Gruesome Playground Injuries; Animals Out of Paper; Bengal Tiger at the Baghdad Zoo

by Rajiv Joseph

  SURESH: Hit it. Come on, now. Fist bump.

  She awkwardly fist bumps him.

  SURESH: That’s what I’m talking about.

  It’s like our hearts bumping.

  Heart bump.

  Ba-dump, ba-dump.

  He wanders around her apartment, looking at her models.

  He picks up a rabbit origami piece from a shelf.

  ILANA: So . . . Andy said you have like a senior project.

  SURESH: Who’s Andy?

  ILANA: Fro Dog.

  SURESH: Fro Dizzle.

  ILANA: He said you might want to, you know, study origami. I guess. Although I really don’t know what you’d want to do here.

  SURESH: This place is crazy.

  ILANA: Yeah. It’s crazy.

  SURESH: What is this, a rabbit?

  ILANA: Yeah.

  SURESH: It don’t look like a rabbit.

  ILANA: Well, it’s a rabbit.

  SURESH: It looks like a dog.

  ILANA: It’s a rabbit, okay?

  SURESH: I could fold a better rabbit than this one.

  ILANA: Then do it.

  Suresh’s phone rings. He checks it and then silences it.

  SURESH: All I’m saying is that if you gonna be designing a mesh heart to get pumped into someone’s chest, you better work on your rabbits first.

  ILANA: Thanks for the advice.

  SURESH: Do you really think this rabbit is good?

  ILANA: No, okay? That rabbit is not good. It’s flawed. It lacks a rabbit essence. But we’re not going to fold brilliant pieces of origami every time we sit down. We mess around with a model, we play with it, we test crease patterns, and after a few tries, if we’re lucky, we come out with a model that satisfies our aesthetic standards. Okay? So, yeah, that rabbit sucks. So what? It’s a sketching.

  SURESH: Yeah, a sketching of a dog.

  ILANA: (frustrated) It’s not a dog, it’s a rabbit!

  Suresh looks at her, and then goes back to studying the rabbit.

  ILANA: You don’t do sketchings, do you?

  SURESH: Huh?

  ILANA: You don’t have to try and “figure out” a model. You just do it, isn’t that right? You just see something and know how to fold it.

  SURESH: I dunno.

  ILANA: Look, I saw your models.

  SURESH: The ones Fro Dog brought over?

  ILANA: Yeah. These.

  Suresh shrugs.

  SURESH: They’re not that good.

  ILANA: Yes, they are. You’re very good.

  Will you fold something right now?

  SURESH: I don’t feel like it.

  ILANA: Why are you even here?

  SURESH: Fro Dog.

  ILANA: Fro Dog what?

  SURESH: He told me to come. He was really excited and everything, I guess that, you know . . .

  You’re like his hero or something.

  He told me to come.

  Fro Dog’s my boy, you know? So I come.

  ILANA: What are you talking about?

  SURESH: Fro Dog said your dog ran off.

  ILANA: He told you that?

  SURESH: Yeah, he was talking about it. He seemed real concerned about you and everything. Because of your divorce and that your dog ran off and you’re living in this place and not answering your phone and all that.

  ILANA: Okay, that’s enough.

  Everyone knows a little too much about me these days.

  SURESH: You check the pound? For the dog?

  ILANA: Yes I checked the pound! I checked every pound every day for a month. Of course I checked the stupid pound.

  SURESH: So where’d he go?

  ILANA: I don’t know.

  SURESH: Usually you gotta keep a dog tied up.

  ILANA: Oh my God . . . Look, my dog was twelve years old. He had three legs, no teeth, and no ears either. Wherever he ran off to, he’s not alive anymore. Some animals, I guess they want to die alone.

  SURESH: How come he didn’t have any ears?

  ILANA: His previous owner cut them off with hedge clippers.

  SURESH: Why?

  ILANA: I don’t know, because his previous owner was an abusive piece of shit. He’s going to rot in hell. You traumatize a dog, you rot in hell. Simple as that.

  SURESH: What about a cat?

  ILANA: Fuck cats. Look, are you going to fold something or not? Because if you don’t want to be here, then just leave.

