Parker looked thoughtfully at Dylan. She felt she understood Dylan’s feelings more than she could articulate. She closed her eyes trying to gather her thoughts. “I met Grace when we were in college.”
Dylan looked up surprised to hear Parker's voice. She held her breath, not wanting to make any noise to interrupt Parker's train of thought.
“We were both Communications majors. She sat in front of me in our Mass Media class and I thought she was the most beautiful creature I had ever laid eyes on. I was much too shy to actually talk to her, so mostly, I just stared.” Parker laughed at herself, lost in the memory. “I never in a million years thought she would ever notice someone like me.”
Dylan was stunned at Parker’s revelation. She thought Parker was absolutely gorgeous. It was amazing how people saw themselves sometimes compared to how others saw them. Dylan turned her attention back to Parker and her story.
“She did notice me, though. Fate or perhaps mere circumstance put us together for a class project. I had never been so happy, or so scared in my life.” Parker looked at Dylan then and she nodded her understanding. “The funny things was, when I actually got up the nerve to talk to her that first time, I felt like I had always known her. Grace had a way of making people feel comfortable and at ease around her. People flocked to her because of that, and I was no exception. She had no idea how beautiful and intelligent and funny she really was. She was just Grace. I think I fell in love with her that first day we spoke. In fact, I know I did.” Parker paused and seemed lost in her memories as the tears ran freely down her face. “We were inseparable all through college. Grace asked me to marry her on the morning of our graduation. We had gone to a small park by our dorm room for some quiet time with just the two of us before the madness and the parties of graduation. She got down on one knee. Can you believe it! She actually got down on one knee and took my hands in hers. She told me that I was the most beautiful woman she had ever seen and that she didn't want there ever to be a night where she didn't fall asleep next to me and a morning that she didn't wake up in my arms. I was crying so hard I couldn't even speak so I just laughed and nodded yes over and over again. Grace picked me up and swung me around and we just laughed and cried together and right then, right at that moment I had no doubt that life would go on forever—for the both of us. I think maybe, that was the happiest I have ever, or will ever be.”
Dylan had tears in her eyes and she didn't try to hide them from Parker.
Parker smiled knowingly at her and continued. “We had a small ceremony on a beach in Hawaii. I told you, Grace always loved the water.”
Dylan nodded remembering.
“There weren't many people there but all I saw was Grace. She was beautiful and she was mine and I had never been happier. We had both gotten jobs at a small local news station. Not in front of the cameras mind you. At that time, we were really nothing more than glorified over-educated gophers, but we were happy. After a few years, Grace had worked her way up to field work. She had always had an interest in investigative journalism. She wanted to report the hard news. She was often disappointed when they sent her to cover a local fair or a dog show. I advanced as well, and eventually wound up sitting in the anchor chair. Funny, I thought nothing was more important than that chair. Now, I know it meant less than nothing.” Parker's face started to change as she continued the story to its inevitable conclusion. “We bought a small house. I hadn't gotten my inheritance yet and money was tight, but we made it work. We actually had a real-life white picket fence. A white picket fence for fuck’s sake! We weren't ever supposed to be touched by some random act of violence.” Parker's entire body went rigid. She cringed as if she were in physical pain and Dylan ached to comfort her.
“She was my wife. I was supposed to take care of her. To protect her. Sometimes I still think, even all these years later, what if she's cold? What if she's scared now, wherever she is? Who's taking care of her now? I failed her. I wasn't there to protect her like I had promised. I wasn't there and she died. I can't help feeling that it's my fault somehow.” Parker held up her hand when Dylan tried to interrupt her. She needed to finish this. “I wasn't there to protect her and maybe that's why she haunted me everywhere I went. On every street corner, I saw her and the disappointment in her eyes. I wasn't there and she died. Who's taking care of her now?” Parker finally let go and broke down. She bent in half from her position on the couch.
Dylan would never forget the wails of pain that came from her friend. Dylan quickly left her seat and knelt in front of Parker and held her. She didn't know what to do or say to make it better for Parker. She thought that as horrible as it was, perhaps this was long overdue.
