Gabriel stood, unmoving, afraid that his face—maybe his whole, stiff body—would crumble into pieces on the shiny linoleum if he drew too deep a breath. Jack’s gaze sharpened on his face, and he took a step forward. Then he hesitated, unsure if Gabriel would accept his comfort.
“Yeah,” Alex said, also recognizing the look on the teacher’s face. “This isn’t your fault, Mr. S,” he said. “You saved her life.”
Gabriel met Alex’s eyes and reached out, putting his hands on the boy’s shoulders. “This is not your fault, Alex,” he said quietly. “Look me in the eyes and tell me you know that.”
Alex swallowed several times. “I know,” he mumbled. “I’m just…we’re all just glad you were there.”
Tears pricked Gabriel’s eyes, and he cleared his throat—carefully, so carefully, holding himself rigid. He somehow managed a smile, though it felt alien. “You kids take care of each other tonight,” he said. “And be patient when your parents don’t want to let you off the phone, alright?”
They nodded, heading toward the door in huddled groups. Alex hesitated and touched a hand to Gabriel’s arm. “You’ve helped all of us through stuff,” the boy said quietly, and now the unshed tears burned like acid in Gabriel’s nose, like hot pokers behind his eyes. “I hope you…get that,” he added.
Gabriel reached up and gave Alex’s cheek a light pat. “Thanks, kid,” he managed in a gruff voice. Alex smiled and, drawing a breath through his nose, went to join his friends.
Natalie gave Gabriel a look. It was difficult for her to leave him when he was so clearly teetering on the edge of a breakdown, but she knew that this time, there was someone else waiting to comfort him. She ushered the kids from the waiting room and followed them down the hallway.
And Gabriel and Jack were alone.
Gabriel looked at him and quickly away. The plastic bag crinkled as he tightened and loosened his fist around it. “I really will replace the phone. I shouldn’t have—Alex shouldn’t have had to—” He stopped, dragging his gaze back to Jack’s. “Sorry,” he said. “For…not protecting him.” His voice cracked and he bit his lip, shaking his head. “For not protecting all of them,” he added, but the words were little more than an exhalation of air.
“Gabe,” Jack said. He stepped closer, and his blue eyes were filled with compassion. “You’re not alone. Look at me. This isn’t your cross to bear.”
Gabriel shook his head again. He wanted so badly to accept the comfort that Jack was offering. I can’t go from one anchor to another, he thought. He knew that wasn’t really what he was worried about, though. I can’t weigh another person down, he thought. I can’t shackle my love to someone like a lead ball around their neck—
“Why do you think you deserve to suffer alone?” Jack asked.
Gabriel blinked in surprise.
“You’re carrying all this guilt around inside of you, and why? For what? Because you let some guy fuck you when you were nineteen?” Gabriel’s lips parted, and his breath caught in his chest, but Jack continued: “I’ll tell you what, Gabe, I’ve had sex with seven men in my life. Seven. And that’s only because I met Jeff so young, hell, I’d have been in double digits a long time ago. Maybe even triple,” he added, and Gabriel smiled in spite of himself. Jack paused, regarding him. “Does that mean I deserved to have the love of my fucking life ripped away from me?” he asked, his voice rough with pain. “To have to watch cancer suck the life right out of him? To have to comfort our son while I didn’t even know how to breathe, while I felt like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out my heart and stomped it into the ground? Because someone, somewhere, decided that our love was…less real than theirs, or…or… unnatural?”
“Of course not,” Gabriel said, wishing he could take away Jack’s pain. “Jeff was a good man, and a good father. And so are you.”
“That’s not what your mother would say, is it?”
Gabriel winced. “She’d be wrong,” he muttered, shifting his feet. He was uncomfortable with the mention of his mother.
“But she was right about you?” Jack asked.
“She didn’t know you,” Gabriel said.
“She didn’t know you, either,” Jack shot back. “You did everything you could to hide your real self from her. You did it to protect her, but who was protecting you?”
