Slave Girl

by Patricia C. McKissack

  Tuesday, October 4, 1859

  Mr Harms fussed at William about saying ’cause instead of because. I learned it, too.

  Later I took Hince his meal down at the stables. We talked for a good while. Him and me talking is fun. The words just pop right out of my head without me thinking on them long. “You ever think of running away?”

  He studied on that for a spell. “Sometimes.”

  “What would you do if you was free?”

  “I figures, if I be a free man, I could hire myself out as a jockey. I’d bet on myself and win and win and win, ’til I had ’nuf money to buy all of y’als freedom – Spicy, Aunt Tee, you, Clotee. That’s what I would do.”

  When nobody was looking I wrote F-R-E-E-D-O-M in flour. It still don’t show me no picture.

  Later the same day

  True to her word, Eva Mae told Mas’ Henley that I’d been staying in the Quarters with Aunt Tee instead of in the kitchen. He spoke to me about it when we served him the last meal.

  “Aunt Tee is like my mama,” I said. “I’d like to stay with her.”

  “You want to stay down in the Quarters with Aunt Tee? Well, what does your mistress say about this?”

  “I haven’t asked her.”

  “When she comes home, ask her. See what she says. I’ll go along with what she says. You’re one of her favourites.”

  Me? I never thought of myself as being favoured by Miz Lilly, unless she wanted something from me.

  Wednesday, October 5, 1859

  Mas’ Henley pitched a red-in-the-face fit ’bout Eva Mae’s fried chicken. He called it tasteless slop! Serves him right.

  Thursday, October 6, 1859

  Tonight Spicy took me by the hand and led me to a hollowed out tree. My heart sank when I realized that it was the tree where my diary was hid. Had she found my diary? All of a sudden, Spicy blurted out that she had a book. To prove it, she reached in and pulled out a Bible. My diary was just inches away. “I’ve wanted to tell you this forever, but I been scared,” she said.

  Spicy had a Bible that had been her mama’s. “My mama could read and write,” said Spicy. Then she told me her mama’s story. It was like others I’d heard. Spicy’s mama tried to run away, but each time she got caught and beat bad. Finally her mas’er say if she ran away she was gon’ get sold. Spicy’s mama learned how to write – took her a while. Spicy was borned and still she kept learning. Then one day, she wrote herself a pass and tried to run again. But a slave who worked in the Big House told the mistress and she got caught. Before they sent Spicy’s mama to the Deep South, she slipped Spicy the Bible.

  “I done kept it all these years,” Spicy said. “I cain’t read a word that’s in it, not yet. One day I will. But even if I don’t ever read, I’ll keep this Bible forever. It is all I have that b’longed to my mama.”

  Spicy hugged the book to her chest. “Nobody in the world knows about this book ’cept’n you. And I trust you won’t tell, ’cause we’re good friends.”

  Should I share my secret with Spicy? Good sense tells me that I shouldn’t. But I want to so, so bad.

  Monday, October 10, 1859

  Mr Harms came storming into the kitchen, sputtering and making a grand fuss. He made Eva Mae and me stop what we was doing and listen to him.

  “This has come to my attention,” he said, holding up Spicy’s Bible. “If it belongs to one of you, I want to know, now!” His eyes moved from face to face. “Speak,” he shouted.

  He could have saved his breath. Neither one of us owned it.

  “I’m going to report this to Miz Lilly when she returns,” he said.

  “Yes, Mas’ Harms,” said Eva Mae.

  The tutor tucked Spicy’s Bible under his arm. “Come with me, Clotee,” he said. Outside the kitchen, he whispered matter-of-factly. “The view from my room is interesting.” What did he mean by that?

  Tuesday, October 11, 1859

  After breakfast, I slipped into Mr Harms’ bedroom. Standing in the side window, I got a clear view of the woods and especially the tree where my diary and Spicy’s Bible were hidden. Thanks be there were no other bedroom windows at that end of the house.

  What is going on? Mr Harms knows my secret for sure. He must have seen Spicy and me at the tree when she showed me her Bible. But why didn’t he tell Miz Lilly or Mas’ Henley? I’m beginning to think there is more to this strange man than any of us really knows.

