Evidence of Love

by John Bloom

  In retrospect, she would see that it was inevitable. Sex or no sex, she and Allan had both come to look forward to their daily conversations, their shared confidences, their joint dependence. Lately they had started exchanging funny little greeting cards, and whenever Candy had to drive into Richardson on an errand, she would stop at Allan’s office and place gifts under his windshield wiper. Sometimes Allan would go out to check his car even when he was staying in for lunch, just to see if he had any brownies or homemade candy waiting for him. Once he found a small ceramic statue of a boy and girl kissing. The inscription on the base read, “Practice Makes Perfect.” They had started the affair for reasons of mutual need: they were both starved for affection. But as time went on they seemed less like lovers and more like best friends. During one rendezvous, they had decided to forego sex altogether because they wanted to spend lunchtime talking. She could even talk to Allan about Pat; he was that understanding.

  By February she was beginning to feel more than a little anxious about the relationship. Even though it was only two and a half months old, she started worrying that it was turning serious all of a sudden. One day at a lunch she tentatively broached the subject with Allan.

  “I think I’m getting in too deep,” she said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want to fall in love with you. We’re getting too serious, and I know this is a temporary thing. I don’t want to have to deal with myself later if we go too far.”

  “How do you know this is getting too serious?” replied Allan.

  “I think of you too much.”

  “But I thought you’re the one who said you’ve got to plow into life and see what happens.”

  “That’s right, I did say that.”

  “Well?”

  “I guess I’m caught in my own trap.”

  “It won’t get too serious if we don’t let it get too serious. I think the relationship is temporary, too, but we’ve got to let it run its course.”

  “Well, if you’re not worried about it, I guess that makes it half all right.”

  The next week Jackie Ponder returned to Lucas for a few days, her first visit since leaving the church. Ron Adams wasn’t too pleased about her visit. It was a direct violation of accepted protocol: once a minister leaves a church, he or she is expected to sever all ties and stay away, so that the new minister can form a bond with the congregation unhampered by feelings for the departed pastor. Everyone else was thrilled, though, especially Candy, who spent much of her time with Jackie pouring out every detail of her affair with Allan. She didn’t mention Allan’s name—she didn’t think Jackie was ready for that—but she did go over all the details of the past two months, including the Como Motel, the token gifts and cards, the sexual excitement. Jackie had a strange premonition about the affair, quite apart from what Candy was telling her.

  “Candy, you told me you weren’t going to get emotionally involved with this man,” said Jackie.

  “Yes.”

  “But you are, aren’t you? Something’s upsetting you.”

  “No, everything’s fine.”

  Her denial notwithstanding, Candy decided after Jackie’s visit that she really did need to distance herself from Allan emotionally. So the next week, when he made one of his usual phone calls, she expressed even stronger doubts.

  “Allan, I don’t know if I can handle the way I’m feeling about you.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I’m still afraid of falling in love, and I know I can’t do that. It would be too hard on Pat, and I love him. And I don’t want to lose your friendship either. I just don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

  “Why are you talking about hurt when there’s no hurt in sight? How can you say how this will turn out?”

  “I just have a bad feeling about it.”

  “This is not like you, Candy. If you back out now, how are you going to know what you’ve missed? We’re only getting started.”

  “You sound like me.”

  Eventually Candy allowed herself to be talked into it a second time, mostly because she didn’t like the thought of not talking to Allan, and she was afraid they wouldn’t be able to continue their friendship without sex. It helped that she and Pat were planning a long vacation to visit her parents in Georgia; that would give her most of April to sort things out and discover how she really felt about Allan.

  Allan, on the other hand, doubted that he was capable of falling in love with Candy, at least not in the way she was talking about. He also knew that, for the time being, he needed her. They had something special, something that was renewed each time they caught each other’s eye during a church service, or touched hands over a table at lunch, or did something as simple as waste time on the phone. Allan felt better about himself. He didn’t want this affair to get out of hand, of course, but so far he was surprised at how little it changed the rest of his life. If anything it made everything else easier. Even going to church was easy, and at first he hadn’t expected to be able to do that. He still liked Pat. He didn’t think he was doing anything to hurt him. There was no change in his relationship with Betty. Who knew where this affair would end up or how long it would last, but in the meantime he was enjoying it and he couldn’t see anything very bad resulting from it. When Candy left for Georgia, Allan missed her and wondered briefly whether her feelings would change while she was away, but he also felt a sense of relief. He hadn’t realized, until they took a few weeks off, how much work an affair could be.

