by Jessica Park
By the time Julie left Celeste’s bedroom, his rage was barely contained. Matt didn’t even want to look at her. He was disgusted with her and with himself. When she stepped close to him, he snapped. “Stay away from me. I can’t deal with you right now.”
“Matt….”
“I swear to God, don’t talk to me now. Don’t.”
“I’m so sorry. You have no idea.”
“I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear anything from you.”
“Matt, you know I love Celeste, and I would never have done anything to hurt her.”
“Well, you did.”
“If you would just let me explain again why—”
“You don’t stop, do you? You want to get into this? Fine. Let’s get into it. You thought you could just show up here and insinuate yourself into our lives? You can’t. And you also can’t act like I’m the bad guy. Like everything I do for her is somehow totally brainless.” He moved so that he was facing her, placing his body inches from hers. “I’ve busted my ass to keep Celeste in a stable place, and you just ruined it. You ruined her. God, Julie. You’re here for a few months, and you think that you know what is right for Celeste? Nobody asked you to fix anything. You can’t.” He ran his hands through his hair as he continued to unleash on her, not recognizing his own voice. “You can’t change this. And your constant reminders that you think we’re all completely crazy are not helpful. Do you get that? What is wrong with you? Don’t you have your own life to attend to? Or is this how you make yourself feel better about your crappy father, huh? You excuse the way he treats you for no good reason, and you love him based on nothing more than a few lousy e-mails a year.”
Matt couldn’t stop. He continued his vicious attack, hardly hearing himself or her, and speaking with no filter as he let free every ounce of anger.
When he was done, when he had torn her to the ground, he walked to his bedroom. “Go to hell, Julie.”
He shut the door, turned off the light, and got into bed. Despite the chill, he took off his T-shirt, one that Julie liked, and threw it across the room. It felt like an eternity went by as he lay on his back, in shock over everything that just transpired. Everything that he said. The fear that engulfed him tonight was more than any he’d felt before. Even when Finn died. It wasn’t about fear then, just grief. Deep, merciless grief. The fears around Celeste had built slowly and steadily over time, but they were different from tonight’s. That phone call…. Matt thought his heart might have stopped. And now it wouldn’t stop pounding.
He thought for a while, sorting through the things he yelled at Julie out in the hall. Striking out about her relationship with her father was cruel and unfair. It wasn’t his place, and he shouldn’t have even broached the subject tonight of all nights. Who was he to comment on parent-child relationships? Then he taunted her about Finn, about playing it safe and hiding online. Matt was a hypocrite.
Celeste is not your job. We’re not your job. We’re not your family.
Oh God, what had he done?
He’d been blaming Julie for all of this. But he was wrong about why. It wasn’t that Julie had gone too far with Celeste—or with Matt. It was that she had given them somewhere to fall from. They hadn’t had that in years. There hadn’t been anything else to lose until now. He was angry with her for giving him hope because now the crash hurt like hell.
I’ll never be what you want. You don’t like me? Then stay out of my life.
He didn’t want Julie out of his life. But he didn’t know if he wanted her in it. She pushed. God, she pushed so hard. It felt as though she disapproved of so much about Matt, but he could see that wasn’t the full truth. She did like him, but she also saw all of his shortcomings that he was already so painfully aware of. But maybe she pushed because she saw potential in all of them to live more vibrant, functional lives? Even him? Matt blinked back tears and tucked an arm under his head.
Everything was going to explode soon. He could feel it. There wasn’t much time left. Julie was right when she said that they couldn’t keep avoiding the real world. This false one was going to disintegrate, and he wouldn’t be able to stop it. It would happen by the end of the school year. He’d essentially set that deadline in a chat with Julie by telling her that Finn would be home for the summer. Matt needed this to be over. It all felt like too much.
His dark room was too empty, the quiet acutely painful. The clock on his nightstand clicked loudly while he lay still and waited for the worst of his agony to pass. He was good at squashing emotions, but tonight was tough.
Later, the door opened slowly. “Matt?” And then she was there, sitting on his bed. In the moonlight, he could see that she looked as wrecked as he felt. “Matty?”
His anger and his fear still hovered, but he looked at her.
“I’m sorry. Please. You have to forgive me.” Julie’s voice was breaking. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry,” she kept repeating. “Matty, please. You can’t be this mad at me. I can’t take it.” She dropped her head onto his chest and slid her arms under his shoulders, pulling him against her.
Matt’s eyes stung as she hugged him tightly, and he lay unmoving while she clutched onto him. He should push her away, tell her again to go to hell, because keeping her at a distance might be the smart move. He didn’t know anymore. Perhaps all of the choices he’d made since Finn’s death had been the wrong ones. Matt didn’t know who or what to trust, but he moved his hand to the back of her head and gently stroked her hair, trying to soothe her trembling.
“Shhh….” he said.
Matt was taken aback by how affected she was by what happened between them. Julie’s pain was not just about Celeste. It was about him. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you. You didn’t deserve that.” It was true. She didn’t deserve his hateful words when he was too cowardly to tell her the truth about anything. All she had been doing for months was to try to help.