  Later that same night

  My suspections are right. Mr Harms is not who he seems to be. When I went to move my diary from the hollow of the tree, there was a note fixed to it.

  I know you can read and write.

  Please be careful. I will speak to you soon.

  The note was signed “H” for Harms.

  I hid my diary under my dress and hurried to find Spicy. I didn’t want to put her in the heat of things, but she already was. It broke my heart to tell her that Mr Harms had found her Bible. But it hurt even worser for Spicy to think I’d tattled on her. Even when I showed her how easy it was for him to see us through his window, she still didn’t b’lieve me. “If that’s true, then why didn’t he tell Mas’ Henley?”

  I had no choice at that point but to ’fess everything. I took a deep breath and showed her my diary and the note Mr Harms had left. Spicy took me straight to Aunt Tee.

  Daybreak Sunday, October 16, 1859

  The roosters just crowed. Thank God it’s Sunday and not a full workday. Aunt Tee, Spicy and me sat up all night talking. There are no secrets between us now. I’m glad in a way. In fact, I am writing in my diary right here in Aunt Tee’s cabin. At first, she was ’gainst my learning – but she say now that she was just scared – didn’t want me beaten or sold away. “I will not stand in the way of what might be the Lord’s work being done through you, chile.”

  She even said for me to hide my papers in her cabin. My diary will be safe with her. I worry that I’ve made life unsure for Aunt Tee and Spicy. If they get caught with my papers, we could all be in sinking sand. Maybe Mr Harms will be able to help. But who is he, really? I got some ideas, but I dare not put voice to them yet.

  Later

  Aunt Tee and Spicy don’t think I should trust Mr Harms all the way. But he hasn’t done nothing to make me not trust him.

  I have looked at the one-eyed man’s picture over and over. He don’t look at all like Mr Harms, but for after all that’s been happening, I think Mr Harms might know the one-eyed man. Mr Harms isn’t from the Philadelphia, the New York or the Boston. He’s from Virginia. Can a southern mas’er be an abolitionist? Mr Harms said in his note that he would speak to me. Maybe I’ll get answers to some of these questions then.

  Monday, October 17, 1859

  “Will you teach me to write my name?” Spicy asked.

  I’ve never really thought about teaching anybody else how to write. I’ve always been the one learning. I used the poker to write letters in the ashes. Spicy and Aunt Tee looked on with wondering eyes. For the first time I been able to share my secret with somebody. I love seeing them smiling at the letters that makes up their names. I feel warm and good inside. What good is knowing if I cain’t never use it to do some good. Spicy made an S. And Aunt Tee made a T. We’ve had our first lesson.

  Tuesday, October 18, 1859

  Mr Harms knows that I know that he knows I can read and write. But he has not said a word to me about it. Treats me the same as always. When will he speak to me?

  Meanwhile, Miz Lilly aine back yet, so our housework is not as hard, but Mas’ Henley’s been around all week in his study. I couldn’t get ink out. But Aunt Tee helped me make a mixture of charcoal ash and blackberry wine. It makes a good ink until I can do better.

  Wednesday, October 19, 1859

  The days are getting shorter, and it’s cool in the mornings during study time. Today Mr Harms changed the study time to early afternoon when it is still hot enough to need a fanner. I would say thank you, but I dare not. He say he will speak to me, so I got to wait.
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br />   Sunday, October 23, 1859

  Mas’ went to fetch Miz Lilly from Richmond. We had the whole day to ourselves again. Trouble is, William wanted to come down to the Quarters to the meeting. Mr Harms thought it was a good idea. ’Course, we didn’t, but what could we say?

  At the meeting, Rufus talked about the three boys in the fiery furnace: Shadrach, Meshach, Abedego. Then Rufus sang a song. We all joined in. I looked over at William and Mr Harms and they were singing and clapping their hands, too.

  My God’s a good God. It is so.

  I woke up this morning and by God’s pure grace I go.

  Yes, God is a great God, this I know.

  We shared a table the way we always do after service. Mr Harms took William back to the house in his rolling chair. I stayed to be with Wook for a little while longer. All the smile is gone out of her eyes. I rubbed her feet, because they were so swollen. That’s when she broke down and cried, saying she hated her husband, Lee. He had got a pass to visit, but came just to say he didn’t love her. Lee wants to marry somebody else.

