Park?"

  I shot him a smile. "I'd love to, cowboy."

  * * *

  A short while later, after I'd talked to Aunt Alfa, who had assured us she and Brownie were fine and he'd actually eaten some of his piglet food, Tex and I were snuggled together in a horse-drawn carriage as it rolled through Central Park. I was happy we'd snagged a late-night ride because the stars lit up the night and cast a romantic glow around us.

  "This is more like what I was picturing for our first trip to New York City, Doc," Tex said, pressing a kiss on my cheek. "Seeing the famous sights with my gorgeous bride-to-be and planning our wedding."

  The way he said New York City reminded me of the guys on the Old El Paso commercials. Looking at Tex would make it easy to brush him off as a country-loving boy who subsisted on steak, potatoes, and milk.

  Well, I guessed that part had been true during Tex's LBP—Life Before Piper—but he was far more open to my holistic lifestyle than his boots and cowboy hat suggested. He'd never once complained about me switching him from beef to buffalo, white potatoes to sweet potatoes, and cow's milk to cashew milk. I wouldn't have complied if he'd tried to pry me from my naturopathic lifestyle toward his.

  Just another item on the long list of things that me deliriously happy to become Mrs. Tattoo Tex.

  "The sight's amazing tonight, and it has nothing to do with Central Park," I said, returning the kiss and gazing at his Texan-god profile. "I don't know how I lucked out snagging you."

  He laughed. "I'm the lucky one."

  "We both won the love lottery."

  We kissed, and the driver glanced back at us with a sick-to-his-stomach look on his face. Oh well. I wasn't suppressing my giddy-in-love-with-my-fiancé happiness for anyone. This expo had sh
own that life was too short. I knew that Tex wanted to forget about the murder case and enjoy life tonight, but the carriage driver had sparked an idea.

  Yes, Ken's suspect-ness was high on the detective's list and for good reason, but what about Callie? When Tex had mentioned the wedding dress to Ruby in the bar, a nasty look had settled on Callie's face. The old saying "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" existed because, like all stereotypes, it contained an element of truth.

  But to truly be a woman scorned, Callie needed to be in a relationship with Ken. And I'd gotten no indication of a relationship between them. Hmm.

  "Earth to gorgeous Doc." Tex's sexy voice interrupted my PI thoughts.

  I shot him a sideways glance. "Sorry, the Forks case captured my mind again. I was wondering if anything had ever gone on between Callie and Ken?"

  "Like a relationship?"

  "Or a fling or a case of unrequited love from a distance?"

  Something caught Tex's attention. "Speaking of at a distance, look thar." He pointed to a small group of people talking near a bench across the way.

  I craned my neck. "Is Ken with Ruby and Callie?"

  "I reckon so." Tex leaned forward and tapped the driver on the shoulder. "Can you drive this buggy toward that group thar?"

  The driver gave Tex an annoyed glance. "That's off the guided route, sir. You paid for the forty-five minute tour of Central park for a fixed tour and a fixed price. Deviations from the package you paid for aren't free."

  His hint at extra money was brighter than the sheen of my engagement ring. I turned it again under the glow from the streetlamp in the park. So sparkly and pretty.

  Tex reached into his wallet and removed some cash. He handed it to the driver. "Will thirty bucks do you?"

  The turning of the carriage confirmed it would. Our buggy rolled off the path and onto the grass, the horse's hooves thumping along the greens. The little group was so engaged in conversation that they didn't notice us until the driver nearly ran into them. The horse reared and neighed.

  "Hey," Tex said. "Be careful."

  "Watch it, man." Ken held up his hand in warning. "There are like three people here, dude."