All Who Dream (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  I turned my head just in time to see Jackson leaning over Cody, showing him something on his IPAD. The compartmentalization of my heart was slowly melding into one big pile of mush. I took another deep breath and tried to regain focus on the interviewer.

  The questions that were asked of me this morning were of a new variation, mostly about how I balanced my time between work, social engagements (ha!), and Cody. All of the questions were on the “approved” list that Dee had gone over with me before I left for New York. I appreciated the way she navigated my request and honored my boundaries.

  It was hard to believe that Briggs and Charlie would be here in just shy of a week to take Cody back to Dallas. Each day that passed now was like the silent tick of a bomb. Though I was confident in my brother’s ability to care for my son, I’d never been apart from Cody for longer than a day. This time, we would be separated for two entire weeks. My stomach rolled in nervous apprehension. As I peeked back over my shoulder, I made eye contact with Jackson. The uneasiness quickly faded into something else entirely.

  My time in New York has felt a bit like my own summer camp.

  I could remember with stark clarity the day my dad dropped Briggs and I off at Camp Kingston in Boulder during the summer of my eighth grade year. I’d stood on the steps of the registration building, bags in hand, thinking that my life was over. Seven days with no friends? I knew no one except for my brother, but unfortunately his friends had also decided to attend that summer, so basically I was on my own if I didn’t want to spend the week hanging out with sweaty boys. I’d felt so overwhelmed and alone at first, but in mere hours that feeling had faded. How quickly one could connect to people when eating, sleeping, dressing, playing and endless chatter were involved. In a single week I had made closer friendships than I had during the entire previous school year. The experience was remarkable.

  Thinking back over our last three weeks spent with the Pinkerton Press bunch, I’d had a similar revelation. We were no longer strangers, or even business acquaintances. The relationships I’d made so far were ones I hoped to cherish for a long time to come. I would miss each of their faces when I left, especially one in particular. He was the same one that was currently laughing with my son and pointing at me through the glass.

  My heart squeezed again.

  Sooner or later I’d have to face the facts: summer camp always came to an end.

  **********

  “I won’t be at dinner tonight,” Jackson announced as we made our way through the lobby of the radio station in Brooklyn.

  “Oh…okay.” My surprise was not that he couldn’t make it, but that he’d felt the need to tell me of his plans, a fact that did not go unnoticed.

  “I have a board meeting. They always go late.” He sighed, dropping his phone back into his suit pocket, ruffling Cody’s hair as he walked passed us with Pippy.

  “We’ll be fine finding something on our own.” I smiled weakly and shrugged a bit, still stunned that he’d shared his schedule with me so openly. What had he expected me to say in return?

  He smiled down at me, narrowing his eyes as if dissecting my words in his mind.

  “I’d never doubt your resourcefulness.”

  My face flushed hot, betraying my feelings like a newspaper headline. I reached for my necklace, weaving the tiny pendant back and forth between my fingers. I stared down at my feet, swallowing before speaking again.

  “Jackson…I hope you know Cody and I have been grateful for our time with you in the evenings—going to out to dinners, I mean. But please don’t feel obligated to us. I know you must have a lot of other clients and work you need to attend to. I realize we’ve taken up a lot of your time lately.”

  Through my peripheral vision I saw him cross his arms over his chest, a movement that caused me to look up. His expression reminded me of my first impression of him: Hollywood renegade on a mission to save the world.

  “That sounded dangerously close to an apology, Miss Flores.” He took a step closer to me, lowering his voice into a deep, husky rasp. “You haven’t taken anything I haven’t offered. Finding food in this city might be easy for a man like me, but finding good company to share it with...not so much.”

  I was locked into his gaze when I felt a tug at my arm, pulling me back into reality once again.

  “Mom…are you ready? We’re supposed to meet Peter at the park to play soccer on his lunch break, remember?”

  “Oh…right.”

