MR. UNIVERSE

by Jim Grimsley

BLUE DONNA. As long as we’re on that boat before the bomb goes off, we’ll be fine. We’ll have something to tell our grandchildren about, if we have any grandchildren. (Lights fade to black.) I mean, where would you rather be than at the beach with a few friends? At Bikini Atoll, staring at the blue lagoon.

  (Silence.

  The sound of much movement.

  Whispers.

  No attempt to rush the scene change.

  All the actors are onstage, in place, as if filming.

  DAWN is operating the camera.

  GRIP and BEST BOYD are handling lights, boom mikes, and the like.

  MONTREAT is undressing on the blanket.

  JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG are standing with their backs to the audience.

  HUGH is still wearing the long robe with the hood.

  JOE is still wearing the cap with the brim pulled over his eyes.)

  BLUE DONNA. Action.

  MONTREAT (for the camera). Yes. Yes, I am older. Yes, I am not young. But here we are. The three of us. Alone. Here. You. And you. And me.

  (MONTREAT waits expectantly.)

  VOICEOVER. The two of them did not seem to hear the man. They were separated only by distance. They could see each other out of the corners of their eyes. But they were not aware of Montreat or his tender feelings. They watched him undress as if he were a shadow moving. As if he were a ghost, already beyond death. They could feel only each other. Their hands were not touching and yet there was a pulse, a charge, as if gravity were drawing them down together onto the blanket. They did not move. Montreat finished undressing. He watched them. He was afraid.

  MONTREAT. Why are you looking at me like that? Take off your clothes.

  (The expressions on MONTREAT’s face make clear the fact that neither HUGH nor JOE is moving to obey.

  MONTREAT becomes embarrassed since he is the only one who is naked.

  He fumbles for a cigarette.

  Finds a lighter, drops it, finds it again.

  Decides not to light the cigarette.

  Glares at the two of them.

  Stands with his hands covering his genitals.)

  VOICEOVER (only after all the above actions have occurred). They were sorry that Montreat had taken off his clothes so quickly. They wished they had a robe or a towel to offer him, for comfort. He had become so confused he did not know what to do next. But they could not move to help him, they could only watch.

  (MONTREAT begins to dress.

  He should make sounds of distress, very soft and heartfelt.)

  MONTREAT. I don’t have to stay here like this.

  VOICEOVER. It was true. He did not have to stay.

  (Blackout.

  Lights rise on a new scene being filmed.

  GRIP is operating the camera.

  BEST BOYD is doing the rest of the technical work.

  DAWN and BLUE DONNA are embracing on the blanket.

  Behind them MONTREAT is gluing together a plastic model of a strategic bomber from the late 1950s.

  HUGH and JOE are standing in the same position but this time are facing the audience.)

  DAWN. Is this just another token lesbian scene?

  (BLUE DONNA does not answer.

  They begin to kiss passionately on the blanket.)

  MONTREAT. There’s something odd about that blanket. Something peculiar. That’s not a normal blanket. I’ve been watching that blanket for some time now.

  (MONTREAT holds up the model airplane and turns it from side to side.)

  DAWN. I think there’s some old queen watching us.

  (BLUE DONNA breaks character, looks disgusted, stands.)

  BLUE DONNA. Cut.

  DAWN. What did I do?

  BLUE DONNA. What did you do? Did you hear yourself?

  DAWN. I said the fucking line.

  BLUE DONNA. Big deal. Do me a fucking favor. Next time would you fucking try to say it with a little expression?

  DAWN. I had plenty of expression.

  BLUE DONNA. The living fuck you did. You’re supposed to give this look. I showed you. Look at me. Like this. (She gives the look she wants.) You’re not supposed to look like Einstein. You’re not a fucking scientist. You’re not fucking discovering anything. Montreat is sitting right there, everybody can see him.

  DAWN. I know he is. That’s what’s so fucking stupid about the whole thing.

  BLUE DONNA. Don’t give me any more free critiques, okay?

  DAWN. It’s a fucking porn movie.

  BLUE DONNA. I know it’s a fucking goddamn porn movie.

  DAWN. You think you’re some kind of fucking artist.

  BLUE DONNA. Look, I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.

  DAWN. I don’t have to put up with this crap.

  BLUE DONNA. I said I was sorry. Let’s do it again. Okay?

