Jack watched him, waiting.
“You were fourteen, when you knew,” Gabriel finally said. “I knew a lot earlier, that I was gay or whatever,” he said. He skimmed over the word like a dragonfly skating over a pond, scarcely touching it, as though at any moment a large mouth would emerge from beneath the surface to swallow him whole. He stopped himself, though—Jack could almost see him hovering over the word in his mind, examining it, reaching tentatively toward it; more like a hummingbird, now, testing the word’s value. “Gay,” he repeated.
“Bisexual?” Jack suggested gently.
Gabriel hesitated, and shook his head slowly against Jack’s shoulder, lifting his eyes to meet the other man’s gaze. “That doesn’t feel right,” he admitted. “It was…never the same. I’ve never said the word out loud, not even to Natalie. She knows, I told her everything, but I never said the word.
“I’ve never said any of this to anyone before, except Nat. And she understands me better than anyone ever has, knows me better than I know myself sometimes. But…”
“But she can’t really know how it feels,” Jack said.
Gabriel shook his head again. “How it feels to recognize something inside of yourself, when you’re still so young that the world seems infinite, something that you know immediately you can’t change—and that, maybe, you don’t even necessarily want to change—and so, as with every new discovery, you want to hold it up proudly for the world, for your parents, to say look at me, look at who I am, please love me for all the things I’m made of…”
Jack let out a breath, struck speechless by the words—by their beauty, and by the ugly truth lurking behind them.
“And you learn that the one thing that should be infinite—your parents’ love—is far more conditional than you’d suspected,” Gabriel continued, and Jack tightened his arms around him reflexively, wanting to shield him from these past pains. “So now you have this piece of yourself that your own parents despise so much that they’ll barely look at you, and you realize they fear it as much as they hate it, and you can’t change it—you can’t cut this piece out of yourself, so what do you do with it? You think…I’ll keep it to myself. It’s my secret, between me and God, and no one can hate it, or fear it, if I keep it hidden safely away.”
“We can’t change who we are,” Jack murmured, running his fingers lightly up and down Gabriel’s arm. And we shouldn’t feel the need to try, he thought, but he knew that Gabriel knew that as well as he did.
“I knew what I was, who I was. I accepted a long, long time ago that it was something I couldn’t change, but I made a choice not to act on it. I made a choice to be what people wanted or needed me to be. I couldn’t choose what I felt but I could choose what I did. Because…”
Jack waited.
“Because when I was seven, I…wrote a note to a boy in my class. Buddy Anderson. I told him I loved him because…that’s what kids were doing, writing notes and sticking them in each other’s cubbies, but I didn’t…I don’t know, maybe I was just unobservant, oblivious like you said, but I really hadn’t grasped the whole boy-girl thing, like I just hadn’t seen it, you know? It didn’t occur to me that there was anything wrong with sending a note to Buddy instead of one of the girls. I was seven. I was…Jesus, he was nice to me, that’s all I thought love was.
“But the teacher, Mr. Marcus, he saw me leave the note, and he called my parents in. My dad was pissed to be called into the school, but me, I still didn’t get it. I knew I’d done something wrong but I didn’t know what.” His eyes were burning, his tears unshed. Jack’s arms were comforting around him, but this was a pain that had never truly healed, and Gabriel knew he had to get the words out.
“He made sure I knew when we got home,” he said through numb lips, his voice little more than a whisper. “He called me names, words that I’d never heard—I didn’t understand them but I sure as hell felt them,” he said. He pressed himself tighter against Jack’s chest. “He broke my arm in two places,” he continued. “I can feel the ache when it rains, when it’s cold outside…I thought he was going to kill me. I think my mother did, too. I looked at her, and she was crying. She stopped him, finally, but on the way to the hospital, she told me that they hadn’t come here from Cuba to have their only son turn out to be a maricón.
“I told the doctor what she told me to say about the broken arm, and I got a cast and got taken to the church where she made me kneel in the confessional and tell Padre Romero what I’d done.”
“You were seven years old, Jesus Christ,” Jack muttered. “I’m so sorry, Gabriel.”
