Everything to Nothing

by Mark Henthorne

  For the next month she tried everything to try and bond with David. She suggested going to the movies, walks in the park or even a trip to the seaside, but all suggestions were greeted with negative words or not even words, sometimes just negative grunts. Then one day as she was getting up out of bed her waters broke a week early.

  Calmly she walked into the living room and asked David to take her to the hospital. In a moment that she thought she would never be able to forgive him for, he shook his head and pointed at the television. Instead Sally picked up the telephone and called the one person who had never let her down in the past, Michelle.

  They had not spoken in a few months, and certainly neither of them had called each other. The last time they met was by accident on the high street in the town. The proceeding few months after Simon’s death, Sally knew that Michelle was avoiding her, not answering her phone and not seeing her when Sally went around to her house.

  That day on the high street Sally could not believe how much weight her friend had lost, how skinny and ill she looked. But even now, after so many months of not speaking to her Sally knew she had no option. David was no in fit state to help with anything never mind a woman entering labour so that left her only one option. Before she dialled Sally withheld her number and was relieved when Michelle answered.

  ‘Hello?’

  ‘Michelle, it’s Sally.’

  For a moment Sally thought Michelle had hung up straight away, but then in a reluctant voice like she was forcing herself Michelle said, ‘Hi. You withheld your number.’

  ‘I know. I needed to speak to you urgently.’

  ‘What about?’

  ‘My waters have broken.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Can you give me a ride to the hospital?’

  ‘Can David not take you? At least you’ve still got a partner who can run you around to places.’

  The words struck Sally like a dagger. ‘Please Michelle, I really need you.’

  Over the phone Michelle then heard the words, ‘I’m trying to watch the fucking television! Will you shut the fuck up whining at her?!’ being shouted at Sally. Michelle then said, ‘Can you not get a taxi?’

  ‘I can’t. I’ve got no money.’

  Michelle could not stop the smile spreading across her face. ‘You’ve got no money? Nothing? Even for a taxi journey?’

  ‘They’re coming a week early! I was going to take some money out of next week’s benefits to take care of the taxi. I’ve just spent all my money on food and stuff for the babies in preparation for next week.’

  ‘Benefits?’ Another smile grew on Michelle’s face.

  ‘Please Michelle, I really need you now. I’m scared. I don’t want to do this on my own.’

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘At home.’

  ‘I guessed that. Where is home now?’

  Sally told her the address and Michelle told her she would be there in fifteen minutes. Quickly Sally went into her bedroom and threw some basic essentials into a bag and then perched on the edge of the bed.

  After twenty minutes she heard the apartment buzzer and she took the bag and walked to the apartment door. On passing the lounge she looked in and David was still sat in his chair, sipping from a can of beer, staring at the television. With a tear in her eye Sally went down to Michelle to face her gloating looks.

  *

  ‘Come on Sally, you can do it! One more big push! Go on!’

  With her face bright red and a thick sweat on her brow, Sally took the deepest breath of her life and pushed and pushed as hard as her exhausted body could manage.

  ‘That’s it! Well done! The head is out!

  Michelle hovered in the room in the background, now dressed in an appropriate hospital gown and cap, but even the gown could not hide how skinny and gaunt she had become.

  Since her fiancé’s death she had started her new job with a law firm but after numerous sick days off that culminated in two weeks absence she did not pass her probation period and was released by the company after only six months. When she received the news from her manager the psychological strain on her was too much and her anorexia got worse.

  The depression she had entered after Simon’s death and her low self-esteem of being slightly overweight contributed to her decline. After losing her job it got worse. Now she rarely ate, and when she did it was quickly followed by a trip to the toilet where she forced herself to vomit. So far she had managed to hide the condition from her parents who just put her weight loss down to the grieving process and that Michelle would recover given time, but she did not. Instead she got worse. Her withdrawal from previous friendships, including her close friendship with Sally, was another sign of this, but again her parents again put this down to grieving.

  Now, as Michelle watched Sally give birth to new life, she started to feel sick. Her already pallid complexion was even paler and her sunken eyes watched as the midwife lifted the newborn baby girl, cleaned it with a towel and then slapped its bottom which caused it to start crying. Quickly the midwife studied the baby and when satisfied passed the baby girl to a nurse who placed her in a small crib. Then the midwife returned her attentions to Sally.

  For a moment or two Sally was relieved and then the second baby started on its journey out of her body, but the passing of this second child was much easier for her. With another almighty effort she pushed the baby boy out of her and the midwife gave a whoop of delight and repeated the same process she had done with the baby girl.

  Once the afterbirth had been passed and Sally was cleaned, the midwife lifted up the baby girl from her crib and passed her to Sally who cradled her in her left arm, and then received the boy in her right arm.

  With a beaming smile the midwife said, ‘And do we have any names yet?’

  Sally’s eyes were brimming with tears. ‘Yes. The girl will be called Sophia after my mother, and the boy will be named after my father, Jacob.’

  ‘Two beautiful names. Now I presume your family will be outside so I will call them in.’

