“You’re right. They would have. I froze and didn’t know what to say or do. But do you want to know why I froze?” he asked. “Because I care about you so much. You’re an incredible woman, and a better wife than I deserve.”
She studied him for a minute, trying to make sense of his words. “So you acted like a jerk because you care, not because you don’t?”
“Well, I think the word ‘ass’ describes how I acted better than jerk, but yeah. That’s the bottom line.”
Joy frowned. “I’ve never had a temper tantrum in my life. I sat here thinking about hitting you. I honestly pictured myself balling up my fist and punching you in the face.”
“At least you weren’t out for Gizmo,” he said sadly, shaking his head.
She shook her head. “Gizmo is not the head causing my problems.” She noticed tomato seeds in his hair and did her best not to giggle. He looked ridiculous.
He took her hands in his, taking it as a good sign when she didn’t immediately pull away from him. “I’m very sorry for any pain or heartache I’ve caused you. You mean so much to me.”
She sighed. “I guess my little fit was over the top.”
Kolby shook his head. “No, I think it was just what you needed. You are a warm, loving, passionate woman. With passion comes anger as well. You need to be able to show your anger.”
She shook her head. “No, I need to be joyful. It’s my name after all.”
Kolby leaned down until they were nose to nose. “No, you don’t. You need to be able to feel emotions and express them. You have to be able to live and be who you are, no matter what kind of crap your parents have been telling you for the past twenty-two years!”
Joy stared into his eyes for a minute. “You didn’t mind?”
“Well, I didn’t like having tomatoes thrown at me very much, but I agree I deserved them. I didn’t mind you getting angry. I’d rather you didn’t get angry with me every day, of course, but occasionally I’m sure I’ll deserve it.”
Joy caught him around the neck and pulled him down the last inch for a kiss. “You’ve just given me the greatest gift I’ve ever received.” Her voice was a whisper, but it was filled with emotion.
Kolby caught her around the waist and pulled her closer to him. “I’d have told you that the day we met if I’d realized you were afraid to show any emotions.” His hand stroked over her back. “You know the park is dead today. We could make love by the—”
“It’s not happening!” she interrupted, her face in flames. “No way.”
“We’re not making love, or we’re not making love by the river?”
She smiled. “Let’s go home.”
He grabbed her hand and tugged her along after him. “We’ll both drive to Karlan’s house, and you can get in my truck from there. I’ll drive you the rest of the way home. We’ll get to bed faster that way.”
Joy shook her head. “Letting Gizmo take over again?”
He nodded. “I think you prefer it.”
“Sometimes!”
When they reached the vehicles, he kissed her softly. “I’ll see you at Karlan’s.”
As she drove, Joy thought about the freedom her husband had just given her. He’d said he cared about her, and she was allowed to show any emotion she wanted. For years, she’d felt like she had to be a happy robot outwardly, unable to be who she really was. Now, with his permission, she would show whatever emotion she really felt. Look out world!
* * *
Joy put her newfound freedom to use that very evening. Kolby was sitting in front of the television watching a ball game, and she was trying to talk. When he didn’t listen, she reached over for the remote in his hand, and snapped the TV off.
He turned to her, glaring. “Why did you do that?”
“Because you were ignoring me, and I was tired of it. You want to see my emotions, well, this is how I feel about it. When you ignore me, it makes me angry.”
He turned to her. “What were you saying?”
“I was trying to talk about potential names for the baby. Remember her? The little thing growing inside me?”
“Her? How do you know it’s a girl?”
“I don’t. I’m calling it her until there’s reason to do otherwise.”
“I see. Do you have names picked out?” He wanted to make sure she didn’t get mad enough to throw tomatoes again, even though he thought it was much too early to discuss names.
“Not yet. Do you have any naming conventions you want to use? Or do you just want to randomly pick names we like?”
“What do you mean by naming conventions?”
“Well, like my sisters and I all having positive character traits as names. And you and your brothers all having the ‘k’ sound, even though you don’t all have the same first letter to your name.”
Kolby shrugged. “I guess I’ve never really thought about it. Do you want to do that?”
“I don’t know. I once thought I did, but I’m really not sure. I could go either way.”
“Do you have any names in mind?”
“Not yet. I want us both to be thinking about it.” She reached for his hand. “I need to get medical attention soon. Would you be willing to have a home birth? With a midwife?”
He laughed, assuming she was joking. When he realized she wasn’t, his eyes widened. “Really?”
“Really. I’ve always thought that’s the route I’d go.”
“Is that safe for you?” He wouldn’t risk her for anything.
“Women had babies at home for thousands of years. It’s only in the last century that they started having babies in hospitals.”
“But hasn’t the death rate from child birth dropped significantly during that time? I’m not going to risk your life for any reason.”
Joy smiled, her eyes lighting up. His words, even though they weren’t the declaration of love she so desperately wanted, would keep her going for a while. “If there’s any risk, the midwife would transfer me to the care of an obstetrician. I won’t do anything to risk our baby.”
“Or you?”
She snuggled against him. “Or me.” Her eyes twinkled as they met his. “I can only imagine how you’d handle a baby on your own. I can’t be out of the picture.”
