Jaxson

by K. Renee

  Nodding my head, I help her to the edge of the tub and the walk out without looking back at her. Walking out of the room, I take her clothes to the laundry room and check her pocket before I stick them in the washer. Pulling out what looks like a picture, I stick it on the dryer. Every ounce of me wants to look at the photo, but I hate to betray her trust when I finally got her to talk to me again.

  I start the washer, leaving the lid open to toss the rest of her clothes in when she’s done in the bath, I grab the photo and take it with me to grab her some clean clothes. The picture is burning a hole in my hand, so I take a peek at it. When I see the sweet little face of Lyndley’s mini me, I feel like I can’t breathe. I drop the sweats and shirt I found for her onto the floor. I have so many damn questions, I don’t even know what to do right now.

  She’s been carrying this photo for who knows how long and this is the first time I’ve even seen it. Our daughter. I hear the tub start to drain, but I can’t move from the place I’m rooted to. Running my fingers over the sweet baby's face, I feel my chest tighten. She yells out my name and I remember that I need to give her the clean clothes. Finally moving, I make my way into the bathroom and hand her the clothes. I can feel my frown even before she sees it.

  When I try to say something, none of the words in my head can express what I’m feeling right now. I’m hurt, upset, sad, happy and bitter all at the same time. I open my mouth, but then I think better of it. If I say something, it’s probably going to be the wrong thing and I might ruin the progress that we’ve already made.

  Turning on my heel, I make my way back into the room and take a seat on the edge of my bed, pull the picture out of my pocket and just stare at it, memorizing every inch of the beautiful little girl that I never got to meet.

  After a few minutes she starts to hobble into the room, but I can’t even look at her yet. Looking at her makes me think of the little girl in the picture and it’s tearing me up inside. I feel her brush up against me, I have to fight the anger that’s rising in me. When she sits down, I finally say something. “Were you going to tell me you had a picture of her?” My voice isn’t my own and it’s like I’m someone else completely. I would never talk to her like that, but I have to have an answer.

  “Yes. The doctor let me have a picture of her before I had to say goodbye.” A tear slowly falls down my face, I feel like the breath is being sucked out of me. There are so many things I want to say, but I can’t get any words out. She looks like she wants to hug me or something, but she doesn’t move from her spot on the bed.

  “She looks just like you, Lynd,” I finally choke out. Looking up at her, I can see the tears that are pooling in her eyes. “God, she was fucking perfect. A beautiful little angel that was the spitting image of her beautiful mother.”

  “If you want, you can have that picture of her. I have one more in my bag at my parents’ house.” Nodding my head, I look back at the photo and run my finger over her little cheeks. Lyndley sobs and I pull her into my arms. Laying us back on the bed, I let her cry on me and I just hold her tightly. We don’t say anything for a long while, but I think we both needed this.

  Closing my eyes, I let the tears slide down my face and I just let all the emotions fall over me.

  It’s almost noon by the time we finally get out of bed. The sweats I gave her are a few sizes too big and she has a hard time keeping them up. I go to make my way to the kitchen and ask Lyndley, “You hungry?” I hear the door open and close and I know Tate is back for lunch. Typically, we eat together, so he won’t be all that thrilled that Lyndley is here.

  She hobbles in behind me. I want to carry her, but she insisted that she could make it on her own. “No.” Her voice is meek and she takes a seat on one of the chairs at the table. I start to make some shredded chicken tacos with the leftovers from yesterday when I grilled chicken for dinner.

  Tate was pissed when he walked in and every time I look over at him I can see the daggers he’s shooting at her. He takes a seat at the table and I see Lynd look down. "So has she told you where your daughter's buried?" he says with disdain.

  "Shut up, Tate!" I snap. "Let me fucking deal with it. It has nothing to do with you. It's between me and Lyndley."

  The chair scrapes against the tile as Tate pushes away from the table, mumbling. He doesn’t even say anything else as he walks out the door, slamming it behind him. I try not to let all the animosity between them come between Lynd and me. I need to fucking tell that fucker to stop trying to mess this shit up with me and her. I want Lynd even after everything and that’s not going to change. He’s going to have to accept that at some point.

  I finish making the food and plate everything before bringing it to the table and setting a plate in front of Lyndley. We sit in silence for a long while and my mind is just reeling with shit. I don’t want to ask her where our daughter is buried and bring it up, but I am hoping she answers the question before I take her home tonight.

  She clears her throat and then tells me the answer I am dying to know. "She's buried in New York at Saint Peter’s.”

  My eyes snap to hers and I’m pretty sure I look like a fish out of water for a second… "I want to bring her here. She belongs in Texas with her family.”

  "I want her here, too. I miss being able to go sit with her,” she finally gets out. She looks like she’s going to cry again, I wish I could take away her pain. I would gladly take it all if I could.

  "You'd be okay with having her brought here?" I ask. I am praying she says yes because I want our little girl here with all of her family. Texas is where she belongs, not in New York all alone.

  "Yes,” she whispers. She looks at her hands for a second before looking back up at me. "But I don't know how to move her or how much it would cost. I had to save for months just to get her buried there."

