Lily's Journey

by Tania Crosse

  ‘Shouldn’t we scrub the bloodstain while it’s still fresh?’ was all I could ask as she tucked me up in one of her spare rooms. The sheets smelt clean and fresh, and Gloria had put two hot water bottles in the bed.

  ‘Don’t you worry about that,’ she soothed me. ‘You just sleep. It won’t seem so bad in the morning.’

  The medicine didn’t work straight away, morose thoughts chasing each other round in my head. My life had once seemed so ordered, but since Ellen’s death, it had been turned upside down. I had fought back all the way, slowly winning, and with so many new friends now, I was looking forward to a brighter future. I had begun to hope that Sidney would eventually tell me more about my lost family. Now he never would, and I felt all alone in the world once again.

  Had I made Sidney happier in the last few months of his life? I should like to think so. He had been so hurt by my mother’s infidelity, and as well as losing the woman he loved, he had lost his two small sons. It must be the worst thing imaginable to lose a child, and my sorrow over Sidney’s grief far outweighed my own as I lay in the shadows of the strange room. Outside I caught the screech of a hunting barn owl followed by the gentle hoot of a tawny. A little way off, a fox barked. Sounds of the night that had become familiar to me since coming to live on the moor. Dartmoor that had come to soothe and comfort me…

  ‘Is there anyone I can call for you? Any family?’ Gloria asked kindly the next morning.

  My head ached and I felt awful, my eyes heavy as if I had been awake all night, which I hadn’t. Gloria had made me some coffee, and I was sipping at it, huddled in a dressing gown that was far too big for me and waiting for my thoughts to clear.

  ‘Yes, please,’ I nodded wearily. ‘But if you wouldn’t mind me using your phone, I think I’d rather ring myself.’

  ‘Of course, my dear. Anything you wish.’

  I rang Mrs Kershaw first as it was just gone nine o’clock and she would be wondering why I hadn’t turned up for work. She was very kind and just asked me to keep in touch. Then I rang the Franfield’s private number as I knew both telephones were on the desk in the hallway. Deborah answered, calm and efficient as I knew she would be.

  ‘Oh, I’m so sorry, my dear. How dreadful,’ she said at once, her voice ringing with sympathy. ‘You must come and stay with us, but I’m afraid surgery’s in full swing now, but as soon as it’s over, I’ll drive up and collect you.’

  ‘Oh, no, you mustn’t do that. The roads are treacherous up here. I’ll come down on the train later on. I’ll need to pack a few things, and there are a few people I must tell.’

  ‘Whatever you want, dear. I’ll be in all day. Oh, I feel awful about this, but I must go. I’m needed.’

  ‘Yes, of course I understand. I’ll see you later. Thank you so much.’

  It was a day for saying thank you. Gloria was kindness itself, but she understood that Wendy had become my best friend. I called in at Kate’s house on my way to the station and told her mum who was horrified and gave me a crushing hug. But there was no room for me to stay there and I wouldn’t have wanted to stay at Sally’s. And so I was soon gazing out of the carriage window at my beloved Dartmoor. I barely saw it, my mind filled with an image of Sidney lying across the kitchen floor.

  Deborah opened the front door and took me straight into the lounge. ‘You warm yourself by the fire and I’ll bring up some of the soup I’ve just made. I thought it would be just right for you.’

  ‘Oh, that’s very kind,’ I answered, a little absently I’m ashamed to say. I still felt numbed and truncated from the world around me, and went to stand in front of the roaring blaze in the grate as if in a stupor. The fire reminded me for a moment of Sidney’s blackened face, and I shuddered. But the bitter weather had chilled me to the bone on the walk from Tavistock Station, and I put the horrific vision to one side as I pulled off my gloves and held my hands out to the heat.

  ‘There.’

  Deborah smiled compassionately at me as she came into the room carrying a tray with two steaming mugs and some buttered rolls. I took one of the mugs, but I knew a roll would only stick in my throat. The hot soup, though, began to warm me through as I sipped at it.

  ‘How dreadfully sad for you, especially after what you’ve already been through.’

  Her friendly face was creased with compassion, and I felt the anguish begin to drain out of me. But before I had a chance to answer, I heard voices in the hall and a moment later, Wendy and her father came into the room. William’s expression was solemn and Wendy dashed over and folded me into her arms.

