Between Heaven and Earth

by Michele Paige Holmes

  Well, good then. At least he’d done one thing right this weekend. “I understand how you feel. That first day the boys and I played soccer and then went to ice cream with you and Noah, I realized what I’d been doing— or not doing. What had been missing, aside from Jenna, from our lives. Having any sort of fun without her had seemed wrong, and so we weren’t. We were living life, but we weren’t living.” He managed to catch Cassie’s gaze and hold it for a second, long enough to see that she knew exactly what he was getting at.

  “I’m not saying you’re as bad as me,” Matt continued, “because you’re not. You’re a great mom, and Noah’s had a good life so far. But you’re holding back from living fully. You know it now. Noah’s going to know it soon if he doesn’t already. Think about what is best for him— a better apartment, being able to have friends over and go to their houses, a mom who makes decisions based not on his dad in a coma, but on the two of you.”

  “Devon’s not in a coma.”

  “Right. Sorry.” Matt held his breath, worried he’d way overstepped his bounds and said too much.

  Instead of yelling at him, Cassie’s shoulders drooped, and her hands dropped to her sides. “I feel so guilty already. Every second of every day, especially lately.”

  “Then I’ll back off,” Matt promised, hating that he had to but caring enough for her that he would. “This isn’t about me,” he reiterated. “It’s about you, about putting Noah’s needs and your needs first, still caring for Devon but living life for those who are able to live it best right now— you and Noah.”

  Cassie gave a slight nod of acknowledgement, though she wouldn’t look up at him.

  “Obviously I don’t know your husband,” Matt said, “but from everything you’ve told me, Devon is a great guy. I have to believe he’d give you the same advice. He’d want you and Noah to be as happy as you can. That’s what people who love each other do. They put the happiness of those they love above their own needs.” What I should have done.

  Jenna, for as much as he’d loved her— and he really had— hadn’t experienced a whole lot of that phenomenon. Not for the first time, Matt wondered if he’d been more attentive or concerned if they might have realized something was wrong with her. Maybe Jenna had suspected something and not told him. Perhaps she’d been having headaches. He didn’t know and never would because he hadn’t been home enough to notice. Basketball season had meant weeks on the road, away from his wife and children who ought to have mattered the most.

  They did now, and while it was too late for him to make things right with Jenna, Matt vowed again, for at least the hundredth time, that he’d be a good dad, that he would get his junk together and get fatherhood right. Now he added a new item to his list of self-improvements: Be a good friend, a true friend. It was time to put Cassie’s needs above his own.

  “How about a compromise,” he suggested.

  She finally looked at him, and he felt relieved to see only curiosity in her gaze.

  “Let’s leave first thing tomorrow,” Matt said. “We’ll skip the movie and brunch. I’ll drive you home but keep Noah with me once we get there. He can hang out with the boys and me. You can go visit Devon and stay as long as you’d like.”

  “I don’t know—”

  “It’s that or we all leave together today,” Matt said. “I’m not even sure where we could rent a car on a holiday weekend, and even if we could, I’m not sending you off to drive nine hours yourself. You want me to go round up the boys and get them ready?”

  “No.” Cassie sighed. “You know that whole five minute warning thing I do with Noah when it’s time to go home?”

  “Yeah.” Matt had noted and made use of that parenting tip. It worked, eliminating some of the boys’ meltdowns, or at least the ones they were prone to in public.

  “I do it because he doesn’t deal well with sudden change. If I were to tell him we’re leaving this morning when he’s expecting to spend another day and a half here, you can imagine the reaction I’d get.”

  Matt could, though he’d yet to see that kind of behavior from Noah, probably because Cassie was purposeful in her parenting.

  “Can we leave at six tomorrow morning?” she asked.

  “Earlier if you’d like,” he said, hopeful that he’d persuaded her to stay out the day. “You’re the boss.”

  “Your family won’t be upset that you’re leaving early?”

