The Cowboy SEAL's Jingle Bell Baby

by Laura Marie Altom

  Poor Mr. Bojangles sulked at the foot of the bed. He’d worn the same purple sweater for three days.

  “Babe,” Rowdy said, “you’ve changed.”

  “Of course I have. I’m a mother. Are you faulting me for caring for our son?” She touched her free hand to her messy ponytail.

  “How long has it been since you put the baby down long enough to have a shower?”

  “I don’t know. Why? Do I smell?”

  “No. And you’re totally missing my point. What are we doing? How long are we going to stay with your mom and grandmother when we should be setting up our own house?”

  “Is that what you want to do?”

  “I thought it was understood?” Along with the fact that they’d get married and, as soon as she was medically able, resume bedroom activities that had nothing to do with their son and everything to do with exploring every inch of Tiffany’s beautifully curvy body.

  “How could any of that be understood when I can’t remember the last time you touched me? Let alone kissed me?”

  “Is that what you want? A kiss?”

  “No.” A strangled half laugh escaped her like a gas bubble. “That’s the last thing I want from you. What would be great? Is you running to the store before it closes. We’re almost out of diapers.”

  “Why don’t you come with me? Leave the baby with Pearl and Gigi. Might do you good to get out of the house. The Christmas lights around the square are gorgeous with all the snow.” We could pretend we were on a date. Everything between us has been backward as hell. Most couples get to know each other before having a baby. But we...

  Hell, he couldn’t finish his own thought. What he and Tiffany had become was untenable. The two of them weren’t working on any level. But how did he fix a relationship that had never officially formed? Let alone been broken?

  * * *

  GIGI AND PEARL maintained a firm stance on Rowdy not spending the night with her and the baby until they were married.

  If Tiffany had a quarter for every time she’d told her mother a wedding wasn’t happening, she’d wipe out all family debt and still have enough for new shoes.

  It was now 3:00 a.m., Johnny suckled her breast and she’d be lying if she said she didn’t miss her son’s father. She had flat-out lied when she’d told him she didn’t want him to kiss her or hold her or assure her everything would one day be all right. More than anything, she longed for the two of them to find a cozy home of their own. She wanted to fall asleep with him at night and wake up next to him each morning.

  Did she love him?

  She didn’t know.

  All she did know was that life was better with him in it. The time he’d been gone had proven that. But lately she’d noticed he wasn’t as quick with his smiles. He didn’t carry his shoulders as straight, and gone was his usual confident stride.

  Since they no longer talked like they used to when he’d first come to town, she could only guess at the meaning behind his funk. The only logical conclusion was that he regretted his hasty decision to keep Johnny. To stay with her.

  “I love you,” she whispered to her son, smoothing the tip of her pinkie across his soft cheek. “Keeping you was the best decision of my life—even if we don’t end up keeping your dad.”

  The last thing she’d want was for Rowdy to feel trapped.

  Even more than she feared him leaving her, she feared him staying for all the wrong reasons, then growing to resent her and Johnny for taking him from the life he loved.

  She could handle being a navy wife.

  She could handle spending a large chunk of her life raising their son on her own. What she couldn’t do was know Rowdy was with her only out of a sense of obligation. Because his family expected him to do the right thing.

  If there was anything she’d learned during this experience, it was that there was no singular correct path in life. Every person had to make his or her own way. His or her own decisions. If Rowdy chose not to be with her and Johnny, so be it.

  She had too much pride to beg him to stay.

  Once Johnny had eaten his fill, she changed his diaper, then tucked him back into the crib that Rowdy had purchased and assembled next to her chaise.

  “Come here,” she said to Mr. Bojangles, who stared forlornly at her from the foot of the bed. “I’m sorry I haven’t been giving you as much attention.”

  She snatched him up for a cuddle, then exchanged his purple sweater for pink-and-black zebra stripes.

  He licked her in appreciation.