  (DAWN nods assent.

  They resume positions as at the beginning of the scene.)

  DAWN. Is this just another token lesbian scene?

  (BLUE DONNA does not answer.

  They begin to kiss passionately on the blanket.)

  MONTREAT. There’s something odd about that blanket. Something peculiar. That’s not a normal blanket. I’ve been watching that blanket for some time now.

  (MONTREAT holds up the model airplane and turns it from side to side.)

  DAWN. I think there’s some old queen watching us.

  (BLUE DONNA pulls her back down and continues to kiss her.

  They begin to tear at each other’s clothes as lights fade to black.

  JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG are still standing as before.)

  VOICEOVER (during the scene change, which may be partially lit). Donna knew it would be a film for the ages. Not just for today, but for tomorrow too. She had known it since she was walking on the beach at Charleston thinking about the fine architecture in that city. While she was walking on the beach, the words “big bang” had come into her mind. This was remarkable in that the big bang theory of cosmic creation was not yet widely discussed. She was thinking of another context. She had already learned, through secret channels, of the H-bomb project, and she knew of the consequences this weapon would have for the world.

  (During the above, a motorcycle has been rolled onstage.

  If a real motorcycle cannot be found, an appropriate representation may be used.

  The motorcycle is placed in front of the blanket.

  Equipment may be moved as necessary.

  MONTREAT stands beside the motorcycle.

  BLUE DONNA is operating the camera.)

  BLUE DONNA. Action.

  (MONTREAT begins to lick the seat of the motorcycle.

  For a while the scene consists of this action —MONTREAT licking and BLUE DONNA filming.

  Enter DAWN.)

  DAWN. Was that you?

  MONTREAT (pausing but not facing DAWN). Where?

  DAWN. On the beach.

  MONTREAT. I was at the beach earlier. Today.

  DAWN. Were you sitting beside a blanket? A very unusual blanket?

  MONTREAT. I don’t recall anything about a blanket.

  DAWN. You were building a model of a strategic bomber. You are obviously in possession of military secrets. At the same time, you were watching me with my lover. You, or someone who looks very much like you.

  MONTREAT. You must be mistaken. I’ve been adoring this motorcycle most of the day.

  (Lights rise gradually to reveal JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG standing in two different parts of the stage that have not been used until now.

  The two are facing each other.

  HUGH YOUNG lowers the hood of the robe.

  JOE LUBE COOL takes off the cap.

  They simply watch each other.

  MONTREAT returns to cleaning the motorcycle.

  DAWN watches.

  Blackout onstage.

  Lights linger on JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG.)

  VOICEOVER. They had become like gods, they were seeing and hearing things they could not possibly see or hear.

>   (Lights rise as GRIP and BEST BOYD roll a long object to an area of the stage closest to the audience.

  They are wearing white lab coats and stand flanking the long object, which is covered with a painted cloth.

  They are holding clipboards and stand in a vaguely military stance.

  JOE and HUGH are still visible.

  GRIP is eyeing the long object nervously.)

  GRIP. This thing makes me queasy.

  BEST BOYD. It’s not real.

  GRIP. What difference does that make? It still makes me nervous.

  (GRIP moves a step away from the object.)

  BEST BOYD. Where are you going?

  GRIP. Nowhere.

  BEST BOYD. Why are you standing over there?

  GRIP. That thing is radioactive, right? Radioactive stuff is bad for you, right?

  BEST BOYD. I’m telling you, this is nothing but a fake. (Strips off the painted cloth to reveal a bomb, looking very real.) Look. See? (Taps it.)

  GRIP. Cover it up.

  BEST BOYD. You need to stop being so ridiculous.

  GRIP. Cover it up I said.

  BEST BOYD. When you have an unreasonable fear like this you should face it.

  GRIP (facing the bomb, then sitting with his hands over his eyes). All right. I’ve faced it. Now cover it up.

  (BEST BOYD replaces the cover.

  Lights fade to black.

  Lights rise on BLUE DONNA, who is pacing the stage.

  She is not aware of the presence of JOE and HUGH.

  During the scene that follows, JOE and HUGH do not move.)