  ‘Oh, Lily, how awful!’

  She held me for several seconds before sitting down beside me with one arm still around my shoulders. I felt humbled to be in their caring company, especially when I had never told them the entire truth. I took a deep, shuddering breath.

  ‘The worst of it is that, well, about six months ago, he told me that I’m not actually his daughter,’ I confessed somewhat shamefaced. ‘Apparently, my mother had an affair and I’m this other man’s child. And I feel so awful that I’ve never told you when you’ve always been so kind, but I didn’t want anyone to know in case they tried to take me away and put me in a children’s home. I’m so sorry, really I am.’

  I glanced across at Deborah and William’s astonished faces, not sure what to expect from them. But I felt Wendy squeeze me even tighter.

  ‘We won’t let them put you in a home, will we? I couldn’t bear that!’

  I think I released a ponderous sigh as I turned to her. ‘But they could,’ I groaned despondently. ‘Until I’m eighteen.’

  ‘That’s preposterous!’ Wendy remonstrated. ‘Is that right, Dad?’

  ‘Unfortunately, it is. There were so many children living in odd circumstances because of the war that the government wanted to protect them. I’m sorry. That isn’t what you wanted to hear, is it, Lily?’ William drew in a deep breath and pursed his lips thoughtfully. ‘I can have a word with the local welfare people, mind, and see if I can pull some strings. You have a reasonably paid job and you’re a very capable young lady. But I can’t promise anything.’

  ‘Oh, that’s very kind,’ I sighed with relief.

  ‘And in the meantime, you must stay with us, of course.’

  ‘Really? Are you sure you don’t mind?’

  ‘It’ll be lovely to have you!’ Wendy cried beside me.

  ‘It’s the least we can do. And we’ll help you to arrange the funeral and everything else that’ll need sorting. Can’t expect someone of your age to do all that.’

  It was then that I burst into tears.

  I was surprised how many people came to the funeral. Sidney’s workmates, of course, the Colemans and Gloria, but everyone I knew well from Princetown as well as my own particular friends. I was really touched. And then it dawned on me that they hadn’t so much come to mourn Sidney as to support me. It made the constriction in my throat squeeze even more tightly. I would miss everyone so much while I stayed with Wendy, not to mention the moor itself. To me, it was a living thing that had given strength and purpose to my life when it had been at such a low ebb. But at least I wouldn’t be far away.

  The morning of the funeral had dawned crisp and bitterly cold, the sun shining brightly from a colourless disc in the sky which made the whole affair a little less daunting. Sidney’s hadn’t been a happy life and I felt sorry for that, forgiving him the way he had treated me. It was all too soon after Ellen’s funeral and I wanted to cry. Yet again, I found myself biting the inside of my bottom lip to hold back the tears, but once it was all over, I was aware of a sense of release.

  Wendy and Deborah had come up by train to be with me, as William needed the car for his rounds. They had taken a boot full of my belongings back with them the previous day, so I only had a small bag to take with me on the train. I would be back, of course. I would have to go through Sidney’s personal belongings, but hadn’t yet found the courage. For who knew what I might find among them. I could be disap
pointed, or I could discover something that could set me on the trail to my lost identity. But for now it would have to wait.

  ‘Fancy going to the pictures tonight?’ Wendy asked on the Friday morning as we parted company outside the solicitors’ offices where she worked.

  I had been back at work since Wednesday and already my life had become so wonderfully normal again. It felt so secure and comforting, living in the bosom of a family that was so sensible and yet so lively. Wendy in particular was determined that I wouldn’t feel sad. Of course, I had stayed there on several occasions before and easily fell into a relaxed routine. The only thing I found hard to get used to was that once she had cleaned the surgery at seven o’clock each weekday morning, the ‘daily’, Mrs Salmon, then turned her attentions to the rest of the house until lunchtime!

  ‘Oh, yes, that would be lovely!’

  ‘Celia might come as well. I think she said she’s got Friday evening off. You know she’s not as keen on films as we are, but she’ll probably come. And tomorrow night there’s another public dance at the Town Hall.’ Her sparkling eyes clouded, then, as she asked, ‘Unless you feel it’s too soon after, well, you know, your father. Or rather, Sidney.’