He grinned at her teasing. “No, you can’t. I need you beside me, Joy.” His lips were soft against hers. He abruptly got to his feet and scooped her into his arms.
“Where are we going?”
“Where do you think?”
She shook her head. “I can’t ever just have a discussion with you…”
* * *
When Joy got to the big house the following day, she noticed how happy Hope looked. Linda was glowing, excited at the idea of her impending role as grandmother.
Joy joined her mother-in-law in the kitchen, helping fix the plates of the children. “You look happy!”
Linda nodded. “I am! I’m sure you know Faith is pregnant. I’m going to be a Wiggie!”
“I did know Faith is pregnant.” Joy eyed Linda. Had no one told her she was having two grandbabies? “Did you know I’m expecting as well?”
Linda stared at her for a moment, grabbing her and hugging her. “No! No one told me!”
Joy grinned. “I thought you knew, or I’d have told you.”
“Just don’t have the babies on the same day. That would mess with my head.”
“Yeah, and we come from a family where multiples are the norm. Imagine if we each had twins…”
“Don’t get my hopes up!” Linda finished putting the last of the food on paper plates, and Joy helped her serve the children.
Once the little ones were eating, Linda asked, “Are you doing better today?”
Joy shrugged. “A bit less angry. I’ve never been so mad in my life.”
“Did you enjoy throwing the tomatoes at Kolby?”
Joy blushed. “You know about that?”
“It was my idea. I hope it helped.”
“It helped a lot. I was so furiou
s with that man!”
Linda shrugged. “When I had him, he was perfect. You must have done something to him.”
Joy refused to comment. She loved her mother-in-law too much to cause problems, and just then she would have liked to strangle her. She knew Linda had to be loyal to her son, but claiming he was perfect? That went much too far!
10
Four weeks later, Joy felt like Kolby would never love her. He was kind, caring, and very considerate of her feelings, but love didn’t seem to have any part of it.
One Sunday afternoon, after the men had finished work for the day, he came home. “Karlan needs me to run to town to pick up some stuff. Do you want to come with me?”
Joy shook her head. “No, my all-day morning sickness doesn’t want to be anywhere near a truck.” She patted her stomach lightly. “I think I’ll sit around doing my stitching. If I don’t move too much, there’s less chance of me vomiting everywhere.”
Kolby walked to her and hugged her tight. “Cooper said Faith is going through the same thing. Are you going to be all right?”
“Yeah, this is perfectly normal until the second trimester. Mom said with the twins, she threw up all nine months.”
“Well, let’s hope that doesn’t happen.” He hated seeing her so sick. She’d lost weight everywhere but her stomach, and that was starting to round a little. “Do you want me to stay? I’m sure Karlan or Chris can go. They don’t have sick wives.”
Joy smiled, resting her head on his shoulder. “I’m not an invalid. I can take care of myself.”
“Then I’ll go.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “Why don’t I grab a rotisserie chicken and some sides from the grocery store, so you don’t have to cook?”
“Oh, that would be fabulous, if you don’t mind.”
“I’ll be back soon.” Hugging her once more, he headed for the door, worried about how frail she was looking. She’d been slender when they’d married, but the baby seemed to be leaching everything she could keep down.
In town, he parked in front of the hardware store, glancing at an older couple walking down the street holding hands. He’d gone to school with their grandsons. As he watched them, he could see him walking down the street in fifty years or so, holding Joy’s hand the way old Mr. Larson was holding his wife’s.
He frowned. He’d never let himself think about growing old with her, because he’d worried she’d leave.
As he bought the supplies he’d been sent to town for, he couldn’t get the image of the older couple off his mind. He could picture Joy at that age, still as beautiful as ever.
He sighed. He needed to get her out of his head.
Next he went to the grocery store, finding the chicken and a couple of sides from the deli to go with it. He didn’t want Joy to have to fight her morning sickness to cook for him. He laughed as he thought about the words everyone used for being sick with a baby. Joy was sick every hour of the day and night. Morning sickness didn’t begin to cover it.
He realized once he got to the front that he was in Abigail’s line. He didn’t want to talk to her, but he didn’t want to make a show of moving to another line either.
“Hey, Kolby! How’s married life treating you?” she asked when it was his turn.
“Oh, good. Joy is a really special lady.”
“I hear she’s already expecting!”
Kolby grinned, the smile lighting up his whole face. “Oh, she is. I just wish we could keep something in her stomach. She’s sick all day every day.”
“Have you tried ginger tea? Or even ginger snaps? I find they really soothed my stomach when I was pregnant.”
“Really? I’ll go back and grab some.”
Abigail shook her head. “No need. I’ll send someone for them.” She picked up her phone and requested the two items, and they stood there in silence for a moment. “I’m glad you found someone you could love, Kolby.”
Kolby smiled. He wasn’t about to tell Rachelle’s sister that he wasn’t in love with his wife. It was none of her business.
When a young man Kolby didn’t know rushed to the front with his stuff, he paid and left the store, thinking about what Abigail had said. He saw the older couple again, this time heading into the store, and he wanted to stop them and ask them how they’d stayed together so long.