  VOICEOVER. Donna knew now that it had been a mistake to bring Montreat along, but what could she do? There were hours left before the ship would come. Montreat was becoming more and more morose. Joe was remaining calm but who knew how long that would last? With Montreat licking his boots at every turn. She knew that she herself would not long have tolerated such treatment from any woman. Joe was a man with a reputation. Then there was Hugh Young to consider. Something was going on between Joe and Hugh Young, and Donna wasn’t sure she approved.

  (Enter MONTREAT, totally out of control.)

  MONTREAT. You’ve got to give me another scene. Just one more. I can carry it. I still look pretty good. I swear you won’t be sorry.

  (Goes behind blanket.)

  I’ll just stand right here. I’ll watch them fuck. Joe and that boy. My beautiful big strong Joe. I know how you’ve got that scene set up. It’s very artistic. I’ll just stand right here and you can bring up a light, and when they come here, it will be just like when I was watching you and Dawn.

  BLUE DONNA. You know that won’t work, Montreat. I can’t repeat myself like that.

  MONTREAT. But you’ve got to, you’ve got to give me another scene. I just need a chance. I can still work. I can still do it. They still love me, they still want me to take off my clothes. Look, I’m getting back in shape. I’ve been doing sit-ups all morning. Look. Look how flat. (Shows his stomach.)

  BLUE DONNA. Joe and Hugh don’t need you in the scene, they can carry it themselves.

  (Suddenly MONTREAT becomes aware that JOE and HUGH are onstage.

  But he does not approach them.

  In some way, their placement in the separate playing areas has exalted them beyond his reach.)

  MONTREAT. Let me fuck Joe instead of Hugh, let me. Just in this one scene.

  BLUE DONNA (exiting in disgust). You must be out of your mind. Nobody wants to watch you fuck Joe.

  (MONTREAT gazes round in a daze.

  Sees the bomb.

  The sight of the bomb helps to sober MONTREAT.

  He moves toward the bomb with sudden dignity, the likes of which he has not shown before.

  He circles the bomb, which is covered.

  He pause at the nose of the bomb.)

  MONTREAT. I understand it all now.

  (He slowly, sensuously removes the cover from the bomb.

  During the speech that follows, he is calm and dignified.)

  This is a three-stage bomb. The first stage is a standard fission bomb composed of a rare isotope of uranium, U-235, which constitutes only seven-tenths of one percent of all naturally occurring uranium. This isotope is inherently more unstable than the naturally occurring uranium 238, and when a sufficient quantity of a sufficient purity of the isotope is brought together in what is known as a critical mass, a fission explosion occurs.

  (In some way, perhaps by turning toward him, MONTREAT acknowledges JOE LUBE COOL.)

  This atomic explosion is the first stage of the hydrogen bomb. The second stage of the explosion process occurs in the two-hundred-plus pounds of a compound called lithium deuteride placed in the vicinity of the fifty-million-degree centigrade temperatures generated by the fission explosion. Lithium 6, a light-metal isotope, produces tritium when bombarded by free neutrons such as those produced by a fission explosion. The tritium atoms are fused with deuterium atoms, combined with the lithium 6 in the lithium deuteride, by the high temperatures occurring near the fissioning uranium.

  (In some way, perhaps by turning toward him, MONTREAT acknowledges HUGH YOUNG.)

  This completes the second stage of the three-stage explosion process. As a result of this stage, high-energy neutrons are released, and these neutrons cause the fission of the bomb’s final component, a layer of cheap, common uranium 238 which is wrapped around the fusion bomb. This final stage of the three-stage explosion process generates more than half of the bomb’s incredible explosive power and is responsible for the vast majority of the bomb’s fallout generation. The fusion explosion itself is relatively clean and generates no new radioactive isotopes.

  (MONTREAT bows to JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG.)

  The bomb is much more powerful than the scientists have dreamed today. In the previous test of a hydrogen explosive, code-named Mike and taking place on Eniwetok, another of the Marshall Islands, a large explosive device consisting of liquid, refrigerated tritium and a central fission or atom bomb, weighing some sixty-five tons, was exploded on November 1, 1952. The bomb presently here on Bikini Atoll, which will explode sometime tomorrow over Bikini Atoll, is the first to employ the outer shell of U-238, and will usher in the age when humans can destroy whole cities at one stroke. The bomb will prove so successful, generating more than twice the expected explosive power, that a test of an even more powerful explosive a few days from now will be canceled. Neither Joe Lube Cool nor Hugh Young understands any of this. They are simply here to film a gay porn movie.

