All Who Dream (Letting Go)

by Deese, Nicole

  “Not dead like some of your fans might believe…correct?”

  This was the lie I had allowed Cody to believe for years. The sin that ate at my heart and twisted my consciousness with every year he aged. I knew the truth would come out, but not like this. Never like this. Briggs and Charlie knew the truth and a handful of trusted women at The Refuge, but they were the only ones. Everyone else believed he’d died when Cody was a baby.

  She smirked. “I’m sure you’re not the first woman to face this parenting predicament, Angie. Would you care to share how you handled telling Cody that his father is a convicted felon? You’re blog is full of such insightful honesty. In fact, that is what your readers say most often about you—how open you are about your life. But weird thing is, I didn’t see anything about this detail of your life on your blog. Nothing.”

  No…

  Cody can’t find out like this…he can’t!

  She glanced down at the note cards that lay in her lap as if they were silently coaxing her on.

  My ears roared with the sound of pulsing blood. “I’d actually rather not talk about-”

  “I’m sure that had to be a very difficult conversation. No child wants to hear that his father’s in prison for attempting to murder his mother,” she said. “But of course, you had support from your church, right? I’m sure they helped you, or were they led to believe that Cody’s father was dead too?”

  I stared at her as thick darkness started to cloud my vision, coming from somewhere behind me and tunneling ahead of me with rapid speed.

  Divina sat silent now—her ankle still swinging side to side like a hypnotic pendulum.

  Murmuring came from somewhere in the distance, and everything felt like it was happening in slow motion. If time was moving ahead, I was stuck somewhere in the past, somewhere paralyzed by fear.

  I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.

  “I’m sure your fans have a lot more questions for you on that particular topic. I wasn’t able to find that particular story anywhere in your blog posts from the past. But really, isn’t that the biggest part of who you are? You’re not only a single mom who was widowed after all, but a victim of domestic violence whose ex-husband is serving a maximum sentence without parole. That statistic is far more interesting I believe. Fame doesn’t keep secrets,” she turned now to the camera. “I’m so glad you were with us today, Angela. For more information on A Lone Joy, please visit our website. We’ll be back in a moment.”

  And then…the lights went out.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A loud, angry voice snapped me out of my stupor.

  Jackson.

  I watched him break free from the hold of two large security guards. He shot toward the set with long strides of determination and pulled my stiff body to him. He was speaking—no, he was shouting—but the words were a jumbled mix of sounds that bounced off my ears. Nothing could penetrate the defensive wall in my mind once it was up…except…

  Cody.

  Where is Cody?

  And then my feet were moving at lightning speed, Jackson’s close behind me. We stopped in front of the green room. Pippy stepped out, her face the shade of ash. As I saw the TV in the back corner featuring a program I’d rather forget, I felt ill. My eyes scanned the room to find Cody.

  “Mom?” Cody asked, his bottom lip trembling. “What was that lady talking about?”

  Pippy placed her hand on my arm, her eyes telling me everything I needed to know. Cody had heard—what? I wasn’t sure, but enough to cause her concern.

  Enough to make my stomach twist with nausea.

  “Sweetheart.” My voice sounded lost, far away, as I dropped in front of him. “I’ll answer all of your questions soon, okay?” I hugged him to me, my throat burning painfully as I swallowed.

  Cody nodded, but I felt no relief in his compliance. Telling him the truth about his father was the last thing I wanted to do—ever.

  **********

  Cody sat with Walt in the front as Jackson slid into the car next to me in the back. He put his hand on mine, but I yanked it from his grasp. Fury boiled hot inside me.

  How did this happen?

  I glanced at Jackson, the look on his face frighteningly unfamiliar: Worry.

  Jackson never worried.

  “I’ll take care of this,” his voice was urgent, yet hushed.

  I shook my head. “You can’t, Jackson. It’s done.”

  “No-”

  I shook my head again, pointing to Cody as if to silence the discussion. For once, Jackson didn’t argue.