Parker pulled herself together somewhat and continued. “It’s funny that last time—the last time you see someone, speak to them, kiss them, love them. Of course, most of us never know it’s the last time until after it’s all over. That last time is just a fleeting moment, but after? The after lasts an eternity. That last morning with Grace, it was, well normal. If feels funny saying that now knowing what happened, but it was. We rushed to get ready and get out the door to work. Breakfast on the move, passing each other in the hallway as we got dressed and ready for the day. A typical, normal day. I wonder sometimes now if I really even looked at her that morning. Of course, I saw her, but did I really? Did I see her? Did I take even one moment to touch her face, feel her lips on mine? Take a strand of that beautiful hair between my fingers and appreciate how soft it was? Did I take even one single second to appreciate how beautiful she was? How very much I loved her. I wish I could tell you that I did. You have no idea how much I wish I could tell you that, but I didn’t. I mean, there would always be more time right? We always believe that there will be more time, until there isn’t anymore. I know I told her I loved her that morning in the parking lot of the station. I always did. She was headed out to location...” Parker choked back a sob.
“You don’t have to tell me anymore,” Dylan said, fighting her own tears and losing the battle.
Parker looked at her, a smile playing across her lips. “It’s ok, I want to. Maybe I need to.”
Dylan just nodded and let Parker continue.
“She, Grace, was on her way to location, I was headed upstairs to my office to prepare for that day’s show. So, yes, I did tell her I loved her that day and that’s a comfort I suppose. Sometimes it is anyway. But it was just so routine, so fucking normal. I think now that was perhaps the last normal moment of my life. Nothing, absolutely nothing has felt normal since. That feeling, that unfinished, unfulfilled feeling never leaves you. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.”
“Was that the last time you saw Grace?” Dylan hesitantly asked.
“No.” Parker had a sad lost look on her face. “That wasn't the last time.”
Dylan looked confused but stayed silent and listened. She had a feeling that no one, not even Sam had heard this entire story.
“I remember that the morgue was cold, and so incredibly still. My entire body was shaking so badly it was a miracle I was able to stay upright, never mind walk. The hallway they took me down seemed endless. Even now, I remember it seemed to just go on forever. The police officer who escorted me must have noticed how unstable I was and looped an arm around my waist. I was barely aware of her presence but leaned into her anyway. I kept repeating to myself, just get through one more step, one more step. Finally, we reached the end of the long sterile hall and I stood in front of a lone metal door. I didn't want to go through that door. I instinctively knew that nothing would ever feel or be the same once I did. The officer took her arm from my waist and opened the door for me. As much as I commanded my body to move, it refused. The officer held the door and looked at me. It's ok, she said. I almost laughed then. No, it wasn't ok. It would never be ok again. I walked through the door anyway. Even now, I don't know how I found the strength to do that. It's amazing what we are capable of when given no other choice. The room beyond was even colder than the hall
way had been. Two stainless steel tables, which were empty at the time, sat in front of nine square doors with gleaming silver latches on them. The air smelled like disinfectant and death. An older man stood to the right of the autopsy tables wearing a gleaming white lab coat. He smiled at me. I did not return his smile.” Parker looked up at Dylan then. “Everything, every single thing about that room and that man in his overly starched white coat seemed unreal to me. Does that even make sense?” Parker looked to Dylan almost pleadingly.
Dylan returned her stare unflinchingly thinking of all the times she herself had escorted loved ones to the morgue. Had to look a frantic mother in the eyes and tell her that her child hadn't made it. “Yes” she answered in a whisper. “Yes, it does.”
Parker merely nodded, lost as she was in that awful day. “I mean there I was standing in the middle of a morgue about to identify the body of my wife. My wife was dead. That just was not possible! That could not be a part of the ordered life I had planned out for myself. None of this was, and for a moment I almost refused to go any further. I couldn't take the looks of pity I was getting from the officer and the doctor. Let's just do this, I told them, trying to sound strong and business-like and feeling anything but. The doctor nodded and turned to the storage drawers. He walked directly to drawer number three. Why I remember that or why it should hold any significance I don't know, but it was number three and my mind won't let me forget that detail. The doctor opened the outside door, and in one efficient motion pulled the gun metal grey rolling drawer out. On it lay a figure completely covered in a crisp white sheet. My breath halted in my chest as I stared at the sheet and the room began to spin. The young officer was immediately by my side again asking if I needed to sit down. I just shook my head at her, unable to take a deep enough breath to speak my answer. I walked slowly to the opposite side of the gurney to where the doctor was standing. He looked at me across the body asking his silent question with only his eyes. I nodded and he took hold of each top corner of the sheet in his meaty hands and pulled it back.” Parker stopped and took a deep breath. Her hands held a slight tremor and her eyes shined with tears.
