Until I Love Again

by Jerry S. Eicher

Daett called from the kitchen. “Goot morning, Susanna. Come and eat some of Mamm’s delicious oatmeal. There’s still a little left.”

  “I’ve already eaten,” Susanna hollered back. She hung her coat on the hook behind the living room stove and entered the kitchen.

  “Sit down at least.” Mamm gave her a big smile. “Daett was just ready to read the morning’s devotions.”

  Susanna nodded and greeted her brothers as she pulled out a kitchen chair. They responded with mumbled greetings. Daett gave her a kind look, after which he opened the huge family Bible and began to read. “ ‘The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted…’ ” Daett’s voice broke for a second. “ ‘To preach deliverance…’ ”

  There were tears on Daett’s face. Had there been a family quarrel this morning? None of her brothers appeared upset, and Mamm wasn’t troubled. Why, then, was Daett in tears while he read the Scriptures? There seemed no clear answer as Daett finished and smiled at her again. “That is a goot Scripture,” he said to no one in particular. “Let us pray.”

  Chairs and benches scraped on the hardwood floor, and the Miller family knelt. Susanna missed this tradition and always would. Neither the Macalister family nor the Osseos practiced such an ancient custom. She still knelt to pray at night in her room, and hopefully someday she would kneel with her husband in prayer—whoever he might be.

  When Daett called out “Amen,” Susanna sat up with everyone else and Mamm started directing the boys on their chores. The boys responded slowly while Susanna cleared the table.

  Minutes later Henry and James told her to have a goot day as they went out the washroom door to the barn. Susanna gave them a quick wave and reached over to tickle Tobias’s chin.

  Noah came down from getting ready, and Susanna asked him, “How are things going at school?”

  The boy’s eyes shone as he said, “We studied horses yesterday, and today we’re going to write about them.”

  As he headed off for school, Susanna turned to Daett, still seated at the table. His tears were gone, but a pensive look still filled his face. Little Tobias took the moment to scurry past his daett and head toward the living room. Daett’s gaze followed the boy, and then his eyes turned back to Susanna. “I have something planned today that we need to do.”

  The tears glistened again on Daett’s cheeks. Mamm must have noticed because she stepped away from the stove to give Daett a quick hug. With a pat on Daett’s shoulder, Mamm went into the living room. Susanna and her daett were alone by design. Daett had requested this from Mamm, but for what reason? A thousand thoughts raced through Susanna’s mind as Daett studied the kitchen tabletop.

  Was Daett ready to propose another way she could come back to the community?

  Had another Amish man made a proposal of marriage that Daett thought might lure her in again?

  Did Daett know about Joey, how close they had become since she had left? Did Daett plan to warn against the obvious?

  Or maybe the community had lost its patience with her having such easy access to her family each week. That would be the worse option of them all.

  Susanna waited until Daett cleared his throat and looked up again. “Mamm knows where we’re going, and she agrees,” Daett said, standing to his feet. “Come, daughter. We have some traveling ahead of us today.”

  Daett grabbed his coat in the washroom, and Susanna retrieved hers from the living room.

  “Wait while I get the horse,” Daett said once they were near the barn.

  Moments later Daett reappeared with his hands on Charlie’s bridle. “I thought we’d drive your old horse today,” Daett said, his smile thin.

  Susanna held the buggy shafts up for him and fastened the tugs on her side. Daett had something special in mind. She wanted to ask what, but perhaps it was best to wait and see.

  They climbed in the buggy, and Daett drove out of the driveway and took a left on Highway 17. From there he took Ritchie Road north until they reached Route 812 toward Heuvelton. Susanna waited while the miles rolled past slowly, and Daett finally began to speak. “This is difficult for me today, Susanna. I have a serious confession to make. But before I tell you, I want to say again that my sins lay heavy upon me, and yet you have brought much joy to my life. I can never express fully how much I love you. I didn’t know that such sorrow and happiness could live together in a human heart.”

  “I’m sorry I didn’t turn out the way you hoped,” Susanna whispered.