  We rode the rest of the way to my apartment in silence.

  “Do you mind if I have a minute alone with your mom, Cody?” Jackson asked as he followed us into the living room.

  “Are you okay, Mom?” he asked, softly.

  “I’m okay, baby. I just need to sort some things out right now, okay? We will talk soon, I promise.”

  He nodded and went into his room, shutting the door behind him.

  It was then my tears came—hot, angry, tears.

  Jackson took a deep breath, walked to my bedroom and opened the door for me to follow him inside. I hesitated, but I had too many thoughts in my head, too many words that needed to be said. He shut the door behind me.

  I turned toward him. “How? How did she know those things about me?”

  His eyebrows shot up. “You don’t think—Angie I would never! I didn’t even know all of that!”

  I slumped against the wall. I knew in my heart he wasn’t responsible. But I needed someone to blame and Divina wasn’t here, unfortunately.

  Tears rolled down my cheeks as my anger morphed into heartbreak.

  He stood before me, fire in his eyes as he struggled to keep his voice low. “So it’s true, then? He’s not dead? He’s in prison for assault and attempted murder?”

  “Yes.”

  I could read the torment in his face, his hand twitching with a desire to damage and comfort at the same time. I understood the emotion. That torment lived inside me, too.

  I met his gaze. “Exposing me is exactly what she wanted to do, isn’t it? She wanted to discredit me?” I swallowed against the burn in the back of my throat. “It’s what everyone will believe, Jackson. Any credibility I’ve built in this tour as a strong, independent, single mom has just been replaced with the image of me as a helpless victim.” I shook my head and pushed away from the wall. “But none of that matters in the end; not as much as what she’s just done to my family.”

  Jackson gripped the back of his head like he was holding it in a vice. He stepped toward me, his body so close that I could smell the distinct scent of his cologne: a mix of ocean and cedar wood.

  “Listen to me, Angie, she is the one who will pay for this stunt. Not you. I just need time to think about how we can combat this—”

  “No.” I took a step to the side and sat down on the edge of my bed. I needed space to think. “The only thing I need to do is figure out how to tell my son. You can worry about how this will affect the family tour, but now I have to explain to my son how his father tried to murder me....”

  I dropped my face into my hands.

  “Angie.” The hoarse rasp of his voice made my stomach hurt. His tone was full of heat and passion, yet layered with grief. He knelt before me. “You’re right…Cody is the priority here, nothing else.”

  My hands fell away from my face; I stared at Jackson.

  “I have to leave town, Angie… but I want you and Cody to come with me.”

  “Where?” I asked, lifting my face to his.

  “My brother’s lake house. It’s his birthday this weekend, but it would be a good place for you to talk to Cody. I just…I just don’t want to leave you like this.”

  I closed my eyes, head throbbing from stress. “Okay,” I whispered.

  “Okay.” Jackson covered my hand with his and heat surged in my veins. “We’ll figure this out.”

  “You keep saying that…”

  “I keep m
eaning it, too.” His eyes pierced mine. “I’ll go tell Cody about our trip. It will be good for him….lots of fun things for a kid to do out there. You just worry about packing what you need—no formal wear needed.”

  That was the best news I’d heard all day.

  **********

  Three hours later we were driving through the luscious countryside of Connecticut. The trip was literally like driving into a fantasy world. Hills, trees, and lakes covered the landscape. Everything was rich and green, nature’s beautiful kiss. It was hard to believe we were only a couple hours away from the hustle and bustle of New York City.

  Cody filled the hours in the car with his travel quiz games, Jackson playing along while I stared out the window, trying to piece together a plan. Briggs and Charlie would be in New York Monday night, and I needed to talk with Cody before then.

  The thought was crippling.

  I wanted to go back in time and push Divina off her chair, make her beg for forgiveness for outing such personal information, but even I knew it wouldn’t have stopped her. She’d had an agenda. Maybe it’d been her agenda from the first time I met her at the publishing house. Who knew? I wasn’t sure how anyone could be so heartless, but the truth was out now. Just like a train that had left the station. There was no reversing it.

