But Alex had seated himself at the kitchen table, and Jack wasn’t about to leave him there alone. So for fifteen minutes, they’d been sitting across from each other, slowly eating pizza that neither of them seemed to want, and neither of them had spoken a single word.
Jeff would know what to say, Jack thought, but he did his best to shove that hurtful thought away. It only made the situation worse.
“I thought you might be upset,” Alex said, and the sound of his voice—even though he spoke quietly—startled Jack out of his melancholic musings. “Going for the first time and…you know…thinking about how Dad won’t be going anymore.”
Jack opened his mouth to say that that wasn’t why he was upset, and realized that he couldn’t. Alex was right, at least in part. Parent-teacher conferences were more milestones that Jeff would miss, and it wasn’t fair. “It’s always hard, thinking about everything he should be here for and isn’t,” Jack said.
“I probably made it worse, talking about him with Mr. S. I didn’t mean to make you—”
“Hey,” Jack said, reaching out to cover Alex’s hand on the table. “Don’t ever feel like you have to watch what you say around me. Besides, you and Ga—Mr. Santiago, you share memories that I wasn’t a part of. There’s nothing wrong with that. I like hearing you laughing at good memories, Alex. It’s possible to be happy and sad at the same time, I think. You know what I mean?”
“Yeah,” Alex said, looking at his pizza. “It’s just that—”
The sound of Jack’s phone was loud, startling both of them, and Jack snatched it off the table, quickly flipping the button to silence the ringtone. Gabriel’s face was on the screen, and Jack hesitated with his thumb over the answer/ignore options. “Sorry,” he told Alex.
“Did that just say…I wanna be your loverboy? What even is that?”
Jack turned the unanswered phone facedown on the table with a pang of guilt and regret. “Are you asking what a loverboy is?” he asked with a half-smile at Alex.
“Funny. No.”
“It’s an eighties song, Billy Ocean,” Jack answered, running a hand through his hair and then scrubbing his face.
“Okay,” Alex said. “And do you have that ringtone for everyone…?”
“No,” Jack answered, looking at his son. He knew that this conversation was long overdue, but it had now become more complicated than he’d foreseen. He fidgeted with his phone, trying to find the right words.
“Are you…like…dating someone…?” Alex asked.
“I…” Jack hesitated. “I’ve been…interested in dating someone,” he finally said. He regretted the pizza as the acid in his stomach burned. “But it’s complicated. Even more complicated than I thought it was, and to be honest I don’t know what I want or what I’m ready for.”
Alex was silent while he processed this information. “It’s been a long time,” he finally said, quietly.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” Jack said, although that wasn’t entirely true. Some days, it felt like only moments had passed since Jeff’s death, and the grief was sharp and fresh. Other days, however, it seemed as though a lifetime had slipped by. “I loved your father, Alex,” he said, and now his eyes were burning along with his stomach. “You know that. I do love him, I always will.”
“He wouldn’t want you to be alone forever,” Alex said.
“I know,” Jack answered. “It’s just hard to think about being with someone else.”
“But you have a song about a loverboy on your phone,” Alex said. “I know it doesn’t really matter what I think, but it’s okay with me if you start dating.”
“First of all, of course it matters,” Jack said. “Secondly, it’s…”
“Complicated, yeah.”
Jack regarded him, debating. “Alex, if I tell you something, I’m going to trust you not to discuss it with anyone, alright? I know I can trust you…”
“Is it Mr. S?” Alex asked.
Jack blinked at him, surprised. “What?”
“Is Mr. Santiago gay, or…bi or…something? You pretended not to know him but something was weird.”
“I didn’t—I wasn’t—” Jack paused, closing his eyes for a moment to regroup. He let out a breath and met his son’s eyes. “I didn’t mean to pretend or—or hide things from you, Alex, I just wasn’t sure what he’d be comfortable with. As I understand it, he hasn’t told anyone except his family. And it’s not my place—not anyone’s place—to out him before he’s ready.”