  “It’s not that!” Daett shook his head. “I was out of my place to plan your life like I did. I added pride to the sins that already were laid to my account, and yet I feel the Lord had mercy upon me. I am unworthy of such kindness, Susanna. I want to say that I have not been the man I should have been.”

  “Daett, please.” Susanna reached over to loop her arm in his.

  He fell silent again and didn’t speak until they reached the edge of Heuvelton. “I want to take you down by the river’s edge, Susanna,” Daett said. “I once brought you here when you were very small, but I haven’t dared come back with you since. I didn’t want you to remember the place.”

  “The river’s edge?” Susanna held her breath as Daett brought Charlie to a stop. The reins hung limply in his hands. “But I do know this place, Daett. I’ve come here often. There is nothing to be ashamed of, unless…”

  Daett looked away. “Yah, you already know, I see. Or maybe you can guess.” Daett groaned. “What a fool I have been to think I could run from the past. The Lord will have none of it, I see. All that was broken must be healed regardless of the pain we suffer. But come.” He climbed down from the buggy and came around to offer his hand to Susanna.

  She lowered herself down the buggy steps. With her hand still on Daett’s arm, she followed him to the swift flowing water’s edge.

  “I use to bring your mamm here,” Daett said, the pain strong on his face. “I need to tell you this, Susanna, and some other things also.”

  Susanna waited as the moments passed. Daett seemed to have difficulty breathing, and Susanna slid her arm around his waist and pulled him close.

  “Your mamm could also play the Englisha music,” Daett said. “I’m sorry I haven’t told you this before, but I had hoped you—”

  “Daett, please,” Susanna begged again. “You don’t have to do this to yourself. I’m okay.”

  “These things must be said.” Daett fixed his eyes on the river. “I have erred greatly in not saying them before. I have wished often to hear your mamm play again, and now I have a daughter who loves music, but for me this cannot be.” Daett glanced toward her. “I hope you understand that. I have no plans to jump the fence with you. I cannot listen to such music or allow it in my life, even if you play like your mamm did. I only wish to make things right with you, Susanna, and they will not be right if I am not honest.” Daett paused to catch his breath. “Come,” he said. “We have a ways to travel yet.”

  “Where are we going?” Susanna asked on the walk back to the buggy.

  “You will see when we get there,” Daett said, and would say no more.

  He had explained some things, but there must be much more. Daett wouldn’t have been so disturbed this morning over the revelations he had given her so far.

  Only the beat of Charlie’s hooves on the pavement filled the buggy as Daett drove north on Route 812 toward Ogdensburg. Each mile deepened the somber look on Daett’s face.

  “Can’t you tell me where we’re going?” Susanna finally asked him.

  “I was up here last week,” Daett said, as if that answered things. “They agreed to see you. I can’t say that I would have blamed them if they had refused, but they are more righteous than I am.”

  Susanna waited, but Daett didn’t speak again until they had reached the outskirts of Ogdensburg. “I have hidden something from you all these years.” Daett turned down a side street and lapsed into silence again.

  “You
had best just say it, Daett,” Susanna said. “Whatever this is, I will still love you like before. Haven’t I already proven that point?”

  “Yah, you have,” Daett agreed.

  Susanna was ready to probe again, but Daett said, “Your Englisha grandparents are still alive, Susanna. That’s where I’m taking you. I made an arrangement with them all those years back when I took you into my home that they would not try to contact you or interfere with your upbringing in any way. They were reluctant, but Mindy had told them that if she ever passed, they should place you in my care if I wished to have you—which I did. They agreed to my conditions out of respect for their daughter’s instructions and for the ways of our people.”

  Daett choked up and Susanna waited. Her chest burned with fear and delight. A strange joy that was mingled with terror filled her. Her mamm’s parents were still alive?

  “You never told me.” Susanna’s words rang in the buggy.

  Tears trickled down Daett’s cheeks. “Now you see what my greatest sin has been, daughter. I thought it was when I sinned with your mamm, but this has only made things worse. I don’t ask that you forgive me, but you need to know. Somehow I must make right what little I can—if I can.”

