Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “I suppose I do,” Susanna allowed, but she didn’t look at him. Could she love this man as her husband? The thought left her weak. She had always known she would never love Ernest Helmuth even if she married him. Yet he had been the only man she had ever considered for a husband. As for Joey, what if her feeling for him was just gratitude? Joey deserved better than that. He deserved a wife who could love him with her whole heart.

  “Did I offend you?” Joey asked, and his hand found hers.

  Susanna forced herself to look at him and smile. “It’s not that, Joey. You brought up the Cinderella story, which I know little about. But I know the Amish Humpty Dumpty story better. We chanted the little rhyme in the school yard all the time.” Susanna closed her eyes and said the words from memory. “‘Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall; Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty together again.’ That,” Susanna said when she opened her eyes, “is who I am.”

  “I disagree,” he said. “You are Cinderella, and the Lord will give you a new heart. That’s why I was worried you would try to put the old one together again. You could never be the wife of that…” Joey appeared angry and waved his free hand about the car. “Whatever his name was. I’m glad that egg is broken.”

  Susanna couldn’t keep the smile off her face.

  “That’s better,” Joey said, glancing at her.

  “In truth, you probably pushed this poor Humpty Dumpty off the wall.”

  Joey laughed. “No, it just had to happen. But I’m here to help put Humpty back together again. Maybe all the king’s horses and all the king’s men just weren’t up to the task.”

  Susanna joined in his laughter as Joey slowed for the Millers’ driveway. “I wish I had all the answers for you, Susanna,” he said. “That way you’d fall into my arms like Cinderella did with the prince, but I don’t. I just know that I love you. I know your past, and I believe your best years are ahead.” A mischievous look crossed Joey’s face as he parked beside the barn. “With me, of course,” he finished.

  “Oh, Joey,” Susanna said, meeting his gaze. “You know I can’t make promises. I wish I could, but I—”

  “Go,” he said. He placed his hand on hers again. “Have a good day, and don’t work too hard. I’ll see you at five, and we’ll go out to eat. Will you give me that much of a promise?”

  Susanna took a deep breath. “That I can do.”

  “And we’ll go shopping,” he teased.

  “I’m holding you to that,” she shot back as she stepped out of the car.

  A grin filled Joey’s face as he turned the car around and drove out onto the road. Susanna watched until the car disappeared from sight before she moved toward the house.

  This was not her home anymore. She was only here for the day. She no longer had to think about Ernest Helmuth or how she could fit herself into his life as his frau. That was all behind her. She would go eat with Joey tonight, and she would hold him to his promise to shop. She had no idea what to buy, but she didn’t have to buy anything. She could use the time to familiarize herself with her new world. Maybe Joey was right. Maybe she could be put back together again. Maybe she could even return Joey’s love. The thought took her breath away. That is more than I can handle, Susanna told herself as she hurried up the sidewalk.

  Mamm greeted Susanna at the front door. “Goot morning. I see you’ve come.”

  “Yah, I said I would,” Susanna responded. “Put me to work!”

  Mamm led the way back inside. “I started the laundry before breakfast, but the first load is still in the basement. I guess you…” Mamm paused. “Susanna, I still feel bad about this. You don’t have to—”

  “I want to.” Susanna gave Mamm a hug. Mamm clung to her and tried to say something when Susanna let go. “It’s all right,” Susanna said.

  Susanna hurried toward the basement door.

  “I’m glad you’re home,” Mamm called after her, “even if it’s just for the day.”

  “So am I,” Susanna responded before she took the familiar basement steps one at a time.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  That evening the clock on the Millers’ kitchen wall ticked toward five. Susanna placed the last plate on the table and arranged the utensils in their proper places. She stood back to take in the familiar sight as Mamm walked in the room. Mamm’s quick glance took in her work. Everything was set as it should have been, but Susanna knew why Mamm frowned. They had avoided the subject all day.

  “I’m leaving at five with Joey,” Susanna said before the question was asked. “But I’ll be back tomorrow.”

  Mamm’s frown didn’t fade.

