Dylan stood up and stretched. She smiled at Parker. “That was fun, thank you.”
Parker smiled and scooted towards the edge of the couch. “It was fun. I haven't enjoyed myself like that in quite a while. We should do that more often.”
“Agreed,” Dylan said enthusiastically, and she went to help Parker off the couch. “Ready for bed?” she asked.
Parker nodded and tried to stifle a yawn. Dylan laughed. “Guess that answers that question.” She held onto Parker's arm and helped her to her feet. They hobbled over to the staircase, leaving the wheelchair where it was for the time being. On the third step, Parker misjudged her footing and began to fall. Dylan immediately grasped her around the waist and steadied her. “I got you, you're ok. I got you.” Dylan whispered against Parker's hair. Parker gasped. Not at almost falling again but at the feel of Dylan wrapped around her waist. Her heart beat increased tenfold, and she hoped Dylan couldn't feel it through her chest. Her stomach had a swirling feeling that she hadn't felt with another woman in forever. It terrified her. She placed her hands on Dylan's shoulders and regained her balance while giving herself room from the closeness of their embrace. “Thank you, I...I don't know what happened there.”
Parker's voice had a breathless quality to it that Dylan found intoxicating. She closed her eyes, took a deep breath and reigned in her emotions as best she could. This was neither the time or place. “You're welcome. That's what I'm here for right.” Dylan fell back on humor to lighten the mood. She often did that in her adult life when she was feeling nervous or uncomfortable. She looked Parker in the eye to convey that everything was ok and to try to alleviate the fear she clearly saw on her face. Parker reddened slightly and nodded at Dylan. Dylan had hoped for a verbal reply but felt better when she felt Parker's body relax in her grip. She slowly took her arms from around her waist while maintaining her grip on Parker's arm, steadying her. “Shall we try this again?”
Parker nodded again and they slowly made their way up the remaining stairs. Once Parker was tucked into bed, Dylan went across the hall to her own room and fell heavily against the door. She closed her eyes and remembered the feel of Parker in her arms. How soft her skin was, how her hair smelled like the beach on a summer day. She breathed deeply. “Jesus, get a hold of yourself already.” She whispered to herself. She wasn't stupid. She was fully aware of her burgeoning feelings for Parker and that they extended well beyond the nurse/patient spectrum. She wasn't sure how she felt about that. On an intellectual level, she had been taught since the beginning of her training to never get personally involved with a patient. Her heart didn't heed to those rules at all. Then there was Parker. The woman had been through a horrible trauma and witnessed her wife murdered. She was hurt and emotionally and mentally fragile. Parker was scared. That much was obvious. Dylan reprimanded herself for even feeling the way she did. She almost felt as though she were taking advantage of Parker in a weakened and vulnerable state. “Some nurse I am,” she berated herself and fell face-first onto the bed. She would just have to keep her feelings to herself and be professional and do her job. Yeah, good luck with that, she thought to herself as she felt her eyes close and succumbed to sleep.
Parker lay awake in her bed. After the incident on the stairs, she figured sleeping was out for the night. What the hell had happened anyway, she wondered? The butterflies in her stomach, the pounding of her heart, pulse racing, the reeling in her head like she had had too much to drink. She hadn't felt that way since she had first met Grace. But it couldn't be the same, could it? Could she possibly be developing feelings for Dylan? “No. No, that can't be right,” she said out loud. She felt like she was cheating on Grace just by thinking these things. She liked Dylan, of course, and she enjoyed spending time with her but only as a friend. That's all it could be—friendship. Parker was sure that she didn't have the capacity for more in her. She turned on her side, careful not to move her leg too much. She eyed her wedding picture. “Help me baby, please,” she whispered to Grace's image before turning out the bedside lamp and hoping that the silence would lull her to sleep.