She rested her cheek against his chest, still clinging to him, the warmth of her body against his bringing him relief and calm. Matt’s hand traveled from her hair to the top of her tank, over the straps and just grazing her skin.
“I was awful,” he continued. “Your relationship with your father is none of my business. Of course you love him, and you have every right to. What I said was unforgivable.” Matt kept his hand on her, starting to touch her shoulders and her back. He hoped that she could feel his sincere remorse. “You’re the best thing to happen to Celeste. She was lost before you got here. As if she didn’t belong anywhere. You’re saving her. I never should have said what I did.”
“No, I pushed her too much,” Julie said quietly. “And you. It won’t happen again.”
“You’ve been perfect. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can’t. Not yet.” It would happen. One day she would know everything, but not tonight. First they had to recover from this.
“I know. That’s all right.” Her hold on him stayed strong, but he could feel tension begin to ease from her body. Matt didn’t take his hand away for a second.
After a few minutes, Julie shivered a bit.
“Cold?” he asked.
“Yeah. A little.”
He slid his legs, and they moved together so that Julie was on her side, under the blanket with him, and resting her head in the crook of his hold. Matt stroked her arm, running his hand up and down, over and over. Her body pressed against his felt like the most natural thing in the world, and the way she fit against him as though they were made for this embrace was overwhelming. She took his hand in hers, intertwining their fingers, and squeezed.
He squeezed back.
“So we’re still friends?” she asked.
Friends. The worst word. But he would take it, because it was the most important thing. “Yes,” he said after a moment. “We’re still friends.”
Julie yawned. Their fight had drained both of them, and Matt wanted her to get some sleep. She had been through a lot tonight, too. And
if she stayed awake any longer, she would come to her senses and leave. He slowed his touch over her arm and shoulder and listened to her breathing change as she drifted off in his arms.
If he fell asleep, he would miss this. So he stayed awake and spent the next two hours trying to memorize what her body felt like next to his. When the truth came out, when his many lies were exposed, she would hate him for what he had done to her. She was worth so much more than his cowardice.
If things were different, if he could go back and do this right.
If Finn hadn’t died, if Celeste weren’t so troubled, if his parents weren’t withdrawn and stuck on compartmentalizing everything….
But Matt was the one to blame. He could have stopped this mess with Julie before it ever started. If he’d been strong enough.
Too many ifs.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered into the dark. Matt brought his lips to the top of her head and lightly kissed her.
Julie lifted her head slightly.
“God, I’m so sorry, Julie,” he murmured.
“Me too,” she said.
Julie raised her head more, bringing her mouth by his. He couldn’t breathe. What was she doing? She couldn’t be…. But she was, because she put her lips to his. They held still, delaying the moment that could change everything. They shouldn’t do this. It would be a mistake.
Matt placed his hand firmly on her waist and pulled her up. And then he kissed her. Her lips were incredible, and their kiss gentle and unhurried. He moved his tongue against hers, and she pressed her mouth harder against his, her response heating up their connection. Then she slid her leg over his and pressed her waist against him, bringing them even closer together. Her body moved up, her chest now against him, and he put his hand to her lower back, raking his fingers against her skin. Julie slid a hand behind his head and pulled him in even more. The heat and the intensity between them grew. Too fast.
Matt didn’t want to stop, and it was clear Julie didn’t either. More than anything, he wanted to roll her onto her back, and to take this further. He would slowly ease off her clothes. He would hold his body over hers, kissing her for ages, only eventually pulling away from her lips to work his mouth down her neck, over her chest, her stomach. Lower. He wanted to make love to her, to show her how adored she really was.
Julie’s breathing was picking up as he continued to kiss her, teasing her with his tongue, coaxing her into response. She wanted him, it was easy to tell. And he wanted her more than he ever could have imagined. This was not Julie with Finn. This was Julie with Matt.
He knew they could keep going. Given how she was moving against him, she wouldn’t stop it.
So he had to. Because Julie with Matt was too complicated. She didn’t know what she was doing. Her first time couldn’t be like this. Matt would never do that to her. This was not about just sex, although she had to be aware of how turned on he was….
He squeezed her hand one more time and pulled from her kiss, resting his head back on the pillow. He looked at her as he tucked her hair behind her ear. It was good that he had just stopped things because he saw enough shock and confusion in Julie’s eyes as it was.
She would probably come to her senses and leave now. Their fight, their horrible exchange of words out in the hall…. That was the reason for this late-night fooling around. It had to be. Feelings got mixed up in the aftermath of their fight. That was all. She loved the idea of Finn, not the idea of Matt.
But she didn’t leave. She put her head back on his chest. Matt wrapped his arms around her. Fall in love with me, Julie, as I fell in love with you, he willed her. Fall in love, fall in love, fall in love….
Only for tonight, they belonged to each other, so he would stay awake.
Even if this closeness was just a result of mending what broke during their fight, he would take this excuse to stay next to Julie, the girl who had an irrevocable hold on his heart.
He would save her having to wake up with him. He wouldn’t leave her until she started to stir. Then he would ease his body away, slip downstairs, and this would be over.