  “Maybe I can stay for supper tomorrow night,” Susanna suggested. “But tonight Joey asked me to eat out with him, and—” Susanna stopped. Mamm’s distress would only increase with details of Susanna’s evening plans.

  “I’m glad you could come today.” Mamm tried to smile. “And for all the work you did. This was a godsend. But can’t you think of what’s best for yourself, Susanna? It can’t be the way you’re headed right now out in the Englisha world. Maybe if you came back slowly into the community it would work this time?”

  Susanna opened her mouth to speak, but Mamm rushed on. “I know I’ve failed you often over the years, but I’d try hard to make things work this time. Your old room is still upstairs waiting for you.” Mamm ended on a hopeful note.

  Susanna stepped toward Mamm. With both hands she reached out to touch Mamm’s arm. “Mamm, I can’t come back. It’s not about you trying hard…or me, for that matter. You’re certainly not to blame for any of this. I know you loved me like your own child. I’ll always be grateful for that. I had a great childhood, Mamm.” Susanna forced a laugh. “It’s not as if you chained me up in a dungeon or something.”

  Mamm laughed with her and then fell silent.

  “Can we slowly build a new relationship?” Susanna searched Mamm’s face. “Please?”

  Mamm seemed confused. “A new relationship? But…”

  “What once was can never be again,” Susanna said. “I think you know it can’t. And would you have wanted me to live with Ernest Helmuth as his frau if I didn’t love him?”

  “But you would have learned to,” Mamm protested. “And Ernest will still take you, even now. He looks like a man lost in the woods at the service. You could love the man.”

  “You know I couldn’t,” Susanna insisted.

  Mamm reached up to tuck a few hairs under Susanna’s kapp. “At least you’re still wearing this.”

  Susanna took a deep breath. “I’m not making any promises about even that, Mamm. I’m Englisha now, and I’ll act like an Englisha woman soon.”

  Alarm filled Mamm’s face. “You’ll come home looking like them? You know Daett will be getting in enough trouble already.”

  Susanna shook her head. “Don’t worry. I’ll look decent here. I’ll keep my Amish dresses and my kapp, but I can no longer dress like I’m Amish when I’m out there in the Englisha world.”

  The sound of Joey’s car pulling into the driveway came through the open kitchen window. Susanna gave Mamm a quick hug. “Let’s just love each other,” Susanna said. “Okay?”

  “Okay,” Mamm whispered, through tears.

  Susanna nodded and slipped outside. She had seen Henry and James and Daett at lunch, and Noah when he came home from school. Tobias had been busy playing most of the day and was now resting quietly in his room upstairs. Susanna still hoped some of them might come out to see her off, but no one came through the barn door as Susanna climbed in the car.

  “No tears?” Joey teased as he turned the car around. “That’s progress.”

  “No tears,” Susanna repeated. “But that doesn’t mean it was easy.”

  “I’m sure it wasn’t, but you held up well,” Joey said tenderly. “So, what restaurant will it be?”

  “You choose,” Susanna said. “But first I have to go home and change.”

 
Joey raised his eyebrows and gave her a long look. “You appear fine to me even after a long day’s labor. That’s one of your gifts. Perfection whatever the situation, you know.”

  “You never used to be this irritating,” she teased. “Now take me back to Rosalyn’s place, and I’ll put something on that I haven’t worked in.”

  “Okay,” he said with a grin. “I still say you look fine.”

  “Does Rosalyn know about our going out to supper?” Susanna asked.

  “Does she need to know?” he asked as he slowed for the town limits of Canton.

  “It just seems like the right thing to do,” Susanna said. “She’ll want to know.”

  “She knows,” Joey said. “I called her, and she’s ecstatic that we’re having an evening out.”

  Joey took his time to work through the stoplights in Canton. He seemed lost in thought, and finally Susanna glanced at him. “Did you have a difficult day at school?”

  “A little, but nothing unusual,” he said. “I want to start law school next term, so I’ve had to take some extra classes to make that happen.”

  “That’s sounds interesting. I’ve never…” Susanna searched for words. She knew next to nothing about the Englisha ways of schooling. “I’ve always wanted to learn more but never had the chance.”