Dylan's heart broke for her. “You really don't have to continue,” she said reaching across and taking Parker's hand in hers.
Parker smiled and squeezed Dylan's hand. “It's okay,” she said again and was surprised to realize that she meant it. She hadn't told anyone about that day—not fully anyway. For whatever reason, Parker trusted the woman with the kind, sapphire eyes who sat across from her. “When I saw her,” Parker continued, still holding tight to Dylan's hand. “She looked just like she was sleeping. Almost, peaceful. I had a sudden urge to shake her—to scream, WAKE UP! To see her open her eyes again and believe that it had all been some horrible nightmare. But when I touched her, she was cold. So impossibly cold, and I knew that this was no dream. Grace was never going to wake up. I would never see those beautiful eyes again. So, I bent down, kissed her forehead and whispered in her ear so that neither the doctor or the young police officer could hear. I will always love you, and then I turned away and walked out of the room. I didn't think I would be able to bear seeing that damn sheet cover her face again or watch her be pushed back into that dark drawer.
Parker couldn't help the cries of pain that escaped her mouth. She felt like her entire body, her soul was breaking apart and she clung to Dylan like a drowning man clings to a life preserver. Dylan held her tight. When Parker began to calm, Dylan started talking to her, unsure of what she was going to say but knowing she had to say something. “Maybe,” Dylan began and cleared her throat so that she could be heard. “Maybe, Grace wasn't haunting you at all, sweetheart. Maybe she was trying to convey to you that she was okay, at peace, you know?” Parker stopped crying and Dylan knew she had her attention. “Grace sounds like she was a wonderful, giving woman. She would want you to be at peace as well. She couldn't blame you for what happened. No one could ever blame you for what happened to her. You need to let go of that guilt and remember the love that you both shared. Try not to remember the random act of violence that stole her from your life, but rather the random acts of kindness and love that brought her to you in the first place. It's okay to finally grieve, Parker. You suffered a devastating loss and you are entitled to feel sad and angry and cheated. It's not okay though, to sequester yourself from the world because of your misplaced guilt. You have love and happiness inside of you, and you have a purpose in this world. We all do. Maybe that's what Grace was trying to tell you. She was not disappointed or angry but full of hope that even though her time here had come to an end, yours hasn't . You have a purpose, Parker, and your life must go on. That doesn't mean you should forget Grace and the life and love that the two of you shared. You should always honor her memory. By shutting yourself away from the world you aren't honoring yourself, Grace or this life that you still have.”
Parker sat stunned into silent contemplation. She looked down at her feet, her tears flowing freely now as were Dylan's.
“Thank you for sharing that all with me,” Dylan said, her voice cracking. “I would give anything if you had never had to have gone through that.”
Parker looked up then at Dylan's face and saw compassion there, and something else. “Dylan, I—I think I need some time. Alone.”
Dylan let go of Parker and backed away, suddenly feeling insecure and unsure of herself. “Of course. Take all the time you need. If you need me just call.” With that Dylan left the room leaving Parker to her thoughts and her grief. She retreated to the front porch. She looked to the grey sky and sensed a storm coming, one to match the storm raging in her mind. “Stupid! You should have just kept your mouth shut and comforted her! Who are you to say those things to her?” Dylan continued to berate herself and she sat on the front step, letting the chill ride through her body. She hated doubting herself. Most of the time in her life, and definitely in her work, she was confident and strong. She had lost her confidence somewhere along the way working in the Emergency Room. She wasn't sure she ever had it since coming to work for Parker. She sighed deeply and took her phone out of her back pocket and dialed Sam's number. “Hey, Sam, umm, I think I screwed up.”
CHAPTER SEVEN
Sam laughed and asked for an explanation. Dylan recounted all that Parker had revealed and her reaction to it. Sam was quiet for a long time. So long in fact that Dylan wondered if she had hung up. She was just about to ask if Sam was still there when Sam spoke in a quiet voice.
“I can't believe she told you all over that,” Sam said.
Dylan mistook her words for anger. “I'm sorry, Sam. I shouldn't have said the things I did. I—”
Sam interrupted her. “No Dylan, you misunderstand. Parker has never opened up like that to anyone. Not ever. Not even to me. Parker has always been on the quiet side but since Grace's death, it's been different. I don't think she ever fully grieved until today. This is a break through, Dylan! I never thought this day would come.” Sam found herself crying, but they were happy tears. Thankful tears. Dylan was stunned at Sam's reaction and didn't know how to respond. She felt that way a lot lately it seemed. “Where is Parker now? Can I talk to her?” Sam asked excitement tinging her voice.