  “I love you,” she said. “You’re the most loyal man I’ve ever had in my life.”

  He fell asleep in her arms.

  She kissed the top of his furry head, then turned out the light and settled for cuddling her dog rather than the big lug who apparently didn’t want to be with her and his son enough to risk raising Pearl’s and Gigi’s hackles.

  After a fitful night’s sleep, Tiffany yawned her way to the hall bath, then used the time before Johnny woke to grab a quick shower.

  Rowdy usually arrived at the house no later than eight. He helped with the chickens, then shoveled the front and back walks if there’d been any overnight snow.

  But when she finished her shower, dressed and even towel-dried her hair and he still hadn’t shown up, she forced a few deep breaths to fend off a full-blown panic.

  What would she do if one day Rowdy just didn’t come?

  He’d already mentioned that after New Year’s he was expected back on base, but until then, there was nothing binding him to her and Johnny. She looked in her vanity mirror. At the dark shadows beneath her bloodshot eyes and the extra weight she carried in her cheeks. She hadn’t done her hair since their son’s birth, and couldn’t even find her makeup amid all of Johnny’s baby gear.

  She was mired so deep in more reasons why Rowdy no longer seemed attracted to her that when her cell rang, she jumped.

  “Hey, sugar.” Patsy’s cheery tone felt out of tune with Tiffany’s gloomy mood. Plus, the jazzy ringtone woke the baby.

  “Hey. What’s up?” She set her phone on the vanity, put the call on speaker, then lifted Johnny from his crib and into her arms.

  Mr. Bojangles, still beneath the covers, stretched and yawned, poking just his head out into the chilly room.

  “Uh-oh,” Patsy said. “Did an angel wake up on the wrong side of his crib?”

  “Not at all.” Tiffany cradled him close and he quieted. “He’s as sweet as Pearl’s apple pie.”

  “Aw, I miss him. Which is part of the reason I called. First, Rowdy asked me to tell you he won’t be by till later. His daddy’s got a sick calf, and the only medicine is at a veterinary clinic two hours north. He and Carl volunteered to drive up to get it.”

  “Of course. I understand.” But she didn’t. Oh—she would never fault Rowdy for needing to help his family, but it might have been nice to pack up the baby and tag along. Since the girls were in school, Justine could have come, too. Like a double date. But since she and Rowdy weren’t a couple, that probably wouldn’t work.

  “The second reason for my call is that I wanted to invite you, your mom and Pearl over for Christmas Eve. We’ll have dinner and sing carols. It’ll be fun. I figured for Johnny’s first Christmas, we’d do it up real nice.”

  “Thank you.” Tiffany blinked back tears. “That sounds wonderful. What can I do to help? Do you need me to bring anything?”

  “Nope. You’ve got your hands full with Johnny. Plus, I told Rowdy to watch the baby for you all afternoon so you’d have time for a nice soak in the tub and to doll yourself up for pictures.”

  “You’re an angel for thinking of me.” Her heart ached that Rowdy’s mother had to nudge him to be kind. What had happened between them? Where had she gone wrong?

  “My pleasure. Oh—and every
year we take family pictures wearing matching sweaters. This year’s color is white, so I’ll send Rowdy with one for each of you.”

  “That’s not—”

  “Don’t say another word. I already bought them and can’t wait to see how Johnny looks. He’ll be like a real live angel.”

  “Yes, ma’am, he will.” Tiffany wished she were close enough to Rowdy’s mom to ask her opinion on the awkwardness between them, but she wasn’t. The last thing she wanted was for Patsy to find her pushy or demanding.

  After a few more minutes’ small talk, Tiffany said goodbye, then got on with her day. Whether Rowdy showed up or not, she still had a long morning and afternoon planned of feeding and doing laundry and helping Gigi and Pearl with their myriad of holiday preparations.

  Sitting in her room moping wouldn’t get anything done.

  The sooner she got used to being a single mom, the better off she’d be.

