“Something’s not right,” I said.
And whatever was not right became even more wrong a couple of days later when Danny “the Doctor” Bardozzi, best known for chopping up four members of the Gambone family and passing them off as ground ostrich meat at an East Village restaurant which went out of business soon after Danny was indicted, was found dead.
I know what you’re thinking, but we didn’t do it. We didn’t even know who did it, just like we didn’t know who’d clipped Johnny and Vinny. We were knee-deep in bodies by now, and we had no idea who was stacking them up.
“And the way the Doctor was killed,” Joey told me as we walked along Mott Street, “is really strange.”
“You mean compared to the normal way Vinny was killed, with four bullets pumped into his chest and not a scratch on the bulletproof vest he was wearing at the time? Or the normal way Johnny Gambone was found floating in the river while I was watching him eat linguine and bitch about his indigestion?” Okay, I was feeling irritable and got a little sarcastic.
Joey said, “Listen, Danny showed up at Bernini’s Wine and Guns Shop in a panic, armed with two Glocks and a lifetime supply of ammo, and locked himself in the cellar. There’s no way in or out of the cellar except through the one door he’d locked, and—because Danny was acting so crazy—there were a dozen Berninis standing right by that door trying to convince him to come out.”
“And?”
“Next thing they know, they hear a few shots go off. So they break down the door and run downstairs. Danny’s alone. And dead.” Joey grimaced. “Shotgun. Made a real mess.”
“But you said he had two Glocks.”
“That’s right. And, no, there wasn’t shotgun down there. Not before Danny locked himself in… and not when the Berninis found him there.”
“Then it wasn’t a shotgun. He blew his own head off with a Glock.”
“No. His guns hadn’t even been fired, and there was buckshot everywhere. Just no shotgun.”
“In a locked cellar with no windows and no other door? That’s impossible.”
“Like it was impossible for you to be eating dinner with a guy whose two-day-old corpse was floating in the Hudson River at the time?”
“We’re in trouble,” I said. “We’ve got something going on here that’s bigger than another war with the Berninis.”
“That’s what they think, too.”
“What? You mean they ain’t blaming us for Danny’s death?”
“How could they? I just told you what happened. They know we’re not invisible, and neither are our guns. In fact, they knew something strange was happening even before we did, because they knew they didn’t kill Johnny Gambone.”
“We’ve got to have a sit-down with the Berninis.”
“I’ve called one for tonight. At St. Ignazio’s. I gotta have dinner at my mother’s in Brooklyn first, but I’ll be there.”
St. Ignazio’s was dark and shadowy, lit only by candles. The whole place smelled of incense and lingering perfume—the Widow Butera’s perfume, I realized, as I saw her kneeling before a statue of St. Paula, patron saint of widows.
Father Michael and two guys from the Bernini family were waiting for me in an alcove on the other side of the church.
“Is Joey here yet?” I asked the Widow Butera.
“What do I care? What do I care about any of you fiends?” She rose to her feet and came toward me. “I hate you all! Every single one of you! I spit on you! I spit on your mothers’ graves!”
“So you haven’t seen him?”
She shook her fist at me. “Stay away from me!”
“Hey, I’m not the one trying to make you a widow for the fourth time. So don’t yell at me, sister. And…” I frowned as wispy white things started escaping from the fist she shook at me. “Are those feathers? Whatever happened to praying with rosary beads?”
She made a really nasty Sicilian gesture and stomped toward the main door in a huff just as Joey entered the church. The poor guy’s face brightened like he’d just met a famous stripper.
He asked her, “Have you thought any more about my proposal? I mean, take all the time you need. I just—”
“Get out of my way!” she shrieked. “Don’t ever come near me again! Don’t even look at me!”
“Maybe we’ll talk later?” Joey said to her back.
She paused to look over her shoulder at him. “Amazing,” she said in a different tone of voice. Then she left.
“You’re late,” I said to Joey.
“Sorry. Couldn’t be helped.”