The Jump
Flat-Out Love Chapter 32 retold
Matt Watkins Sometimes I feel depressed that I've wasted so much time, and I'm still no closer to discovering the resonant frequency of the human head.
Julie Seagle just “checked in” to your heart.
Years ago, Finn told Matt what he should do. Let your world as you know it be blown to bits because you fall heart-crushingly head-over-heels for someone. Matt had done that. And then he’d fought as hard as he could not to lose her that day last spring when Julie walked out of his life. He’d fought as hard as he could, and it didn’t help. His conversation with Julie—when the truth came out and when he begged her to stay—played over and over in his head all summer. Her words kept him up at night.
This was never going to end well. You realize that, don’t you?
And you’re so broken.
And you hurt me.
We’re not anything, Matt. Not after this.
You’ve broken my heart twice.
Nothing that happened has been true.
If you loved me, you couldn’t have done this. You couldn’t have been so careless with me. You know pain and loss and hurt better than anyone. And that’s what you gave me. I know that it’s not the same. I know yours is worse. I’m so sorry for you, Matt. For your whole family. You’ve all been through hell. And you’ve been braver than anyone could. But I hurt now too. And I can’t love you.
Matt had kissed her, poured out his heart, pleaded with her to give them a chance. He threw everything he had on the table, and Julie left him anyway. Matt didn’t blame her.
He wrote to her many times, hoping that communicating by e-mail would be easier and that he might be able to reach her. She was worth the pain it took to write her because he would never love anyone this deeply. The only response he got was one message asking him not to be the one to bring Celeste to any of the meet-ups with Julie. Eventually he stopped writing. He finally accepted that she would never love him.
So he let her go.
But then this morning, she came to Celeste’s going-away party for Flat Finn. He knew she would be there, and he expected her to be tactful but cool. She wasn’t a vicious person, but she clearly wasn’t coming to the party for him. So he prepared himself to be as polite as she would surely be, and he also prepared to have his heart torn out again.
Instead she ran to him, right into his arms. Never had he been so shaken by love. And he heard words that changed everything.
I missed you.
It was always you. I thought it was somebody else, but it was you. You were the person I felt.
I love you.
I want to jump with you, Matt. For real this time.
The nightmare was over.
Right now, on what was turning out to be the most surprising and wonderful day of his life, Matt and Julie stood by the open door of the plane, the wind raging and the sky calling. She was strapped closely to him, her back pinned to his chest as they readied for their tandem jump. She looked adorable in her jumpsuit, helmet, and goggles, and her energy and excitement were palpable. He couldn’t believe that she wanted to do this with him. And not just the skydive.
It was loud in the cabin, but he put his mouth to her ear. “Are you scared?”
“No!” she yelled above the noise.
He smiled. “Are you scared?”
“Yes! Yes, I’m scared!” Matt could feel her laughing against him.
“I’m here! I’ve got you!”
She nodded hard. She knew.
Matt looked to his left to one of the instructors he’d known back when he jumped with Finn. He got a smile and a thumbs-up, so Matt walked Julie to the edge. He had never been so happy. “Do you feel the rush? You feel it?”
It took her a minute, but she nodded. She had to feel it. The clear day gave them a spectacular and expansive view. There was no denying how high they were or
what they were about to do.
The words he used as Finn came out. “You can do this. You’re strong enough, and you’re brave enough. You can do anything.”
She nodded again.
Julie crossed her arms over her chest, just like she’d been taught in today’s training.
Matt put his hand on her forehead and tucked her head back hard against his shoulder. “Here we go, tough girl.” He grabbed the metal bar above and rocked them back and forth. One, two, three times.
And then they jumped.
The fall was smooth. It must be happening in slow motion, Matt thought. It was quiet, the ripping noise of the air nearly inaudible.
Matt could feel Finn so profoundly in this freefall. The grief was still sharp, yes, but he was equally affected by how much he just damn adored Finn and how unbelievably lucky he was to have had the brother he did. Not everyone gets that. Matt had Finn’s love and playfulness and devotion when he was alive, and now, even after his brother’s death, Matt still had those in his heart. That was something pretty damn beautiful.
With Flat Finn folded and secured in the pack on his back, Matt knew that this freefall was for Finn, for Julie, for Celeste, for his parents, and for himself. He floated with Julie, just the two of them in the infinite sky, as together they healed in the aftermath of devastation.
He didn’t want it to end, but he was ready for the landing this time. “Hold on. I’m pulling the chute.”
“Woo hoo!” Her thrill rang loud in his head and his soul. Julie loved this. And she loved him.
He yanked the cord, jettisoning them up briefly as the chute opened, then slowing their descent so that they drifted.
The view was gorgeous, and the landscape in Western Massachusetts came into focus as they floated over acres of green foliage and grassy fields. There was so much out there, and Matt had been lost in his cloistered life for far too long. No more. It was time to reconnect, to explore, and to dream again. With Julie. Maybe they would travel this year? There were places to visit, new people to meet, experiences to savor. There was life to be lived.