“I…don’t want to—”
“I’m not trying to speak ill of your mother, Gabe,” Jack said, gentling his tone. “I don’t know the details, but I know you loved her. I’m sure she loved you, too, but intentionally or not, she made you doubt yourself. Your value. You think you failed your wife, but she loves you. She knows you did the best you could, and from where I’m standing, she seems to think you’re a pretty great guy. So does my son. He’s talked to you about things he didn’t want to talk to me about, and you were always willing to listen, you always encourage your students to follow their dreams and be themselves. And…” He hesitated.
“And Jeff respected the hell out of you,” he continued. “You were his favorite of all Alex’s teachers since kindergarten. I used to tease him that it sounded like he had a crush on you and I should come to one of the parent-teacher conferences to chaperone.” He sighed. “But I never did. It’s too late now. And it’s really okay, because Jeff understood even if we never really talked about it. And I’ve come to realize that Alex understood more than I knew.
“And I know that they never doubted my love for them. Do you think your wife and son have ever thought you didn’t love them, Gabe?”
“No.”
“Did they want you to change yourself for them?”
Gabriel hesitated, thinking of Natalie. I hoped one day it would be enough, she’d said. But that wasn’t the same as I hoped one day you would be different. “No,” he said, and he knew it was true. Natalie had always known who he was, she’d always known him better than anyone else in the world, and she’d loved him anyway.
“Do they want you to feel guilty? Unhappy? Unworthy?”
“No.” Some piece of himself, twisted into knots for so long that he’d forgotten how it felt to draw a painless breath, was loosening.
“And Eliza? Do you think she blames you for what she did today?”
Gabriel caught his lip between his teeth and shook his head. He’d known something was wrong, and that was why he’d sent Becca to check on her. He had to take consolation in the knowledge that he’d reached her in time, that she was sleeping in a hospital with her mother by her side. She would have a long and difficult road to recovery, but her life had not ended on the dirty floor of a high school bathroom.
“Alex says you…have this thing you do, like a rule,” Jack said. “He says any student can come to you if they have a confession, and no matter what it is, as long as it doesn’t hurt somebody, they can tell you and you’ll keep it a secret. He says there’s no one the kids trust more than you.”
Gabriel was inexpressibly touched by this. “Everyone needs someone who won’t judge them,” he mumbled.
“He also says they can ask you anything.”
“I don’t answer if it’s inappropriate.”
Jack shook his head. “I know. He said that—but that you don’t ever get angry when that happens, you just say it’s inappropriate and move on. But anything else, you answer. Honestly. Religion. Politics. Sex, so long as it’s age-appropriate and not about a specific person.”
“Like I said, everyone—”
“I know what you said,” Jack interrupted. He moved forward; they were close enough to touch, now, if either of them were to reach out. “But that’s the thing about you, Gabe. You’re…open. Honest, even when honesty scares the hell out of you. You sing with all of yourself, you get up on stage with the Drama Club and you show them what it means to be fearless and committed and proud. I know that you’re afraid to give up this…façade you’ve built, but I also know that you know that it’s only one tiny detail. You’ve shown everybody everything about yourself already, except…one…li
ttle thing.
“I’m not telling you that you have to show it to them. You don’t owe anybody anything of yourself, especially not when you’ve given them everything else. What I’m saying is you need to stop feeling guilty for keeping a part of yourself secret, stop feeling like you deserve to suffer alone because you’ve put up a shield to protect a tiny piece of your heart. Jesus, Gabriel, I know how cruel people can be. We all deserve to live and love in peace without having to worry people will use our own hearts against us.
“Your love for your family is not a lie. Your life is not a lie.”
Gabriel released a shaky breath and reached out, putting his hand against Jack’s shoulder and curling his fingers into his shirt. Those six words cut right into him, lodging themselves in his chest. Somehow, Jack knew the one thing that Gabriel had always needed to hear.
“Your life is not a lie,” Jack repeated, quieter, wrapping his hand around Gabriel’s. “You’re afraid you’re not enough—that the real you isn’t enough for people, but this is the real you. What you see is a teacher who didn’t stop a student from hurting herself, but you’re a goddamn human being, Gabe. We can’t protect everyone we care about from everything, but you saved her life. That’s a fact. Honey, you need to stop punishing yourself for not being able to be everything that every single person wants you to be. You deserve to be comforted and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be loved and your pain is fucking valid, Gabe.”