  Susanna could scarcely believe it. She had Englisha grandparents! A woman who was her mamm’s mamm was still alive!

  “This is the house,” Daett said. He brought Charlie to a stop, and the reins dangled in his hand. “This is the same place I came to all those years ago. This is where your mamm would bring me in my rumspringa time.”

  “What are their names?” Susanna asked.

  “Hunter and Alice,” Daett said. “They are goot people. They have always been very goot people.”

  “And they want to see me?” She felt cold all over. She suddenly wished Joey was with her, but that wasn’t possible.

  “Yah, daughter,” Daett said. “They were overjoyed when I came last week. They wanted to drive out and meet you at once, but I begged them to allow me this moment. I wanted to bring you, to atone in a small way for what I have done.” Daett’s eyes had filled with tears again.

  Susanna gathered herself together and reached for Daett’s hand. “I will go see them,” she told him. “Take me to my grandparents, my own flesh and blood.”

  “Yah,” Daett said, and his eyes shone as with a bright light.

  Chapter Forty

  Susanna didn’t move as Daett knocked on the front door of the fancy Englisha home. The ground under her feet was still moving in circles. It was so hard to fathom. Her Englisha mamm’s parents were still alive, and Daett had known all these years. It made perfect sense from Daett’s point of view. He had been worried she would be drawn into the Englisha world if she had regular contact with Englisha relatives. But that had happened anyway, and now Daett was seeking to make amends.

  Susanna jumped when she heard a man’s voice come from the side yard. “I thought I heard a buggy drive up.”

  “Hunter,” Daett said. He held his hat in his hand.

  The man came around the corner of the house. He stepped forward and nodded to Daett, but quickly turned to Susanna. He hesitated in front of her and seemed to search for words. “Is this who I think it is?” he finally asked, extending his hand.

  Susanna reached for his hand. The grip was gentle and kind. This, then, was her grandfather.

  “Susanna,” he said. “Mindy’s girl.” Tears filled his eyes. “Please give me a moment while I fetch Alice. We were expecting you today, but we didn’t know when.” He glanced back the way he had come. “Alice is still in the garden. She—” He paused. “On second thought, come! Let me take you to her.” He turned to lead the way. Susanna’s knees trembled, but she followed close behind the two men. When they rounded the corner of the house, an older woman was kneeling in the dirt. She rose slowly to her feet and turned to face the three of them. Susanna held back, half-hidden behind the two men. All of this was so sudden and awkward. How did one see one’s grandmother for the first time as an adult?

  “Alice,” Hunter said. “They have come.”

  Alice seemed to waver, and Hunter reached out to take her arm. “Alice,” he repeated. “Susanna is here.”

  “I know,” Alice said. She took a step forward and Susanna forced herself to move.

  Alice searched Susanna’s face. “My granddaughter. Is it really you?” Alice reached out her hand and then drew Susanna into a hug. Susanna held on as the years seemed to crash over each other and break on some distant shore. She was a little girl again and seeing Grandma for the first time, only she was all grown-up and towering above the elderly woman in her arms.

  “I’m dreaming. It is Mindy, is it not, Hunter? She looks just like her.”

  Hunter just smiled as Alice continued, taking Susanna by the hand. “Come sit, dear, and tell me all about yourself. There is a garden bench over there. Hunter and I sit here in the summer evenings. I can’t tell you how many times we’ve wondered aloud about you, hoping you’ve been having a happy life.”

  Susanna was at a loss for words, but it didn’t seem to matter to Alice. “Let me look at you again.” Alice studied Susanna’s face and reached up to move a few wisps of hair on Susanna’s forehead. “You really do look like her,” Alice whispered, her face aglow. “You are Mindy’s daughter.” Alice looked skyward and prayed, “Oh, dear Lord, thank You for this day. Thank You that I have lived to see her this side of eternity.”

  Daett and Hunter left them alone, and stayed at a distance.