  “Nah.” Matt waved a hand dismissively. “They’re sick of me already. It’s Austin and Asher they really like to see, and I already let my mom talk me into coming back for Christmas.” Yesterday, when he’d had reason to hope that Cassie and Noah might accompany them again. “She can’t complain too much.” If anything, his mom would be on board with this plan to get Cassie home to see her husband, but he wasn’t about to mention that.

  “What about you? You won’t mind leaving a half day early and missing the ending of the trilogy?”

  Matt felt relieved at the hint of teasing in her voice. “After so many years, we all have the thing memorized. Let’s see— third film. Luke and company help Han escape Jabba’s hut.”

  “I think he’s actually called Jabba the Hutt,” Cassie corrected.

  “Whatever.” They started walking toward the house again. “Nothing much happens in that movie anyway. Luke confronts Vader. The emperor gets toasted. Leia frees Han, and he wakes up after being frozen in Kryptonite.”

  Cassie laughed. “Now you’re really mixing up your movies.”

  “They all live happily ever after. That’s all that matters.” Matt thought of the scene when Han awoke and Leia was there to kiss him. He had a sudden vision of Cassie, her arms around Devon in much the same way, supporting him, there for him when he awoke from his long slumber. It could happen.

  If he was any kind of friend, he’d wish and pray it did. Cassie wasn’t his to want. This time the reminder sank in. Not because of his parents’ warnings, but because he knew his attempts to get closer to Cassie only hurt her. He had to back off. He would, but for now, another day here with her felt like an incredible gift.

  “Tomorrow morning then,” she said, agreeing far easier than he’d believed she would. “I really have enjoyed myself. Your family is fun, and Oregon is beautiful. It’s the first time I’ve been anywhere in forever.”

  “I hope it isn’t the last trip you take in forever.” Matt tried not to think of how much he would love to travel other places with her. For starters, he’d been hoping the five of them could explore California next summer. There were a lot of places he wanted to take the boys— and boys now included Noah— and of course, he always imagined Cassie seated beside him on their adventures. But then his thoughts had been getting ahead of him.

  “Not forever,” Cassie promised but didn’t say more than that.

  Matt didn’t push her. They continued down the shoreline, his hands back in his pockets, restricted, like he was, from reaching toward Cassie more than he already had.

  Cassie sat cross-legged on the end of Devon’s bed, facing him. “I’m pretty sure Noah had the best time of his life. You should have seen him on the beach and on the boat, picking up crabs, searching the tide pools for starfish…” She pictured Matt running up and down the beach with Noah, teaching him to fly a kite. Matt, kneeling in front of Noah, helping him to put on gloves so he could throw the crab back. Matt, just this morning, carrying a sleeping Noah out to the truck. Each memory tugged at her heart and strengthened the depth of her growing feelings.

  “The thing is, Devon—” Cassie picked at a fuzz on his blanket. “I had a great time, too.” The euphoric feelings she’d experienced when standing alone with Matt in the dark foyer while he put his letterman jacket around her, resurfaced easily, as did the desire she’d felt when making caramel corn with him in the kitchen and sitting beside him during the movie. Though the time she’d cherish most from this weekend was Thanksgiving night when they’d sat on the sea wall talking, and Matt had put his arm around her, not in a particularl
y romantic sort of way, but as an I’m-here-for-you gesture. It would be so easy to get used to the comfort he offered. She was getting used to it already, given that she was here with Devon but thinking about Matt.

  “I’m not being fair to you, Dev,” she admitted. “I’ve been spending all this time with Matt, and I like it. I like him. I’m lonely— and human, but I want to be with you. I want our lives to be great. I want your arms around me again.” She ran her finger over the back of Devon’s hand, motionless on the blanket.

  “So—” She breathed in deeply, then exhaled as a promise left her lips. “I’m going to stop spending time with Matt. I’m going to put everything I have into us again. I’ll write another letter, try again to get you in a clinical trial. We’re going to figure this out, Devon, and get you home.”

