MR. UNIVERSE

by Jim Grimsley

  VICK. What time did they come?

  JUEL LAURIE. Between Twilight Zone and The Avengers.

  VICK. That was about the same time the woman was here.

  JUEL LAURIE. I don’t have no flashlight in my house.

  VICK. What do you need a flashlight for, honey?

  JUEL LAURIE. You can’t see in the dark without no flashlight. That woman in the uniform looking for you, she’ll find you too.

  KATY. Do you see the future or do you just run your mouth?

  VICK. Leave her alone, Katy, she can’t help it.

  JUEL LAURIE. That woman in the uniform coming to seize you, child. Take you down to the jail house and lock you in the room with the crazy woman and the dogs. (JUEL LAURIE sees the MUSCLE MAN, crosses to him.) Who is this here? Do you live here boy?

  VICK. He can’t talk, Mistress Laurie.

  JUEL LAURIE. He can’t?

  VICK. No ma’am.

  JUEL LAURIE. Why not?

  VICK. I don’t know.

  JUEL LAURIE. What happened to him to get all those Band-Aids on him?

  VICK. I think somebody beat him up.

  JUEL LAURIE. Every time I turn around you took up with somebody else. Where is that other boy who used to live here?

  VICK. He still does.

  (JUEL LAURIE walks around the MUSCLE MAN, inspecting him.

  After a pause, the MUSCLE MAN stands, walks around JUEL LAURIE, inspecting her.)

  JUEL LAURIE. Hope you get your eyes full. Looking at somebody. (To VICK.) How did he get to be shaped all like that?

  VICK. I guess he did a lot of exercises.

  JUEL LAURIE. He looks like Vanice did when he was in the navy. I like this man, you art to keep him and get rid of that prissy one.

  VICK. Juel Laurie, you got to finish what you started to talk about.

  JUEL LAURIE. What was that?

  VICK. The policewoman coming to see you.

  JUEL LAURIE. But I told you everything I know. She’s coming back for Katy Jume. She’s watching your front door and the lights in your house. She’s in the whole neighborhood visiting all your friends. She’s coming back for you. She got a surprise.

  VICK. I believe I hear Vanice calling you.

  JUEL LAURIE. Vanice is in the bathtub reading True Detective magazine.

  VICK. I believe he wants you to come home.

  JUEL LAURIE (to MUSCLE MAN). Do you have a flashlight I can borrow?

  VICK (as if she has been speaking to him). No ma’am. All I got is candles.

  JUEL LAURIE. You can’t kill rats with no candle. We got a flashlight but the batteries is dead on it. I ain’t bought no new ones because we still got toilet paper. Vanice is calling me, ain’t he?

  VICK. Yes ma’am, he is.

  JUEL LAURIE. Katy, honey, your kitchen window is open and the curtains is blowing all out of it.

  KATY. I don’t think it’s going to rain right now, Juel Laurie.

  JUEL LAURIE. Don’t worry sugar, Vanice didn’t tell the pohlice nothing. He was smart. He said he hadn’t seen you and didn’t know nothing about where you were. You got to treat your neighbors like your kin.

  VICK (leading JUEL LAURIE to the door). Good night Juel Laurie.

  JUEL LAURIE. I believe I’ll make some grape Kool-Aid when I get home. Good night Mr. Muscle.

  (Exit JUEL LAURIE.)

  KATY. She said they’re watching my house.

  VICK. She doesn’t know anything.

  KATY. I need a clean dress. I ain’t been home in three days.

  VICK. You lied to me, didn’t you? You didn’t lose your apartment key. You were just afraid to go home because of the police.

  KATY. I was a fool to come here at all.

  VICK. Tell me why the police want to talk to you.

  KATY. I don’t know why.

  VICK. Tell me the truth, Katy.

  KATY. I might have seen something.

  VICK. Why don’t you play straight with me for five minutes.

  KATY. I told you, I might have been someplace where something happened. Someplace where I was tonight. People always be getting killed around here, you can’t worry about it. You just got to accept it.

  VICK. Did somebody get killed where you were? Answer me.

  KATY. Which place? I been a little bit of everywhere tonight, it has been one hellacious day.

  VICK. I’m going to ask you one more time. Where were you that the police want to know about?