  Monday, October 24, 1859

  Miz Lilly is home. Lord have mercy. Mas’ and Hince left the same day for races in Charleston. We all been busy washing and ironing her travel clothes – scrubbing, scrubbing. Nothing suits her. And she aine stopped going on about how filthy the house is.

  Tuesday, October 25, 1859

  I caught Miz Lilly in her room at a good time, and asked her if I could stay with Aunt Tee in the Quarters ’stead of in the kitchen.

  I knew just how to get what I wanted out of her. I say to her, “Miz Lilly, I was thinking if you let me stay with Aunt Tee down in the Quarters, I can watch and know if somebody’s talking runaway talk.”

  She studied on that notion. “You’ve never told me one thing about anybody. Why now, Clotee?”

  I had to think fast and talk straight. “I figure if I help you, then you’ll give me nice things like you do Missy.”

  That fooled her good! She let me stay in Aunt Tee’s cabin, but I still got to work with Eva Mae in the kitchen and help Missy with the housework. It’s a little bit like the way it used to be – Aunt Tee and Spicy and me talking all hours of the night. Now, I’ll be able to write more often and not cause suspection. It’s no where near as warm or as nice as the kitchen. When I write H-O-M-E, I see here in the cabin. Home aine a place – it’s a feeling of being loved and wanted. Wherever Aunt Tee and Spicy are that’s home to me.

  Friday, October 28, 1859

  Been working all week. Today is the first time I’ve had a minute to write. Most nights I just fall asleep on my pallet, next to Spicy. We all too tired to talk, but it’s so good being back together again under the same roof – even though it leaks.

  Saturday, October 29, 1859

  Aunt Tee has found a way to be useful again. She made herself a job. All the hands in the Quarters work so hard, they be too tired to cook in the evening. So, she’s done started cooking for everybody. Whatever the folk can rake together, they bring it to Aunt Tee. She adds it together to make a bigger pot. They come home in the evening to a big pot. Today they had rabbit stew, wild turnips and ho’cakes fixed by the best cook in Virginia.

  After last meal the same day

  I picked up pieces of talk at dinner. Mr Harms was telling Miz Lilly about the Bible he’d found, but he said he found it down by the river. “Yes, Eva Mae told me you’d found a Bible and that you were trying to say it belonged to her or Clotee. Why would you think it belonged to one of the slaves and not a member of the Big House?”

  “Slaves steal so badly,” said Mr Harms. “When anything is missing or lost, I always begin with the house slaves. They are the ones most likely guilty.”

  Mr Harms was sounding like a mas’er. But when I looked closer, the Bible he showed Miz Lilly wasn’t Spicy’s at all. Mr Harms was helping Spicy and me, but at the same time finding favour with Miz Lilly. I felt myself smile inside.

  Then Mr Harms asked if Miz Lilly knew that William has some feeling in his toes? She didn’t know – she never takes time to know about such things. Mr Harms asked if he could use hot water treatments on William’s legs. Say he’d learned the treatment from a doctor over in Washington.

  “Only if Dr Lamb says it is all right.”

  Then, he asked for Missy to help him with the treatments. “No,” said Miz Lilly, “Missy is attending to me. Use Clotee.”

  Mr Harms knew just how to charm Miz Lilly. If he had asked for me, she never would have let me help. What is Mr Harms up to?

  Monday, October 31, 1859

  It’s shoe-wearing time again. I hate putting on William’s old hard shoes.

  Eva Mae, Missy and me just about harvested everything from the house garden and preserved, pickled or dried it. The collards are ready to be picked, but Aunt Tee say wait til’ the frost hits them, first. This is my favourite time of the year, when the summer heat gives way to fall coolness. I can finally get a good sleep.

  Wednesday, November 2, 1859

  Hince and Mas’ Henley came back home winners. They also had a fine new horse, a beauty named Canterbury’s Watch. He’s not as spirited as Dancer, but Hince says he’s a strong runner – steady. Hince calls him “Can”, because he “can run”. Miz Lilly came out on the porch, took one look at the horse, stepped back inside and slammed the door.

