Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “Ah, now that’s a funny joke,” Ernest chuckled. “I’m afraid I’m a little old for such wild exertions. Now, step back from the buggy so I can drive to the barn.”

  When Susanna and Lizzie arrived at the parked buggy, Ernest climbed down and wrapped Lizzie in a tight hug. He stood up to wave toward Martha, who still stood by the oak tree. Martha waved back but didn’t move. Susanna motioned with her hand for Martha to come, and obediently the three-year-old broke into a run. Ernest met Martha halfway, picked her up, and carried her back nestled in his arms. Ernest’s smile said it all. Since his arrival they had functioned as a little family, and she had fallen into the role of mamm without a hitch.

  Heat flamed into her face, and Susanna leaned down to take Lizzie’s hand. “Come, let’s go inside.”

  “Aren’t you going to wait until I unhitch?” Ernest protested.

  Susanna ignored the question and held out her hand for Martha. “Supper will be ready when you come in,” she told him.

  Ernest set Martha down. He didn’t appear pleased, but he said nothing. Rather, he patted Martha on her head. “You run along with Susanna, and I’ll be in presently.”

  Mamm met Susanna and the girls at the front door with a frown on her face. “Why are you coming in, Susanna? You should have waited until Ernest came with you. Surely you two aren’t…” Mamm glanced toward the barn. “Things were going so well from the looks of it.”

  “I have to go upstairs,” Susanna answered.

  “Why?” Surprise showed on Mamm’s face. “Ernest will be in any moment, and I need help with the table.”

  “I won’t be long.” Susanna didn’t wait for an answer but made a dash for the stairs. What possessed her she had no idea, but she had to get away for a few seconds. Mamm and Ernest wouldn’t understand, but she didn’t care. The Englisha blood in her hadn’t died out yet. Ernest thought he had everything under control, and she had done nothing to dissuade him. Well, the time had come for a little resistance—the kind of resistance she could manage. She would call Joey. Mamm and Ernest would never know, but she would know in her heart what had been done. She would go to the other end of the house. A phone call would be safe there. No one would hear.

  Susanna drew in a long breath and slipped into her room, certain she was losing her mind. For one thing, she didn’t feel one bit guilty about what she was going to do. And she knew she should feel very guilty.

  Susanna found the cell phone at the bottom of her dresser drawer. She had wrapped it well enough to hide its form. The moments ticked by as she undid the folds of clothing. With care she placed the phone in her dress pocket and reentered the hallway. Her younger brothers’ voices rose and fell in the room across the hall, and Susanna tiptoed toward the far end of the house, where the spare bedroom lay. She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She perched herself on the narrow ledge and pulled the phone out to stare at it. What if Joey didn’t answer? But she had to try. Susanna focused and dialed the number Joey had taped on the underside of the phone.

  Susanna pressed Send and waited. The phone rang once and then twice. Her whole body tensed when Joey’s voice answered, “Susanna. You called!”

  “Oh, Joey,” she whispered, and the tears came. She couldn’t help it.

  “How are things?” His voice was very concerned. “You sound like you’re crying.”

  “Okay, I guess.” Susanna quickly wiped her eyes. “We have visitors for supper, but I grabbed a few moments. I just had to speak with you. It’s been so hectic around here, and I needed to hear your voice.”

  “Hectic?” he said. “In an Amish home?”

  Susanna laughed in spite of herself. “Yah, you could say so, though stressful is more like it. We are—” She stopped. There was no way she was going to tell Joey about Ernest Helmuth, nor about how she was supposed to fall in love with an Amish man.

  “It’s good to hear from you,” Joey said. “When can I see you again?”

  Her voice caught. “You know it’s not possible under the present circumstances. I’m trying to make peace with my heritage, Joey. Please try to understand.”

  “But you’re calling me on a cell phone.” The illogic hadn’t escaped him. “I’m glad you did. I’ve been hoping you’d call so I could hear the sound of your sweet voice.”

  “Oh Joey, don’t say that.” The tears came again. “If you only knew.” Coming from him, the words sounded perfectly sincere and honorable. Why couldn’t Joey be an Amish man?