“Gentlemen,” said Father Michael, smelling strongly of sacramental wine as he came close to us, “the Berninis are eager to begin this summit, so if you—”
“Summit?” I repeated.
“Sit-down,” said Joey.
“Oh.”
“So if you’ll just take your seats…”
“You’re fucking late,” said Carmine Bernini. He was Danny “the Doctor” Bardozzi’s cousin by marriage, and also the world’s biggest asshole.
“But we haven’t been waiting too long,” added Tony Randazzo. He was a good-looking kid who’d been a soldier in the Bernini family for a few years. A stand-up guy, actually and I’d let him date my daughter if I didn’t think I’d probably have to kill him one day.
“Would anyone care for some chips and dip?” Father Michael asked. “Maybe some cocktails?”
“We ain’t here to fucking socialize,” said Carmine.
“Don’t curse in church,” said Joey.
“Well, please fucking excuse me.”
Like I said—the world’s biggest asshole. “Never mind the refreshments, Father,” I said. “This’ll just take a few minutes.” I looked at Carmine. “Let’s lay our cards on the table.”
So we did. And what these guys told me about Danny Bardozzi’s death got my full attention.
“He said what?”
Tony said, “Danny came into the shop that day and said he’d just seen his perfect double, his spitting image.”
“His doppelganger?” said Father Michael.
“Yeah, his doppelgangster,” said Carmine. “He was fucking freaking out. In a cold sweat, shaking like a virgin in a whorehouse, babbling like a snitch with the feds. Scared out of his mind.”
“Because he’d seen this doppelgangster?” I said.
“Yeah. He said it meant he was gonna die.”
“He was right,” I said. “But how did he know?”
“Perhaps,” said Father Michael, “he knew that, traditionally, seeing your doppelganger portends your own death.”
“No shit?” said Carmine.
“No sh—um, yes, really,” said Father Michael.
“But we got more than people pretending their deaths here, Father,” I said.
“No, portending,” the priest said. “Seeing your doppelganger is, in popular folklore, a sure sign that you’re going to die.”
“Weird shit,” said Carmine.
“Even weirder,” I said, “Danny ain’t the only one around here who’s seen a doppelgangster.” I told them about Skinny Vinny telling Connie he’d seen his own perfect double the day before he died.
“Johnny Gambone did, too!” said Father Michael, swaying a little. “My God! I didn’t realize…” He wiped his brow. “Just a few days before his body was found, Johnny told me after Mass that he’d seen a man who looked very much like himself, dressed the same, even bearing the same tattoo—but nowhere near as handsome.”
“He always was a vain son of a bitch,” said Carmine.
“So he saw his double, too, then,” I said. “All three of these guys died after seeing their doubles.”
“And died in such strange ways,” Tony added.
“Yes,” said Father Michael. “Almost as if meeting the doppelganger doesn’t just presage death, it actually curses the victim, making him utterly defenseless against death when it comes for him.”
“So once you see this fucking thing, that’s it?” said
Carmine. “You’re as good as whacked?”
“That would explain how bullets somehow got past or around Vinny’s vest,” I said.
“And how someone walked past all of us without being seen,” said Tony, “and got through a locked door to kill Danny.”
“So we’re dealing with what?” I said. “Witchcraft? Some kind of curse? The evil eye?”
“It’s some weird fucking shit,” said Carmine.
Father Michael fumbled behind the skirts of the shrine of the Virgin and pulled out a bottle of wine. He uncorked it, gulped some down, and then said, “Black magic. What else could it be?”
“Fucking creepy.”
“And whoever is doing it is damn good,” I said. “I had dinner with Johnny Gambone’s doppelgangster and didn’t even know it wasn’t the real guy.”
“But no one has seen Vinny, Johnny, and Danny since they were found dead, right?” said Father Michael. “I mean, no one has seen their doubles since then?”
I hadn’t even thought about that. “No,” I said. “That’s right. The last time I saw Johnny’s double—the last time anyone saw it, as far as I know—was before his body was found.”