  “You’re all grown-up!” Alice said as she studied Susanna. “You were so tiny when we saw you last, your little fingers curled around mine.” Alice’s face clouded. “Oh, how we wished to see you again and again…but your father—”

  “I know,” Susanna interrupted. “Daett is very sorry for what he did.”

  “Sweet girl.” Alice pressed Susanna’s hand tightly. “You are welcome in our world, but we respected our daughter’s and your father’s wishes, difficult as that was. I think the years aged me faster because of that decision, but I never felt we could back away from it.” Alice’s face brightened. “I prayed often that this day would come, and now it has.”

  “I’m glad this day has arrived too,” Susanna said with a slight laugh. “I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that you even exist. Daett never told me.”

  “Now, just think,” Alice said. “We have the rest of our lives to make up for all those lost years.” Alice gave Susanna a tender look. “You’ll be able to come often, won’t you? I understand you’re no longer Amish.”

  “No, I’m not.” Susanna dropped her gaze to the ground.

  “Come.” Alice stood to her feet. “There’s no sense in being sorrowful on a day like this. Shall I show you the house?”

  Alice didn’t wait for an answer and led Susanna by the hand in through the back door. As they walked through the kitchen and dining room, the massive living room opened up in front of them with a vast expanse of ceiling. Susanna drew in a quick breath as she took in a beautiful antique piano near a stone fireplace.

  Alice’s gaze followed Susanna’s eyes. “Can you play?” Alice asked.

  Susanna approached the piano and pulled up the small bench. She seated herself and ran her fingers slowly over the keys. The sound trembled and hung for long moments in the heights of the ceiling. With greater assurance, Susanna played faster and yet more gently. She didn’t stop even when the front door opened and she saw Daett and Hunter out of the corner of her eye. Daett would have to think what he wished. She was no longer his little Amish girl, and he might as well see who she had become. And had Daett not spoken of how her Englisha mamm played music, likely on this very piano?

  Susanna’s fingers stumbled at the thought, but she recovered herself. With renewed zeal she allowed the music to flow out of her. The sorrow of the past months, the pain of what had been left behind, the agony of impossible dreams, and the look in Joey’s eyes that night he held her hand in the moonlight at the Osseos’ po
nd. They all seemed to melt into one exquisite symphony.

  Susanna felt hope enter her heart and let the emotion sweep through her. If there was sorrow in the world, there was also joy. If there was pain, the Lord had also supplied an escape. Could she not walk the road ahead of her, no matter where it led? Maybe Daett had brought her here today for that reason, even if he didn’t fully understand why himself. Thankfulness filled her heart as the notes slowly died away. Susanna turned around with trembling hands to see Alice and Hunter both beaming. Even Daett had tears streaming down his face.

  “You are the Lord’s angel,” Alice said. “How many years has it been since I heard such music?” Alice wrapped Susanna in a tight embrace and didn’t let go for a long time.

  Daett finally interrupted them when he loudly cleared his throat. “We have a long way back home, and we’d best be going now,” he said.

  “So soon?” Alice protested.

  “Susanna will come again,” Daett said. “She will come without me, of course.” Daett hung his head. “We really have to go.”

  “You are welcome here anytime, Ralph,” Hunter said.

  Daett nodded but said nothing.

  Alice and Susanna hugged again, and then Susanna turned to Hunter and gave him a hug as well. “I will come again,” she said to both of them.

  “Thanks for bringing her, Ralph,” Alice said. “I can’t thank you enough.”

  “I am shamed greatly,” Daett muttered from halfway down the sidewalk.

  Susanna hurried to catch up. Already Daett had begun to change from what he had been this morning. Did he regret his decision to bring her here? If he did, the deed was already done. He had opened up the way for her into a new life in ways even she could not fully understand. For that she would forever be grateful.

  “Thank you for this day,” Susanna said as they climbed in the buggy.

  Daett hung his head and drove down the street without an answer. Susanna kept her silence. If Daett wished to mourn further she would respect him, but she was thankful for what he had given her.