  I shook my head with a reassuring smile. ‘No, not at all. In fact, I think it’s just what I need!’

  ‘That’s settled then,’ she grinned. ‘See you at lunchtime!’ And in she went, pulling off her gloves and stuffing them into her handbag while I cut across Bedford Square towards Woolworths.

  I had a great weekend, almost forgetting that Sidney had died in a horrible accident less than a fortnight before. I thought about him a lot but as a living person, remembering little details. But I didn’t feel so sad any more. Deborah and William had made me so welcome, and Wendy and Celia really felt like sisters, linking arms with me between them as we walked back from the cinema on that frosty Friday night. But I was still fraught with anxiety as to my future. William had been in contact with the welfare authorities, but no decision had yet been made. The prospect of a children’s home was looming menacingly nearer. Then something happened to change everything.

  The telephone rang one evening while we were all chuckling over What’s My Line on the television. Deborah went out into the hall to answer it. She was quite some time and we heard her laughing so it obviously wasn’t an emergency call. When she came back into the room, her excitement was palpable.

  ‘That was Edwin,’ she breathed with bubbling anticipation. ‘He’s managed to get the whole of Easter off and he’s coming down to stay!’

  ‘Oh, that’s top hole!’ William cried, his oft serious face lighting up like a beacon. ‘He certainly won’t be able to next year. He’ll be coming up to his finals then.’

  ‘Trust you to think of that, Dad!’ Wendy grinned, and leaping up from the sofa, dragged me to my feet and jumped up and down with glee. ‘Edwin’s coming home, Edwin’s coming home!’ she chanted, and began to waltz me round the room.

  ‘We can have a birthday party for him!’ Deborah announced joyfully. ‘After all, one’s quarter century is a special one, isn’t it? Just a small family celebration. We must make sure Celia’s off duty. Edwin’s friends are all in London nowadays, of course. Unless…you don’t think we could persuade Daniel to come, do you?’

  At the mention of Daniel, my own heart clenched, and I noticed that the lovely sparkle suddenly went out of Deborah’s eyes and a doubtful frown took its place. The smile left William’s face, too, and he raised his eyebrows ruefully.

  ‘We could try, but I doubt he’d accept, not even for Edwin. You know what he was like when we went to see him at Christmas.’

  ‘That’s very true.’ Deborah puffed out her cheeks and dropped back into her chair, quite deflated. ‘Such a pity Sheila had the flu so he was on his own for Christmas.’

  ‘He could have gone up to them if he’d wanted to,’ William observed. ‘But he chose not to. Peace and quiet is what he craves, not the hustle and bustle of London.’

  ‘Oh, I do worry about that boy.’ Deborah shook her head, all her earlier elation fled.

  ‘Well, don’t.’ William fixed his wife with steady eyes in a way I hadn’t seen in him before. Professional, I suppose. ‘It’s not surprising after what the poor lad’s been through. But he’s a lot stronger than you think. Always had a will of iron. He’ll get over it. He just needs time.’

  ‘I don’t want that old grumpy guts to spoil our party anyway!’ Wendy’s ecstasy broke through the sober conversation, banishing the downcast interlude. ‘We’ll have a much better time without him! Now, we will make Edwin a big birthday cake, won’t we, Mum? So lovely that sugar’s off ration at last, and we can pool our butter rations, can’t we?’

  I was so relieved that the decision seemed to have been made to leave Daniel out of the party. I really didn’t want to meet up with him again and have him ruin any time I might have to get to know Edwin better. My heart was already fluttering at the thought that Edwin, the young man whose handsome, anxious face had remained in my dreams for over a year, was coming home to his family, the very same I was staying in with!

  ‘Yes, of course we can. Seems quite ridiculous to me that butter and cheese are still on ration, mind, after all these years. And meat, too.’

  ‘Hopefully for not much longer, dear.’

  ‘Well, I’m sure we can have a super party!’ Wendy was beaming again. ‘Oh, I can’t wait to see Edwin again, and he must be dying to meet you, Lily! You did tell Edwin about Lily, didn’t you, Mum?’

  A warm tide of expectancy rippled through me, but at the same time I was trembling. Would Edwin have thought of me again as I had him? Would he remember me at all? And would he light the same fire inside me as he had on that distant day when the wind had snatched the balloon string from the child’s grip?