“She told me I had to pray for God to cure me of these thoughts, so I tried. But I still didn’t understand why it was wrong. I mean, she’d always told me that God made me, and…it didn’t make any sense to me. I knew that I couldn’t change it. If my father breaking my arm while screaming puta in my face didn’t change me, nothing would. I didn’t like to see my mother cry, though, and I didn’t want to make my father angry, so I just…”
“Pretended.”
“I did what I thought they wanted me to do,” Gabriel said. “My father died when I was nine. My mother…I never really fooled her, I would catch her looking at me sometimes like she didn’t know who I was, and it always hurt, and I always vowed to myself to try harder. After my father died, she moved me to a parochial school an hour away, and it was there I met Ms. Muñoz, who introduced me to a whole world of artistic expression that I’d never known was available to me. Everything from drawing, writing, music, acting—I don’t think I would’ve survived high school without her.
“When I wrote that play…the one I gave Alex…she talked to my mother. Told her I was potentially suicidal. Honestly? I was surprised. I wasn’t particularly happy but I’d thought the play was…hopeful. That’s what I’d meant for it to be.”
“It was,” Jack said softly. “I read it. It was written by a kid who only wanted the best for the world.” He rubbed Gabriel’s back. “You felt betrayed by Ms. Muñoz.”
“Yes.”
“You didn’t tell Alex that part.”
“Of course not,” Gabriel said with a frown.
“That wasn’t a question. I know you didn’t. Just like I know you’d never betray a student or hurt your son.”
Gabriel turned his face and pressed his lips, briefly, against Jack’s chest. “She didn’t mean to betray me,” he said after a moment. “She was just concerned about me. She didn’t know the history…
“My mother didn’t talk to me about it. She sent me to talk to the priest and then just went on pretending that everything was fine. I certainly felt more suicidal than I had before,” he added quietly. “But I always had hope that there was…some way to make things right, some way to be happy.
“At college I thought…maybe I could be two different people, you know, she would never have to know what happened away from home. It didn’t work, of course, she was too far inside my head. I couldn’t stop thinking about how she’d feel if she found out. And…I didn’t even really like it. The one time. I wanted it—I wanted him, and it felt…exhilarating to just go for it, you know, but…” He’d already told Jack that it had hurt, and not just physically.
Jack curved his arm around Gabriel’s shoulder, tucking his fingers under the other man’s jaw, and tipped his face up to press a kiss against his lips. It was chaste, closed-mouth, meant only to comfort. Gabriel spread his hand over Jack’s chest, drawing a breath through his nose. After a few seconds, he settled his head back against Jack’s shoulder and continued.
“I actually thought maybe my mother was right, after all. Because it wasn’t what I wanted it to be, what I thought it would be. It wasn’t…this,” he said after a moment, and he felt Jack kiss his head. “But it didn’t last long, the doubt. Because that experience hadn’t changed me any more than my broken arm had. I knew that there were millions of people in the world in happy, loving relationships, and I knew that I’d only had...one bad experience. Not liking that o
ne experience didn’t change who I was. But I decided maybe it was for the best that I...not know what I was missing, you know?
“When I met Natalie, I…It sounds strange, maybe, but I loved her almost immediately. She was everything I needed. She was smart, beautiful, funny—God, was she funny—and kind, the kindest person I think I’d ever met. She didn’t judge anyone. I’d never really had friends, not close friends, I had friends in our theater group, but I was always cautious around other kids. Natalie was the first person who’d ever loved me unconditionally.” He sighed. “She gave me everything, and I gave her every piece of myself that I could. When we had Ben, it was enough. We were a family. They were my whole life, my whole world. I don’t regret a single minute spent with them. And I don’t think she does, either.”
“I’m sure she doesn’t,” Jack said. “Losing Jeff broke me into so many pieces that I’m still looking for some of them, but even knowing what pain was coming, I wouldn’t change a single second spent with him. With Alex. My parents were a lot more supportive than yours, but some of my family…” He sighed. “So much damage done by the people who are supposed to love us,” he said. “I can’t imagine ever turning my back on my son, let alone intentionally hurting him. You and Natalie are the parents that you deserved to have. That Vinnie deserved. Hell, even Jeff, although his parents never purposely hurt him.
