Jaxson

by K. Renee

  She wraps her arms around my neck and sighs before kissing my lips gently. “Okay.” Her voice is barely over a whisper and I finally feel like I’m home again.

  I watch her walk out of my office and I turn my attention back to the payroll that I’m almost done with. Once I finish entering the rest of the numbers in, I print the checks. Looking at the photo on my desk my mind flashes back to the past.

  Our plans were set and in just a few weeks, Lynnie and I were supposed to be driving to New York together for school. We had been talking about going all year long, it was starting to get real as the days went by.

  As I watched my pops walk towards me, I could tell something was not right. He looked almost like he was having trouble walking and he would stop to take deep breaths. “You okay pops?” I finally ask. I don’t think I really want to know the answer, but I ask anyways.

  “I’ll be good kid.” he says with a heavy sigh. I feel my chest start to tighten, I know that he’s about to tell me something that I’m not going to like. It’s happened before, but it was when I was a freshman in high school. Granddaddy had gotten sick and was getting worse by the day. When my pops broke the news I took it hard. I spent many nights devastated by the news, and Tate was always there by my side making sure that I was okay through it all.

  When I finally got the courage to ask Lynnie out, she became the light of my life. She helped my broken heart heal in a way that Tate was never able to help me with. Yeah, he helped me keep my mind off everything thing going on around me, but she was the one who helped me the most.

  When my momma walks into the room, I know that something is wrong. Usually my parents are touchy feely and mushy. Today, my ma looks like she’s about to cry. My heart starts to beat erratically, I feel like I’m going to throw up. Is there something wrong with Lynnie? My brain is only thinking about her and nothing else. I can’t even think about anything other than her.

  “Son, we need to talk.” My dad says quietly.

  My eyes look between my parents and I wait for one of them to say something. “What? Is Lynnie okay?” I go to stand up, but my pops stops me by putting a hand to my stomach and pushing me back onto the couch.

  “She’s fine.” he says looking up at me. I take my seat and look up at him. His normally large wide frame looks smaller than before, he almost looks frail. I’ve been so busy with Lynnie, football, and school that I never realized the difference in him.

  “What’s wrong?” I finally ask. My eyes scan over him and then they shoot over to my momma who has tears running down her face. I can feel my panic start to increase and when I look back at my pops, I can see it in his eyes. He’s sick. He’s the one that is sick this time. When Granddaddy was sick my pops was strong. He held us together and made sure that everything was taken care of.

  “I’ve been feeling down for the last few months and I finally went to see the doctor and…” he trails off and looks over to my momma. She grabs his hand before he continues. Her grip on his hand is what gives him strength to continue. “I’m sick.” I feel the blood drain from my face and body as I watch him. My eyes take note of his appearance and for the first time since Granddaddy died, I feel like my world is fucking crashing down on me.

  Falling to my knees, I crawl towards my pops. His hands grip mine and just look at him. “Cancer?” I can barely get the word out of my mouth. Cancer took Granddaddy quickly and we didn’t have enough time to help him fight it. Is it going to be the same thing with pops? Will he die quickly or have they caught it in time.

  The tears are now falling down my face as I wait with baited breath on his answer. When he can’t get the words out, he just nods his head and I feel the dam on my emotion break loose. Putting my head on his knees, I just cry. I could lose my pops. A million questions pop into my head, but every time I try to get the words out, nothing comes out.

  We spend hours together as a family. By the time we finally talk about everything that is going on, I’m mentally and physically exhausted. There is no way that I’ll be able to leave now. When I check my phone before bed, I see Lynnie’s name on the screen. There is a picture of us that she took last night at the bonfire, but I can’t bring myself to care about it.

  Looking at her face, I can see how happy and full of life she is. Maybe I can convince her to stay here with me. No, she would hate me for that. All she’s talked about for the last year was going off to New York and how excited she was to start a new life out there. Part of me doesn’t know if I should walk away from her or follow our dreams together.

