Miss Spell's Hotel

by Kate Danley

  "You have yourself a deal," she said, sticking out her hand.

  "A deal?"

  "I'm your apprentice," she declared. "I'm going to use up your entire storeroom of supplies to get my memory back." She paused to correct herself. "OUR memory back. And to repay you, I'm going to help you lure some wicked old monsters here."

  "And how do you know these 'wicked old monsters', Precious?"

  She leaned on the counter, her feet wiggling as she spoke. "I was there at that prison going through those files, and there are some monsters roaming the streets. And that place is doing nothing about it!"

  "You can remember their names?" I asked. "Harming an 'innocent' vampire is what got me into this mess, so I'm a little wary—"

  She tapped the side of her head. "Photographic memory."

  "Really? Did you use a spell?"

  "No," she laughed. "It's just a thing I do. But all that information is living in my head now. I can see all the sheets with all the stuff they did like I'm reading it now. But, we can do something about it. I bring those monsters in, you get rid of them."

  She was convincing.

  Seeing I was relenting, she pressed, "And those monsters? There are big rewards. So, it's like, you get your power and the Other Side is safer and we also get paid a lot for a job no one else wants to do. We can, like, turn all that awfulness into some beautiful magic for good."

  I wondered what Ajax would have to say. "So, you're offering to restore my memory AND provide me with power AND we split any reward money? I feel like I'm getting a lot more out of this than you."

  "Deal?"

  I made a decision. "Use whatever you need. Consider my workshop your workshop. We have plenty of room. Stay here as long as you like... my new apprentice."

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I finished telling Ajax about our new, semi-resident guest, and Precious's revelations about the memory loss and the zombie attack. I wanted to personally introduce her and allow her to explain everything herself, but she came in after school and left after a couple of hours, which completely missed Ajax's shift. It had been several days already, and I didn't feel comfortable leaving him in the dark any longer.

  "I think she'll be able to help us," I concluded.

  Ajax nodded in agreement. "I'll have to bake her some 'Welcome to the No Spell' cookies," he stated.

  "Oh...no," I replied, not wanting to scare the poor child away or crush Ajax's feelings. "No need to trouble yourself with that... she's working with some very delicate potions and cross-contamination is always an issue."

  “Well," he said, putting down his teacup. "I have been telling you for ages that having another witch on-hand would make things a lot easier both of us."

  There was a ring from the front counter. We both started to rise.

  "Sit!" I said, waving him back down. "You've been up all night. I'll handle this."

  Ajax grabbed my sleeve. "Before I forget...." He reached into his pocket and pulled out something wrapped prettily in a silk handkerchief. "This is for you."

  "It's not even my birthday!" I laughed. I carefully untied the package. "Oh, Ajax..."

  He had smithed my magic stone into an elegant bracelet of silver. Not only was a stunning piece of art, the metal would burn almost any of the bad guys who tried to grab it.

  "I don't deserve a friend like you..." I whispered.

  The bell at the counter rang again, cutting off the rest of the words I wanted to say, but Ajax gave me a smile and nestled back into his chair. His lids were heavy and I had a feeling his snores would be rattling the windows before too long. Who knows, maybe they would rattle the girls out of the stained glass and our problems would be solved. The girls had stopped trying to spell things for me, but at least no more had appeared.

  I smiled as I walked out to the front counter. A pale woman stood there, twisting her handkerchief. Defensively, I scanned the register. No "John Doe" had signed in.

  "May I help you?" I asked.

  She coughed lightly and looked around to make sure we were alone. "I heard... I heard you helped people with problems?"

  I wasn't entirely sure what the proper response to this was. "I do what I can. Tell me, what seems to be troubling you?"

  "Vampires attacked my brother." Nervously, she leaned across the counter. "I only came because I heard that you might be able to help."

  "And how did you come to think I might be able to help?"

  She took a piece of paper and pushed it across the desk. "I saw your advertisement in the paper."