“Your father broke your arm but he didn’t break you, Gabe. Even at seven years old, you were stronger than him.”
“You told me that my life hasn’t been a lie, and that’s been hard for me to accept. I know it’s true that my family is real, that my love for them and theirs for me is real, but I can’t help feeling like I wasn’t good enough for them because I was never quite whole. I have to figure out how to not censor myself in my own head, if that makes any sense. Actually allow myself to think and feel.”
“I have faith in you,” Jack murmured against his hair. “Just remember that you don’t owe anyone anything. Being honest with yourself doesn’t mean you have to tell anyone else anything you’re not ready to say. That’s your choice, no one else’s.”
“I have to sell my mother’s house at some point, which means going through…everything. A lifetime of stuff. We could certainly use the money now that we have two separate sets of bills, but I’m going to put it off for a while. Give myself time instead of just…taking care of business like I normally do.”
“That’s a good idea,” Jack said. “If there’s no hurry, take your time and grieve first.”
“It must seem strange, talking about…‘we’ need this or that, but we’ve been partners for so long that I can’t help but think of everything as being shared and equal, even as we work to divide our accounts and bills.”
“All that matters is what works for the two of you.”
“Well,” Gabriel said. He hesitated. “That’s not really all that matters. I mean…” He picked lightly at Jack’s shirt for a few seconds. “Does it bother you at all? That we’re still technically married until the paperwork is finalized…”
“I did notice you took off your ring,” Jack answered quietly. “So the real question is, does it bother you?”
“Does it feel like cheating? A little bit, I won’t lie. It’s weird seeing her with Arnie. It makes me happy and sad at the same time. And it’s awkward. I never thought I’d be getting divorced, you know, I made a commitment that I meant to keep forever. Even though I know it’s the best thing for both of us, and even though I don’t want to be anywhere other than here with you, it’s still…weird.”
“I’m not bothered,” Jack said. “I respect what you and she have—will always have. She introduced herself to me in the hospital but that was it. The waiting room was full of students. Someday maybe she and I can be friends and talk about you,” he added with a grin.
Gabriel groaned, but he smiled at the thought.
“Does it bother you that I’m wearing my ring?” Jack asked.
“No. Jack, as much as I don’t want to get up—”
“You don’t?”
“—I really have to pee and the sound of the rain is not helping.”
“We’ll see if we can’t strengthen your prostate a bit,” Jack said.
Gabriel laughed. “Yeah?”
“We’ll keep up with regular massages.” Jack reached down and smacked him lightly on his boxers-clad ass. “Go pee, then. I cried all over your shirt so we should probably get cleaned up, anyway. Wanna get sucked off in the shower again?”
“Fuck,” Gabriel breathed in surprise.
“We could do that, too,” Jack said, showing his teeth in a grin. “And so you can say it, just not during sex? Interesting.”
“I—You—” Gabriel paused.
“You can do it,” Jack said, still grinning.
“You want me…”
“Yes, but that’s beside the point,” Jack said with a wink. “Go ahead.”
“You want me to fuck you?”
“I thought you’d never ask,” Jack quipped, but he leaned forward and kissed Gabriel to lessen the sting of embarrassment. “Is that what you want?” he asked, no longer teasing.
“I don’t…I don’t know? I’m afraid I’d hurt you because I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“Hmm.” Jack kissed him again, keeping his mouth closed. Drawing back, he said, “We got off to a rough start this morning, I think we deserve a little bit of fun before we have to be responsible adults. Tell you what. Let’s pee, wash up a bit, for God’s sake brush our teeth, and meet back here to start the day off right.”
Gabriel laughed, rolling away toward the edge of the bed. “I have an extra toothbrush this time,” he said.
“I bet you use that line on all the guys,” Jack said, crawling after him. He reached out and tugged Gabriel’s shorts partway down as Gabriel got to his feet, and chuckled when Gabriel reached back to swat his hand away. “Are you sore?” he asked, watching as Gabriel padded toward the door.