  SURESH: You miss him?

  ILANA: My dog?

  SURESH: Yeah.

  ILANA: What do you think?

  SURESH: I guess you must miss him.

  ILANA: I do.

  SURESH: Fro Dog said you got a divorce because the dog ran off.

  ILANA: Fro Dog talks too much.

  SURESH: Word.

  ILANA: Why do you talk like that?

  SURESH: Talk like what?

  ILANA: The way you speak. It’s incongruous.

  SURESH: I talk the way I talk.

  ILANA: But you talk the way you talk for a reason.

  SURESH: Why do you talk like that?

  ILANA: I’m just asking.

  SURESH: You think I should sound Indian or something?

  ILANA: Not at all.

  SURESH: Then how should I sound then?

  ILANA: Any way you like.

  SURESH: Okay, then, so this is how I like.

  ILANA: Why don’t you just cool it with the attitude?

  SURESH: Why don’t you just suck my dick?

  ILANA: Excuse me?!

  SURESH: Talking about, why you talk black like that? Racist.

  ILANA: Fuck you.

  SURESH: I don’t have to talk any way I don’t want to talk, bitch.

  ILANA: Did you just call me a bitch?

  SURESH: Yeah, bitch, I called you a bitch.

  ILANA: Get the fuck out of my studio!

  SURESH: Fine!

  ILANA: Leave!

  Suresh’s phone starts ringing.

  SURESH: You gotta relax.

  Phone still rings.

  ILANA: Just get out of here.

  Phone rings. Suresh looks at it.

  SURESH: I gotta take this.

  ILANA: Take it outside! I’m serious . . .

  He answers it. Everything about his voice and manner changes. He turns away from Ilana, not wanting her to see or hear this.

  SURESH: Hi dad.

  What’s wro . . . ? Where’s Rahel?

  Dad, just . . .

  (beat) Go into the freezer. There’s some chicken in a Ziploc. Just take it out and put it in the sink.

  (beat) I’m taking care of it, okay?

  (beat) I know you’re hungry. I know.

  In the freezer.

  The sink.

  No nothing’s going to happen, it’s going to defrost.

  I’m coming home now. We’ll eat. Okay?

  Okay. Bye dad.

  He hangs up.

  SURESH: I gotta go.

  They look at each other.

  SURESH: I’m sorry I told you to suck my dick. That shit is disrespectful.

  Ilana doesn’t know what to say to him.

  SURESH: I’m out.

  He starts to leave.

  ILANA: You cook?

  SURESH: Huh?

  ILANA: You’re cooking dinner tonight?

  SURESH: I cook dinner every night.

  How many times you gonna have to sketch out that mesh heart before it’s ready?

  ILANA: As many times as it takes.

  SURESH: What if it doesn’t work?

  ILANA: I don’t know. I hope it does.

  SURESH: Yeah.

  What’s the medium anyway, some sort of synthetic fiber?

  ILANA: Something like that.

  SURESH: Shit. That’s tough.

  Pleats are gonna drive you crazy on this.

  ILANA: Yeah. They are.

  SURESH: You know what I learned the other day about pleats? You know how the only way to get rid of a pleat is?

  IL
ANA: You have to collide it with another pleat.

  Suresh holds out his fist. Ilana awkwardly fist bumps him.

  SURESH: Word. Shit is wack.

  Scene 3.

  Lights shift. The doorbell rings. Ilana buzzes the buzzer.

  Moments later Andy enters.

  ANDY: Hey!

  ILANA: Hey.

  ANDY: Hey! Thanks for letting me come over again.

  What a flake I am! I’ve never forgotten that thing in my entire life. I’m kind of lost without it. How’s it going? How did it go with Suresh? He seemed pretty excited about you.

  ILANA: He did?

  ANDY: Oh yeah! He’s really excited to do his senior project here and everything. Your apprentice! The sorcerer’s apprentice!

  ILANA: He called me a bitch.

  ANDY: He what?

  ILANA: He told me to suck his dick.

  ANDY: What?

  ILANA: Other than that, nice kid. Quality kid.

  ANDY: I am so sorry. I had no idea! Oh Suresh!