“Jack,” Gabriel said. It was all he could manage. He felt like he’d been ripped open, exposed for all the world to see. Except it wasn’t the world, here in this room; it was only the two of them. And what he was feeling wasn’t fear or pain, but relief.
“I see you,” Jack said quietly.
“Yes,” Gabriel breathed, searching his face. “I…” He tightened his grip on Jack’s shirt. “I need you tonight, Jack,” he admitted, pulling the words out of himself.
“I’m here.”
“Come…home with me?”
“Yes,” Jack said. “Of course, Gabe.”
Gabriel stepped forward and kissed him, drawing a breath through his nose as the plastic bag crinkled against their thighs. “Jack,” he repeated against the other man’s lips.
Jack wrapped his arms around him. “Hmm,” he asked.
Gabriel drew back a little to look at him. “Am I one of the seven?” he asked, smiling.
Jack’s lips curved upward and he lifted a hand, brushing his fingers against the hair at Gabriel’s temple. “No, actually,” he said quietly. “You’re number eight.” His eyes scanned Gabriel’s face, and he let out a soft breath. “I don’t think I’ll ever see double digits,” he murmured, his gaze returning to Gabriel’s. Before Gabriel could think of a response, Jack stepped back and reached for his hand. “Come on, let’s get you out of here.”
“Jack.”
“Huh?”
“My scrubs are blue.”
Jack laughed. “Oh, believe me, I noticed,” he said. “And I hope you plan on keeping them.”
Gabriel hesitated in the doorway, looking at Jack. “Did you take the night off work again?” he asked, suddenly realizing.
“Yes. Don’t worry, they can get by without me.” He pulled his hand from Gabriel’s as they stepped out into the hallway, mindful of possible witnesses.
Gabriel snaked his fingers through Jack’s, squeezing his hand, and looked sideways at him as they walked. “Glad I don’t have to,” he said.
Jack smiled and squeezed his hand in return.
***
“I thought you were gonna dance to that ‘Reggae’ song,” Jack said as Solomon Burke’s “Cry to Me” started playing. Gabriel, with his back to Jack, had already begun swaying subtly to the music, and Jack let out a slow breath, leaning back on the sofa.
“I made a whole playlist for you,” Gabriel said, settling the iPod into the cradle of the speakers to charge. He turned to face Jack with a smile. “You want me to waste it?”
Jack’s gaze slid down Gabriel’s body. He cleared his throat. “No. You have, uh…loose hips,” he said.
Gabriel cocked an eyebrow. “For an old man?” he teased.
“No, I’m just…noting that’ll come in handy later.”
“Hmm,” Gabriel said. “I told you, I know some things.”
Jack watched him dancing in place, and the sight was already affecting his body. Jack shifted a bit, tugging at the legs of his jeans to loosen the pressure. “You know a lot of things,” he muttered, swallowing. Gabriel laughed softly. He was still wearing the scrubs, and they were light and loose on his body as he danced in place. “So, Gabriel, what’s your favorite song?”
“Trying to make small talk?” Gabriel asked, amused.
“Trying to keep from tackling you.”
Grinning, dancing slowly to the music, Gabriel said, “I could never choose a favorite.”
Jack had to clear his throat again, and he smoothed his palms on his thighs. “Least favorite?” he asked.
“Hmm,” Gabriel answered, putting a palm against his own stomach as he swayed. “Almost anything by AC/DC?”
Jack was surprised into a laugh, and he dragged his eyes up to Gabriel’s face. “That’s my favorite band,” he said. “That might be a deal-breaker, here.” He waited for a few beats, but Gabriel’s gaze was steady, unwavering, his rhythm unfaltering. Jack laughed again. “Really? Nothing?”
“I was trying to mentally calculate how many pairs of tickets I could reasonably buy,” Gabriel said. “Taking into account I’d have to buy earplugs, too.” He was moving subtly closer to the sofa, hips swinging in time to the music. “But then I remembered you have more money than I do.”
Chuckling, Jack said, “Even if they were actually my favorite, you know I’d never make you go.”