  KATY. In bed with this two-bit pimp in Gentilly.

  VICK. I can’t ever tell when you’re lying and when you’re telling the truth.

  KATY. Well this is the truth, honey. I was in bed with this pimp name Wienie Rod, and we was laying up in his trailer in a empty lot in Gentilly, and come a knock on the door. Wienie Rod walk over there in his pajama bottoms and a shotgun blast right through the door and tear his head clean off. By the time I got to him whoever it was with the shotgun had gone and there was Wienie Rod laying in a pool of blood with his head blowed off. I got right out of there. I went off and had me some breakfast.

  VICK. You lying whore.

  KATY. Who you calling a lie?

  VICK. What happened when that salesman took you up to his hotel room?

  (A beat of silence.

  KATY watches VICK.)

  VICK. Would you tell me what happened, please?

  (Enter JUDY.)

  JUDY. What is this, true confessions time?

  KATY. As a matter of fact it was a private conversation. But since you’re here you might as well know.

  JUDY. Oh, is this about that woman who was here, that darling policewoman? You already told me about that.

  KATY. I know what I told you.

  JUDY. So this is an even truer true confession.

  VICK. Could you please shut up?

  JUDY. Miss Girlfriend to Miss Girlfriend, station to station.

  KATY. Judy, I am going to cut up what you don’t shut up.

  VICK. Don’t pay any attention to her.

  JUDY. That’s right, treat me like the mosquitoes and the flies.

  KATY. Girl, you are high.

  VICK. Tell me what happened, Katy.

  KATY. Nothing happened.

  VICK. The police aren’t after you because nothing happened. They want to talk to you about that man, don’t they?

  KATY. What man? I know lots of mens.

  VICK. You know what man. That salesman in the bar. The one who grabbed on you, the one who sold Christmas tree bulbs.

  KATY. Oh yeah, old sweet-bottom. What do the police want to talk to me about him for? Come on, you been reading my mind, do it some more.

  VICK. You said you went with him to the Faubourg.

  KATY. That’s right, I did.

  VICK. The police told Juel Laurie … (Hesitates, visibly decides to change the subject.) Fuck it, forget I asked you anything.

  KATY. No baby, you don’t get off that easy. You want to act so concern, go ahead. Tell me what you think happened with that man.

  VICK (after a pause). I think he’s dead.

  KATY. I can’t hear you.

  VICK. He’s dead. He died.

  KATY. Well Lord help me. How did he get dead?

  VICK. I don’t know.

  KATY. You lie. You think I killed him.

  JUDY. Vick’s been watching too many police shows on TV.

  KATY (to VICK). You really think I could kill somebody.

  VICK. I don’t know what I think.

  KATY. You another lie. You think I could kill somebody, don’t you?

  VICK. Yes.

  JUDY. Well Katy girl I guess now you know who your friends are.

  (KATY laughs in such a way that it becomes plain VICK is right.)

  KATY. You should have seen that man, Judy, he was a trip. Greasy fucker. Think he can have me easy. Took me up to his hotel room and serve me cheap vodka on crush ice. Talk nasty in my ear about what he want to do, and then take my clothes off with his fat hands, and then show me a picture of his
wife. Can you believe that? I don’t know why. He was just drunk and one minute he was all over me and the next minute he was feeling bad and want to show me his wife. This nice-looking woman with good hair and smiling all kind of a nice smile. And him laying there on that hotel bed with the sheet pulled up over his fat belly, and looking all ugly with his teeth yellow from cigarettes. Waiting for me. I told him to put his pictures away and he did, and I thought it would be all right, but then he start to touch me and kiss on me and tell me how she don’t treat him right, and all about how she can’t even cook breakfast in the morning without breaking the yolk on the egg, when he so fat he don’t need to eat another egg forever in his whole life. I got mad. I don’t know why. I couldn’t stand to look at him and I couldn’t stand for him to touch me and I tried to get away but he was grabbing onto me, and I just got madder and madder.

  JUDY. You told me he had a heart attack.

  KATY. That’s right, he did. I attack his heart myself. That was all last night. I got out of there and I been wandering around ever since.

  VICK. Katy.