  ‘I hope you’ve never told him I was the person he nearly ran over!’ I cried in horror, imagining all my hopes being shattered. ‘It could be awfully embarrassing for both of us.’

  William pulled in his chin. ‘Well, he might prefer not to be reminded of the incident. But I suppose he’s bound to remember when he sees you again.’

  ‘Well, we’ll keep it as a surprise for him, won’t we? A birthday surprise!’ Wendy chortled as she danced around the room.

  Chapter Eleven

  ‘Edwin, this is Lily.’

  Wendy stood back, her eyes dancing above her mouth which was sealed into an excited, impish grin. I waited in the lounge doorway and suddenly my heart was pounding. I had been telling myself at work all day that it was childish to feel nervous about meeting again with the stranger I had been acquainted with for all of five minutes such a long time ago, and I had managed to keep the butterflies at bay. But now the moment had come, my stomach was turning cartwheels.

  He had his back to me, tall and slender of build, just as I remembered him. He was wearing a brown knitted jumper, his fair hair cut short this time so that it didn’t reach the collar of his beige checked shirt. He turned round, putting down the glass he had been drinking from, and came forward, smiling, his hand outstretched. I was sure my heart stood still as I looked into those green-blue eyes.

  ‘Hello, Edwin, I’m very pleased to meet you,’ I said, my lips moving of their own accord. ‘Did you have a good journey?’

  ‘Yes, thank you.’ But his words sounded distant as he shook my hand, his head tipped to one side. ‘Have…have we met somewhere before? You seem familiar somehow.’

  He was staring at me, his smooth brow corrugated with a questioning frown, and I gazed back into the clear depths of his eyes. A fizzing euphoria foamed inside me as if this was a very special moment in my life. One I would savour for ever.

  ‘Ha, ha, you remember her, then?’ Wendy chortled, bounding across the room to hop at her brother’s back. For a second, I hardly noticed her, as if Edwin and I were sharing a dreaming sleep.

  ‘Oh, goodness me.’ Edwin put his hand over his mouth, and the spell was broken. Reality, but a good, hap
py reality, took its place as those captivating eyes stretched wide and he smiled broadly again. ‘It was you I nearly ran over! When the little boy…’

  He broke off, his expression incredulous as he laughed softly. The apprehension flooded out of me and I grinned back.

  ‘That’s right! What an amazing coincidence, isn’t it?’

  I waited, judging his reaction. He shook his head with a grunt of pleasurable disbelief.

  ‘Well, I never did. And how are you, anyway? Is my sister here looking after you properly?’

  ‘Oh, absolutely. And your parents, they’ve been so kind. But I’ve been here a month now, and I’m sure I’ve outstayed my welcome.’

  ‘No, not a bit of it!’ Wendy cried. ‘We love having you.’

  ‘Oh, you mustn’t feel like that. Mum and Dad are enjoying your stay. They were just saying before they opened up evening surgery what a great person you are to have around.’ The steady smile reached his eyes and I felt the scarlet in my cheeks as I realised he was paying me a compliment. I think he must have appreciated my embarrassment as he said with a flick of his head, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. You haven’t even got your coat off yet. You go and, well, do whatever you do when you come home from work, and I’ll pour you a drink. Oh, wait a minute. I suppose, strictly speaking, you shouldn’t. But a little sherry wouldn’t hurt. I think Mum’s got a drop left.’

  ‘Oh, no, don’t do that,’ I answered pleasantly. ‘I’ll make myself a coffee.’

  ‘I’ll make it for you. Do you have it black or white?’

  I hurried up to my bedroom, my heart soaring. Edwin seemed to like me! I was bursting with joy as I quickly changed out of my sensible work clothes and put on my favourite twin-set. It was a strong aquamarine which went well with my hair which I let down from its French roll. It hung around my shoulders in a mass of sleek, golden waves, and I fastened Ellen’s pearls around my neck. Then I put on my full, floral skirt and the soft shade of lipstick I had bought from the cosmetics counter last week. I glanced in the mirror. That looked much more appealing, and I had to put a curb on my tingling excitement as I trotted down both sets of stairs to the kitchen.