  (MONTREAT pulls a gun from his pocket, sits down by the bomb, and shoots himself in the mouth.

  JOE LUBE COOL and HUGH YOUNG come down from the areas of the stage they are separately inhabiting.

  They look at MONTREAT’s body.

  HUGH YOUNG pulls up the hood of his robe; exit HUGH YOUNG.

  JOE LUBE COOL remains onstage until BEST BOYD and GRIP rush in.)

  BEST BOYD. I thought I heard a gun.

  JOE LUBE COOL. You did.

  BEST BOYD. What happened?

  JOE LUBE COOL (indicating the body). Montreat’s dead. He shot himself.

  BEST BOYD. I didn’t even know he had a gun.

  JOE LUBE COOL (exiting in the same direction as HUGH YOUNG). He probably didn’t have one. Until he thought about shooting himself, I mean.

  (Exit JOE LUBE COOL.

  DAWN and BLUE DONNA enter and sink down onto the blanket, kissing and making love with their hands.

  At the same time, GRIP and BEST BOYD run to the bomb and find MONTREAT.

  GRIP and BEST BOYD simply look at each other and say nothing.

  After a while they walk around the bomb, passing each other, and look at MONTREAT from the other side.

  They should let a good while pass before they speak.)

  BEST BOYD. Should we drag him off somewhere?

  GRIP. What for?

  BEST BOYD. So we don’t have to look at him.

  (GRIP shrugs.

  They drag MONTREAT
offstage after BEST BOYD puts a cloth under MONTREAT’s bloody head.

  Lights fade to black.)

  VOICEOVER. They were each watching. Each knew what was going on. Montreat had killed himself without any warning. The others didn’t care. Secretly, each had wished the old queen dead. Some more than once, given the last few days. The filming session on the beach had taken on a timeless feeling. At first the location had seemed like a lark but after a few days the thought of the bomb made it terribly real. The heat, the sand, the glimmering lagoon in which no one could swim for fear of being seen. The horrible nights, moving from place to place with the equipment. Setting up the tents by moonlight. The sound of the helicopters, the patrol boats, the fierce glare of the searchlights. Hiding, always hiding. All for a porn movie. Blue Donna was crazy and they all knew it. She was obsessed with her movie, but they could forgive her for that. After all, they were in it. It was Pug Montreat they hated. It was Pug Montreat who whined and complained, who fussed about the sand, who couldn’t eat fish, who made eyes at Joe Lube Cool and pouted whenever Joe paid attention to Hugh Young. Everyone watched Grip and Best Boyd drag his body back into the palms where soon it would be pulverized by nucleic shrapnel. While they sailed away on the Lucky Dragon bound for postwar Japan.

  (Lights rise on BLUE DONNA and DAWN STEVENS, who are holding scripts.)

  Only a few days before, at the beginning of the shoot, everything had seemed so much simpler. Blue Donna had seemed invincible with her mysterious ties to the Atomic Energy Commission and her knowledge of the bomb. She and Dawn Stevens had held one exciting story conference after another. The idea of Big Bang hovered between them. The air was charged. Anything seemed possible.

  (DAWN and BLUE DONNA cover the bomb.)

  BLUE DONNA. Actually, it hasn’t been that hard. You’re just taking a picture of a dick. Basically, I mean. If you pick out a good one and you take a good picture, you’re, well, about halfway there, actually. I mean, guys don’t do much for me but that works to my advantage. You know? I’m, well, not involved. Also, because I’m not all that interested in penises I don’t rely on them all that much. In my films, I mean. Like, I find a guy who’s pretty good looking instead of one of these pimply types. The gross maggot type, you know. With nothing but a big dick to his name and God help him. Well, I don’t go for that. I look at it like, well, like something that ought to be really beautiful and sort of abstract. I mean, you never actually see anybody dressed like Joe Lube Cool. Except in LA. You know? And if you do, you never believe in them. Basically, I mean. You keep seeing this image. Well, the image is still there, I just take a picture of it. This movie is the first time I’ve had any lesbians in my films. I’m finding it much more difficult to deal with. (Pause.) What made you quit making movies girl? You were really hot.