On the drive home, he was still thinking. He kept saying he couldn’t love again, but what else was he feeling? Every time Joy threw up, he wished he could take her place. Every time she hugged him, he felt like his heart was flying. If that wasn’t love, what was it?
He was so lost in thought that he almost didn’t notice as a big truck crossed the center of the road, heading straight for him. At the last second, he turned the wheel, heading down into a ditch and toward a field. He ended up plowing his truck into a fence post before he came to a stop.
The whole time he was clutching the wheel with everything he had, he was thinking about Joy. What if I die, and she never knows how I feel? What if our baby grows up without a father, and Joy can’t tell him how much I loved them both?
He got out and looked at his truck. There was some damage, but it was drivable. He got back in and headed toward home, knowing he had to say the words his Joy had been waiting to hear.
Kolby pulled up to the house, carrying the food he’d purchased in. He’d leave the hardware in the truck, because there was no reason to carry it in, when he’d just have to take it to work the next day.
As soon as he opened the door, he heard the familiar sound of Joy retching. After setting the food down, he went to the bathroom, to find her kneeling beside the toilet. Immediately he wet a wash cloth with cool water, and knelt beside her, wiping her face. “Are you all right, sweetheart?”
Joy looked at him for a moment, looking like she wanted to say something, before she turned back to throw up one last time.
He held her hair while she vomited, and whispered softly, “I love you, Joy.”
Joy glared at him. “Did you really just tell me you love me for the first time while I was puking?”
Kolby shrugged. “I’ve never been known to have the best timing.” He stroked her hair away from her face. “I realized it today. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without you. I need you, Joy.”
Joy sighed, resting her head against his shoulder. “Well, I’d love to continue this talk anywhere but the bathroom floor.”
He got to his feet and carefully helped her up, watching while she brushed her teeth. “I got you some ginger tea and ginger snaps. Someone told me they’d soothe your belly.”
“I’ll try anything.” She rinsed her mouth and looked at him, wondering why he suddenly felt like he could love again, when he’d been so adamant it wasn’t possible.
He took her arm and led her out to the couch, sinking down beside her. “I’m sorry you’re so sick. How about I bring you some ginger snaps? Or I can make you some tea?”
Kolby had been very attentive to her every time she’d been sick. Usually he just stood around, looking like he wished he knew what to do. Obviously he was pleased that he finally had an answer.
“Let’s try the tea first. It’s easier to throw up liquids.” She watched him walk to the kitchen and filled the teapot with water, putting it on a burner. “Thank you for thinking of me.”
He smiled. “I rarely think of anything else. All day while I’m working, I think of you.”
“Do you really?” she asked. After so much time with him insisting he’d never love again, it was hard to believe.
“Of course, I do. I’d never lie to you, Joy.” He carefully poured the hot water into the mug with the tea bag in it and added a spoon. Walking back around to sit beside her, he wrapped an arm around her waist. “I hope that helps.”
Joy took a tiny sip of the amber colored liquid and set the mug down, not daring to drink too much at once. “What happened while you were gone?” she asked softly, knowing there had to be some catalyst to his abrupt change of heart.
He shrugged.
“I saw an old couple in town, and all I could think about was growing old with you. And then I got into a kerfuffle with a fence post on my way home.” At her look of alarm, he held up one hand. “Don’t worry. I’m all right. Truck has seen better days, but we’ll get it fixed.”
Her eyes widened. “Are you sure you’re all right?” She skimmed him from head to toe, looking for visible injuries.
“I’m fine! All I could think about as I was swerving off the road to miss that semi was you. I was so worried that I’d die without ever telling you how I feel.” His hand reached out to stroke her cheek. “I love you so much.”
Joy sighed contentedly, leaning against him. “I love you too. Thank you for loving me.”
He chuckled.
“What?”
“Well, when you told me you loved me and I thanked you, you got all mad at me. Now I tell you I love you, and you thank me, but I’m not mad.”
She glared. “You already knew I loved you when you said it to me. The situation is totally different.”
He nodded. “It is. I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you.”
Joy moved closer to him, snuggling against him. “I’m just glad you’ve finally had an epiphany and seen what an incredible wife you have.”
“I have. I’ll never take you for granted again.”
“I sure hope not.” She took another sip of the tea. “I think this may actually be helping.”
“Good! I’m going to really worry about you if you lose any more weight.”
“I’ll do my best not to.” She looked at him over the rim of the mug. “I think I’ve changed my mind about having fifteen kids. Maybe we could adopt fourteen or so.”
He grinned at her. “I don’t blame you. When is your first midwife appointment?”
“Tuesday. She’s going to do a sonogram. Do you want to come with me?”
“I’d love that! Is Faith going too?”
She nodded. “I’m sure Cooper will be there as well. It’ll be nice to see if we’re having just one baby or two.”
“Just not four, okay?”
Smiling, she nodded. “I’m in complete agreement with that. Anything more than two is too many.”
Cowboy's Conundrum (Culpepper Cowboys Book 3) Page 10