  We have a little piece of paper that says we are man and wife. I just hope our love is enough to make it through this. It has to be. I don’t know if I could live without her, but I do know that I don’t want to.

  A week before we were set to leave, my momma and pop stopped me before I could walk out the door. “Jaxson, we can’t let you leave.” My momma’s voice breaks on her words, I can feel my heart break into two. “I know we said you could still go, but your daddy is getting worse every day. The chemo isn’t working and the doctors are saying that it’s not looking good.” She hiccups as she tries to hold back the tears, but it’s no use. They fall down her face in streams and I know what I have to do.

  I have to break her heart. As angry as I am at not being able to go with her, I know that my place is here with my family, taking over the family ranch that has been passed down from generation to generation that I hope to pass down to my son or daughter one day.

  “I’m sorry son.” My pop whispers. He’s having an even harder time getting around now, but it doesn’t stop him from trying to take care of the chores still. He’s a tough son of a bitch and I am proud to be his son.

  Making my way over to Lynnie’s I go to break the news to her. To tell her that I’ll be staying here and hoping that maybe she’ll stay with me.

  When I pull up to her house later that night, I see the bright beautiful face of the girl I’ve loved from a far most of my life. Three years isn’t nearly enough. When I get out of the truck, I can see her expression change. She doesn’t look happy anymore, she knows I’m about to say something to hurt her. I don’t want to hurt her, but it’s inevitable. Not being able to look at her, I stare at the ground as I make my way closer to her.

  "Lyndley,” I whisper. I have a hard time finding the right words. "You know how much I love you, right?” When I look up at her, I can see the tears start to fall down her face. She shakes her head at me like she already knows what I’m going to say. Walking towards her, I reach out and pull her into my arms. She tries to pull out of my grip, but I don’t let her.

  "If you loved me, you wouldn't be doing this,” she sobs into my chest. I hug her tighter to me and kiss the top of her head.

  "Lynnie, I'll never stop loving you. I just can't leave here. My pops needs my help with the ranch and I can't let him down. He wants me to eventually take it over, and that is what I've always wanted to do. I need to be here for my family." My voice breaks and I know I’m tearing us apart just with the words. It’s going to be the end of us. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I want her to be happy even if I break my own heart in the process.

  "You lied!" she yells, trying to push me away from her. "You told me you would always be right there with me, but now you're leaving me.” She cries, fists pounding against my chest. Her legs give out and I have to hold her up. "You promised…," she whispers brokenly. The brightness that once surrounded us both is now dimmed, I wish like hell that there was something I could do to stop the pain.

  Taking a deep breath, I ready myself for the blow that is going to end everything. It’s going to end every sweet kiss, playful smile, and the wild and crazy love that we’ve shared over the last three years. "Lyndley, my feelings for you will never change. You will always be it for me, but I have to think about my family, too. They need me right now." She probably won’t forgive me, but that is something I’m going to have to deal with later. My family needs me to be here, even when I’d rat
her be wherever she is.

  "I've loved you my whole life, Jaxson,” she whispers. "I should have listened when everyone said you'd break my heart. I wish I'd never met you!" Her words slice through me and I feel like I’m freefalling into nothing. I’m just praying that when I finally hit the bottom, the pain that is pulling at my chest dissipates and eases.

  When she pulls from my embrace, I don’t even stop her. She deserves to be happy, I remind myself, even if that isn’t with me. "Stay away from me. I never want to see you again!” she runs up her porch and slams the door behind her. There goes my life. I watch the love of my life walk away from me without so much as a word. I don’t even try to get her to stay. She’s way more than this town, I know that it’s the only way to love her now, from afar.

  By the time the checks are all signed and put into envelopes, Lynnie is coming back into my office. “You take forever.” she pouts. I reach out and grab her wrist, pulling her to me.

  “I just finished the last check. I’m all yours for the rest of the day.” I press my lips to her and I hear her sigh. Her body melts into mine, I wrap my arms around her waist.