“She asked to be alone, so I came out to the porch to give her some time.”
Sam thought that sounded like Parker. “Don't worry, Dylan. What you did, what you said, was exactly what Parker needed to hear. She trusted you enough to open up to you. That's something. That's everything, actually. Give her the time she needs. She'll come to you when she's ready.”
Dylan agreed and told Sam that she would have Parker call her later and ended the call. About a half hour later, just when Dylan was getting too chilled to remain outside she heard Parker call for her. Dylan jumped up and rushed for the door, opening it too quickly and causing it to slam against the wall. She looked up at Parker sheepishly. “Sorry.”
Parker covered her mouth and she tried not to laugh and Dylan's clumsiness.
“Loo
k Parker, I'm sorry about what I said. I had no right to tell you those things. I just wanted—I needed.—”
Parker motioned toward Dylan and stopped her in mid-sentence by placing two fingers lightly over her lips. Dylan was enraptured and couldn't pull her gaze away from Parker's. Parker leaned in and placed the briefest of kiss upon the corner of Dylan's mouth. “Thank you,” she whispered and hobbled past a stunned Dylan. Dylan brought her hand to her lips and touched them briefly. She couldn't quite believe what just happened. She could still feel Parker's kiss and it made her lightheaded. “You're welcome,” she whispers and follows in Parker's footsteps.
Two weeks had gone by and Parker had finally graduated to a walking cast. She was thrilled with the return of some of her independence, but saddened that Dylan would leave soon. They had only grown closer since Parker opened up to Dylan. Parker knew that she was still holding herself at a distance from Dylan, and sometimes she couldn't really remember her reasoning for that. One of their favorite activities had become watching movies together, and Parker had grown to look forward to those nights more than anything else. She couldn't remember what her life was like before Dylan entered it. She wasn't sure she wanted to return to that life or lose Dylan in any capacity. She didn't know quite how to convey that.
Parker truly didn't know what to make of her growing feelings for Dylan or what they meant for her, for them—if anything. A part of her didn't believe she could ever love anyone other than Grace. Her marriage and love affair with Grace was no less than perfect in her eyes. She had given a lot of thought to what Dylan had told her, though. She did believe that Grace would want her to live and love again, even if it wasn't with her. But was that something she could let herself do? Could she love without guilt, without Grace? She just wasn't sure. She acknowledged her growing feelings for Dylan and knew that she was beginning to see her as more than a friend. She was fairly sure that Dylan felt the same way but also knew that the ball was directly in her court. She knew that Dylan would never force her to do anything she wasn't ready for or comfortable with. No, if a move were ever to be made, it would have to be Parker that made it. It was all so confusing to her. She never thought that she could have feelings for another woman again and part of her still believed that caring for Dylan was a betrayal to Grace. She knew logically that that wasn't true, but she couldn't quite convince her heart of that yet. Parker closed her eyes and pictured Grace in her mind. She saw her smile, her silken soft hair blowing in the breeze. She just couldn't understand it. None of it made sense. How could one day a person be living and breathing and laughing with their whole lives ahead of them and the very next day, it's all gone. How do you correlate that absence? That place of nothingness that once was occupied by a living breathing human being. She remembered that last morning with Grace as they were both preparing for work. She wished, as she had a million times, that she had just paid a little more attention that day. Parker had been so wrapped up in her own chores and life. She always thought there would be more time later. She never imagined that that day would find its end with her standing in front of Grace's cold lifeless body on a slab in the morgue. How could anyone think that would actually happen to them? Parker reported the news. She reported on death and violence and destruction every day and she did it with a smile. It never touched her life, her family—until it did. There is nothing in this life that can ever prepare a person for violence and death visiting their life—personally. Death does not discriminate, not for anyone. Parker learned that lesson the hard way and that was a part of what she feared with Dylan as well. She had already dealt with the death of one woman she loved. It nearly destroyed her inside and out. Was she willing to risk her heart again? Was she willing to love again knowing what it feels like to have that love ripped away? Parker honestly didn't know the answer to that question. At least, not yet. The bottom line was that she didn't think she was ready yet, and she didn't honestly know if she ever would be.
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