“I’m fine, I just have to pee.”
Jack laughed, swinging himself off the bed and stretching his back as he stood. “Let me know if you need any help.”
“You’re not coming?” Gabriel said without looking back as he left the room.
“Not yet,” Jack joked.
“Thought you were gonna help me wash up,” Gabriel called from the other room.
“I didn’t know that was an option,” Jack laughed, already on his way toward the doorway. “Wait up.”
“Catch up,” Gabriel shot back, and Jack laughed again.
***
Jack was straddling Gabriel high on his thighs. “I’d ask if you’re ready, but you seem like you are,” he said with a smile, running a finger up the length of Gabriel’s lubricated, sheathed erection. Jack leaned forward, and Gabriel met his kiss eagerly. Jack nibbled his lower lip, and Gabriel slid his hands down Jack’s back, cupping his ass to pull him tighter against their pinned erections.
Their mouths were minty, but they could still taste each other beneath the lingering toothpaste. They could still smell each other beneath the scents of lube and latex and the musky odor of sex.
Jack gave Gabriel’s lip one last suck before pushing himself up. He took hold of Gabriel’s manhood and gave him a few slow strokes before moving forward and positioning himself. Gabriel settled his hands onto Jack’s hips, watching his face as Jack started to slowly lower himself down.
“How—I don’t—”
“It’s alright,” Jack said. “You’ll fit.”
“Jesus, are you sure?” Gabriel asked, gripping Jack’s hips.
Jack laughed, meeting his eyes. “I’m sure,” he said, sinking down. He spread his hands at Gabriel’s waist, bracing himself, and leaned forward a bit. He wiggled his hips and grinned at Gabriel’s groan. “Like that?” he asked. “Tight?” He levered himself up and sank down again.
Gabriel grunted. “God, that feels good,” he muttered, and Jack laughed again, tickling lightly at Gabriel’s sides to mak
e him squirm a little. “It’s a good thing I’m wearing a condom or I’d probably be done already.”
Jack grinned down at him, flexing his hips up and back down. “You can finish whenever you want, sweetheart.”
“Uh-uh,” Gabriel answered, and Jack lifted his eyebrows in surprise. “You come first this time.”
Jack flashed his teeth and scratched gently at Gabriel’s ribs. “Babe, I’m gonna take my time,” he said, his eyes sparkling with amusement. “You might as well come and take a nap, I’ll still be here when you wake up.”
Gabriel lifted an arm and bent it beneath his head on the pillow, adjusting his shoulders. “That’s alright. I’ll wait,” he said, feigning boredom, and Jack laughed. “Unless you want me to actually do something, here?”
“No, you just rest,” Jack answered. He continued to move slowly, watching Gabriel’s face. Gabriel stared back at him, and they lapsed into near-silence; their breaths, and the sound of their coupling—muted because of Jack’s slow pace—mingled with the patter of rain and the tick of the alarm clock. Jack was running his hands up and down Gabriel’s sides, and each time he sank back he could feel Gabriel resisting the urge to thrust into him.
Jack bent forward, sliding his fingers into Gabriel’s hair, and kissed him, claiming every bit of his mouth as he massaged Gabriel’s scalp. He increased his tempo—this was a better angle, and they were both growing restless. Gabriel made a sound in his throat and grabbed the backs of Jack’s thighs with both hands, still fighting his body’s instinct to buck.
Jack sucked Gabriel’s tongue for another moment before moving his hands to Gabriel’s shoulders and pushing himself partway up. He flexed his hips faster; they were both breathing heavily, and in unison.
“I’m gonna come on you,” Jack warned in a low voice.
Gabriel moved one hand up Jack’s thigh. “Do you want me to—” he started, but he stopped when Jack grabbed both of his wrists and lowered them to the sheet, pinning them there. Jack continued to ride him, his breathing growing more ragged, his fingers digging into Gabriel’s wrists. After a few moments, he drew one of Gabriel’s hands up, pressing it to his abdomen.
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