  I wouldn’t let my mind wander much beyond the immediate steps ahead of me. Figuring out what to say to Cody was the priority. Apart from that, I had no control. Perhaps I’d been kidding myself to think I’d ever been in control at all.

  Cody knew about my work at The Refuge of course. He knew I was helping women out of hardship and hurts, but the details of abuse—especially my abuse—I’d kept guarded from him. He was an innocent party to his father’s sins. I’d only wanted to protect him for as long as I could.

  Now protecting him meant telling him the truth.

  I felt a squeeze on my hand, “We’re only a few minutes out. Maybe you should take a nap when we get there…my sister-in-law already has a room made up for you and Cody. You’ll like Jessie.”

  “Thanks, but I have a lot of calls to return.” I lifted my phone. A list of voice mails and texts filled the screen. I’d have to deal with them sooner or later.

  He scowled. “I think you need to lay low for the day. Reception is spotty out here at best. Cody and I can go out on the paddleboat. I think you should rest.”

  I pulled my hand out from his. “No, I shouldn’t. There are things I have to do, things I’ve been forced to do, Jackson. They can’t wait.”

  He remained quiet for the next few minutes. “I wasn’t trying to-,” he glanced into the rear-view mirror, looking at Cody in the back seat. He flexed his jaw several times, before speaking again. “I just want to help you, Angie. Let me...please.”

  Something warm swam through my veins as my eyes pooled again with tears.

  We pulled up to a house that looked like it could be on the set of Anne of Green Gables. The place was gorgeous, easily the most beautiful home I’d ever seen, surrounded by God’s most glorious displays of creation. A large, white, Cape Cod-style home encircled by lush green grass overlooked a placid lake. It was truly breathtaking.

  Cody burst out of the car, exclaiming how right Jackson had been about our destination. Jackson put his hand on my knee, speaking nothing, but reassuring me nonetheless before I opened my car door. The hot summer air filled my lungs as I followed Cody to the front door. Jackson was at my side.

  **********

  “It is such a privilege to meet you, Angela,” Jessica Ross said. “My daughter has told me so much about you. I’m glad you and Cody could join us for the weekend.”

  “I really appreciate your hospitality, especially at such short notice.” I shook her hand and noticed immediately that her smile was the same as Pippy’s. That fact warmed my heart. She also had the same dark hair as her daughter, but instead of a short, stylish pixie-cut, Jessica’s hair was layered, hanging past her shoulders. There was nothing showy about her appearance; in fact, just the opposite was true. Her beauty was striking.

  “We have several people coming to stay with us tomorrow night after the party, so I have you and Cody sharing one of the larger guest rooms at the end of the hall.”

  We walked through the house, ceilings as high as a mini-skyscraper, dark hardwoods throughout. Everything was in true cape-cod fashion, but above all, the house was inviting and homey.

  “Yes, this is perfect,” I said, staring into the room. “I hope our stay won’t interfere with the party-”

  “Oh, no, not at all. It will just be some good friends and some great food. We have a lot to celebrate. Glad you can be apart of it.” She squeezed my arm as Jackson walked past me to set our duffle bags on the edge of one of the beds.

  “I’m afraid I only packed casual clothing,” I said to Jessica, staring at Jackson.

  “That’s perfect. We are very casual around here,” she laughed.

  I sighed as Jackson chuckled near my ear. “Told ya so.”

  While Jackson and Cody changed into their swim trunks to go paddle boating, I found a private spot on the back porch that overlooked Candlewood Lake—which was also their backyard. I punched in the voicemail number on my phone and held it away from my ear. The connection was awful, but I heard Rosie loud and clear. A stream of high-pitched Spanish sentiments flowed from the speaker.

  Though I could only catch every third or fourth word, I agreed with Rosie.