  KATY. Don’t say nothing. Because I’m not sorry. No sir, not one little bit. To tell you the truth I don’t feel nothing at all.

  VICK. But why?

  KATY. I told you I don’t know. It’s done now and I can’t take it back. It felt good to stick a knife up between his ribs. Men always sticking something in me, I wondered how it felt.

  (Enter JUEL LAURIE, onto another part of the stage, as if she is passing by in the hall outside.)

  JUEL LAURIE. Vanice. Vanice honey, are you out here? Vanice, supper is ready and I can’t find you nowhere, I been looking all day.

  JUDY. There she goes again.

  JUEL LAURIE. I cooked a ham like you like. With the can cherries on it. You can make you some good sandwiches, Vanice baby. And we got baby lima beans and hot rolls. Vanice you got to change your socks, they all clean. Vanice, where are you, please answer me.

  KATY. I hate it when she hollers like that.

  VICK. She’s upset tonight.

  JUDY. That man been dead long enough she ought to know it by now.

  JUEL LAURIE. Vanice, the saxophone man is down by the No Parking Anytime. We can go down and listen to him. He got the big gold horn, he’ll play like you want. Where are you baby? I miss you. I ain’t seen you all day.

  KATY. Please go make her shut up.

  VICK. She’ll calm down in a minute, just sit still honey.

  JUEL LAURIE. If you don’t come back soon I’ll be gone. That’s right. Vanice, the pohlice looking for me, they think I killed somebody. The pohlice came talking to me, wanting to know where you were. You’re the only one who can save me, they gone back after the big guns and the dogs. I need you so bad. You know it? You ain’t no good. Do you hear me? You ain’t no good for leaving me.

  (Exit JUEL LAURIE, mumbling.

  For a time there is silence in the apartment.

  JUDY wanders to the window, sipping bourbon, smoking a cigarette if the actor smokes.

  KATY paces.

  The MUSCLE MAN goes to VICK, who checks his bandages.)

  VICK. This is driving me crazy, I can’t stand it. Give me the key to your apartment.

  KATY. What for?

  VICK. I’m going to get you a dress. Then I’m going to check the back door to see if there’s anybody watching the courtyard. The police might not even know to watch there.

  KATY. You must be crazy.

  VICK. I can’t just wait here.

  KATY. You start helping me and they’ll lock you up right along with me.

  VICK. Sweetheart, they will never know. You are not just going to sit here waiting for them to arrest you because you killed some fat motherfucker from out of town. Give me your key.

  KATY. Hell, I’ll go down there.

  VICK. No you won’t. You’re going to wait right here till I get back. Don’t argue with me.

  KATY. The key’s in my purse.

  JUDY (gleeful that VICK is leaving). Your purse is still in my room, Katy sweetheart. I’ll go get it.

  (Exit JUDY.)

  VICK. I’m sick to my stomach all of a sudden. (Goes to window.) All you can smell is rain rot and garbage.

  KATY. Can you see the police?

  VICK. Not from here. I can see the saxophone man though, right where Juel Laurie said.

  (Enter JUDY, with KATY’s purse and dress.)

  JUDY (giving KATY the purse). Here you are.

  (KATY searches for the key.)

  VICK (to MUSCLE MAN). I’ll only be gone for a minute, I’ll be right back.

  JUDY. He looks tired, poor baby. Why don’t I put him to bed in your room while you’re gone? Then you can sleep with me tonight.

  VICK. Are you serious?

  JUDY. Vick, I am not a monster. I don’t want to hurt this man any more than you do.

  VICK. Well …

  JUDY. Vick, please let me do something nice. I’ll just tuck him in real pretty and by the time you get Katy all fixed up, he’ll be asleep for the night.

  VICK. That sounds sweet. All right. (Gets the key from KATY.) I’ll be right back. Is there anything else you want?

  KATY. Just bring me my red cocktail dress you gave me for my birthday.

  VICK. How am I going to see that dress in the dark?

  KATY. It glows, honey. You’ll find it.

  (VICK moves toward the exit.

  The MUSCLE MAN follows.)

  VICK. No, you can’t come with me. I’ll be back in a little bit.

  KATY. That’s sweet. He don’t want you to go.