“So…” Father Michael took another swig. “So whoever is doing this sends a doppelgangst—doppelganger after the victim to curse him with inevitable death. And then, after the victim is dead, the perfect double continues carrying on the victim’s normal life until the death is discovered.”
“And then what?”
“Then it…” Father Michael shrugged. “It probably disintegrates into whatever elemental ingredients it was originally fashioned from.”
“So if you hid the fucking body well enough, it would be years before anyone even knew you’d made the hit. Hey, this black magic is some fucking great stuff! if I could learn to do it—”
“Whoever has learned to do it,” I said, “is out to kill all of us. Get it? We’ve got to stop him before we’re all dead!”
“Vito’s right,” said Joey. “We’re all in danger.”
My cell phone suddenly rang, making us all jump a little. (Hey, if you thought someone was about to kill you that way, wouldn’t you be a little jumpy, too?) I pulled the phone out of my pocket. “Hello?”
“Vito?” said Joey at the other end. “I’m coming from my mother’s, and I’m still in Brooklyn. Stuck in traffic. You’d better start the sit-down without me. I’ll get there as soon as I can.”
My blood ran cold as I stared at the Joey sitting here with me, absently stroking his chin the way the real one often did. Choosing my words carefully, I said to the Joey on the phone, “Seen anything strange lately?”
“Huh?”
“Anyone familiar?”
“Well… my mother, obviously.”
“No one else?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Okay, good,” I said with relief. I like Joey. I’d miss him if he wasthe next one to die. “Listen to me very carefully. Stay right where you are. Call me back in an hour.”
“But, Vito—”
“Just do it!” I hung up.
“Who was that?” asked Joey.
I jumped him, took him to the floor, and started banging his head against the stone. “Vito!” he screamed. “Vito! Stop! What are you doing? Ow!”
“Vito!” cried Father Michael. “Stop!”
“Fucking maniac,” said Carmine.
“Thought you’d get Joey Mannino, did you?” I shouted at the doppelgangster. “Well, think again, you bastard!”
“This is one of them?” the priest shrieked.
“Yes!” I kept banging its head against the floor. “And it’s gonna tell me who’s behind these hits!”
Its eyes rolled back into its head, it convulsed a few times, and then its head shattered like dry plaster.
“Whoa!” said Tony.
I looked down at the mess. Nothing but crumbled dust, lumps of dirt, and feathers where the things head had been. Then its body started disintegrating, too.
“I think you whacked it, Vito,” said Tony.
Father Michael poured the whole rest of the bottle of wine down his throat before he spoke. “Well… I guess this means that Joey is safe now?”
“Not for long,” I said. “Whoever did this will make another one the moment he knows this one has been—wait a minute!”
“Vito? What is it?” said Tony.
“Maybe it’s not a he,” I said.
“Huh?”
“Think about it! Who would hit the Berninis and the Gambones? Who hates both families that much? Who wants all of us dead?”
“You saying the fucking feds are behind this?”
“No, you asshole! I’m saying the one person who hates both families equally is behind this!” I grabbed a handful of the crap that had been Joey’s doppelgangster a minute ago and waved it at these guys. “Feathers!”
“Vito, this is a very serious accusation,” said Father Michael, slurring his words a little. “Are you absolutely sure?”
“Huh?” said Tony.
“Just fucking follow him,” said Carmine as I ran for the same exit that the Widow Butera had taken.
I kicked in the door of her apartment without knocking. I’d figured out her scam by now, so I expected the feathers, the blood sacrifices, the candles, the chanting, and the photos of Bernini and Gambone family members.
I just didn’t expect to see my own perfect double rising out of her magic fire like a genie coming out of a lantern. I pulled out my piece and fired at it.
“Noooo!”screamed the Widow Butera. She leaped at me, knocked my gun aside, and started clawing at my face.
“Kill it! Kill it!” I shouted at the others.