  Noises came from the hallway outside the spare room. “Joey!” Her voice was urgent. “I have to go. Please don’t be offended. Can I call you again sometime? I don’t know when, but please say yes.”

  “I gave you the phone for that very reason.” His voice was puzzled. “Of course you can.”

  “Thank you, Joey. You’ll never know what this means to me.”

  “Ah—” he began.

  “I have to go,” she repeated. “I really do.”

  “Okay. Call again when you can,” he said.

  Susanna pushed the End button and slipped the phone back into her dress pocket. The tears came in a gush, but she didn’t care. Her face would be red from crying when she went downstairs, but let Mamm think what she wished.

  Susanna opened the bedroom door to find an empty hallway. The noise she’d heard must have been made by her brothers headed downstairs for supper. She walked slowly down the stairs, trying to regain her composure.

  Ernest was seated in the living room with Lizzie and Martha on his lap. He looked at her with a question on his face.

  “I have to help Mamm,” she told him, and hurried on.

  Susanna entered the kitchen. “Where were you?” Mamm asked. “I needed you.”

  Susanna just said, “Well, I’m here now,” and then began to set the table. She called her brothers in from the front porch, where they had gone to play while they waited for supper. She managed a smile toward Ernest when she walked through the living room, and he beamed from ear to ear.

  The whole family was relaxed by the time Daett, Henry, and James came in from the barn. They appeared pleased at the sight of Ernest seated at the table with his two girls. Thankfully Susanna didn’t have to say much as Daett said the prayer of thanks and the food was passed around.

  Ernest gave her a smile from time to time, but he didn’t embarrass her with overt attention. After supper and a prayer of thanks, Ernest followed Daett into the living room while Susanna helped Mamm with the dishes.

  “You did well at supper,” Mamm said. “Ernest was relaxed with the family and everyone enjoyed his company. Your feelings for Ernest will be falling in line soon. You wait and see.”

  Susanna kept her head down and didn’t answer. Thankfully Mamm let the subject drop. Ernest stuck his head in the kitchen doorway a few moments later to say, “I’ll be seeing you, Susanna. We have to run. I have chores. Thanks for the goot supper. I really enjoyed my time here tonight.”

  “You’re welcome,” Susanna said, but she didn’t move away from the kitchen sink.

  Ernest nodded and left.

  “You should walk him out to his buggy,” Mamm said. “And help him with his girls.”

  “No, I shouldn’t,” Susanna whispered back.

  Mamm sighed. “I suppose I should be satisfied with the progress we’ve made today.”

  Susanna kept quiet—her head down, her hands busy with the dishes.

  Chapter Seventeen

  A few days later, dusk had fallen outside the Helmuth home. Ernest looked up from his rocking chair to face Katherine, who stood in front of him with a determined look on her face.

  “The girls are in bed now, and we can talk,” she said.

  Ernest ignored Katherine for a moment.

  “Woohoo?” Katherine waved her hand in front of Ernest’s face. “I’m still here, and I’m going nowhere until we talk.”

  Ernest motioned toward the couch. “Sit down then. I can’t talk to you while you’re standing there.”

&nbs
p; Katherine complied.

  “You have something on your mind?” Ernest teased, leaning forward.

  Katherine tried to glare at him but failed. “You don’t have to tease,” she said. “Lately, you’ve been so cheerful and dreamy. I know it’s serious between Susanna and you, but I still want to know—is the wedding planned yet?”

  “Are you asking so you can plan your own wedding with young Joe Schrock?” Ernest teased again.

  Katherine blushed. “You know he hasn’t asked me home from the singing yet, but he might if I can drop a word to his mamm that your wedding is planned for this fall.”

  Ernest reached over to pat Katherine’s arm. “You needn’t have worries about Joe waiting on news of my plans before he asks you home. He’ll get around to that soon enough. The Schrocks are known to take their time in everything they do, but all of them are solid people. You’re the woman for him, Katherine, and I can assure you that Joe knows this. I can tell by the gleam in his eyes when he looks at you at the Sunday meetings. If he should ask me about you—which I doubt he’ll need to—I’ll give him the most glowing report I can. You have run my household since Naomi passed with excellence and with a devotion to duty. Joe couldn’t ask for anything better in a frau. Not if he looked for years through all of our districts.”