  Grabbing her hand, I pull it towards me and kiss her knuckles. “I’ll take care of everything.” I don’t care how much it is going to cost me to bring her here; I will make sure she’s here where she belongs.

  “What have you been doing since I’ve been in New York?” She’s now laying on the other side of the bed from me and her head is on my pillow. I’ve seriously have dreamed about this for years. She probably thinks I’m crazy, but I don’t even care. Having her in the home that I built for us makes things feel like they are right for the first time in years.

  “I’ve been doing this.” I’m laying on the other side and my eyes are on her.

  “Doing what exactly?” She gives me a cute little grin and I love seeing the happy look on her face.

  “Everything on the ranch. I do all the chores now and make sure all the animals are fed and everything. I mend the fences, stall cleaning, feeding, turnout, barn cleanliness and organization, maintenance, barn chores, exercising horses, and grooming. I’m a one-man shop baby.” She starts to giggle and her hand goes to my chest. I'm not really a one-man shop. I have four guys that work for me, not including when Tate helps out.

  Her eyes widen, and she tries pull away. Grabbing her wrist, I pull her closer to me and rest my arm around her. At first she’s tense, but after a few minutes she loosens up again. I pull her closer and she puts her hand on my chest to keep a little bit of a distance between us. “How was New York?”

  She looks down for a second before she looks back into my eyes. “It was amazing at first. I went everywhere and took pictures everywhere.” She looks down and messes with her hands before looking back up at me. “I’ll bring the pictures one day so you can see mine and Gracilyn’s adventures. We did and saw everything. You’ll get to see how big I got.” A tear slips down her face and I reach to wipe it off. “I loved it there, but I was always missing one thing.”

  Swallowing the lump in my throat, I wait for her to continue. I need her to say the words in order to believe it. She looked so damn happy when I went to see her in New York, so I can’t bring myself to believe that she missed me at all while she was gone. “I missed you so damn much. If I would have kn
own you were in New York, I would have dropped everything. Hell, I probably would have begged you to stay with me so we could raise her together.”

  She has no fucking idea how much I would have wanted that. How much I wanted to walk up to that asshole she was walking with when I saw her, but I didn’t. I just watched them from a distance. I saw when he kissed her cheek and when he wrapped his arm around her as he led her to some shitty ass fucking car.

  “Pretty sure the pretty boy asshole you were with wouldn’t have liked that.” I can feel my face turn up in a sneer and I see her start to smile.

  “Jealous much?” she giggles.

  “Yeah he had my wife all cuddled up in his arms and I wanted to break them.” I frown and she leans forward and presses a light kiss to my nose.

  “He wasn’t my boyfriend. I know I probably made you think he was the other day, but he was just a friend.” I shake my head no and she wrinkles her nose. “What?”

  “Baby, that kid was not just your friend. No man would honestly just do that to a girl he was friends with. If he wasn’t getting any from you, I have no idea what he was thinking. I definitely wouldn’t let that fly between us, but then again I got to fuck you all the time.” I waggle my eyebrows at her and she shakes her head.

  “You’re too much.” She groans, pushing against my chest. “When did you get your dog?”

  “I got him about a year after dad died. He was pretty much one of the only things that keep me going at some points. Losing my father was one of the hardest things I’ve ever been through.” She puts her hand on my cheek and I close my eyes, just feeling her touch.

  “What were the other things?” I raise an eyebrow at her and she urges me to continue.

  “Losing you and now finding out about losing Gracilyn.” Her name feels foreign on my tongue and I have a hard time thinking about it. All the emotions hit me like a ton of bricks, I have to take a deep breath before I can even look at her again. She grabs my hand, linking our fingers together in support. She can calm me unlike anyone else and I’m just thankful she isn’t a bitch trying to pour salt into the wounds.

  “I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you over the years.” she whispers. Instead of saying anything to that, I lean forward and gently kiss her lips.

  A little after seven, I feed Max and then take Lyndley home to her parent’s place. After we put ice on her leg, she was able to walk a little better and a lot of the swelling had gone down. When we pull up, I put my truck in park and look at the front window of her childhood home. I see her mom look out the window and watch us for a few moments.

  “She must think I'm gonna attack you on the front porch like I used to,” I laugh. When I look over at her, she has a smile on her face, I love being the one who puts it there.

  "Yeah. She probably thinks we ran off again,” she says, opening her door.

  "She knows?" I ask looking back towards the house. I wonder what else she’s told her mom. I know they were really close, but hell I’m close with my momma and still haven’t even told her.

  I see her nod out of the corner of my eye. "I'm sorry I told her. I just needed to talk to someone before I told you about the baby. It was the lesser of two evils.”

  "Well, we are still legally married, so I can kiss you whenever I want." Instead of giving her time to second guess it, I lean towards her, my hand grazing her perfect jaw and tangling my fingers in her hair. My tongue slips into her mouth. She lets me take control for a brief second before whatever is going through her mind catches up and puts the breaks on everything.

  She pulls away, and places a quick peck on my cheek. "Thank you for everything today. Sorry I kept you from the ranch. I would have been fine alone."