  Jackson smiled at me as molten lava bubbled-up in my core.

  “Don’t let your mom take any headers. She has an important interview on Friday,” Jackson told Cody with a broad wink..

  Cody laughed. “Okay, I won’t.”

  “And do your best to keep the butterfly attacks away from her, too.”

  Cody hooted louder as he ran back out the doors where Walt was standing talking to Pippy.

  “You’re so not funny,” I said, biting my cheeks.

  “Then tell yourself to stop smiling.”

  My face broke into a grin. “I wasn’t—I mean—I’m not.”

  He shook his head, a glint of amusement in his eye. Turning to open the lobby door for me, he whispered in my ear as I slid into the back seat of the town car. “Don’t ever play poker, Angie.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “So how was your date with Caleb?” I leaned back against the shaded park bench, watching Peter kick the soccer ball to Cody.

  Pippy sighed dreamily. “It was wonderful…he’s wonderful.”

  I chuckled at her dramatics. “So you’re going out again I take it?”

  “Yes, this weekend. He’s actually going to my dad’s birthday party with me on Saturday night. My mom’s been planning the event for a while—it’s a pretty big deal.” She smiled sweetly as I remembered that her dad had been sick. I wasn’t sure what the current status of his health was. Jackson hadn’t spoken much more about his brother.

  “That’s great, Pippy.” I bumped her shoulder with mine.

  “You deserve to be happy.”

  I heard Cody laughing as Peter dove on the soccer ball to stop it from rolling into a row of blackberry bushes.

  “What about you, Angie?”

  “Huh?” I caught Pippy’s eyes sparkling in question. “What about me?”

  She sighed and shook her head. “You deserve to be happy, too, Ang. To find love.”

  I squirmed in my seat. How do I even begin to talk to this innocent young woman about the precarious thread that held my life together? We were as different as night and day when it came to this topic. She was a clean, starched piece of fabric ready to be stitched; I was a tattered, used remnant.

  I watched Cody play, mulling a response. “I am happy—truly. My life may be more complicated than other twenty-nine year-old women I know, but I have learned to cherish the happy seasons. Cody is-”

  “He’s a great kid, Angie,” she interrupted. “But even I know that it would be impossible for him to fill every gap in your heart, or in your life. My dad always says that complications should be seen as a chance to simplify one’s priorities.”

  Out of the corner of my eye I could see her beaming. I took a sip of my ice water, warmth growing in the pit of my stomach despite the cool beverage.

  “When Dee called to tell us that she’d added a single mom to the tour, you weren’t at all what I pictured.” She played with the straw of her second green smoothie of the day.

  I laughed lightly. “Yes, I’m sure my laid back mom attire was a bit of a shock compared to the trendy atmosphere you’re used to around here.” I gestured toward the city.

  “No, that’s not it.” She touched my knee, drawing my attention back to her. “And I wasn’t the only one who seemed surprised by you when you arrived.”

  Even without hearing his name my heart hammered against my chest like a mallet inside a courtroom. Her smiled grew wide when she saw the shock in my eyes. I shook my head; I couldn’t talk about Jackson with Pippy. Not only was she his niece
, she was his assistant as well.

  “Pippy, I don’t think—”

  “It’s true. I know my uncle very well, and he is not easily stunned…but he was that night, the night he met you outside of your building.”

  “You mean the night I overheard you two arguing about my lack of appropriate wardrobe pieces?”

  Pippy laughed. ” Uh, yes. I’m sorry about that, but I’ll never forget the way he looked at you.”

  “I think your twitterpation over Caleb has twisted the objectivity of your memories, Pippy.”

  “No,” she said, scrunching up her face as if thinking back. “His face was like that of a man who had just woken up from a long slumber. He’s different with you.”

  My heart squeezed in silent torture.

  “Maybe it’s because I drive him nuts. He seems to get upset with me often,” I countered weakly.