  It was good to have Hince home. Although he spends most of his time with the horses, I miss hearing him laughing and how the sound floats up to the kitchen from the stables.

  I told him I was staying in Aunt Tee’s cabin down in the Quarters, but I still work up in the kitchen and Big House. “I’m glad you with Aunt Tee,” he said. “Somebody to see after her.”

  Then Hince s’prised me with a piece of red satin ribbon. It was as grand as anything Miz Lilly owned. And it was all mine. Didn’t have to slip and play with it. Hince say he had bought it with money he won, betting on himself.

  “I was going to wait until the Big Times to give it to you, but I couldn’t wait. How do you like it?”

  The word came straight from my heart and burst out of my mouth. “Beautiful!” Whenever I write B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L, I will see my red ribbon. It makes me feel pretty and like I want to dance and dance.

  Sunday, November 6, 1859

  Hince bought Spicy a measure of cloth and Aunt Tee a comb for her hair. All three of us wore our gifts to meeting. All the women in the Quarters was jealous – but Missy was so mad, she didn’t stay through the whole service. Rufus talked on love.

  “Love is not jealous,” he said, winking at the three of us. I should have been ashamed of being so proud of my red ribbon, but I wasn’t. I just held my head higher.

  Monday, November 7, 1859

  Missy come in the kitchen waving a white handkerchief with purple and yellow pansies on each corner. Lord, who has that girl gone and told on?

  Tuesday, November 8, 1859

  Missy told Miz Lilly all about the gifts Hince had bought us – mad because he didn’t bring her nothing back. Miz Lilly took it straight to Mas’ Henley.

  Mas’ Henley rang the plantation bell. All of us come running to the front of the house. Mas’ Henley lead us to the stables. Oh, no. Somebody was getting ready to get a beating.

  When Mas’ grabbed Hince, my breath cut short.

  “How’d you get money to buy gifts?” he asked Hince.

  “I used the eating money you gives me to bet on myself to win – and I winned,” he say, not feeling like he’d done no wrong.

  Mas’ Henley reached and got a buggy whip. “Where’d you get the idea that you could slip behind my back and place bets?” He told Hince to lean over and hold on to the wagon wheel. Hince couldn’t b’lieve he was getting a whupping. Neither could I.

  “But Mas’, I didn’t slip. I placed the bet, free and open.”

  Mas’ Henley beat Hince. Gave him ten hard licks while we all was made to watch. I closed my eyes and balled my hands in a fist so tight my fingernails dug in the heel of my han
d. I wanted to holler out when I heard the swish of the whip hitting my brother-friend’s back.

  Everybody knew Hince was Mas’ Henley’s bread and butter – filled his pockets. If Hince got a beating, then what would ol’ Mas’ do if we got caught doing anything – anything. It didn’t have to be wrong – just something he didn’t like. Mas’ Henley promised never to give Hince eating money when they was out on a trip. Say he could starve to death.

  Wonder how Missy feels about herself, now? Was getting Hince a whupping worth that ugly handkerchief? We used to let Missy get away with fighting and hitting, because we thought she was pretty and all. I even wanted to be like her. But if being pretty means being that ugly inside, then Lord let me stay plain. Aunt Tee always say what go around, come around. Missy got it coming for what she did.

  Wednesday, November 9, 1859

  Aunt Tee took care of Hince’s wounds. The buggy whip cut his skin, but not as deep as a cat-o’-nine. Hince was shamed, at first – shame of being whupped in front of everybody. Being a winning jockey didn’t help him none. Mas’ Henley beat him just the same.

  Spicy and me tried to cheer him up by talking about Mas’ Henley in the worse way. He felt some better. I could see it in his face.

  One day when the abolitionists come they will stop all this beating. I wonder how far off that day is?

  Friday, November 11, 1859

  It rained all day – a slow rain. Turned cold afterwards. Miz Lilly called me to her room. Then we went up in the attic. There were all kinds of boxes up there – things I’d never seen before. Dresses, coats, hats. It smelled of ol’ and the dust made me sneeze.

  Miz Lilly opened a creaky trunk and pulled out a pair of shoes and a dress that musta b’longed to her daughter. She handed them to me. I had never had no real shoes or a pretty dress. Just the plain white pull-overs Aunt Tee stitched up for me.