  How many times had she said as much to him before? Always she’d meant it, and she wanted to mean it now as well, but the same faith and hope that had carried her through the past six years seemed to be wavering. I believe in miracles, she told herself as she bid Devon goodbye and headed to her mom’s. This whole thing with Matt was just a test. Once she passed it, Devon would wake up, and their life together would start again.

  “You just wouldn’t have believed it, Cassie. The shows at night, the endless buffets of food, miles of sandy beaches, water so blue.” Cassie’s mom spread her arms wide, as if that somehow encompassed all that was marvelous about her cruise.

  “So it was a good Thanksgiving?” Cassie took an apple from the basket on the counter and bit into it. As soon as they’d arrived back in town, she’d gone directly to see Devon, and now her stomach was protesting the absence of dinner.

  “The best Thanksgiving,” her mom exclaimed. She filled two glasses with water and handed one to Cassie. “I may just have to cruise every year. Tell me, how was your holiday?”

  Near perfect. “Not quite as exciting as yours,” Cassie said. “No dolphins or coral for us, though the sea lions and crabs were pretty impressive. I think Noah would have stayed in Oregon forever.”

  “I’m so glad you both went,” Mom said. “I was worried when I left, though I suppose I needn’t have been. I should have known Matt wouldn’t leave you to spend the holiday alone. He cares about you, you know.”

  “I know.” Cassie took another bite of apple. There was no point in disputing the fact any longer, nor could she deny that she cared about him as well, but what she’d come over here to get her mom to understand was that she and Matt couldn’t keep seeing each other in any capacity.

  “Matt is a great guy, and if circumstances were different…” Cassie couldn’t believe she’d just said that. The only circumstance that would allow her and Matt to be together would be Devon’s death, and she did not want that.

  “If they were different,” her mom prodded.

  “Then I might be interested in pursuing a relationship with him,” Cassie admitted, “but I’m not free to do that, so spending time with him isn’t a good idea.”

  “It’s been more than a good idea,” Mom said. “You two have been wonderful for each other and your boys.”

  Cassie couldn’t argue with that. “It can’t continue, or wonderful might turn to terrible. I can’t trust myself around him. Being near Matt is too tempting.” She bit into the apple again, considering, as she hadn’t before, Eve’s choice. Stay in the garden with Adam or be exiled to Earth but have children and experience joy, sorrow, and eventual death. Not exactly a clear-cut decision. Staying in the garden would have certainly been the simpler of the two, but not the most rewarding. Somehow Eve had known that and taken the risk.

  Mom sighed heavily, then shook her head and muttered, “Still not ready.”

  “What?”

  “Never mind.” Mom waved a hand in dismissal. “So what now?” she asked. “You and Matt are just going to part ways and that’s that?”

  Cassie shrugged. “I’m still figuring it out. I have our boys to consider. Noah needs Matt, and I can’t abandon Austin and Asher.”

  “Well, I’m glad of that at least.” Mom pulled up a stool and sat beside Cassie at the counter. “How was Devon tonight?” she asked, surprising Cassie with the abrupt change of subject.

  “Fine. The same,” she amended. Devon hadn’t been fine for a long time.

  “Have you ever thought—” Mom paused, reached out, and took Cassie’s hand between her older, softer ones. “Have you ever thought that maybe it’s time to forgive him— and yourself?”

  “Forgive him?” Cassie’s brow furrowed. “What could I possibly be mad at Devon for? Getting shot? That’s ridiculous.”

  Her mom nodded slowly. “It would be, but that’s not what I was referring to. However, forgiving yourself and realizing it isn’t your fault he’s in that hospital bed would be a good start.”

  “You aren’t making any sense,” Cassie said, more worried than defensive. Had something happened to her mom on the cruise? Maybe she’d spent too much time in the sun, or maybe she had tried some of the activities intended for people much younger.

  Mom leaned close to Cassie, as if there was someone else in the room who shouldn’t hear what she was about to say. “You need to forgive Devon for not wanting to try other ways to have a child, for feeling that pursuing help from a fertility specialist wasn’t what he wanted to do.”