  Allan needn’t have worried about Candy changing her mind. When she returned from vacation, it was obvious that she had missed him as much as he missed her. They made a date for the Como, but after the lunch and the sex, they spent most of their time “catching up” on each other’s lives. One thing they talked about was Betty’s pregnancy. Betty was seven months along, and Allan was starting to feel a little apprehensive. Betty would need lots of attention as the day drew closer, because of her problems with the first baby. And it had crossed Allan’s mind that if Betty started having labor pains and he happened to be at the Como that day, he would never be able to forgive himself. So in early June he told Candy he thought they should discontinue the affair for a while, so that he could be available for Betty at all times. Candy agreed completely. Allan loved that about Candy; she did understand things like that. She was so different from Betty in that respect. When Allan told Candy something, she would accept it and wouldn’t show any negative feelings toward him because of it. Betty would have disagreed and whined, especially when it threatened something she wanted. Sometimes Allan wondered to himsef what it would be like to be married to Candy. She was always interesting, a good cook, a good mother. But then he thought, no, that was out of the question. He knew he’d never divorce Betty, no matter what. He believed that marriage was permanent.

  Allan couldn’t have realized, and Candy didn’t tell him, that she was more than willing to suspend the affair for a while, and it represented no great sacrifice on her part. The last visit to the Como had confirmed her earlier fears: the sex was not that great. They spent so much time talking that the physical part was all but obligatory. She would never say no, but Candy was also tired of getting up early on the days they sinned together so she could make beef chow mein, cream puffs, and ham-and-cheese casserole. Allan had come to expect notes and cookies and things left on his car, too. The whole thing was becoming a hassle. Allan was like a toy that seems the most wonderful thing in the world when a kid sees it under the Christmas tree, but after a few weeks becomes a routine part of his life. Not that she didn’t like Allan, even love him. Not that she didn’t need his companionship. She just missed the magic of those first few weeks.

  Sometimes Candy would even admit to herself that she felt guilty about Pat. Poor Pat. He was totally oblivious to everything. She was certain he had no suspicions about her and Allan, even when they cut up at choir practice or exchanged glances during the worship service. Nevertheless, sometimes it was hard to
be around Pat, simply because he did trust her so much, and it didn’t make it any easier when Pat would tell her how much he liked Allan.

  Candy’s powers of deception were put to the ultimate test in mid-June when she threw a special sit-down Chinese dinner for the five couples in the choir as well as Jackie Ponder, visiting again with Chuck. The real purpose of the dinner was a surprise baby shower for Betty Gore. It was Candy’s idea. She thought it would be fun. It didn’t occur to her that it would be awkward, since she had never really felt uncomfortable around Betty even when she was sleeping with Allan every other week. Someone fixed a special cake, everyone brought gifts, and Candy turned out to be right: nobody felt uncomfortable, not even Betty. She virtually beamed with pleasure—one of the few times, in fact, that she seemed completely untroubled and at peace with herself. She was almost “one of the girls.”

  A week later Barbara Green called Candy to say that the arrangements for the “regular” shower conducted by all the women of the church had fallen through, and she wondered if the Montgomery house could be used again. So Candy hosted a second shower for Betty, just two weeks before the baby was due. Betty was so touched by all the attention that she insisted on going to church the following Sunday, despite her condition, and there were more surprises waiting there. One was the presence of Jackie Ponder, back on a Sunday for the first time. Betty was so carried away that she ran up to Jackie in the crowded sanctuary, threw her arms around her, and started crying.

  “We miss you so much,” she sobbed.

  Jackie was startled, but assumed Betty was high-strung due to the pregnancy. Jackie also considered going by to see the Gores, just to make sure everything was all right, but then thought better of it because Ron was already mad enough that she was visiting at all.

  That same Sunday, Judy Swain made a point of seeking out Betty after the services. Judy was a new member of the church, having joined three months before with her husband, and she had been disappointed that she was unable to attend Betty’s shower. So that Saturday she had gone out of her way to shop for a present, eventually buying a pink baby jumpsuit. Judy apologized for missing the shower, handed Betty the gift, and waited while she opened it. Betty held the jumpsuit up to the light, as though trying to figure out what it was.

  “Oh,” she said, in a distracted, vacant voice. She put the suit back in the box without ever looking back at Judy. And then she walked off.

  Judy was crushed. The same woman who an hour before had collapsed into Jackie’s arms, brimming over with uncontrolled emotion, now suddenly seemed cold and, in Judy Swain’s opinion, snobbish. Judy regretted buying the gift at all.

  The incident might never have happened had Allan been at Betty’s side. Allan understood Betty, and he could cover for her lack of social grace by his own warmth and courtesy. Allan didn’t blame Betty as others did, though. He knew that Betty wasn’t the most well-liked woman at church, yet he credited a lot of that feeling to her shyness and insecurity. She couldn’t act normal around anyone except Allan, because everything the slightest bit unfamiliar threatened her. It seemed a paradox that, on the one hand, Betty would strive to be the perfect woman—raising two kids, teaching school, keeping house, accepting a foster child—and, on the other, be peculiarly antisocial. But Allan understood that both traits were part of the same single-mindedness. Betty was such a proud woman that she had no time for distractions; making the most of her life was her one great devotion.

  Bethany Gore was born in early July, and Betty seemed to perk up for a while. As babies often do, Bethany brought Allan and Betty closer together, especially during the week just after she was born, before they told anyone in the church about her.