  * * *

  “SORRY,” ROWDY SAID to Tiffany when he didn’t get to Pearl’s house until after six that night.

  She paced the living room, carrying their screaming, red-faced son in her arms.

  Mr. Bojangles sat on the sofa high atop a mountain of pint-size clothes waiting to be folded.

  When Tiffany didn’t look in his direction, Rowdy added above the wails, “We ended up driving clear to Benson County. Then Dad called and said our family vet had the medicine after all. We drove home, then Mom needed me to run a half-dozen errands for her party—she called you, right?”

  Tiffany nodded, then gave the baby a jiggle.

  Rowdy tweaked the little guy’s sock-covered foot. “Want me to take him?”

  She shook her head and kept right on walking.

  “I assume you agreed to come—to Mom’s party?”

  She nodded.

  “Thanks. Mom’s excited to show off the baby.”

  “I’ll bet.”

  “Where are Gigi and Pearl?”

  “Their garden club is having a holiday dinner at the Sizzler.”

  “Why didn’t you go?”

  “Maybe because I’m not a member?”

  “What’s with the attitude?”

  “Gee, could it be because I’ve been trying to calm our son for the past six hours?”

  “Sorry. I never thought all the crap I had to do would take so long.”

  “It’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not. We’re in this together, and I want to help.” Rowdy settled his hands around Johnny’s waist, taking their son. He held him extra close, cupping his hand to the back of Johnny’s head. His screams faded to whimpers.

  “I hate you.” Tiffany collapsed on the sofa with enough force to startle Mr. Bojangles into a barking frenzy, which in turn made Johnny cry. She said to the dog, “Now I hate you, too.”

  Rowdy soon enough calmed the baby again. “Look, I’m sorry I haven’t been here for you today.”

  “I’m sorry I snapped. Johnny’s crying spells make me feel helpless. It’s the worst.”

  She sighed, running her fingers through her messy hair. She looked nothing like the woman he’d slept with last Easter, but she was still every bit as beautiful to him. There was so much he wanted to say, but how did he start? First, he wanted things to change between them—to get better.

  He cleared his throat. “You know how I have to be back on base after New Year’s?”

  She nodded.

  “Which would be easier for you? Tagging along with me? Or staying here? You’d have Pearl and Gigi to help. Plus my mom and Justine. I’d miss you something fierce for the eighteen months left on my enlistment, but am I being selfish in wanting you two with me? If you stay, I guess logistically, it makes more sense. To save money, you and Johnny could still live with Pearl and Gigi. What do you think?”

  Her gaze shone with tears, but not a single one fell.

  She stood, scooped up the dog, then said, “I’m taking a bubble bath. Thank you for watching Johnny until I’m done.”

  Sounds fun. Mind if I join you?

  Rowdy squashed his inner horndog. “What about my question? If you are going with me, I’ll need to start making plans—unless you wouldn’t mind bunking with a few other smelly SEALs?”

  She didn’t laugh at his joke. In fact, she didn’t even pause on her way to the stairs.

  What did that mean? What was she thinking? Why wouldn’t she talk to him? He was good at a lot of things, but mind reading had never been one of them.

  He asked the baby, “Has she been salty all day?”

  Rowdy studied the little guy’s face. It was crazy how much he’d missed him. Rowdy had been pissed about the wild-goose chase his father had sent him on. It had taken precious time he would have otherwise spent with his son.

  And Tiffany...

  He sucked in a deep breath.

  What did she want from him? What did she need?

  The water went on upstairs.

  Eyes closed, he thought about her all soap slick and sexy. Lately, she was impossible to read. He couldn’t tell if she wanted him closer or to stay the hell away. Who knew, maybe if he went to Virginia without her, the separation might do them good?

  The pang in his heart didn’t agree.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “Rowdy, you shouldn’t have.” But I’m sure glad you did. Tiffany’s heart swelled with unexpected, much-appreciated joy. It was Christmas Eve and the size and impressive wrapping job on the gift he’d just presented had to be significant.

