Dear Heart, I Hate You

by J. Sterling

  “We’re supposed to only serve the tequila. We have a bunch of specialty drinks featuring it, but I can get you whatever you want. I have a full bar back here.”

  I let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you so much. Can I just get a vodka cran, and do you happen to have a good bourbon?”

  “Of course.” He smiled, his dimples on full display. “Any vodka preference?”

  “Yes. Belvedere or Cîroc.”

  “You got it,” he said before pouring and mixing my drink. “Any bourbon preference?”

  “I actually don’t know a thing about it. But he likes Blanton’s, if that helps,” I said.

  The bartender frowned for a moment. “We don’t have Blanton’s, but I have something comparable that he’ll like.”

  “You’re the best. I’m going to tell Ron to keep you forever.”

  He smiled again. “I’d appreciate that. It’s actually my first time working at one of his events.”

  “I really will put in a good word for you.”

  “Thank you.”

  I paid for the drinks, left him a tip, and walked over to where Cal was still sitting, deep in conversation.

  “Sorry. I don’t mean to interrupt; I just wanted to bring you this.” I offered the bourbon to Cal, who smiled and kissed my hand after taking the drink.

  “Thanks so much, babe.”

  “I’m going to go find Tami. Take your time. It’s nice to see you again, Tabbie,” I said as I smiled at her.

  “You too, Jules. Thanks for letting us borrow him,” she said, batting her fake eyelashes.

  “No problem.”

  “Jules.” Ron reached for my wrist and pulled me toward him. “I have a couple people I want you to meet. They’re thinking about getting a summer home, and I suggested Malibu.”

  “You’re the best. Thank you.” I kissed his cheek. “By the way, that bartender over there was a sweetheart. Don’t let him go.”

  He glanced toward the bar. “I’ll make sure I talk to him before I leave for the night. I got your boy here. Go have fun.”

  Knowing Cal would be tied up for a while, I headed back downstairs and toward the dance floor, where I assumed Tami still was. When I walked into the room, which had grown exponentially more crowded than when I’d just left it, I saw Tami right where I expected her to be—standing in the center of a group of guys, her arm around one of them. No doubt he was complimenting her on her exotic green eyes.

  I walked over, and her face split into a big smile when she noticed me. I had to bite my tongue to keep myself from commenting on how red her face was from drinking.

  “Jules! Guys, this is my best friend, Jules, and her—” She looked past my shoulder. “Where’s Cal? Oh my God, did you ditch him? Jules, I liked him. Where is he? Did you send him back to Boston?”

  I grabbed her shoulders and squared her to face me. “He’s talking to Ron and Tabbie about work stuff.”

  “Seriously? What kind of work stuff?”

  “I don’t know, but Ron asked him if he worked in finance, and then said he needed to talk to him.”

  “Interesting,” she said before sipping whatever she was drinking.

  “I thought so too.” I swirled my drink around, making the ice clink against the glass.

  We hung out there together, chatting with the guys, who apparently worked at one of the studios in town, and doing some people watching. Tami was flirting with one of the guys, and if I knew my best friend, which I did, she planned on taking him home later.

  Feeling like hours had passed, I told Tami I was going to check on Cal before leaving her in the arms, literally, of her future one-night stand. She stood on her tiptoe and whispered something into his ear before she motioned for me to come back.

  “What?” I had to practically shout my question over the noise of the crowd.

  “I don’t need a ride home. Okay?”

  Not happy with the situation, I studied the guy. He was tall, built, and looked sort of sweet with his hipster glasses perched on his nose.

  “Are you sure?”

  She cocked her head. “I’m sure.”

  “Please be safe.” I turned toward the guy, whose name I had already forgotten. “What’s your name, and where do you work again?” His face paled slightly before he answered my questions, and I gave him an evil smile. “Good. You kill her, I turn you in to the cops.”

  “Uh . . .” He shot an uncertain glance at Tami, who glared at me.