***
Parker was walking down a long hallway. It seemed endless to her. Low-lighting along the floor board made it difficult for Parker to see what was in front of her. Every few feet, a door appeared on either side. Parker felt anxious and fearful. She didn't want to see what was behind the doors, but couldn't stop her hand from turning and grasping the knob of the first one. Inside, she was initially blinded by bright sunlight. It was a park on a beautiful sunny day. The grass was a lush green and the sky seemed an impossible blue. Parker looked in the distance and saw a figure. It was Dylan. She was dressed in khaki shorts and a polo shirt and she looked happy. She was running and laughing and being chased by a small girl who looked to be about three-years-old. They were both laughing. The toddler looked up and Parker saw blue eyes that matched Dylan's.
“Mama,” the baby squealed Dylan picked her up and swung the little girl around in a circle. Parker smiled at the scene. Dylan kissed the little girl and said, “Let's go see where Mommy went to, okay?.”
The little girl nodded enthusiastically and the two ran off together as the scene faded and the door closed. Parker felt the absence of warmth immediately and shivered. She felt herself being propelled further down the hall, passing doors on her left and right as she went. She came to one final door at the end of the hall and suddenly her escape route behind was blocked off. She had no choice but to enter the room. As she put her hand on the door knob, she heard three gunshots in rapid succession. She gasped and tried to back away as her back hit a solid surface and the door swung open on its own. Parker had her eyes squeezed shut, not willing to see what lie in front of her.
“Open your eyes darling, open them.”
Tears streamed down Parker's face as she heard the voice she thought she would never hear again. “Grace?” She opened her eyes and saw Grace standing in front of her. There was no blood and no noise, just her wife standing fully in front of her in a flowing pristine white dress that reached her ankles. “Oh, God.” Parker covered her mouth as she started to sob.
Grace smiled at her and tilted her head. “The time for that is passed now, Parker.”
Parker shook her head “It's not. I miss you so much. I have nothing without you.”
Grace looked at Parker sadly and nodded her head. “I know you miss me. I miss you too. But you have grieved for me for far too long now. You have everything ahead of you. You only need to open your eyes and see it. I need to go, and you, my love, need to let me. I will always love you and I will always be with you. Live.”
Parker took a trembling step forward as Grace disappeared into a fine mist. “I love you too,” she whispered as the scene disappeared and she opened her eyes.
Parker slowly opened her eyes to the sun streaming in her bedroom window. Her face and pillow were wet with her tears, but she felt in some ways that a weight had been lifted from her heart. She turned her head to look at the wedding picture. “I love you, but I can't,” she whispered and closed her eyes once more and allowed the tears to trail down her face to the pillow below.
CHAPTER SIX
Dylan hadn't slept well at all but knew she had to get up and get moving. Parker was going to need help getting up and she would kill for some coffee. Thinking about Parker brought the anxiety of what had happened the previous night back to the surface. She had noticed both desire and fear in Parker's eyes, and she didn't want to do anything to make Parker afraid again. She cared for Parker, admittedly more than she should but she had to remain professional. She couldn't let her personal feelings interfere with her work and Parker's healing. With that set in her mind, she got out of bed to begin her morning routine. She grabbed clothes for the day, and on her way to the guest shower she heard noises coming from Parker's room that sounded like crying. She was unsure what to do, but her need to make sure Parker was okay won out. She knocked lightly on the door.
“Park? Are—are you alri
ght? Are you in pain?” Dylan hesitantly asked through the door not wanting to invade her privacy.
Parker blew her nose and composed herself enough to answer. “I'm fine, it's nothing. I'll be ready in just a few minutes.”
Dylan began to say something else but stopped herself before she could. “Ok, well I'm going to grab a quick shower and then we'll get you ready and get some breakfast. Ok? Are you sure you're all right?”
“I'm fine yes. Breakfast sounds great. Take your time.” Parker responded, determined to not worry Dylan anymore than she already had. She heard Dylan hesitate on the other side of the door and then move to the bathroom. She breathed a sigh of relief and began to pull herself together. She pushed herself to the end of the bed and looked towards the master bath. It really wasn't all that far she thought. She hadn't been cleared to use a cane or crutches yet, but she was sure that she could hobble over there and be able to wash up herself. With a new found sense of determination she stood from the edge of the bed. She stayed still for a minute to make sure she had her balance. She took one small hop towards the bathroom and placed a hand on the dresser to steady herself. “There, that wasn't so bad!” Parker was oddly proud of herself and continued on her way to wash up. She had almost made it to the bathroom doorway when she noticed a sock laying on the floor below her. She noticed too late and before she knew what was happening she felt herself begin to fall. The pain she felt in her leg when she landed seemed to reach all the way to the top of her head and she let out a loud cry. She lay there sweating profusely and unable to move just praying that she would pass out so she wouldn't have to feel that pain any longer.