“I don’t understand,” Alex said, running his hands through his hair. “He’s been married forever. And…you didn’t know he’s my teacher?”
“No, I didn’t know, and believe me, I’ve been beating myself up about that. I should’ve been more involved in school stuff—”
“That’s not what I mean,” Alex interrupted with a frown. “I just—I’m just confused. Like, how did you meet him if it wasn’t because of school? How did you…how did he…I don’t understand,” he repeated.
“I’m sorry, Alex.”
“You’re—You don’t have to be sorry for liking someone.”
“It was one thing when he was just some guy I met,” Jack said. “But your teacher, and someone that your father and I talked about—without me even realizing—”
“Dad knew him,” Alex said, this realization finally hitting him. Jack saw his son’s expression soften in sympathy, and it was almost too much to bear. In his kindness, Alex looked the most like Jeff. “I guess that’s weird, but…it’s not like they were friends. Dad called him Mr. S, he called all the other teachers by their first names.”
“He respected him. I mean, he respected all your teachers, but—”
“I respect him, too, it doesn’t mean I want to date him.”
Jack smiled. “Jeff didn’t want to date him, either, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“You’re not saying Mr. Santiago wanted him, right, because I don’t think he would ever—”
“Alex,” Jack cut in quietly. “This isn’t something you need to be worrying about, okay? He’s your teacher, you like him, I know that. And I’m not saying anything bad about him, believe me. He’s a good guy. It’s just…complicated.”
“Yeah, I like him,” Alex said. “I talk to him about…stuff I can’t say to you. I like him, but I love you, and Dad would want you to be happy. So do I.”
Jack was leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his wrists on the table, his forehead creased in a frown. “You can talk to me about anything, Alex,” he said. “I know maybe you and I didn’t talk about some stuff the way you and your dad did, but—”
“It’s not that,” Alex said. “It’s just that…you’re the only one who misses him even more than me, and I don’t want to do or say anything to make you sadder.”
Jack lowered his chin and closed his eyes. “Alex,” he said. “I…know I’ve made mistakes…” He opened his eyes and, reaching out, took Alex’s hand in both of his. “I love you. No matter what happens with Gabe or anyone else, nothing will ever be more important than you, than me and you, okay? You can talk to me about anything. Anything. Always. It’s not your job to protect my feelings.”
Alex offered a smile. “Sure it is,” he countered. “That’s what family does, right?”
Jack couldn’t argue with that logic. “Well,” he said. “You’ve always been smarter than me. But you don’t have to worry. We’re going to be fine. I’m…I’m going to be fine, Alex. Even wanting to date again, that’s a big step and it’ll take some getting used to for both of us, but it’s not something you need to worry about.”
“But you like him,” Alex said. “Mr. S. You liked him before you knew he was my teacher.”
“Yes,” Jack answered. “But it’s different now.”
“Wouldn’t…” Alex started, but he hesitated, looking unsure.
“Go ahead,” Jack said.
Alex looked down at their hands on the table. “Wouldn’t it be better…” He paused again, then took
a breath and forced his eyes up to Jack’s. “Dad liked him, respected him, you said. I think he’d…I think he’d be happy if it was…if it was someone like Mr. S…”
Alex had tears shining in his eyes, and Jack’s own vision blurred in response. He tightened his grip on his son’s hand. “That’s part of the problem,” he admitted, barely audible. He struggled to swallow around the lump in his throat. “It’s…one thing to meet somebody, be attracted to them. It’s like a first step that I didn’t know I was ready to take until I took it.”
“You just wanted to sleep with him?” Alex asked, before immediately grimacing and adding, “I don’t need to think about Mr. S like this.”
Jack managed a smile. “I’m not exactly comfortable with this, either, but we need to talk about it. And for the record, it wasn’t just wanting to sleep with him. I liked him. He’s a nice guy, as you know. But being ready to take a first step is not the same as being ready to jump in with both feet.”