  The feeling didn’t last long, though. Now that there was no pressing reason for Allan to be “on call” all the time, there was really no reason for him to put off the affair any longer. But when he and Candy renewed their lovemaking at the Como in late July, it seemed different, lackluster. The sex was still good, Allan thought, but Candy was more reserved than usual; a couple of times she even griped at him, about little things that didn’t matter, and that wasn’t like her at all. There was something else, too: for the first time, Allan was starting to feel guilty. He thought of Betty, back at the house, taking care of Alisa and Bethany by herself, and he didn’t feel very good about himself. That week after the baby had been born was something special. He wondered if there was a way to get it back. He hoped he wasn’t making that impossible by continuing to see Candy.

  Allan was grateful when Betty finally felt well enough to travel, because that meant they could take off a week to show the baby to her anxious Kansas grandparents. He wanted a reason to be away from Candy for a few days, but he wasn’t prepared to tell her that. Before leaving, they agreed to meet at the Como on the following Friday, since she knew she could get a sitter that day.

  The Gores didn’t arrive home from their Kansas trip until late one Thursday night, and ordinarily Allan would have simply taken off work the next day as well. But he remembered that the special date with Candy was set for that Friday, and he knew she really wanted to see him. If he didn’t go to work and she ended up at the Como by herself, the fallout would be disastrous. But when Allan told Betty he intended to go to work on Friday, she objected, arguing that he should stay home and help her with errands. She not only was insistent that he stay home; she was more than a little suspicious about why he just had to go to work. So Allan decided the only solution was to somehow get word to Candy that he couldn’t make it. First he cooked up an excuse to call her—something to do with church—and then he phoned from the kitchen while Betty was in the master bedroom at the back of the house. Without actually saying the words, he got the message across that he couldn’t make it. Candy grew angry when she realized what he was telling her, because now she and Pat were leaving for a week-long vacation and that meant she wouldn’t see him for another two weeks. Allan didn’t want to hang up while she was still mad, so he had to stay on the phone for a few minutes, hoping she would calm down. When he hung up, feeling sheepish and depressed, he walked back to the master bedroom.

  “Gee, that sure was a long conversation,” said Betty.

  Candy and Pat spent the next week in Wichita Falls, fulfilling their long-ago promise to visit Jackie Ponder at her new campus home. Pat had a great time, wandering around the campus and looking the city over. Candy and Jackie had a few private sessions together, but when Jackie asked about the affair, Candy was reluctant to talk about it. One thing was clear, though, at least to Jackie. Candy was really going through some pain. Something was wrong, and it had to be something important because Jackie couldn’t even get her to discuss it. Candy and Pat decided to stay on campus through Jackie’s Sunday sermon. Pat had brought along his recorder so they could tape the sermon and take it back to Lucas. They both agreed it was a great sermon. It was about Love.

  Candy liked the sermon so much that the following Friday she took the tape to the Como Motel so that Allan could hear it. After their usual picnic lunch, she turned on the tape recorder, and they reminisced about Jackie while it was playing. After hearing her talk about love, they made love. It was late when Allan got back to the office.

  That night Betty wanted to make love. In one sense that wasn’t so odd. The Gores hadn’t had sex since the baby was born, at first because Betty didn’t feel up to it, later because they were simply out of the habit. Allan had become so desultory about making love to his wife that sometimes they were having sex no more than once a month. But the odd thing about this night was that Betty was so aggressive. It wasn’t like her. Allan couldn’t remember it ever having happened before, in all the years they were married. But Allan didn’t think he could do it. He had been with Candy a long time that afternoon, and he was not used to that much exertion in one day. He was out of practice. He was spent. He had no interest in her. He was so surprised by Betty’s sexual advance, though, that he didn’t even bother to explain. He simply said he didn’t feel l
ike it.

  Betty began to cry. She felt embarrassed and humiliated and deeply hurt. It would have been different if she were in the habit of making regular advances, but to have the very first one rebuffed was too much for her. She jumped to a lot of conclusions. Allan didn’t love her anymore. He hated her because she was fat after having the baby. Allan tried to reassure her, but nothing seemed to work. She had been rejected, and she couldn’t stand it. She was afraid she wasn’t desirable anymore.

  On Monday morning Allan phoned Candy. “I need to talk. When can I meet you and where?”

  They arranged to meet for lunch, and Allan poured out the whole story of that Friday night.

  “Betty was very upset,” he said. “She kept saying, ‘You don’t love me anymore, you don’t love me anymore.’”

  “You did reassure her, didn’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  Candy began to cry. “I think that’s a little unfair of Betty, to say things like that after you can’t perform one time.”

  “It upset me, too. It was just that she made the first move.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “I think, maybe we should end it.”

  “Now you’re being grossly unfair.”

  “I’m afraid of hurting Betty. I think maybe the affair is affecting my marriage now, and if I want to get my life back in order, I have to stop running between two women.”