  I read it. It was the advertisement for the No Spell that ran every week, but there were other words there, too.

  Suddenly, the front door opened and Precious came bouncing through.

  "PRECIOUS!" I shouted.

  She suddenly stopped and replied cautiously, "Yes?"

  I held up the advertisement. "Do you know what this is about?"

  Her face lit up and she strode over. "It worked!"

  "I'm sorry?"

  The woman was looking at our exchange with confusion.

  "I cast a spell on the ad," said Precious. "For all those undead, they would just see the words that we put in there. But people with a heartbeat? With a calling for settling a score? They'd see those words."

  I realized that I must have a grudge needing settling if I was able to see the words myself. "Problems with the undead? Friends or family harmed? Contact the No Spell Hotel for help. Discretion and privacy guaranteed."

  Precious beamed.

  I knew I should be angry with her for doing this without clearing it with me first, but as the weight of my new bracelet hung on my wrist, asking me to find the magic to activate it, I just smiled. "Clever. Very, very clever."

  "Can you help me?" asked the woman.

  "We'll do what we can," I promised. I turned back to Precious, about to give her an assignment when it dawned on me. "Shouldn't you be in school?"

  "Weekend," she replied, like she couldn't believe someone would forget.

  "Fair enough," I said. I knew I needed to make sure she was keeping up on her school spell work or her parents would be down here with more wrath than any monster we were trying to lure in. "Well, perhaps you could get all the details from our guest while I make some arrangements with my partner, Ajax. Whom you need to meet!"

  And I needed to inform about this new development of vengeance based advertising...

  Precious came around the counter and grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil from the drawer. She licked the tip of the lead. "Now, do you have a phone number or address for this vampire...?"

  As she dealt with our new customer, I steeled my courage and walked back into my office. Though I tried to be as gentle as I could opening the door, hoping that Ajax would be fast asleep and I could delay this confession, his eyes popped open immediately.

  "Precious is here!" I told him. I held up my hand as he started to rise. "She's with a guest. Which gives me time to tell you about a little... idea she and I had." I held up his beautiful bracelet, the dark blue stone winking in the morning light. "It relates to this. And you are probably going to be angry."

  Ajax rubbed his lids. "Well, you already woke me up. Get on with it then."

  I took a deep breath. I didn't want any ire falling on my new apprentice, so told it to him like it was all my idea. "I realized that in order to activate this stone, I am going to need to have a steady supply of the undead. And... it could get complicated. I could either wander around every night hoping to come across a corpse in the worst parts of town or start inviting the undead to the No Spell and offing them here, which might result in more of this situation we're in with my coven. They get so angry when I take it upon myself to stake undeserving vampires."

  Ajax blinked, and then calmly folded his hands on his lap.

  I allowed the plan to spill out. "But Precious thought of this idea that there are some creatures no one wants. Creatures with warrants that the Other Side Department of Justice would pay to be rid of." I p
ushed back my shoulders and straightened my spine. "I want to invite this scum of the Other Side to the No Spell Hotel. In fact, I want to make sure that we target them specifically. I want to run specials. I want to fill this building to the brim with the nastiest elements of the Other Side."

  He squinted. "Do you have wicked witch syndrome? Have you noticed any of your skin turning green?"

  "I'm feeling just fine."

  "So, we turn the No Tell into a bit of a roach hotel. Except the bugs that do not check out are the creatures everyone wants someone to get rid of."

  "Yes."

  "So... assassinations?"

  "You make it sound so coarse."

  "You are talking about luring monsters here to kill them."

  "Bounty hunters! Trackers, even! Banishers of bad monsters who have escaped the jaws of justice because justice doesn't have teeth big enough. But instead of wandering aimlessly to find these creatures, we wait like a spider in a web for people to hire us." I wet my lips. "Like the woman who is currently speaking with Precious at the front counter."

  Ajax rubbed his lower lip with his thick finger. "She's paying us?"

  "Yes."

  "And the court is paying us?"

  "Yes."