  Pippy smiled again, her eyes twinkling in the sunshine. “Not all people are happy when they wake up.”

  I stared at her, open-mouthed, as she giggled.

  “Mom—heads up!” Cody yelled, as the soccer ball sailed toward our bench. I reacted quickly, catching it before it hit Pippy squarely in the face.

  “Good catch!” Peter called to us.

  I threw the ball back out to them, wondering if someday I might be a good catch for someone, too.

  **********

  Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t forget Pippy’s words.

  His face was like that of a man who had just woken up from a long slumber. He’s different with you.

  I stood, looking out the window from my fourteenth floor apartment and stared into the inky backdrop of a city that seemed to be in a constant adrenaline rush. There were lights, traffic, noise and movement everywhere I looked. Cody had fallen asleep an hour ago with a book on his face, obviously exhausted. I was grateful that Peter had worn him out earlier. Physical exertion was a necessity to a young, growing boy.

  I’d spent some time answering voicemails after our quick trip to the grocery store earlier. It was only a block away. The walk, though hot, was nice.

  It was good to catch up, especially with Maggie. She filled me in on the recent happenings at The Refuge and was elated to hear about my upcoming television interview on The Eastman Morning Show. Rosie had told her about it, naturally. Maggie’s voice always seemed to instill in me a sense of peace and comfort whenever I spoke with her. And as the founder of The Refuge, I knew many other women felt the same way I did about her. Our connection was the closest thing I had to a mother/daughter relationship, and I cherished her greatly. Her advice was always sound, honest, and wise.

  As she told me about last week’s meeting, I was reminded of Jenny—the young woman who had called me a couple weeks back. Maggie let out a deep sigh when I mentioned her. I knew that wasn’t a good sign.

  “Rosie has put in several calls to her this last week…she hasn’t responded,” Maggie said.

  “But Rosie spoke with her right after she moved in with her Aunt in Oklahoma, right?”

  “Yes, I hope she’s just busy adjusting to her new home,” Maggie said, worry lacing her words.

  She didn’t need to say more. I knew what more could be said. I closed my eyes, saying a prayer for her right then. I’d learned a long time ago that prayer was the most valuable asset I had, especially during situations that were beyond my control.

  “Well, I love you darlin’…I don’t want to keep you, but please know that I sure do miss seeing you around. Give your boy some lovin’ from me.”

  “I will; I miss you too, Maggie. Love you. Bye.”

  Maggie had been the one to bring me to The Refuge. She’d sat with me for hours as my nurse six years ago while I was recovering from multiple injuries and coming out of an induced coma. In the darkest season of my life, she had given me hope—light. Through Maggie I had met Rosie and connected again with my faith in God. Her invitation had forever changed my life—and my son’s life. There were no words to express the kind of gratitude and love I held for her. I often told her that she was my guardian angel.

  I touched the tiny wings that sat at the base of my neck on my pendant and thought again about Jenny. I hoped she had a guardian angel looking out for her, too.

  After I made my way through the living area to my room, I snuggled down into bed, switching on the bedside lamp. I picked up my black journal and started to write. This time, it was not about the days that marked my past, but of the thoughts that filled my present. I had so many questions, so many unknowns swirling around in my head that what flowed onto the paper was a fluid stream of consciousness. As I pulled back my hand to read what I’d written, my body surged with a sort of anxious anticipation.

  Maybe Jackson wasn’t the only one who had awakened from a deep slumber.

  Awakened

  A little pull, a tiny push

  A fleeting thought, a heart of mush

  My pulse is quick, my breath is short

  My skin feels hot, my mind distorts

  I need to see, I want to hear

  I long to know, I hope he’s near

  The balance tips, the line is crossed

  The risk unknown, the hope not lost

  **********

  Just when I thought I’d met every single mom that New York and the surrounding areas could produce, a new sea of faces would emerge. I’d been sitting at my signing table for nearly two hours while Cody sat next to me and read his adventure book and snacked on dried banana chips—a gift from Pippy.