  VICK. I’ll be back in a minute. You let them put you to bed, all right?

  JUDY. Aunt Katy and Aunt Judy will fix you right up.

  KATY (to VICK). Don’t let no spook get you. I thought I saw old man Vanice myself the other day.

  (Exit VICK.)

  JUDY (to KATY). Poor baby. You need to calm down. (Approaches her.) Come on sweetheart, let me take you back to my room.

  KATY. Get the fuck away from me. I can’t stand you when you try to act nice.

  JUDY. But I want to give you a little something to settle your nerves. Killing people is hard on a girl, you probably worked up quite an appetite.

  KATY. You are sick.

  JUDY. You mean you don’t want any more of my candy?

  KATY. You know better than that.

  JUDY. Well I tell you what. You just go get you some. You know where it is. And take you a little bit for the road, you probably need it.

  KATY. Are you serious?

  JUDY. Of course.

  KATY. You’re going to let me in that box without hanging all over my shoulder?

  JUDY. Katy dear, you are my friend. Friends trust each other. Besides, I promised Vick I would put this poor man to bed.

  KATY. Oh, I get it now—

  JUDY. No no no, you’ve got it all wrong. I’m going to do just exactly like I said, I’m going to put this man to bed and I’m not going to bother him one little bit.

  KATY. You must think I’m a fool.

  JUDY. I’m telling you the truth. I did a lot of thinking about what you said. I don’t want to end up like my mother, keeping company with trash for the rest of my life. She threw away everything that ever did her any good. I don’t want to do that. Vick is good to me and I’m going to start being good to him. So don’t worry. I wouldn’t hurt this man for all the muscles in the world. I’m going to take him into Vick’s room and put him to bed and turn out the lights and leave him alone. I might even sing him a lullaby.

  KATY (wanting to believe him). I hope for your sake you’re telling the truth.

  JUDY. I am. You can believe it. Now go on back to my room and look in my box.

  (Exit KATY.)

  JUDY (callingafter her). Now don’t take everything I got.

  (JUDY turns to the MUSCLE MAN, walks slowly around him in a wide circle.

  The SAXOPHONE PLAYER plays JUDY’s theme, low.)

  JUDY. You think she really killed somebo
dy? Do you? Come on, answer me. I know you can talk. Do you think Katy looks like a killer? She looks really hot in that slip, don’t she? Yeah, you like that stuff. I can tell. The police are coming; did you figure that out yet? They’ll probably drag you and her off both, don’t you think? I mean, Katy killed this man. And you look suspicious too.

  (The MUSCLE MAN moves toward the door.

  JUDY intercepts him.)

  JUDY. Where do you think you’re going? Vick’s not out there. Vick’s not coming back. The police will be in Katy’s apartment any minute, just hundreds and hundreds of them. He won’t be coming back for a long time. He’d probably go downtown with Miss Katy anyway. He’s so good. You can count on Vick, yes sir. Vick will take good care of Miss Katy. And you and me will stay right here.

  (JUDY approaches the MUSCLE MAN slowly.

  The MUSCLE MAN withdraws.)

  JUDY. You can understand me, can’t you? Yes you can. Don’t run away. I just want to put you to bed. I can make you feel real good. Make you relax. I just want to take you back to Vick’s room and put you to bed. And maybe get to know you a little.

  (JUDY continues to approach throughout.

  The MUSCLE MAN continues to retreat.

  JUDY is surprisingly anxious that the MUSCLE MAN should believe he is sincere.)

  JUDY. Why are you afraid of me? Why do you let that bitch Vick put his hands on you but you won’t let me?

  (JUDY manages to corner the MUSCLE MAN.

  The MUSCLE MAN pushes him violently away.)

  JUDY. If you would just let me try I could be okay. There’s nobody here but you and me. You know? You don’t have to pretend anymore. This is what you came here for, isn’t it?

  (JUDY and the MUSCLE MAN are some distance apart.

  The MUSCLE MAN peels off his shirt in slow motion, strips to his posing trunks.

  JUDY freezes, watching.

  The MUSCLE MAN poses as the light changes.

  Eerie music plays, as if they were in some strange dimension.

  The MUSCLE MAN does a smooth, polished posing routine, both standing and kneeling poses.