  "Are you sure this is something we want to do?"

  "The roof is leaking. The walls are cracked. This place is falling apart around our ears and I have no way of making things better unless something changes. The gargoyles have still not returned to our eaves. So, this is the something that is going to change all of that. We get paid, I get magic, and the Other Side thanks us for being of service."

  Ajax cracked his knuckles and tilted his head from side to side, causing his neck to pop as he thought. Finally, he asked, "Can I have a new ax?"

  It was such an odd question. "Well... I suppose..."

  "If you're doing this so that you get a new broom, I want an axe." He stared me down with his deep-set eyes, then smiled.

  "Fine. You may have a new axe."

  He leaned back, a dreamy look settling on his face. "I always did hate sucking up to those bloodsuckers."

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Lucky thirteen, I thought. "A pleasure to see you, Mr. Robu. Please, come in. You and your party are welcome across our threshold."

  I watched the vampire and his harem of twelve slink into the lobby. They moved like jungle cats. Jungle cats in leisure suits and satin dresses. He had a thick mustache and long sideburns. Some in his party had been turned. Some were merely held in thrall. I wondered how many of them had willingly bent their necks to this jerk and how many had accidentally caught his eye.

  I was careful to keep my focus on the space between his sockets. Before today, I would have told you witches could not be hypnotized by the undead, but since John Doe put the whammy on me, I was rethinking my assumptions.

  "Checking in?" I asked.

  "I am here to claim my New Moon Sweepstakes prize," he replied, licking his lips at a waifish girl with thick lip-gloss and dark circles under her eyes.

  "I see the 'master suite' has been prepared." I turned and grabbed the keys. "Right this way."

  "Lovely dress..." one of the harem murmured.

  I had chosen a pantsuit with a plunging décolletage and a full, split skirt of blood red. "Oh, this old thing?" I replied, smoothing the silk. "A little something for such honored guests."

  "You're more than welcome to come party with us," invited the vampire.

  I smiled at his generosity. "I'll get some refreshments and bring them right in."

  He ran a long finger along my cheek. "I'll be waiting."

  I opened the door and ushered them inside. There was a hot tub in the shape of a heart, a bed covered in scarlet sheets so no one could see the stains, and all the comforts a vampire might need.

  "I'll be right back. Jump into the hot tub. I hear if you ask nice, the taps sometimes run red with positive and negative," I said with a wink.

  I heard their laughter through the door as I left to get their refreshments. My stomach was in knots. I couldn't believe I was doing this.

  Precious and Ajax were in the butler's pantry. Ajax had his new axe, just in case.

  "How many of them?" asked Precious, jumping off the counter and organizing the tray so I could bring it with me.

  "Thirteen," I said, gripping my waist. "Maybe four vampires, the rest were blood bags. I hope they're too anemic to put up much of a fight." I shook my head. "I also hope this is not a huge mistake."

  "Your will is in order?" asked Ajax as he tied a thick choker around my neck that might give me a little bit of cover if one of the vampires broke through my defenses.

  "Stop trying to make me feel better."

  "Four vampires. You go through two a week..." mused Ajax. "That will give you two weeks of magic before we have to do this again. Maybe three if you're judicious. Just have to do this until your coven returns your powers."

  "I'll just keep reminding myself of that," I said.

  "And remember that they are really, really not nice vampires," said Precious as she placed thirteen silver knives under a stack of napkins. "They are eating witches right and left. You saw all those people they were holding in thrall. We were hired by that witch who came in after they ate her brother, so this is all legal. You take this guy out, crime on the Other Side will go down exponentially."

  "IF I can take him down," I said, sliding the tray onto my arm.

  "You sure you don't want us to come in with you?" asked Ajax.

  I shook my head. "No need to entangle you if this all goes south. Want to make sure you're around to lay claim to my will if needed."

  Ajax reached up and held my shoulder bracingly. "Death met with a warrior's heart opens the gates to the Eternal Hall of Mount Eronia, where you will be met with feasting and fornication, songs and celebration."