Dylan had just stepped out of the shower when she heard Parker cry out. “Parker?” Dylan initially panicked, but just as quickly went into professional nurse mode and threw on a robe and rushed to Parker's bedroom. She threw the bedroom door opened and winced as it slammed against the wall. She hoped it hadn't broken the plaster. She quickly forgot about any damage to the wall when she saw Parker lying on the floor in front of the bathroom writhing in pain.
“Parker! Are you ok? What happened?”
Parker looked up at Dylan with pain filled eyes. “I thought—I thought I could make it to the bathroom myself. Oh, God, it hurts so bad, Dylan.”
Dylan immediately got down on the floor next to Parker and took Parker into her arms. “I know. It's okay. Just try not to move too much.” She hugged Parker more to bring her comfort than to assess her medically. She prayed that Parker hadn't rebroken her leg or injured herself seriously in any other way. She visually looked over Parker's body and noticed a small pool of blood beneath her. She carefully lifted Parker's casted leg and noticed a small laceration just above the knee. It didn't look like it would require stitches, but Dylan didn't want to take any chances. “I think we should call an ambulance. I don't think you rebroke the leg, but you should have x-rays just in case.”
Parker immediately began to panic and try to squirm out of Dylan's hold. “NO! NO HOSPITAL!” Parker yelled, stunning Dylan momentarily. “I can't go back there! Please! Please, Dylan don't make me.”
The way that Parker looked at Dylan broke her heart and she knew that she would do anything for this woman. “Okay, okay, we won't call anyone. No hospital—for now. Just relax. I'll take care of you.”
Parker sighed in relief and fell back into Dylan's arms. They sit there for a while, Dylan rocked Parker and whispered soothing things until Parker calmed down as her pain started to ebb. Dylan kissed the top of Parker's head and felt her stiffen immediately. “I'm sorry, Parker. I didn't mean to do that.” Dylan berated herself internally and she felt Parker begin to move away.
“It's ok, Dylan. Really. Think you could help me get up?”
“Oh of course. Can you stand?” Dylan was glad that the subject had changed, and she stood and helped Parker to her feet. “Take it slow. If you feel any pain at all, tell me immediately,” Dylan warned.
Parker took a couple of deep breaths. “I'm good, maybe if you could just help me get downstairs and I could relax on the couch for a bit?” Parker forced a smile to set Dylan's anxieties at ease.
Dylan smiled back and helped her to the bed. “You wait here. I'll go get the wheelchair and put it at the bottom of the stairs for you. Parker nodded and Dylan hurried to complete her task. Once they got to the bottom of the stairs without any further complications, Dylan lowered Parker gently into the wheelchair and pushed her over to the couch. “Are you ok? Any pain.”
Parker smiled and shook her head. “I'm fine, Dylan. It's ok.”
Dylan looked at her like she wasn't entirely convinced that Parker was being truthful but decided to accept what she said anyway. “I'm going to get something to clean and bandage that cut on your leg. I'll be right back.”
Parker laid her head back on the couch and after a moment of hesitation Dylan went to get the medical supplies. Dylan stood in her bedroom and began going through the supplies she had brought with her to Parker's. She shook her head as she mindlessly pulled antiseptic ointment and some gauze and tape. She was angry at herself for allowing her feelings for Parker to override her better judgment as a nurse. And kissing her! Jesus! “What the fuck was I thinking?” she said aloud to no one. “Get your shit together, O’Malley.” She grabbed the supplies and still shaking her head made her way back downstairs to treat Parker's wound.