  “I— I have.” The sudden hurt her mom’s words roused took Cassie off guard, a reminder of how Devon had broken her heart with that decision and how they’d been at odds with each other over it. “We had Noah. We can have other children, too. So how Devon felt about getting help to get pregnant doesn’t really matter anymore.”

  “Doesn’t it?” Mom asked. “It mattered the day he was shot. I know because Devon came to see me on his lunch hour. He didn’t know what to do. He knew your desire to have children was eating you up inside, but he felt like it was going to devour your marriage and the only chance of saving it was to let that dream go altogether.”

  And follow other dreams. Suddenly some of his actions in the weeks before he’d been shot made more sense. “Why didn’t you ever tell me he came to see you?” Cassie set the half-eaten apple on the counter, her appetite gone.

  “It didn’t matter until now,” her mom said.

  “It doesn’t matter now,” Cassie insisted. “We were angry with each other, but we would have gotten over it.” She gave a half-laugh. “I was already pregnant then and just didn’t know.”

  “Yes. You got Noah but lost Devon.” Mom summarized the thought that had plagued Cassie all these years. “You were angry at Devon, you wanted a child…”

  I got my wish. She’d wished and prayed and pled for a baby, promising God any number of things if he would answer her prayer, but she’d never intended to lose her husband. She hadn’t promised him away, had she? She’d wanted Devon to change his mind, to feel the same as she did, but she hadn’t wanted him to not feel anything anymore.

  Cassie pulled away from her mom and wrapped her arms around her middle, as if to hold back the painful, conflicted emotion let loose.

  “Forgive him,” her mom urged.

  “I did. I do,” Cassie insisted. “I never meant for him to get hurt.” He’d offered to take that extra shift. She hadn’t insisted on it. But you were angry, an inner voice accused. You’d fought about money just the night before. “I didn’t want to lose Devon in order to have a baby. That wasn’t what I wanted. You believe me, right?”

  “Of course I do.” Mom placed a hand on Cassie’s arm. “This didn’t happen because of anything you did or didn’t do. You didn’t hurt Devon. At least not at first.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” Cassie asked, pulling away.

  “It means that you might be hurting him now, keeping him here when he doesn’t want to be here any longer.”

  “You sound like—”

  “Like who, dear?” her mom asked.

  “Never mind.” Cassie didn’t want to think about Pearl or what she’d said right now.


  “Let me ask you this,” Mom said. “If the tables were turned and you were the one lying in that hospital bed, what would you want?”

  “To be with my family, of course,” Cassie said.

  “If you couldn’t? If your body was broken enough that it could never be restored to who you were? Would you want to stay as you are, as Devon is now?”

  Cassie’s shoulders slumped forward, and she closed her eyes. “No.” She wondered how they’d gone from talking about her staying away from Matt to this.

  “If you truly forgive Devon and love him as much as I think you do, then you’ll give him the choice,” Mom said.

  “There is no choice,” Cassie said. “What am I supposed to do or say? ‘Devon, if you’d like your feeding tube today, stare straight ahead without looking at anything. If you don’t want it in, do the same thing.’”

  Mom leaned back on her stool, disappointment written clearly in the wrinkles on her forehead and her downturned lips. “I’m not talking about anything with his feeding tube. I’m talking about an honest conversation, during which you forgive him— and yourself— and tell Devon that you will let him go, if that’s what he wants.”

  It was so close to what Pearl had told her that Cassie felt tears building behind her eyes again, but this time she wasn’t angry. Her mother had spoken out of love and nothing else. There was no ulterior motive.

  “I don’t know if I can,” Cassie admitted. “And now, with my feelings for Matt— It doesn’t seem right to tell Devon anything other than I want him to be well and come home.”

  “Then tell him that,” her mother urged, “and in that same sentence, tell him it’s all right if he doesn’t come home. Tell him that you love him and always will, no matter what.”

  “I do love him.” Cassie wiped at her eye before a tear could escape from the corner. “I’m just really afraid.”