  “It’s never too late,” Joey said. “You could go back to school if you want to.”

  Susanna sighed. “No, I don’t think so. Learning this new way of life is going to be more schooling than I can handle. But I’ll always want to learn, I’m sure. Beyond that I’m still a little Amish. Maybe that’s something that will stay with me. I want things like a home, a husband, children, and of course…” Susanna stopped. She had best not go on.

  “I think that’s perfectly beautiful.” Joey’s voice soothed Susanna’s ruffled spirit. “You need not have regrets about that. Education isn’t all there is to life.”

  “But all your family is educated, aren’t they?”

  “Yes, but that can be both a blessing and a drawback,” Joey said. “I grew up in the home of a successful lawyer who was always busy with his work. Dad tried to make time for his children, but there was never enough. I don’t want to live like that, even if do become a lawyer. So don’t devalue yourself, Susanna. You have graces I greatly admire and need.”

  Susanna avoided his glance and began to blush. “You shouldn’t say such things,” she whispered.

  “I’ll say what I wish,” Joey declared, “and that’s that.”

  Susanna managed to laugh as Joey sped up once they neared the other side of Canton. When Joey pulled in the lane to the bed-and-breakfast, Susanna hopped out of the car and called out, “I’ll be right back.”

  Rosalyn met her on her way to her room. “Why are you here? I thought Joey was taking you out to eat.”

  “He is,” Susanna said. “I have to change.”

  Rosalyn took in her dress and shoes. “I suppose you could, but you look clean to me.”

  “I want to look like someone from his world,” Susanna said. As she went into her room, Rosalyn followed her. Without hesitation Susanna picked out the best Englisha dress she had made so far and slipped it on. With a flourish she loosened her hair bun and allowed the curls to flow over her shoulders and all the way to her hips. She would have to cut her hair to shoulder length soon, but this would do for now. A few brush strokes would be goot enough with clips for the loose sides. Susanna finished her hair and turned in the mirror to check the results.

  “Okay, I guess,” she muttered to herself. “Different—that’s for sure.” She knew her mamm would have passed out from shock.

  Susanna turned to Rosalyn, who had been waiting. “Is it okay?”

  “You look stunning,” Rosalyn said. “Now go.”

  Susanna stepped outside and carefully kept her back to the car. That couldn’t last for long. She would have to face Joey. Susanna gathered herself together and moved toward the car. When she climbed in and closed the door, Joey stared.

  “Is it that bad?” Susanna asked.

  “Oh, sure. It’s just awful,” he teased.

  “It’s the most Englisha looking I’ve ventured so far,” she said.

  Joey started the car and drove down the lane. “It’s stunning… stupendous.” He looked both ways before he pulled out on Route 68. “I think I have to go home and change to match how good you look.”

  “You don’t have to,” she said.

  “I was kidding.” He reached for her hand. “You don’t know what this means to me. After all this time, and to see you like this. My heart overflows with…well…”

  “Stop it,” she ordered. She pulled her hand away with a shy smile.

  Silence filled the car as Joey grinned. As they approached town again, his gaze drifted toward her at regular intervals. Susanna smiled each time, and Joey’s face lit up. Susanna finally asked, “Are we going to do this all the way to wherever we’re going?”

  Joey chuckled and cleared his throat. “We will be adults now and behave,” he said. “I will look straight ahead and not at the beautiful woman next to me. When we get to the restaurant I will pretend she’s my sister and that I can barely stand the sight of her.”

  “Joey,” Susanna giggled. “Stop it.”

  “I can’t help it,” Joey said. His face was sober, and his hand found hers. “I love you, Susanna. I have for a long time.”

  Susanna wanted to say the words too, but they stuck in her throat. Joey seemed to understand. You’ll have to give me more time, she almost said, but she was sure Joey already knew that.

  When the car came to a stop at a red light, Susanna leaned across the seat and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  The following Saturday morning, Ernest Helmuth drove his buggy east of DeKalb toward Deacon Herman’s place. His hands hung loose on the reins, and Gambit took his time.

  “Getup, there,” Ernest shouted through the buggy windshield, but the effect was nil.