Parker stared at the ceiling blankly. She had so many thoughts running through her head that she felt like she was coming out of her skin. The dream, the fall, the pain, and finally being once again held in Dylan's arms. Feeling Dylan’s breath on the side of her face, her kiss on the top of her head. It scared Parker how easily she felt comforted by Dylan's touch. It terrified her how much she liked it. She didn't mean to pull away when Dylan's lips had kissed the top of her head. She knew that it was an act of comfort and that Dylan was worried about her. But with the dream and the pain, it was all just too much. She tried to make sense of the dream. Dylan in the park with the little girl, both looking so happy and beautiful. Grace's message. Grace disappearing. None of it really made sense and she tried to push the images unsuccessfully out of her cluttered brain. “It was just a stupid dream,” she whispered angrily to herself wiping an errant tear from her cheek. She heard Dylan coming back down the stairs and sat up a little straighter on the cushion and awaited her treatment.
After dressing Parker's wound, Dylan put all of her supplies away as Parker laid down on the couch to rest. The cut wasn't as deep as Dylan had initially thought and for that she was grateful. She wanted to talk to Parker about what had happened. Not only had she tried to do things for herself and got hurt she had refused to go to the hospital which Dylan truly did think was best.
Dylan looked at Parker resting on the couch and felt some of her frustration melt away. She tried to put herself in Parker's place and thought that maybe she understood. When you are an independent person, you pride yourself on being able to do things for yourself. When that ability is taken away, even temporarily, it feels like you have lost control of your entire life. Add that to having agoraphobia and still mourning the murder of your wife, which you witnessed on live TV, well, Dylan couldn't even imagine. To be honest, she wasn't sure she wanted to. Dylan smiled sadly and turned to leave Parker to rest when she heard Parker stir.
“I'm sorry, Dylan. I didn't mean to cause you more work and frustration.”
Dylan sighed and turned to face her. “It's not the work, Parker, that I'm worried about. It's you. You could have seriously hurt yourself, and I don't ever want to see you hurt.” Dylan felt breathless and she wasn't sure she should have said that out loud. But Parker needed to understand the seriousness of the situation and she didn't know how else to convey that. She figured she might as go all the way. “I, I care for you, Parker. More than just as a patient. I know you aren't ready for that, and I have no intention of pushing you, but you need to know.” Dylan felt like she may pass out. She sat heavily on the chair across from Parker and dared
not meet her eyes.
Parker stared at Dylan dumbfounded. She didn't know why she was surprised. She supposed she had known for a while that Dylan felt more for her than just someone she was taking care of, and if she was totally honest with herself, she knew she was beginning to feel the same way. But she was far from ready to be that honest with herself yet. She looked to where Dylan was sitting uncomfortably and longed to put her at ease. “Why did you leave the ER?” she asked, saying the first thing that came to her mind.
Dylan looked up, surprised at the question. “Well I haven't, at least not totally.” Dylan thought of her reasons for taking a break from her job. “When I first started there, I loved the excitement of it all. A different trauma rolling through the doors, saving a life, it was all so heady. I learned so much too that first year. Procedures that I would have only read about in a textbook had I been a floor nurse. I was able to watch and even take part in saving people. It felt—powerful in a way. Like I was a part of fighting death and winning. Then, slowly and sneakily, death came to collect.” Dylan stopped there and looked up at Parker who just nodded and encouraged her to continue. “All of a sudden, we weren't winning anymore. People would come in and never leave except in a coroner’s van. We told the grieving families the same thing every time. We did everything we could. It was beyond our capabilities. But it didn't feel right to me. Every loss, I took as a failure. I guess I never did build up an immunity to death. Not a great trait for a nurse. I started to feel like I was fighting a losing battle. The children. The children were the worst. These small fragile bodies that were bleeding and broken and then just—gone. I would hear the parents wailing grief long after I left the hospital from my shift. It kept me up at night. I started to lose sight of why I wanted to do this job in the first place. And then, I saw Sam after losing a nine-year-old child to a gunshot wound. It was all so incredibly senseless to me. Sam asked for my help, and I met you. And for a moment, the first moment in a very long time, things started to make sense again.” Dylan was surprised to feel tears in her eyes. She kept looking down at her shoes, afraid to make eye contact with Parker.
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