  Katherine’s blush deepened. “Hush,” she scolded. “I don’t need to hear all that. I know that Joe’s heart is turned toward me, and I know that the Schrocks take their goot time about these things. That’s why I want to know if your wedding will be this fall. If it’s not, Joe might think I’ll be tied down here for years to come. I need to let him know I’m available whenever he’s ready.”

  Ernest nodded. “That’s fair enough, and the truth is, we haven’t set a date yet. But I do plan to marry Susanna this fall.”

  “That’s not much of an answer,” Katherine said.

  Ernest nodded, and the room faded from before his eyes. He imagined Susanna’s form as she ran with Lizzie toward the Millers’ barn. The girl was light of foot and graceful as the deer that grazed on the meadows below his freshly mown hay field. He was sure Susanna would never have allowed him to see her in such a state if she had known he was sitting in his buggy watching her. How gracious of the Lord to allow him such an endearing glimpse of the woman he loved.

  “You’re a totally hopeless cause tonight,” Katherine muttered, and got up to leave.

  Ernest smiled up at her. “I’m in love.”

  “I hope the deacon can talk some sense into you tonight,” Katherine said. “What’s he coming over for anyway?”

  Ernest sat up straight. He had forgotten about Deacon Herman’s request after the service on Sunday. “Have you got a moment some night this week?” the deacon had asked him.

  “For you, I’ll make time,” Ernest had answered.

  Deacon Herman had chuckled. “I thought I’d stop by and catch up on things, but it’s nothing that can’t wait, of course.”

  Ernest had nodded, not wanting to ask questions. Deacon Herman wouldn’t divulge the reason for his visit anyway, but he couldn’t imagine he was in trouble with the church ordnung. That was usually the reason the deacon stopped by. He was one of the most upstanding members the community could wish to display to the world.

  Katherine waved her hand in front of his face again. “Do I have to dig for that too?” She didn’t wait for an answer, but disappeared into the kitchen.

  “Thanks for reminding me,” Ernest hollered after her.

  Katherine wouldn’t eavesdrop once Deacon Herman arrived. The Helmuth children had all been brought up to respect each other’s privacy, but Katherine would ask him afterward for details.

  As he heard the sound of a buggy pulling in the driveway, Ernest got up from his rocker and hurried out the front door and across the lawn. Deacon Herman had tied his horse to the hitching post when Ernest arrived at the buggy. The deacon turned and greeted him with a cheery, “Goot evening there, Ernest. I see your sister’s got the place still in one piece.”

  Ernest laughed. “Goot evening, and yah, Katherine has been a great blessing to me. I don’t know what my girls or I would have done without her.”

  Deacon Herman smiled. “The Lord provides grace as it’s needed. I hear you expect some further grace supplied, perhaps with a frau this wedding season.”

  Ernest grinned from ear to ear. “Susanna Miller has been given to me straight from the Lord’s hands. She is a woman full of grace and glory, and Susanna is all that a man who wishes to follow the Lord’s will could desire. I could speak all night on that subject, but I’m sure you are aware already of what a blessing Susanna will be to me.”

  Deacon Herman gave Ernest a quick glance. “I see you’re in love, and that is goot. The Lord intends for us to marry and bear kinner for the next generation. I was a little afraid you had forgotten that command, but I see you were just a little slow getting around to it.”

  Ernest leaned against the buggy wheel. “All in its own goot time, deacon. You can’t hurry the Lord, you know. He grinds His grain fine. Isn’t that what you preachers say on Sunday? It seems one’s faith gets tested in real life at times.” Ernest paused to glance in Deacon Herman’s direction. The man had a slight smile on his face, so he took the teasing well. Ernest cleared his throat. “I have always appreciated your efforts on the community’s behalf, deacon, so don’t get me wrong. Preaching and teaching the Lord’s Word cannot be a small or easy task. I know I wouldn’t be nearly as goot about it as all of you are, so I guess that’s why no one ever voted for me. They must have read the Lord’s mind—”

  “Ah,” Deacon Herman interrupted. “I understand how you feel, Ernest. None of us choses to walk in the church’s holy calling, but all of us are brethren together, as you well know. We must keep our hearts equally holy before the Lord.”