  ILANA: He came all the way over here, and he wouldn’t fold anything. He doesn’t even like folding. He said he came over here as a favor for you.

  ANDY: He said that? A favor for me? He was so excited in class today! He said you were amazing and everything!

  ILANA: He’s a real piece of work.

  ANDY: (remembers something in his bag) Oh, and he wanted me to give you this!

  Andy takes out a small origami rabbit.

  ANDY: It’s a rabbit! He folded it for you!

  Ilana takes it and looks at it.

  ILANA: I hate this kid.

  ANDY: No! He’s a great kid! Trust me! He wanted me to tell you to unfold it.

  He said there’s a message inside.

  ILANA: Yeah, I bet there is, the little brat.

  But she starts to unfold the model carefully.

  ANDY: So . . . um . . . my book?

  ILANA: It’s right there.

  Andy sees his book and takes it.

  ANDY: Great! I guess I was so excited to get that hawk. Great hawk, by the way. It’s in the den! I have a little room, I call it the den. It’s where I fold.

  Ilana un folds the rabbit. Suresh has written a note on the paper. She reads it.

  ANDY: What’s it say?

  Ilana reads it carefully again.

  ILANA: I don’t know. It’s like a poem or something. A poem in a rabbit.

  ANDY: See? Great kid.

  ILANA: What is it with you guys?

  I’ve got Suresh writing me poems and I’ve got you writing about my book and my scaled koi and the stupid dress I wore at the convention last summer.

  ANDY: What?

  ILANA: Your blessings. Your counted blessings.

  ANDY: Your dress? I didn’t read you that one. That one about your dress.

  Ilana looks at Andy.

  ILANA: Right . . .

  ANDY: Did you read this?

  ILANA: Your book? Well, I . . . I mean . . .

  ANDY: You read my book?!

  ILANA: You left it here!

  ANDY: You read this!?

  You don’t just read somebody’s book!

  ILANA: I read it, Andy, but can you just listen to me . . .

  ANDY: It’s private! It’s a very private thing!

  ILANA: You took it out. You read to me from it.

  ANDY: Select entries!

  ILANA: It was just sitting there, and I picked it up and I, you know, I started flipping through it . . .

  ANDY: You might have gotten the idea that these things might be slightly personal. You might have stopped reading.

  I mean, there’s other stuff in here . . .

  ILANA: I shouldn’t have read it. Andy, I shouldn’t have read it, I’m sorry. But I started and I couldn’t put it down.

  Andy paces around and then stops.

  ANDY: Look, for a long time, Ilana . . . I’ve really . . .

  I took your class on the scaled koi last summer at the convention and you were wearing this green dress. This green summer dress. And that’s why I couldn’t fold the koi. I was just watching you fold and talk and walk around and . . .

  I really like you. I mean, I have a really big crush on you.

  ILANA: I know, it was in the book.

  ANDY: Oh man!

  ILANA: Andy, listen . . .

  ANDY: People have two sides, okay? They have their inside and their outside, and I don’t really need for everyone to be reading my book! Nobody’s ever read this before.

  ILANA: People have more than two sides.

  ANDY: Some people. But not me. There’s this. And then there’s this.

  ILANA: But this . . . this is . . .

  ANDY: What?

  ILANA: It’s amazing, Andy.

  ANDY: No it’s not.

  ILANA: It is. It’s just so . . . Weird . . .

  ANDY: Yeah, great.

  ILANA: But it was, I mean, I have to tell you . . . it was creepy seeing myself in there. It felt invasive.

  ANDY: Well I’m sorry! I didn’t mean for you to read it!

  ILANA: But it was more than that. There’s so much in there and I’ve been trying to figure it out. I mean, it’s like a catalog of everything that’s ever happened to you . . . even your wisdom teeth, even mosquito bites, even your . . . your . . . wisdom teeth!

  ANDY: How much of this did you read?

  ILANA: I read all of it.

  ANDY: Oh jeez!

  I have to go.

  He turns to go.

  ILANA: Don’t go . . .

  ANDY: Now you know everything I might have told you, anything I might ever have told you . . . you know it all now, so it’s been nice knowing you. Thank you. Good-bye.