“He’s getting a divorce.”
“Yes.”
“He must be scared, too,” Alex said.
“Yes,” Jack breathed, feeling a stab of pain as Gabriel’s face swam into his mind. “Which is why he deserves someone more…emotionally stable, someone who’s ready—”
“Someone who actually likes him.”
“I do like—” Jack stopped, biting his lip.
“Maybe I don’t understand love like you do,” Alex said, “so maybe Dad would rather you just want to sleep with somebody you don’t even care about.”
Jack let out a shaky breath, staring at his son. “Jesus,” he said softly.
“Sorry,” Alex said with a wince.
“Nope,” Jack answered, shaking his head. “Don’t apologize, you’re…you’re right, of course. It’s just hard to think about the possibility of feeling something for someone the way…”
“Loving someone else, you mean,” Alex said gently. “You can say the words. Are you in love with Mr. Santiago?”
“No,” Jack said. He hesitated. “No, I barely know him. But…I think I could, and that scares the shit out of me,” he admitted.
“If you’re not ready, don’t do it,” Alex said. “I can’t…I mean I’ve never thought about it because he’s…he’s married to Mrs. S and I never knew, or I never thought, but…you deserve someone nice and so does he. Someone who doesn’t ignore his calls,” he added, glancing at the phone on the table. “It must be super weird for him, too, finding out who you are. He talked to Dad about you.” Alex made a face. “God, he talked to me about you. This must be so weird for him.”
“We’ll figure it out,” Jack said, trying to convince himself as much as Alex. “Gabriel and I, I mean. We’ll talk. You don’t have to worry. Your relationship with him is between you two, and you and I—”
“I asked him how to help you,” Alex interrupted. “You used to go in your room and cry and I didn’t know how to make you feel better. I wanted to come in but I didn’t think you wanted me to know. The one thing I was more afraid of than anything was that I was gonna lose you, too. That you didn’t want to live without him.”
“Jesus Christ, Alex, I am so sorry,” Jack said, turning Alex’s hand over in his.
“But you always came out and…and…and made dinner or breakfast,” Alex said, and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. “You checked my homework and…and bought the stuff I needed for school, and you were going to work and…you were doing your best, and you were doing it for me. That’s what Mr. S said. And…he told me this thing he read somewhere, about grief, or whatever. He said it’s like there’s a box, and there’s a little pain button inside, and grief is like a ball inside the box. And at first, it’s huge, it takes up the whole inside of the box and it’s always pushing the button. And the ball gradually gets smaller as time goes by, and sometimes you can go a long time without it hitting the pain button, but then sometimes when you’re least expecting it…I don’t know, I don’t think I’m telling it right, but it made sense when he said it.
“And anyway he said that all you can do when you care about someone is let them know that you’re there if they need you and just wait for things to get easier because you can’t ever really take away the pain. And that’s what you’ve always done—I always know you’re here if I need you, no matter how tired or sad you are, if I come to you then you’ll do whatever I need. But I can help you, too, Dad, I’m not a little kid. You don’t have to hide away when you’re upset. You can talk to me, too.”
Jack got up and, stepping around the table, pulled Alex to his feet and into a hug. Jack kissed his temple, holding him so tightly that neither of them could breathe. “I’ll do better, Alex,” he murmured against his son’s hair, finally loosening his grip a little. “I promise.”
“I know you do the best you can,” Alex said. “I know you miss him so much you can’t breathe. I do, too, but it’s different for me. I still have you, but you’re all alone.”
Jack sniffled wetly. “I’m not alone, I have you.”
“I know it’s not the same. You have to do everything by yourself now, take care of me and pay the bills and everything, and you have to try to fall asleep alone after sleeping with the same person for seventeen years.”
Jack couldn’t breathe. He pulled back to look at Alex’s face.