  ‘No, no-one will be there. It’s just me and…’ But as Sally looked up to find Michelle she realised she was no longer in the room.

  After the birth of Jacob, Michelle had run from the room un-noticed, threw up in a toilet and was now making her way home trying to erase the vision of the two new additions to Sally’s life and the vision that would haunt her for the rest of her life, the vision of Simon’s arm lying in the grass.

  *

  Sally stayed in hospital for a week, enjoying tending to Sophia and Jacob, feeding and caring for them. By the time she was ready to leave her benefit payments had gone into her account so she was able to take a taxi home carrying the babies in each arm.

  As she entered her apartment she dumped her bag in the hallway and entered the lounge and as expected David was sat there watching television. Sally stepped between him and the media device and showed him his children. ‘The girl is Sophia, the boy is Jacob. Sophia, Jacob, this is your dad, David.’

  ‘Get those two horrible little creatures out of my sight! Ugly little things.’

  ‘You’re going to have to help me! I can’t bring them up on my own!’

  ‘I’m watching television! Get them away!’

  Unbelievably hurt, Sally walked out of the lounge and placed them gently in their cots. Sophia kicked her legs a little but Jacob did not wake from his slumber. Carefully Sally covered them both in a small blanket. Exhausted she collapsed in a chair next to the cots and it was not too long before she joined them in a deep sleep only to waken an hour or so later by their cries of hunger.

  *

  In the last month since Sally had brought his children home David had barely looked at them. He had never once fed them, and he had never once even touched them. They reminded him of better, happier times and he hated to even look at them.

  One night though Sally was exhausted. She had been up all the previous night as they would not settle at all and now, deep in the heart of the n
ight, Sophia was crying but Sally did not wake up even when David shook her. Cursing, David wrapped the pillow around his head but could not get back to sleep while she cried and cried.

  With another loud curse he got up and walked over to the cot where she was lying, kicking her tiny legs. As David leaned over the cot he made eye contact with her for the first time and with a few more kicks and cries she stopped crying. ‘Thank fuck for that. Go to sleep now!’

  He turned to return to his bed, but as soon as Sophia could not see David she started to cry again. With another curse he turned back and looked down on her, staring into her green eyes. With a gurgle and another kick, David was sure that she chuckled and smiled at him. Relieved again that she had stopped crying, he returned to bed. As soon as he had pulled the duvet back over him and closed his eyes the crying started again.

  Now continually cursing David got up again and stormed over to the side of her cot. ‘What? What do you want?!’ Again, as soon as Sophia saw David she stopped crying. ‘Right, what is wrong with you? I’m trying to sleep!’

  Gurgling and kicking some more David looked down into those green eyes and his heart skipped a beat. ‘Right, well, maybe you want some attention? If I give you some attention will you let me go to sleep? You’re going to be a right one in eighteen years. How the hell do you pick up a baby?’

  Placing a tentative arm under her legs and one under her head, he carefully lifted her up and placed her against his chest. Her big green eyes looked into his blue and again he was sure she smiled at him. Gently he rocked her in his arms and he walked over to the chair carefully lowering himself into it, reclining backwards. David rested her again against his chest, holding her firmly.

  She was warm and he studied her tiny fingers and toes. As he lifted her hand with his index finger her own fingers wrapped round his finger with surprising strength and her eyes met his again. ‘Has your mother been training you to break my heart?’

  Looking into her emerald green eyes he saw them close briefly, and then with a struggle she opened them again to look into his eyes. They closed again, half opened and then closed as she fell quickly asleep. Rocking gently in the chair, her warmth and the feel of her body was comforting to David and it was not too long before his eyes started to droop and soon he was asleep with Sophia wrapped securely and firmly in his arms.

  *

  A ray of sunshine through the thin curtains struck Sally’s face waking her from her sleep. When she opened her emerald eyes she was surprised to see David’s side of the bed was empty. Rolling over to get out of bed her eyes saw David asleep in the chair with Sophia being cradled in his arms also fast asleep.

  Rays of early morning sunshine were lighting them with an ethereal quality. As soon as she saw this sight before her, tears welled up in her eyes and she grabbed her cheap mobile phone off the bedside table. Even though it was cheap, the phone still had a camera function and she took a picture of David and Sophia, a picture that she would grow to treasure.

  For an hour she lay in bed looking at the man she still loved with all her heart, cradling her beloved daughter. She noted how David’s finger was being grasped by one of Sophia’s hands and using the zoom function she took a photograph of this image. Unfortunately the perfect scene before her of father with child was broken shortly after by Jacob waking and starting to cry. His cries woke Sophia straight away and showing her indignation at being woken from such a deep slumber, she also burst into tears.

  This woke David and his eyes met Sally’s. She smiled at him, and for the first time in as long as Sally could remember, he smiled back at her. ‘I think she got me at a moment of weakness.’

  ‘So she’s already a minx who can manipulate men however she wants to?’

  ‘Looks like it.’

  ‘Want to help me feed them?’