  ILANA: (a little desperate) Please don’t go . . .

  He stops and looks at her.

  ILANA: Don’t leave. Just stay for a second?

  I mean . . . You come barging in here and you take my hawk and you leave your blessings and, you know, it would be great if you just didn’t leave for a second. Could you just not leave for a second?

  Andy turns as if he might stay a little bit longer.

  An awkward silence.

  ANDY: I had seven wisdom teeth.

  My X-rays are in textbooks for oral surgeons.

  So I’m kind of famous.

  ILANA: Yeah. Yeah, I know, I read it.

  ANDY: Right.

  Awkward silence.

  ANDY: What was Suresh’s poem about?

  ILANA: It was about my dog.

  ANDY: Oh, that’s nice. That’s a nice thing for a poem.

  ILANA: You need to tell me something. I read your book. I read it twice, Andy. There’s something you need to tell me.

  ANDY: Okay . . .

  ILANA: You always write . . . as one of your “blessings” . . . you always write, “I’ve never been hurt.”

  ANDY: So?

  ILANA: You write it about twenty-five times or more throughout the book. “I’ve never been hurt. Not really.”

  ANDY: I haven’t.

  ILANA: And then, you know, this book is just filled with . . .

  It’s filled with pain, all these really awful and tough things that have happened to you.

  I mean, your parents.

  Your sister. The time you tried stand-up comedy.

  ANDY: I really wish you hadn’t read this.

  ILANA: So can you just tell me how you can be thankful for these things?

  ANDY: I don’t know.

  ILANA: I mean, what is a blessing anyhow? Anything? Can it be anything?

  ANDY: I don’t know what they are, they’re my feelings. I think about them and I write them down. It’s just what I do. And I have been hurt once. I hurt my elbow.

  ILANA: Pain isn’t a blessing. Unless you’re totally crazy, it’s not something you sit around being thankful for. It just isn’t.

  ANDY: I don’t know. It might be.

  It’s not pleasant . . . but it’s real.

  Anyhow, it’s just my book. It’
s just stuff I write.

  I don’t expect you to understand.

  Nobody understands me.

  Ilana cautiously goes to him and kisses him. She steps away.

  ANDY: Okay. Wow.

  He steps toward her. Nervously leans in and kisses her longer.

  Lights shift and hip-hop music fills the air. Suresh enters and begins cleaning the space. Eventually Andy and Ilana exit.

  Scene 4.

  Ilana’s studio, one month later. The studio is immaculately organized and clean.

  Suresh, with iPod earbuds in his ears, at a table, folding a fourteen-inch tyrannosaurus.

  Ilana enters with a stack of mail. She’s well dressed and groomed for the first time, coming from a business meeting. She stops and looks at the studio, seeing it organized and clean for the first time.

  She’s not happy about it. She yells Suresh’s name, but he can’t hear her until the third time she yells . . .

  ILANA : Suresh!

  Suresh takes out his earbuds, the music stops.

  SURESH : Yo, what up?

  ILANA : What happened here!?

  SURESH: What?

  ILANA: What did you do to this place?

  SURESH: I cleaned it.

  ILANA: What did you do with all my things?

  SURESH: I threw ’em out.

  ILANA: What?!

  SURESH: Chill! I’m kidding! I put it in boxes and stacked them in the closet. And I put your documents and shit in the file cabinet. And over there I got some crates filled with your folding paper. It’s a lot more efficient this way.

  ILANA: This is not what I asked you to do.

  SURESH: I asked you if I could straighten up.

  ILANA: “Straighten up!”

  SURESH: Check it out: shit is straightened.

  ILANA: You can’t come into my home and change everything!

  SURESH: Why you gotta always be like this?

  ILANA:I thought you were just going to throw away the food!

  SURESH: You know, I got on my knees and scrubbed the damn kitchen floor. There was some nasty shit all in that grout, you know? I even got behind the fridge.

  ILANA: Where’s my crease patterns?

  SURESH: In the box marked “crease patterns.”

  Ilana goes to a stack of boxes. Suresh puts the earphones back in. Hip-hop fills the air. Ilana starts speaking again, but we can’t hear her.