  “She’s joking.”

  I leaned close to whisper in her ear. “I’m not. You need to be more careful, please. There are crazy people in this world. Probably here at this party, as a matter of fact.”

  She sucked in a breath and a crease formed on her forehead. “You’re right. I’ll text you later when I get home, and I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  Confused, I asked, “Are you leaving already?”

  “No. Not yet, but soon.”

  I shook my head and left to check on Cal. I had no idea how much time had passed, but it felt like forever. As I turned down the long corridor, I spotted him coming toward me.

  “Cal!” I quickened my pace.

  He opened his arms and pulled me into a hug before kissing my lips. “I think I just got hired to handle Tabbie’s finances,” he said with an incredulous look on his face.

  “Seriously?” I asked, completely surprised.

  “I’ll tell you about it on the way home.”

  “Okay,” I said, super excited for what all this meant for Cal.

  Then a director I recognized tapped Cal on the shoulder and asked if he could speak to him. Cal cast a glance at me before I stepped aside with a smile.

  I made my way back through the crowd toward Tami, who forced me to dance with her for the next hour. My body dripped with sweat as we shook our asses and danced like no one was watching.

  When someone gripped my waist and turned me toward them, my hands instantly balled into fists and my body turned rigid.

  “It’s just me,” Cal said as he released me, and I threw myself into his arms.

  “Sorry I’m sweaty.”

  “It looks good on you.” He kissed my cheek. “My little salt queen.”

  “Gross,” I said with a mock snarl as the guy Tami had picked for the night approached her.

  Tami turned to us. “We’re leaving. I’ll talk to you later, girl. ’Bye, Cal. It was nice to meet you.” She gave him a hug and whispered something into his ear. He bit back a smile before turning serious and nodding his head.

  We watched her walk away with her guy before I asked, “Did you want to stay and mingle some more?”

  “No.” He pulled me close and pressed his lips against my forehead. “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”

  I wanted to be home in that instant. Why hadn’t someone invented a transportation machine yet?

  “Now. I’m ready to go now,” I said, and he smiled.

  “Good. I’d rather all this sweat on your body have come from the things I’m doing to it.”

  My thighs quivered as I sucked in my bottom lip and pulled him toward the exit. The evening air was cooler than I expected, and when it hit my sweat, it made me shiver. Cal noticed and wrapped me in his arms, tucking me against his side as we waited for the valet to bring my car around.

  “So, spill. I’m dying here,” I said as soon as we were alone in my car.

  “Jules, that was insane. Apparently, Tabbie just fired her finance guy. She found out he was stealing from her,” he said, and I nodded my head. “Ron did too.”

  “That’s right,” I said as recognition dawned on me. “Bernard. He was stealing from a lot of people out here. It’s been a big deal.” I couldn’t believe that I hadn’t put two and two together. It had been all over the news for the last couple of weeks.

  “Right. So she was telling me about this and how she needs a financial advisor, but she doesn’t trust anyone in Hollywood right now since Bernard had come so highly recommended. She said she’d like to use someone ou
tside of Hollywood, not wrapped up in the business. I have a call set up with both her and Ron on Monday to finalize the paperwork, but I also have to follow up with twelve other people.” He sounded excited and dumbfounded. “Twelve, Jules.”

  “Cal, this could be huge for you. You could corner a market with this.”

  The wheels in my head were turning. If Cal got one celebrity, it wouldn’t be long before word of mouth got him more.

  He laughed. “Lucas is gonna flip.”

  “Poor Lucas.”

  “I’m surprised he didn’t make me bring him with me on this trip.”

  “Aw, you should bring him next time,” I said without thinking, and when Cal didn’t respond, I wished I could suck the words right back.

  It was so easy to forget that he wasn’t my boyfriend, or that what we had was still new and not set in stone the way I sometimes felt it was. Cal and I come a long way since we’d met in Boston, but we still hadn’t discussed what any of it meant.