  ‘I’ll feed…’ David stopped, unable to complete the sentence.

  ‘The name of your daughter is Sophia. The name of your son is Jacob. Come through to the kitchen and you can make Sophia’s bottle. You’re holding her properly which is a good start I suppose.’

  ‘I guessed.’

  ‘Come on.’

  Sally got out of bed and took the few steps to pick up Jacob who was now giving full voice and taking David’s hand she led him through to the kitchen. Giving him precise instructions she helped him make Sophia’s bottle while she made Jacob’s and then they all returned to the bedroom where David sat back in the chair to feed Sophia and Sally perched on the bed feeding Jacob. All that day Sophia did not leave David’s arms. He fed her again and changed her nappy a couple of times, cuddling her in his arms and not even turning on the television throughout the whole day.

  At night, David wanted to sleep with Sophia in his arms again but Sally did not let him. ‘No, I’m sorry David; she needs to sleep in the cot. She can’t sleep in your arms every night because she’ll get used to it and never be able to sleep on her own. If she wakes in the night feel free to tend to her and you can look after her tomorrow again.’

  ‘I’ll look forward to it.’

  With a care that she had not seen in him for months, David lay his daughter in the cot and tucked the blankets around her. Standing over her he only left her side when she was sound asleep and then he got into bed with Sally. He was surprised when Sally draped an arm over him. It was the first show of affection either of them had shown to each other for months and months. ‘Did you enjoy looking after your daughter?’

  ‘She’s got your eyes.’

  ‘And Jacob has got your eyes.’

  ‘Has he?’

  ‘Yes. It would be good if you spent some time with him too.’

  ‘I might. Sophia has got me wrapped round her little finger at the moment.’

  ‘I can’t tell you how happy I am to see you as happy as you’ve been today.’

  ‘I’ve enjoyed it. I’ll look forward to caring for her more.’

  ‘Good. Night honey.’ Sally gave him a light kiss on his cheek and then rolled over and switched off the bedside lamp.

  David did not sleep much that night. Instead he did a lot of thinking.

  The first subject he could not help thinking about as he saw the duvet bulging over his belly was how much weight he had put on. Then his thoughts turned to Sophia, and now also Jacob slipped into them.

  The last year since the accident had been the hardest of his life. Knowing and living with the fact that his driving had killed his best friend and ruined Michelle’s and Sally’s lives had been eating him from the inside. The only way he could cope was to ignore everyone and drink until drunk every day, staring at the television. He had not thought until now about how Sally had supported him, how much love and effort she had given him in his time of need and how horribly he had treated her. And now he had two children that needed caring for.

  Even now, even though he had rejected the babies outright, Sally had still stood by him. What kind of person did she have to be in order to do that? How could she still love him so much despite the way he had been acting? These thoughts raced and crashed through his head all night, and even when he tended to Sophia when she woke he carried on thinking about the mess he was in.

  As he stood over her cot, he glanced over at his son, and his heart missed a beat as tears started to brim in his eyes. It was then that he made his decision to straighten out his life and the lives of his family once and for all.

  *

  When Sally woke because the babies were crying she was again surprised to see that David was not in bed. Glancing at the clock she saw it was eight in the morning and she stood up out of bed to tend to the children. When they had settled she quickly looked through the apartment for David and was concerned when all the rooms were empty.

  For the rest of the morning she anxiously looked after the babies and it was only in the early afternoon that she heard the door to the apartment open and David walked into the lounge. He ignored Sally at first and walked over to where Sophia was lying in her cot. He bent over a
nd kissed her forehead and then he touched Jacob’s cheek as he turned to look at Sally.

  ‘Where have you been? I’ve been worried.’

  ‘Sorry, but I didn’t want to wake you when I left. I’ve been to the job centre and then to a job interview.’

  ‘A job interview?’ Sally’s surprise clearly showed on her face.

  ‘Yeah, a job interview. I’m not completely useless you know.’

  ‘I didn’t say you were. And?’

  ‘Well, I got it!’

  ‘You got it?! Wow! Fantastic!’ She ran across the room and threw her arms around him, giving him a big hug.

  ‘Well don’t get too excited. It’s only labouring on a site, minimum wage.’

  ‘I don’t care! It’s a start! I’m so happy for you!’

  ‘I gave a different name.’

  ‘Oh. Why?’

  ‘Your dad. Hopefully he won’t find out about it.’

  ‘Yeah, of course. Sorry you have to do that.’

  ‘It’s okay. They pay cash so it’s not like I’m going to be getting cheques made out in this other name.’

  ‘Sounds perfect. I’m so happy for you!’ She hugged him tighter and Sophia did not like this at all. While they were hugging she screwed up her eyes and burst into tears, crying as loud as they had ever heard her cry. ‘Oh my! She’s jealous of me!’

  Quickly David bent down and scooped her into his arms and almost instantly she stopped crying and snuggled her head against his chest. ‘You know something, I think she is!’

  ‘Looks like I’ve got some pretty serious competition!’ Sally exclaimed.