  “Good. I can’t wait.” She nips at my bottom lip before I hear Max’s paws hitting the floor. When he pokes his head in the room, Lynnie pulls away from me and kneels down in front of him. She scratches behind his ears and he rolls over onto his back, eating up the attention she’s giving him. Spoiled dog.

  Grabbing the pile of checks, I make my way around them and towards the kitchen where I see Tate walking towards the door. When he sees me he freezes, hand on the door knob. He stares at me for a few minutes before he actually opens the door. When he walks in, I hand him the checks and he just watches me without a word still.

  He turns and walks out the door before anything can be said. “He doesn’t seem to really like me anymore.” Her hands come around my body and rest on my stomach. Her face presses into my back and my hands rest on top of hers.

  “He’ll come around babe.” I pat her hand three times before I pull her in front of me. Cupping her cheeks, I lower my mouth to hers and whisper, “I love you.” Her eyes meet mine for a second before she closes the distance, and again presses her mouth to mine.

  “I love you.” Her breath barely moves over my skin when she pulls away. My hands run down her neck, then they grip her shoulders. Her arms wrap around my neck and her body melts into mine.

  “Come on, let’s get going.” I murmur against her skin. I press my lips to her neck before I stand up and lead her out into the kitchen. I grab a couple of bottles of water before leading her to the truck. Once I get her inside, I shut the door and walk around to the driver side, sliding inside the truck. When I look over at her, I can see the smirk on her face. “What?” I ask with a grin of my own.

  “Nothing. I just love watching you.” Her smirk turns into a full on smile which makes me want her more than I already do.

  “I don’t know why.” I say before I put the truck in drive and take off towards our date. We spend the next hour talking about random things that I’ve done here on the ranch since my pops died. Although it’s hard, I tell her things that I never told anyone else, not even Tate.

  “The ranch doesn’t look any different than it did when we were teenagers.” I smile, but I know it doesn’t go to my eyes. I can tell that she sees the sadness in my expression.

  “I’ve changed a few things. My pops would probably roll over in his grave if he saw what I’ve changed.” When I look over at her, I can see that she doesn’t understand what I mean. “I added housing for the hands and a private residence for myself. My pops wanted me to stay in the house with momma, but I couldn’t. I needed to get out of that house.” I pause and I turn my attention completely on the road. I can’t get any other words out. He told me until the day he died that I wasn't to build a place of my own. Told me that every generation lived in that house as one family, but I couldn't do it. It reminded me of all I lost and building the house for Lynd took my mind off the heartbreak for a while.

  When her hand touches my thigh, I look over at her again. She gives me the strength that I didn’t know I needed. Shit, I didn’t think that one touch from her would make me want to keep talking even though the pain is tearing me apart. “Building that house was the first thing I did for myself.” I grab her hand and squeeze it. “Well, I take that back. I built it for you. For what I wished I was able to have. As much as I wanted you to step foot back into Newcomb, I knew that your life was now in New York.”

  “I thought that my life was in New York, but I was wrong. My life has always been where you were. I just didn’t realize it until coming back here. I was running away because you hurt me.” When I look back at her, I see her looking away and out the window. Her hand is still in mine, as I look back at the road.

  “I’m sorry.” My voice is hoarse and full of emotion. “I never meant to hurt you. I had to stay behind. I had no choice.” When I look at her again, I could see her nodding her head. “He needed me more than you did at that moment. If I would have known you were pregnant, I would have gone with you. I wouldn’t have let you walk away.”

  “I should have told you.” She takes her seatbelt off and pushes the center console up so she can scoot over to sit right next to me. I wrap my arm around her and pull her even closer to me.

  “You had your reasons. Although I am pissed that I missed her whole life, I don’t blame you. We will be parents.” When I look at her, I can see the tears shining in her eyes. She puts her head on my shoulder and I continue to drive to our destination.