  "Stop trying to make me want to lose," I said, giving him a wink and pushing open the door with my hip.

  I stepped into the vampires' room, carefully balancing the bottle of champagne on the tray. The undead and their minions were in the pool, nothing but a writhing mass of bodies. I don't even know how there was room for water in there.

  "You returned! Join us!" said Mr. Robu, inviting me over. I think he thought he had me in thrall. Idiot.

  I set the tray on the dresser beside me. I turned and locked the door, dropping the key down my bosom.

  "I suppose only one of us will be getting out tonight," he laughed. A trickle of blood already dripped from the corner of his mustache.

  "Let the celebration begin!" I shook the green champagne bottle and then unscrewed the cap.

  The foam sprayed into the hot tub as the vampires laughed and shrieked. And then their eyes began to change.

  "That stings," said Mr. Robu.

  "In nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sancti!" I shouted as I sprayed the foam in a cross-like shape.

  "You can't turn champagne into holy water!" he roared.

  "I can if it is Perrier!" I replied. "The champagne of water!"

  The skin on one of his followers began to boil. One leaped out of the tub and ran toward the bathroom, I assume to try and wash it off. But I caught him as he ran past and wiped my bracelet across one of his puss-filled boils. He screamed as the silver burned his skin.

  It was all the juice I needed.

  I pointed my finger at one of the candelabras and it came sailing across the room. It impaled itself into one of the women who was about to show off the sharpness of her new manicure to my heart. I picked up one of the silver knives and sunk it into the chest of bathroom boy with a little extra oomph from my stone. He collapsed to his knees and then fell forward onto the cool tile.

  That was about all the lead time I got in my surprise attack. I reached for one of the silver knives, but knocked over the tray, scattering them on the ground.

  "Darn it!" I swore.

  I threw the bottle at one of the vampires as he launched out of the hot tub and hit him square in the
junk.

  "Cover yourself, sir! I am a lady!" I shouted.

  Unfortunately, you can't kill a vampire by kicking them in the balls. They're undead, and whatever once filled their man purses is now nothing but a wad of dust bunnies. But the law of thermodynamics still applies on the Other Side, and the thrust of my throw knocked him off his path.

  My Perrier of Power was causing the vampires to disintegrate, however. They were on the verge of turning into nothing more than carpet stains.

  "YOU!" shouted Mr. Robu, crawling out of the hot tub, bits of him falling off. I was going to have to remember to scoop his goop before he clogged up the hot tub filter.

  He and ball boy were on their feet. Growling, they flanked me on both sides. Slowly, we watched to see who was going to make the first move, both feinting in the hope of drawing my attention away so the other could make his move.

  "You never should have picked this fight, witch," spat Mr. Robu.

  The minions in thrall mumbled their agreement as, dripping, they slowly pulled themselves out of the hot tub and stumbled toward me. They weren't fast, but like zombies, they would be relentless.

  "I'm not the one whose ding-a-ling just fell off after a good wash," I pointed out.

  "It will regenerate bigger and stronger than ever."

  "Is that what you tell yourself?" I tutted, backing up. My hand touched the silver platter. "Appears you're going to need a bunch of regenerations to get up to par."

  I flung the platter at ball boy, putting some magic behind it. It sliced his head off like a samurai sword through a watermelon.

  Unfortunately, that momentary attention split gave Mr. Robu the opportunity he needed to launch at me. I just had time to get my bracelet between my neck and his jaws as he knocked me to the ground.

  He hissed with pain as he recoiled. I pointed my hand at the platter to send it over to decapitate Mr. Robu, but evidently battle ran through my magic faster than batteries in an AM radio.

  "Oh, curse you to the Dark Dimension," I spat as the minions started kicking at me. Their movements knocked one of the silver knives my direction. I grabbed it and launched myself at Mr. Robu, landing square on his torso. He tried to push me away, but his hands were turning to jelly from the holy sparkling water.