  Ernest brought his head up with a jerk. “You’re not saying that I…please don’t tell me this is about some ordnung transgression that caused this visit. I have been most diligent, deacon, I can assure you. Although with my sorrow at Naomi’s passing, and perhaps with my girls I have missed something in their dress or comportment? Katherine tries, but she is still young. You know that, surely?” Ernest stopped. Deacon Herman must have shaken his head some time ago, but Ernest hadn’t noticed.

  Deacon Herman smiled again as he said, “If you’ll let me get a word in edgewise, I’ll explain the reason for my visit.”

  Ernest looked toward the ground and ran his shoe in circles through the gravel. “We can go inside to talk, if you wish. It would be more comfortable. There’s an extra rocker open.” Ernest forced a laugh. “Not for too long, I hope, but it’s empty now.”

  Deacon Herman coughed and Ernest fell silent again. There was no reason for nervousness. He had done nothing wrong.

  “It would be best if we spoke out here,” Deacon Herman said. “I know you trust your sister fully, but I wish to speak plainly on a matter.”

  “What is it, then?” Ernest asked.

  “This concerns Susanna,” Deacon Herman said, “and your plans to wed the woman. This is what you intend, is it not?”

  “Of course.” The words leaped out of Ernest’s mouth. “All my hopes are in that direction. Susanna’s in the baptismal class, and Ralph has given me his full approval. I mean, who else would marry the woman after how she has conducted herself? I know the ministry had hoped that no signs of Susanna’s Englisha mother would surface in her character, but now that they have, what else could—”

  Deacon Herman silenced him with an uplifted hand. “I know you are taken with the woman’s charm, Ernest. And Susanna is a beautiful girl.”

  “Beautiful as the Lord intended,” Ernest leaped in again. “But Susanna’s intentions are plain enough. She plans to deal with the effects of her Englisha mother’s influence with submission and obedience to the Lord and to the church. What more—”

  “And to you?” Deacon Herman interrupted again.

  “Yah, once I wed her.” Erne
st allowed his puzzlement to show.

  Deacon Herman attempted a smile. “In the meantime, there are some concerns that the ministry has about Susanna.”

  Ernest opened his mouth, but Deacon Herman lifted his hand to say, “Yah, you are right. Susanna is attending the baptismal classes, and she says all the right words and has all the right actions.”

  “So what…?” Ernest tried again.

  Deacon Herman continued, “The woman doesn’t appear happy, Ernest. Not as she was before she began the baptismal classes or you began your relationship with her. We haven’t spoken with Ralph on the matter. The man has enough on his mind. But you are the one who hopes to win Susanna’s affections, so we thought this should be taken up with you. Perhaps you two have spoken of her happiness? Do you know any reason that might account for Susanna’s sorrow? Does she mourn her life among her Englisha friends? Does she still speak with that Englisha man who had the birthday greeting placed on the store sign in DeKalb for her?”

  “You could ask her,” Ernest interrupted. “Why—”

  Deacon Herman shook his head. “These questions involve you. We don’t wish to place Susanna in an uncomfortable situation, since we think the answer to all of these questions is probably a yah. Her feelings cannot really be held against her, other than maybe her contact with the Englisha man, but even that can easily be repented of. Perhaps she has already taken care of that. We do have some confidence in her daett, that he can lead his family right. Our question is, why has your relationship with Susanna not drawn her away from all these things and brought her happiness? I don’t mean to meddle, but are you promised to each other? If you are, she must love you, and…” Deacon Herman let the sentence hang.

  “Of course she loves me, as any godly woman would,” Ernest protested. “Susanna fears the Lord and wishes to walk in His ways. I am a blessing that she is thankful for.”

  “I wouldn’t argue with that, but...” Deacon Herman searched for words. “Surely you know that trouble could wait down the road if Susanna’s heart is not truly yours. Forgive me for even saying this, but we do have to look at how things appear, and you should see the woman’s face during the baptismal classes. Susanna is very unhappy. Even if she weds you, if she is not at peace, things could…” Deacon Herman looked away and sighed. “Not having a frau now is difficult for you, Ernest, but having a frau who might be tempted to jump the fence is worse than difficult. Surely you have thought of that possibility?”