  “I’ve read every post on your blog. You’re such an inspiration to me.” A petite red-headed woman leaned over the table to shake my hand. “Can I get my picture with you?”

  This question never failed to surprise me. “Sure, of course. What’s your baby’s name?”

  She bounced a little girl on her hip who looked to be about one. “Carly.”

  “Well, she’s beautiful.” I held out my hand for the little girl to hold.

  “Thank you,” the woman said, She extended her phone to arm’s length and snapped a photo with me. “Do you hope to have more children some day?”

  My gut twisted, leaving a familiar ache to settle over me. I looked at her daughter and did my best to smile. “Life is full of surprises.”

  It was a cryptic answer at best, but standing in line at a pre-book release appearance was hardly the time or place for the truth on that particular subject. The woman radiated joy as she walked away, her baby waving at me enthusiastically. I took a deep breath as I felt a warm sensation press onto my back.

  “You need a break?”

  It was Jackson’s voice. I hadn’t seen him in almost two days as he’d been working long hours at the office. Heat rushed into my face as I turned my head toward him.

  “I can keep going for a while longer,” I said, glancing at the line, which currently held about thirty women.

  “That’s not what I asked.” He kept his voice low, but his brows were pressed into a familiar scowl.

  I nodded, feeling a sense of relief at the rescue of his presence.

  “Okay, folks, I’m afraid Miss Flores needs to take a lunch break now. We’ll resume within the hour.” Jackson’s voice brimmed with charm and authority, a mix I hadn’t heard before.

  “Thank you,” I whispered as Cody stood and stretched.

  Jackson took us into a back stock room where Pippy had sandwiches and drinks waiting for us. Cody immediately plopped onto a folding chair and unwrapped his sub. Jackson tugged on my arm, holding me back a few steps.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, why?” I asked him, noticing his hand was still on my elbow.

  “You seemed…troubled a minute ago.”

  I hadn’t even known he was in the room, much less watching my interactions with the moms in line. I swallowed hard as I thought again about the woman’s question. That wasn’t the first time I’d been asked, nor would it be the last, but I the inquiry would never cease to be painful.

  I opene
d my mouth to answer, but Pippy burst into the room, forestalling my words. Thankfully. Jackson dropped his hand from my arm with immediate haste.

  “Oh…uh, sorry,” Pippy said, smiling at me with eyes full of mischievous delight, “but I have a phone message for you, Mr. Ross.”

  Jackson pulled his phone out of his pocket, checking his own screen with a look of pensive curiosity.

  “No, it’s not a business call. It’s of a personal nature.”

  “Oh.” After taking two steps in her direction, he turned toward me again, his eyes resembling the color of the dark pockets in the ocean. “May I take you and Cody out tonight?”

  Every cell in my body flashed cold and hot in a matter of a millisecond.

  “Sure.”

  “I’ll pick you up. Pippy can fill you in on the specifics later.”

  Pippy trailed behind him as they left the storage room, but not before giving me an over-enthusiastic wink. I bit my lip.

  What had just occurred?

  Was this a date?

  My heart skipped. A dozen times in a row.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Once when I was around fourteen, my friend Eva invited me to go to the Nutcracker with her family. I remember being completely overwhelmed by the magnitude and luxuriousness of the theater. I’d been mesmerized by the entire production, hanging on every movement and word said by the cast. It was a memory I’d never forget.

  Tonight though, would put that reminiscent event to shame.

  “You should definitely wear the champagne-colored one,” Pippy said on the phone.

  I’d been saving that gown, but for what I wasn’t sure.

  “You think so?” I bit my lip as I ran my hand over the options hanging in the tiny closest in my room.

  “Definitely. It’s Broadway. That dress is perfect!”

  I shifted the phone against my shoulder and ear while I pulled it out of the closet. “Okay…”