  Wholeheartedly.

  Chapter Twenty

  I sat, staring out at the sun setting over the lake while Cody prepared dinner with Jessie. The scene in front of me looked like postcard art.

  “Want to talk about it?”

  I turned my head toward Jackson, but didn’t respond. He tugged gently on my arm, pulling me to sit next to him on the patio sofa. Sitting beside him, I was painfully aware of the six-inch gap between us. Everything about this man was a mystery; I hardly knew him, yet my heart was already more invested than what was safe. Safe had gone out the window the first time Jackson had smiled at me.

  “I’m scared, Jackson…”

  He tensed briefly as he leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, his triceps cording as he clasped his hands together. His voice was thick and husky when he spoke, “I can’t even imagine all you’ve been through.”

  Somewhere deep inside me, a boldness I had neglected for years forced its way to the surface. “To be honest, right now my past doesn’t scare me nearly as much as my present. I don’t do this, Jackson,” I paused. “I don’t get close to men, but you…” I let my eyes drift over his profile as he continued to stare ahead. “I don’t know.”

  He closed his eyes and exhaled. “You’re my weakness, Angie. I don’t know how else to explain it.”

  But before I could question him, he continued. “I’m just not sure you should let me be yours…”

  Too late.

  “Dinnertime,” Jessica said from the doorway.

  Jackson and I walked into the house together, the cliffhanger of the century weighing heavy on my heart.

  **********

  Jacob Ross was a tall, thin man who had a smile that stretched from ear to ear. His fingers were bony as they gripped mine, but the handshake was meaningful.

  “Can’t tell you how thrilled we are to have you and Cody here for a visit. Our kids talk about the two of you every time they call from the city,” Jacob said as we sat down to eat. Lasagna, salad, bread and a fruit dish were spread out on the family-sized table.

  “Pippy has been a great friend to me, and Cody has loved hanging out with Peter,” I said.

  Jacob took his wife’s hand and then reached for Cody as he bowed his head to say the blessing. Jackson’s hand covered mine a second later when he lowered his head in the same manner. My heart thudded hard within my chest.

  After the prayer Jacob picked at his food, seemingly more eager to ask us questions than eat. I wondered absently if his interest in people and lack of interest in food was t
he reason he was so thin.

  “We have enjoyed your blog, Angela,” Jacob said, smiling. Do you see yourself writing other types of books in the future? You definitely have a gift.”

  “Thank you. I’m not really sure. I haven’t thought too much about what could be next…” My words trailed off as a feeling of dread took over.

  “Well, I’m sure Jackson will help you explore the possibilities. He’s a very talented-”

  “I will, Jacob.” Jackson’s voice wasn’t harsh, but his words were rushed, curt. The tone took me by surprise and seemed to take Jacob by surprise as well. But instead of questioning him, Jacob simply laughed.

  “Good.”

  I helped Jackson with the dishes as Cody cleared the plates off the table. Jessica was mortified that I had requested to help, but Jacob pulled her into the other room with him, ignoring her protests.

  As the last plate was rinsed and put into the dishwasher I placed my hand on Jackson’s arm. “I need to talk with Cody—tonight.”

  He stared at me. “Can I do something to help?”

  I swallowed. As much as his presence calmed and comforted me, I needed this moment to be about Cody.

  “I don’t think so.”

  He nodded. “I’ll make sure you have some privacy then. The dock might be a good place to go. It’s nice out there this time of night.”

  “Thank you, Jackson…for everything.”

  **********

  I called for Cody to join me outside. His sweet smile sent a pang through my chest as he reached the door where I stood. I didn’t want to rob him of blissful innocence. I didn’t want to alter his childhood. But my hand had been forced.

  As we walked down to the dock, tiny solar lights on the ground lit our path. Cody reached for a small handful of pebbles before sitting down beside me. We took off our shoes and submerged our feet in the water. He threw one pebble at a time into the lake, making tiny splashes.