  "It was my pleasure. Plus, we got to talk about a lot of things that needed to be talked about. Thank you for being honest with me." She has a small smile on her face, it’s good to see her even the slightest bit happy, even if it's short lived

  "What's going to happen between us, Jax?" She looks down at the ground again and I can tell it’s because she’s nervous about the answer.

  Smiling at her, I give it to her like it is. There are no if’s, and’s or but’s about it. I will be making her mine again. "Lyndley, you and I are going to get through this. Married. Lots of babies.”

  "You still want to be with me even after everything?"

  Nodding at her, I lean into her body. "We can take it slow if you want, but it is gonna happen. I'm tired of waiting for us to figure it out." I crush my mouth to hers and kiss her deeply this time. I don’t let her pull away and I force her to stay in the moment with me. She has to know how much I love her. She finally pulls away and I smirk at her. “Let me help you out.”

  I get out of the truck and go around to her side. She tries to get out on her own, but I stop her and lean in to whisper, "I'll do whatever you need me to do to make this work between us. I never should have let you leave that day. I won’t make that mistake twice. I know we still have some stuff to work out, but I only want you.”

  “Okay…” Judging by the uncertainty in her voice, I think I stunned her. Well it’s probably for the best since she’s always saying how she doesn’t deserve me and that she isn’t the same girl from before. I’m going to prove her wrong. I’m going to make sure she is treated like the princess she is and always has been.

  Walking her to the front door, I turn and press a gentle kiss to her lips. I watch her open the door and start to make her way inside. When she glances back, I leave her with a smile and a wink before making my way to my truck and getting in. Taking one last look at the door that she disappeared behind, I start my truck and back out of the drive, making my way back to my house.

  When I get home, I throw a tennis ball around with Max for a while before my phone beeps with a text. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I can only assume that it’s Tate still being pissed off, but it’s not. Instead I feel like the wind got knocked out of me when I open the message from Lyn.

  Lynnie: I wish I could bring her back. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat.

  Me: Darlin’, she will always be with us. Thank you for the photo. It means a lot that you’d share it with me.

  Lynnie: You deserve to know her like I did. I’m sorry for taking away your choice.

  Me: There was nothing you could have done differently. God had better things for her to do up there. My old man needed her more than we did ☺.

  Lynnie: I bet she is having the time of her life. Your dad is probably spoiling her ☺.

  Me: Ha, yeah, I bet he is.

  She doesn’t text me back, so I go back to the photo and just stare at it. The bear is cute, but small. It was the first and only gift our little girl received.

  Max comes to a halt at my feet and he rubs his nose and ball against my leg. Reaching down, I grab the ball out of his mouth and toss it one last time before I make my way towards the house. Saving the photo to my phone, I close out of the message and put it as my background. I want to be able to see her beautiful face every time I look at my phone.

  Looking up at the sky as Max comes running up; I pray that she’s having a good time with my pops, that they are both looking down over us and our families. Blowing out a breath, I open the door and Max darts inside towards his water bowl.

  It’s been a few days since I’ve seen Lyndley and I’ve been dying to just see or talk to her. Tate called this morning and said that he wanted to meet me at the diner for breakfast. Part of me thinks he has an ulterior motive, but I show up anyways.

  I see Lyndley talking to Tate at our table and it looks a little heated. I see her walk towards the back as I walk in the door. She comes walking back and almost collides into me, not that I mind. “Hey, darlin’,” I breathe.

  “Hi, Jax.” she squeaks out. She looks up at me and I can see that she wasn’t expecting to see me this morning.

  “You work here now?” I grin. She nods her head and looks back towards the table that Tate is still occupying.
When I look over at Tate, he has a sour look on his face, but Lynd just smiles at him. “Are you our waitress?” I lead her towards our table and she finally shakes her head no, pointing to another area of the dinner.

  “That’s too bad.” I lean into her and her hands go to my stomach. “I was thinking. Let’s go out on a real date. I’ll pick you up, take you to a movie and dinner. What do you think?”

  She grins up at me and says, “I’d love to.”

  Shocked by her answer, my grin comes back. “I’ll call you later and we can set it up.” My hand goes to the top of her jeans and I run my finger along her soft skin. Kissing her cheek, I watch her walk away before I take a seat across from Tate who has a frown on his face.

  “What is your deal?” I finally ask after I look at the menu for a minute.

  “She’s sinking her claws into you again and I don’t want to have to pick your ass off the fucking ground when she destroys you. I’ve done it once and I don’t want to do it again.” He hisses across the table.

  Leaning forward, I get that he’s trying to protect me and shit, but he doesn’t get a say in what happens between Lyndley and I. “I get that you don’t want us together all of a sudden, but that isn’t going to stop me from pursuing her. I love her. Always have, always will. Nothing is going to change that. Either deal with it or stay the fuck out of it.” The waitress comes over and takes our order before he can say anything back to me.

  He huffs out in disapproval, but I won’t let him come in between us. I need Lynd more than he even knows.

  We spend the rest of the time at the diner eating pretty much in silence and every few minutes I catch a glimpse of Lyndley as she takes orders, smiles, and refills drinks. She’s beautiful in every way, I can’t wait to get her out for a night on the town. If anyone deserves it, she does.