  Even Gambit no longer responded to his commands. Ernest’s frown deepened. How was he to keep his head up at the Sunday services with things in the condition they were? The younger boys who gathered in the barnyard after the services had begun to snicker unashamedly when he walked past them. He was an embarrassment. Susanna should be the center of the community’s outrage and concern, but she wasn’t.

  Now that the issue had been resolved, everyone seemed to have heaved a collective sigh and moved on. He hadn’t. How could he when the humiliation was so great? Even the news of his rejection by Bishop Mark from the neighboring district had somehow leaked out—as it always did in such a close-knit community. He should have known better than to risk the visit to Bishop Mark, but he hadn’t been able to help himself. No danger seemed too great when it came to Susanna. He had desperately wanted her as his frau and as a mamm for Lizzie and Martha. Was there shame in that?

  There was no shame, Ernest reminded himself—except the community didn’t see things that way. What they saw was a man jilted by a beautiful woman. Furthermore, she had jumped the fence rather than marry him. It would have been better for him to have never made a move for Susanna’s affections, than to have her reject him for such a lowly option. He would never regain his former high standing in the community, but somehow he must try. In the meantime, the risk he had taken for Susanna’s sake had gotten him into deep water. Could any further risk make things worse? He would speak with Deacon Herman again this morning, regardless of the cost.

  Ernest tightened his grip on the reins as Deacon Herman’s place came into view. Even Gambit perked up his ears a bit. Maybe there was hope in his morning errand. As low as he felt, even the smallest expression of sympathy for his cause from Deacon Herman would be like a fresh breeze on a hot summer day.

  Ernest pulled in Deacon Herman’s driveway and parked his buggy beside the barn. He had Gambit tied to the hitching ring when Deacon Herman appeared in the barn doorway.

  Deacon Herman gre
eted him. “I thought I heard someone drive in.”

  “Goot morning,” Ernest responded. “How is everything?”

  Deacon Herman ignored the question to say, “If you’re here to convince me to discipline the Miller family because Susanna’s helping her mamm during the week, it’s not going to work. At least when she’s there, she dresses Amish and wears her kapp around the family. I’d say we’d best leave things the way they are.”

  Ernest stood in stunned silence before he sputtered, “But this is so wrong, so out of whack, so, so, so, ungodly. How can you stand there and tell me otherwise?”

  “Be careful there,” Deacon Herman chided. “You’ve already overreached with your visit to Bishop Mark. It’s an undeserved blessing for you that Bishop Enos didn’t require a church confession for that stunt.”

  “A stunt!” Ernest exclaimed. “How can you say that? I was only doing my duty.”

  Deacon Herman grinned. “I think your desire for a beautiful frau like Susanna is clouding your eyes, Ernest. The Scriptures warn against such an attitude, and you should take the holy words to heart. All beauty is vain and deceitful when the heart isn’t right. Susanna had set her heart on the Englisha world where her real mamm came from, and there’s nothing any of us can do about that. Ralph has repented to the Lord and the church for his past sins, and there’s no sense in adding to his sorrow. That’s what would have happened if Susanna had married you and jumped the fence afterward. Actions have consequences, and Ralph understands that. Maybe our pride would have been too great if we had succeeded? We might think others can sin willfully like Ralph did and have everything turn out well. You have to be honest, Ernest. Would that not be the lesson our young people learned if Susanna had turned out the way all of us wished she had? So leave the final judgment of Susanna in the Lord’s hand, because you need to get on with your life. That’s my word for you. We have plenty of unwed sisters in the community who would take your hand in marriage. Even with the embarrassment you’ve made out of yourself. Visit one of them this morning and you can have that wedding this fall. How about that?” Deacon Herman reached over to slap Ernest on the back. “Isn’t it time your daughters had a real mamm and you had a frau instead of your sister to take care of your house? Katherine has done a great job, I’m sure, but the Lord’s gift to a man is a frau, not a sister.” Deacon Herman’s hand came down in another solid whack. “How about it, Ernest? Shall I visit a woman with you, and speak a goot word on your behalf?”