“Mr. S told me that,” Alex said. “He said the way someone loves their husband or wife is different than the way they love their kids or their parents or anyone else. It’s a partnership and you always know you can depend on the other person. There’s this quote by F. Scott Fitzgerald, and I don’t know, you probably know it, that says ‘There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.’ Mr. S said you love me more than anything in the world and that you would cut out your own heart for me. Don’t do that, by the way,” he added with a small, wet smile.
“He said even though he never met you, he knew you were a good father by the way me and Dad both talked about you. But he said that losing Dad was like losing half of yourself and you probably didn’t feel like you were enough anymore, that you couldn’t be enough for me all by yourself. And he knew that I thought maybe I wasn’t enough for you, either,” he added. He made a small sound when Jack pulled him back into a tight embrace. “He explained it so I could understand. That’s how I know that if you just tell him you’re not ready or whatever, he’ll understand. His biggest thing is communication. And honesty.”
Alex paused, and then said, quietly, “I hope he doesn’t feel that way. Mrs. S didn’t die, but they’ve been married a long time. I hope he doesn’t feel like getting a divorce makes him…not good enough, or whatever.”
He feels like a failure, Jack thought, and he knew it was true. And even though his wife is still alive, I guarantee he’s lying awake at night, mourning the loss of their marriage, feeling heartbroken and alone and scared to death of what the future might hold. And guilty, for not trying harder, for not giving more of himself. As if he had any more to give.
“And especially if…” Alex pulled back, and Jack let him go. “Is he afraid of people finding out that he likes guys? Can I tell him I know? So I can tell him it’s okay?”
“If you want to talk to him about it, that’s up to you and him. I know you’ll respect his choice if he doesn’t want to, just like I know you won’t say anything to anyone but him. I don’t say this enough, Alex, but I’m proud of you. And your father was, and would be, proud of you. We were young and stupid when you came along. We thought we were ready and knew what we were getting into, but I think we learned more from you than you ever learned from us.”
“You sorry you didn’t have more kids like you wanted?” Alex asked. “Or glad when you got one perfect one?” he added with a smile.
“Both,” Jack said, slapping him lightly on the cheek. “Now come on and finish your pizza and we’ll watch a movie or something. Don’t worry about me and Gabe, okay? I’ll talk to him.”
“Okay,” Alex said, dropping in
to his chair.
As soon as I figure out what to say, Jack thought.
***
I get the feeling you don’t want to talk to me, and that’s fine. I know that things are more complicated now. You don’t have to answer this, I just want you to know that I hope you’re ok and if you do want to talk, I’m here. Goodnight, Jack.
Jack wrote half a dozen responses to Gabriel’s text, deleting each one without sending a single word. He was in bed; the room was dark except for the glow of his phone. He didn’t know what to say, because he didn’t know what he wanted.
He did know that he didn’t want to hurt Gabriel’s feelings, and trite platitudes like it’s not you, it’s me would probably do more harm than good.
Who are you kidding? he thought. You don’t know what you want? Bullshit. You just don’t want to admit it. Jack closed his eyes. Don’t be a fucking coward.
That was Jeff’s voice, but those weren’t his words. It was only a trick of Jack’s mind. He knew that, but it was still effective. The words cut, and hurt. I don’t want to admit it, he thought. How could I? How could I want anyone else?
No one’s saying you’re supposed to marry the guy tomorrow. Just be open to feeling something, Jack. You promised me.
Jack scrunched his eyes closed as tears leaked from the corners and rolled down to the cups of his ears. For the better part of a year, he’d thought he was doing better, coping alright. Ever since meeting Gabriel, he’d been falling apart all over again, and he was terrified to examine what that might mean.
You promised me, Jeff’s voice whispered.
***
I heard this song and thought of you. I wasn’t going to send it because it’s probably inappropriate now, but this might be my last chance, so here it is. If I don’t hear back from you, I won’t contact you again unless it’s as Alex’s teacher. It’ll be ok, Jack. If you want to talk, the invitation to dinner still stands. If not, thank you for being a friend when I needed one.
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