  When I finally come to a stop, I see her head pop up and look around. Slowly her head turns to face me. “You remembered.” Her eyes brighten, then she throws her arms around my neck, pulling me to her. Her mouth comes down onto mine quickly and her tongue slips into my mouth.

  This place isn’t much, but when she was having a shitty day we would come out here and spend the whole afternoon here. “I can’t believe you remembered.” she says a little breathlessly. Of course I remembered.

  “I remember everything about my time with you. I know how much this place means to you.” She grins widely before she opens the truck door and all but pushes me out. Grabbing a blanket out of the backseat and the water bottles, I take her hand and I lead her out towards the water. This is the closest thing we have to a beach and one of the places that holds the most memories for us.

  When she goes to her favorite spot, she takes the blanket from me and lays it out on the ground. She takes a seat and pulls on my hand to get me to sit with her. Plopping my ass on the ground behind her, I pull her back to my front and we sit, looking out onto the water. “Do you remember the last time we were out here?” she asks. I press a kiss to the top of her head and smile.

  “Yeah. I do.”

  I kiss to side of her cheek and she buries her body back into mine. “I think it’s when I got pregnant.” her head turns to me and I just watch her. It’s almost like she doesn’t know what else to say. She goes to say something else, but the words never come out. I wipe the tear that is about to fall from her eye and I hug her tighter to my body.

  “This place has bad memories for you now.” I state. Another tear falls down her cheek and I brush it away with my finger.

  “No. It just reminds me about how precious life is. I don’t want to take it for granted again. I miss her.” She turns in front of me and wraps her arms around me, knocking us both to the ground. Her body is on top of mine and the only thing I can think of is how beautiful she is, even when she has tears pooling in her beautiful eyes.

  There is so much that I wish I could take back, but being with her will never be one of those things. I wish I would have fought harder to get her to stay, instead of letting her walk away. I’ve needed her just as much as she’s needed me over the years. We let time and space pass us by and there is no way that I’ll let that happen again. She can fight like hell, but I’m not letting go even if I have to follow wherever she goes.

&nb
sp; “I know you do baby. So do I.” Although I’ve never met our daughter like she did, a part of me feels like there is part of my heart that’s missing. Gracilyn was a part of both of us and made from the love we shared. The love that is still between us even after all that time. It’s never diminished; it’s only gotten stronger over time.

  “She will be here with us soon.” She presses her face into the crook of my neck, I can feel her breathe as it fans over my skin. Her legs are straddling me, but I don’t take it further. She’s needs the comfort. She needs to know that I don’t blame her for our daughter’s death, and I don’t. What happened was beyond anyone’s control, even if I was in New York with her, we would have had the same outcome.

  “You are amazing.” She whispers before her lips press against mine. Closing my eyes, I kiss her back. I don’t think about the words she says because part of me feels like it’s my fault that we crashed and burned like we did before. Although I don’t regret not going to New York, I regret missing out on her pregnancy and being there to hold her hand when she went into labor.

  I don’t think I’m amazing; hell I could barely keep it together after she left. She’s dealt with a whole lot more than I have in the last ten years. If anything, she’s the amazing one.

  “You’re the amazing one.” I whisper. My hand goes to the back of her neck, I keep her mouth on mine. If anything I need to just feel her body against mine for as long as I get to keep her. I’m hoping for forever, but I know that life is always a ride that we have no control of. I’ve seen it firsthand. I’ve watched my momma struggle to move past my pops death. She is the strongest woman I know and I’m lucky to have her.

  Her hand slowly moves from my neck, down my chest. It stops for a second on my stomach before it goes to the top of my jeans. She pops open the button on my jeans, shoving her hand inside. When she grips my dick, I can’t help but groan out. We’ve had sex out in public more times than inside and I still get the familiar rush I got as a horny ass teenager. What the hell am I saying; I get that rush no matter where we have sex. Her body calls to mine, every time feels like it’s the first.