  Pearl and Gigi had long ago left the house to attend an early church service. They’d taken Johnny with them to show him off to their few friends who hadn’t already seen him. Meaning she and Rowdy were finally alone.

  To talk.

  Hold hands.

  Kiss.

  Her gaze momentarily locked with his. Her cheeks flushed.

  For the first time since she couldn’t remember when, she’d had time to curl her long hair and apply makeup and even eyelashes. She’d done her nails and even added a spritz of her favorite floral perfume. Despite the fact that she currently wore her pink bathrobe and slippers, she felt beautiful under his stare.

  “I didn’t.” Still standing in the entry hall, he cleared his throat, then shoved his hands in his jeans pockets.

  Mr. Bojangles danced at his feet. She’d dressed him in a Santa suit for the occasion, but he’d already worked off his hat.

  “Excuse me?” she asked on her way to the living room sofa. The square box was much too big for her to open while standing. The silver foil paper was embossed with elegant wreathes. Wide white ribbon had been tied into a giant bow.

  “You thanked me for giving you the gift, but it’s not from me but Mom.” He cleared his throat. “I guess she told you about the family sweater thing she puts us through every year?”

  “Yes.” Her spirit sagged like one of those blow-up lawn ornaments after the holiday season. She should have guessed he didn’t care enough about her to give her a gift.

  “Don’t get too excited. I’m sure it’s just your sweater.”

  “Right. Thanks.” She set the unopened box on the sofa beside her. Was now the time to give him her gift? And that other thing. She’d planned to wait until closer to his leaving, but she supposed now was as good a time as any. Like ripping a bandage off fast. The pain would be momentarily intense but then gone.

  He’d wandered toward the Christmas tree, still holding his hands in his pockets. “Tiff? Can we—”

  “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” She couldn’t bear one more second of awkward silence. Whatever magic the two of them had once shared was gone. She needed to get used to that fact.

  In her room, she took a legal-sized envelope from her top dresser drawer, as well as a wrapped rectangular packa
ge.

  Back downstairs, she found him still in front of the tree, head bowed. What was he thinking? Was he as sad about how things had ended between them as she was? The night of Johnny’s birth, she’d been convinced the two of them might actually have a bright future, but now? She’d lost hope.

  “I got you this.” She gave him the box. “It’s not much. But I...” She stopped before her raspy voice told her most tightly held secret. That during the time they’d spent together, she’d grown helplessly, ridiculously attracted to not only his stupid-handsome face but the way he so willingly gave of his time to her, Pearl and Gigi. The one thing he didn’t seem capable of giving was his heart. But could she blame him? They might have shared a child, but they hadn’t shared much else beyond chemistry. She’d been willing to try. But...

  “Thanks. I, ah, got you a little something, but it’s back at my parents’ house.”

  “It’s okay. Besides, the gift really is something small.”

  He tore off the paper and bow, setting them on the coffee table before opening the box. It held one of her favorite silver frames from her namesake store, Tiffany. It had been a gift to her from her father on her eighteenth birthday. She didn’t currently have the money for a new frame but figured this would be infinitely more special. She’d positioned Johnny for an hour to get the perfect pose of him seated under the tree. He’d worn a red onesie. She’d tied a green bow around his waist, then propped him among the prettily wrapped, mostly homemade presents she and Gigi and Pearl would exchange.

  “Tiff...” Tears welled in Rowdy’s grassy-green eyes. “This is the best gift I ever could have gotten. Thank you. Seriously. He’s everything to me.”

  But not me?

  “There’s a smaller, laminated photo, too. I thought you might want to keep it with you when you’re deployed.” Her throat ached while handing over the second part of her gift. “I called in a favor from Daddy’s legal team and got them to work this up.”

  “What is it?” He gave the envelope a funny look, then seemed hesitant to open it, as if it were a prank and worms might fall out.