  And for whatever reason, I was too nervous to be the one who brought it up.

  Last Day

  Jules

  My phone had been blowing up all morning, and as much as I wanted to continue ignoring it, I knew that I couldn’t. I looked over at Cal, who watched me through sleepy eyes, even though it was almost noon. We’d stayed up half the night, drunk on the possibilities about his potential new clients and our desire for each other, each one fueling the other.

  “I have to take this, I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize,” he said as he rubbed my back and dropped a kiss on my bare shoulder.

  I sat up on the bed and answered the call from one of my coworkers, who filled me in on the properties she’d been showing to one of my clients all weekend. They wanted to make an offer on one, and she asked if I wanted to jump in and handle the deal or if she should just take care of it. I glanced at Cal and handed the reins over to her, knowing that meant I’d have to split the commission.

  In that moment, I didn’t care about the money. My time with Cal was limited and I didn’t want to spend it working, even if it came at a financial loss. I would always make more.

  When I hung up, Cal pulled my body against his and spooned me.

  “Work stuff?” he asked, running his fingers through my hair.

  “Remember those clients I told you about? The ones who’ve been really hard to please?”

  “Yeah.”

  “They’re finally putting in an offer on a house.”

  “That’s great. Do you have to go? You know I don’t mind.” He continued stroking my hair as I turned to face him, our mouths mere inches apart as his hazel eyes looked at me with concern.

  “No. I handed them off to one of my co-agents for the weekend. She took them out last night and this morning. She’s going to handle everything.”

  The muscles in his chest tightened as he moved to sit up. “What do you mean?”

  I pushed myself up too, narrowing my eyes at him. “What do you mean, what do I mean? Which part has you confused?”

  “You’ve been working with these clients for weeks, Jules. I don’t want you to miss out or get screwed out of your commission just because I’m here.”

  “I’ll still get commission. And I made a choice. I wanted to spend this weekend with you. I work pretty much every weekend, all the time. I work late at night almost every day. I’m at my clients’ beck and call, basically.” I reached for his hand and squeezed it. “I don’t get to see you, ever. So if you’re coming into town for the weekend, then yes, I’m going to hand off my clients to a co-agent, and I’m going to be okay with that.”

  I had no idea what Cal was thinking, but it was obvious the wheels were spinning in his head. Work had always come first for me, but being with Cal had changed that. It wasn’t that he had replaced my career, but I definitely found myself wanting to make room for him, to share my time. There had to be a way to balance being successful with being in a relationship. Hell, people did it all the time, every single day. It was just that before meeting Cal, I’d never wanted that balance before, never sought out how to have it.

  But I did now.

  And I hadn’t expected him to be upset about it.

  “What’s the matter?” I asked, my voice shaky.

  “I hate the idea of you giving things up that you’ve worked so hard for, just because I’m here.”

  “I’m not giving anything up. You’re reading way too much into this.”

  Cal seemed upset, and I wanted to calm him down. I knew now exactly what he was doing and thinking. A guy like Cal would look at what I’d done and interpret it as my taking a step backward in my career instead of forward. He would never want to be responsible for something like that.

  “Please don’t read into this,” I practically begged him. “I know you are. It’s nowhere near as big of a deal as you’re making it out to be.”

  He stared at me, but his eyes looked right through me, suddenly making me feel invisible. He was questioning my decision making, and I could tell he felt guilty about it in some way.

  When he asked, “Do you want me to head to the airport now,” I freaked out.

  “Don’t you dare. We have to leave in a couple hours, as it is. Work can wait. I know that you and I don’t normally believe in that kind of thing, but this weekend, right now, I do. I believe that while you’re here with me, my work can wait.” I hoped I sounded as convincing as I felt. I needed him to see reason, to understand. “Do you understand that? It’s one client, Cal. Just one property. There will be others.”

  “Okay, Jules,” he said with a forced smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “If you say so.”

  But it was too late. Something had changed. I could see it in his eyes, could feel it in the air.