“If they were your favorite, you know I’d go to every show,” Gabriel countered softly.
“I, uh…” Jack swallowed. “I appreciate this whole seduction thing you’ve got going on,” he said. “God, do I,” he muttered, his gaze slipping down Gabriel’s body again. “But I’m a sure thing.”
Gabriel stopped moving. Waiting until Jack’s eyes found his, he said, sounding incredulous, “Did you seriously just quote Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman?”
Jack grinned. “I paraphrased,” he said. “Did you like that?”
As Solomon Burke sang “Come on, take my hand, baby won’t you walk with me?” Gabriel held out a hand and, when Jack took it without hesitation, pulled him to his feet. He tugged Jack close, putting a hand on his hip.
“I’ve never been much of a dancer,” Jack said.
“You told me,” Gabriel answered, steering Jack’s hips with one firm hand. “Just follow my lead.” He pulled Jack’s hand up onto his shoulder, and Jack’s fingers immediately crept to the back of his neck. Gabriel shifted his hips, gently rubbing himself against the front of Jack’s jeans. “Seems like you like this music,” he murmured.
Their eyes met and held as Van Morrison’s “Into the Mystic” started, and the rhythm of their bodies automatically adapted.
“I do like this song,” Jack said softly after a few moments. He slid his other arm around Gabriel’s waist, splaying his hand against Gabriel’s lower back, and leaned close, pressing his cheek against the other man’s temple. His breath fanned Gabriel’s ear. “But I like you more…”
Gabriel smiled, pressing a kiss into the hollow of Jack’s shoulder. “Feels like you’re trying to lead,” he murmured against the skin inside Jack’s collar as their bodies rocked side to side in unison.
“I’m taller,” Jack answered at Gabriel’s ear.
“I’m older,” Gabriel responded with a smile.
“Mm.” Jack’s lips brushed against Gabriel’s earlobe, and down to the sensitive skin beneath. His fingertips slipped into Gabriel’s hair and gently tipped his head to the side for better access. Both of Gabriel’s hands were on Jack’s hips, and there was no doubt Gabriel was controlling their rhythm. Jack nuzzled the
side of his neck. “You’re the teacher,” he said, his lips soft against Gabriel’s stubble-roughened skin.
“Jack,” Gabriel said, his fingers digging into the other man’s hips.
“Mmhmm.”
“You lead,” Gabriel breathed. “I’ll follow.”
Jack trailed kisses down the side of Gabriel’s neck, down into the exposed V of his throat, his tongue flicking across Gabriel’s skin as the teacher tipped his head back against Jack’s hand. “You don’t have to worry,” Jack said, returning his lips to Gabriel’s ear. He turned their bodies; they were dancing, slowly, toward the bedroom. “I’ve got you,” he whispered.
“I’m not worried. Not with you,” Gabriel answered.
Jack’s hand slipped from the other man’s hair to palm his jaw, turning their faces until their lips met.
***
Jack kissed his way up Gabriel’s body, over the soft skin of his belly, following the trail of dark hair to his chest, detouring briefly to flick his tongue over one nipple. Gabriel shifted beneath him, holding onto Jack’s bare shoulders. His bent knees fell wider as Jack’s lubricated fingers rubbed lightly at his opening.
Jack kissed Gabriel’s collarbone, and jaw, running his other hand up his ribcage. “Relax,” he murmured.
“I am,” Gabriel answered. He fought the urge to tense as Jack slipped one finger inside him.
Jack’s mouth found Gabriel’s. “Relax,” he repeated softly against his lips.
“I—”
“Look at me,” Jack said, lifting his head to meet Gabriel’s eyes. “I’m right here. Talk to me. Tell me what you’re feeling.”
Gabriel swallowed, shifting again. “I…trust you, Jack, it’s just that…it’s been a long time but…”
“It hurt,” Jack said. “I know, honey. Wherever that guy is, I hope he’s ashamed of himself. For the rest of his life. But it’s you and me here, now. You say the word and I’ll stop.”
Gabriel shook his head on the pillow, adjusting his grip on Jack’s shoulders. “I want you even if it hurts,” he said. “But if you say it won’t, I trust you. Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
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