Carmine said, “I always wanted to do this to you, Vito,” and started pumping bullets into my doppelgangster while I fought the Widow. Father Michael ran around the room praying loudly and drenching things in holy water. Tony took a baseball bat—don’t ask me where he got it—and started destroying everything in sight: the amulets and charms hanging everywhere, the jars of powders and potions stacked on shelves, the cages containing live chickens, and the bottles of blood. My perfect double shattered into a million pieces in the hail of Carmine’s bullets, and the pieces fell smoldering into the fire. Then Tony kicked at the fire until it was scattered all over the living room and started dying.
“It’s a fucking shame about the carpet,” Carmine said as chickens escaped the shattered cages and started running all over the room.
“… blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb… ,” Father Michael was chanting.
“What else can I break? What else can I break?” Tony shouted.
“I’ll kill you all!” the Widow screamed. “You’re all dead!”
“Too late, sister, we’re onto you now. You’ve whacked your last wise guy,” I said as she struggled in my grip.
“Three husbands I lost in your damned wars!” she screamed. “I toldthem to get out of organized crime and into something secure, like accounting or the restaurant business, but would they listen? Noooo!”
“Secure? The fucking restaurant business? Are you kidding me?”
“The Berninis and Gambones ruined my life!” the Widow Butera shrieked. “I will have vengeance on you all!”
“Repent! Repent!” Father Michael cried. Then he doused her with a whole bottle of holy water.
“Eeeeeeeeeee!”She screamed something awful… and then started smoking like she was on fire.
I’m not dumb. I let go of her and backed away.
The room filled with smoke, and the Widow’s screams got louder, until they echoed so hard they made my teeth hurt… then faded. There was a dark scorch mark on the floor where she’d been standing.
“Where’d she go?” I said.
“She’ll never get her fucking security deposit back now,” said Carmine, looking at the floor.
Tony added, “No amount of buffing will get that out.”
“What the hell
happened?” I said, looking around the room. The Widow had vanished.
Father Michael fell to his knees and crossed himself. “I don’t think she was completely human. At least, not anymore. She had become Satan’s minion.”
“Huh. I wondered how she kept her good looks for so fucking long.”
“That’s it?” I asked Father Michael. “She’s just… gone?”
He nodded. “In hell, where she belongs.” After a moment he added, “Mind you, that’s only a theory.”
“Either way,” I said, “I’m kinda relieved. I know we couldn’t just let her go. Not after she’d hit three guys and tried to hit me and Joey, too. But I really didn’t want to whack a broad.”
“What a fucking pussy you are, Vito.”
“Carmine, you asshole,” I said, “the sit-down was successful. We found out who’s behind these hits, we put a stop to it, and there ain’t gonna be no new war. So now get outta my sight before I forget my manners and whack you just for the hell of it.”
“Did I mention how much fun it was pumping a whole clip into your fucking doppelgangster?”
My cell phone rang, making Father Michael jump.
“Damn.” I knew who it was even before I answered it. “Hello?”
“Vito,” said Joey, “I’ve been sitting here in my car, not going anywhere, just like you said, for a whole hour. Now, do you want to tell me what the hell is going on?”
I looked at the scorched spot the Widow had left in the floor and tried to think of the best way to break the news to him. “So, Joey… would you still want to marry the Widow Butera if you knew she’d been trying to whack you and everyone you know?”
Mixed Marriages Can Be Murder
Will Graham
Will Graham is the pseudonym of a private investigator in Texas, This is his first short-story sale.
I looked at my cigarette as the flame caught, while the coffee finished brewing. It was an old trick, but still a fun one, and I liked being able to do it after all these years. Another beautiful day. Leaning against the counter in the kitchen, I glanced out the tinted window to see the city before me. Critics be damned, San Francisco had a magic all its own. We’d been here for many years, and it still struck me that some cities can truly hold you in their spell. The faint streaks of predawn were appearing. I fought a yawn.
Murder by magic: twenty tales of crime and the supernatural Page 5