  He scrubbed at his face before lying down and staring up at the ceiling.

  Moving next to him, I pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “Did you want to go to Santa Monica? Maybe we could have lunch and walk around Third Street before you have to go.”

  “That sounds nice.” He nodded, his eyes slowly moving to meet mine.

  “Then you’d better get up,” I said before hopping up from the bed and making my way toward my walk-in closet to get dressed.

  “Should I pack my things? We aren’t coming back here before the airport, right?” he called out.

  I poked my head out from around the door. “Right. We won’t be back.”

  As I said the words, it made me sad to know that when I came back to my apartment later, I’d be alone, without Cal.

  • • •

  That little shift between us lingered as I drove toward Santa Monica. I hated how much I sensed it and wished I was wrong, but I knew that I wasn’t.

  Even with Cal’s hand firmly planted on my thigh where it belonged, his disappointment, or whatever it was that he felt, was still there, hanging between us like a foul odor I couldn’t swat away. A woman knew when a guy was off. We noted little things like facial expressions, tone of voice, and gestures, and I was no exception. I read into everything Cal said and everything he didn’t say.

  He did, however, hold my hand a little tighter than usual as we walked along the shop-lined street after eating.

  “Is it always like this?” he asked.

  I glanced around, unsure what he meant. “Like what?”

  “This many people?”

  I glanced around, trying to see it through his eyes. I was used to the crowd of people shopping and milling about on Third Street. I’d rarely seen it empty.

  “Pretty much, yeah.” It was one of the reasons why I had preferred living in Malibu. Santa Monica always seemed crowded, no matter the time of day or night, but Malibu wasn’t that way at all. “You like it or not?”

  “It’s interesting. I prefer where you live, though,” he said before kissing my cheek.

  I smiled at him. “Me too.”

  “I need to run in there,” Cal said, pointing toward a shop with souvenirs in the window.

&nb
sp; “Lucas?” I guessed.

  “Yep.” Cal shook his head. “He’s like a child. I can’t come back without a present for him, or I’ll never hear the end of it.”

  “I was kidding. But you know, you did see Ryson last night, and you didn’t get a picture of him for Lucas,” I reminded him.

  “I couldn’t take a picture of Ryson last night, but I really wanted to,” he admitted with a smirk.

  Cal searched the whole store for the perfect California gift for Lucas. He settled on a Santa Monica Pier snow globe that featured sand instead of snow, a key chain in the shape of California with Lucas’s name on it, and a mug for the office.

  “I think he’ll love them all,” I said.

  “He’d better.”

  Cal’s impending departure dampened the mood, both of us growing more silent as our remaining time ticked away. I didn’t want him to go, but knew that he had to.

  Knowing the reality of our situation didn’t lessen the hurt. I wished he could stay, even though I’d never admit it, especially not now. I didn’t want to do anything else that might push him away. We’d had such a great weekend up until that phone call this morning. It had been damned near perfect.

  The airport was close and traffic was light, meaning our time was ending even quicker than I’d anticipated. The dread in my chest grew heavier, weighing me down as I neared the exit for LAX. It seemed silly of me to feel this way, but I liked Cal, probably more than even I realized.

  As I pulled the car up to the curb at the departures, I schooled my features, not wanting my face to reflect my sadness.

  “Don’t be sad,” Cal said, telling me I’d done a shitty job of hiding it. He pulled my hand to his lips and pressed a kiss on top.

  “Wait,” I said before he opened the door. I pulled out my phone and opened the camera app. “It’s like tradition now,” I said.

  I smiled as he pressed his head against mine. When I’d taken a few pics, he reached for my chin, holding my face in place as he kissed me, his tongue gently sweeping inside my mouth.

  I’m going to miss those damn lips and that tongue, I thought as he pulled away and opened the door. I popped the trunk before following him outside.

  “I don’t want you to go,” I said, pouting as he pulled his duffel bag from the trunk.