Just Breathe

by Mataya, Tamara

  “Yes.” I take another sip of beer, hating that I still find him attractive, even after all he’s done to me.

  He leans close, speaking softly into my ear so only I can hear him. “I’m sorry about all this. But when I saw you earlier, I honestly just forgot all about the party. I had to see you, talk to you. But it’s sort of my welcome back party, and I can’t just kick everyone out.”

  I guess that would be sort of douchey.

  “But,” he continues, “I promise if you hang out for a while, when everyone’s gone, we’ll talk for real.”

  I should just leave right now. Put my beer down, tell him it was a mistake to come, walk outside and call a cab.

  “Just give me an hour, Elle. I promise. After that I’m all yours, and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about. I owe you that much.”

  Yeah he does. Hanging at a house party for one hour isn’t going to kill me. And if I stay, I can say my piece and never have to see him ever again. I’ll get to confront him, hear his excuse—because I really am curious as to why he left—and then I can leave. Strut off into the sunset with Dominic.

  If I leave now, there’s no guarantee I’ll ever get my answers. I’m not sure I have the strength to face him again – I’m white-knuckling my beer as it is. So I take another fortifying sip of beer and nod.

  “One hour.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Dominic’s face comes closer, and he smiles that grin at me. I curl into him and we kiss. It feels amazing... Amazing, but different. Something’s off. I run my fingers through his hair—but it’s gone. His hair is short now. What the hell?

  I snap fully awake, realizing that while I’ve been dreaming of Dominic, someone has been kissing me. I’m kissing someone with short hair. Someone who is definitely not Dominic. I push against the chest in front of me, and sit up on the couch, flailing my limbs. Shit, I must have dozed off.

  “What the fuck?”

  “Settle down, Sexy As. Party’s over, it’s only me.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Like, one-thirty.”

  I’d had to drink a bit too much to keep my nerves and growing annoyance under control. It wasn’t technically his fault, he did try to talk to me an hour ago, but people kept coming up to him, interrupting the conversation, and I left, told him to find me later. The only place in the house that wasn’t crammed full of people was the basement. Jason’s bedroom was empty too, but there was no way in hell I was stepping foot in there. I must have dozed off on the musty brown corduroy couch.

  “God, I’ve missed you so much, Ellie. No one kisses like you do.”

  We’re finally alone. I’m alone with Jason, who left me with no explanation, who is now coming in for another kiss. I want to push him away, but part of me is curious. Am I really over him? Is he over me? So I let him kiss me.

  And then, what’s worse, I kiss him back. The familiar taste of his cinnamon toothpaste, the way he’s a bit of a top lipper. I remember everything. It feels... nice. Like putting on a pair of comfy shoes after wearing stilettos all day. But...

  But it’s not like it used to be. I used to feel an almost desperate love for Jason, like a part of me couldn’t believe this gorgeous man wanted to be with me. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I deserve better. I deserve someone who will go that extra distance for me. Like Dominic has. I pull away from Jason. “I can’t do this.”

  “I know what you’re going to say, and yes you can. Elle, I am so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am for doing what I did to you.”

  “Why did you do it?” A sudden boldness overtakes me. “How could you just leave like that?”

  He sighs and sits back on the couch, not looking at me. “It wasn’t easy for me. I guess the short explanation is that I was selfish. I didn’t like how my life was going at that point, and I needed to get away from here, clear my head. You know how much I was partying. It wasn’t good for me. It wasn’t a life.”

  I do know how much he was partying. I’d tried to talk to him about it a few times, but each time he basically told me to fuck off, in slightly more polite words, and then he’d go on a drinking binge, which led to harder drugs. It was awful. I felt so helpless.

  “I remember. But I don’t understand how you could just leave without even a phone call to let me know what was up. I had no idea what had happened to you, if you were okay. I didn’t know what your radio silence meant – when you left we were great. I’d thought everything was fine.”

  He turns to me and seizes one of my hands. “That’s the thing, Ellie. Everything, with us at least, was fine. You were literally the only good thing in my life at that point. I couldn’t drag you down with me, but I wasn’t sure I could snap out of it. Everything was such a mess, I was out of control, spiralling further down. But I never ever meant to hurt you. You have to know that. You know me. I couldn’t do that to my Ellie.”

  I thought I knew him. It is Jason’s style though, to just think of himself and leave, not thinking that I would need an explanation—if that is indeed what happened. He could be talking out of his ass right now. I’m just not sure. He’s acting as if it was such a long time ago, but it wasn’t that long ago that I was curled into a tight ball of pain, crying, wondering what I did that was so wrong. Wondering what it was about me that made it so easy for him to walk away from; what it was about me that made me so easy to forget. He’s had more time than I have to understand this—after all he was the one who made the decision to leave. I was just the moron who waited for him.

  But am I a moron? Here he is in front of me. Holding my hand like he’s scared I’ll run away. My how the tables have turned.

  “I guess I don’t understand how leaving could magically make things better.”

  He sighs. “I just needed to not be living my lifestyle anymore. I thought a fresh start, being who I was a couple years ago, would fix things.”

  I don’t mention the fact that he just had a huge house party. “You were running from your present by trying to hide in the past. Back then you were someone you liked.”

  “God, Elle, that’s exactly it.”

  “But it doesn’t work like that! Life doesn’t work that way, Jason. We can’t go back in time. We have to be who we want to be now, and that is how our futures get better. Not by returning to the past, but by making use of our present!”

  “You’re so right.” He hugs me. “I should have told you all along, you’d have been able to help me.”

  “Yes, you should have told me.” I don’t hug him back. “You never returned my phone calls or texts.”

  “I know. I didn’t know what to say.” He pulls back, but keeps holding my hand. “And I didn’t have the strength to hear your voice. One word from you and I’d have been right back here. And I couldn’t be here. It would have killed me.”

  “But you’re back now.”

  He shakes his head. “I’m moving into my own place in a couple days. I love these guys, but I’m back and they’re throwing me a party, thinking I’m the same person I was. Booze and blow—which I didn’t do, by the way. They’re great friends, but this scene isn’t good for me to be around. My recovery is still pretty fragile.”

  “Why did you come back then?”

  “I couldn’t stay away forever. It’s like you said, running to my past wasn’t going to work. I got the break I needed, but I have to do it here. My life is here. And I really...” He swallows hard. “I really want you to be a part of it again.”

  “I waited for you.” The words leak out before I can stop them, betraying how pathetic I was.

  His eyes light up and he sits up straighter. “Then we can—”

  “There’s no ‘we.’” I’m gentle, but firm. “Not anymore.”

  “Maybe not, but there could be again, I know it. You feel what I feel. There’s a spark between us; you can’t deny it. It’s so rare, Elle, chemistry like ours. I know you felt it when we kissed.”

  Maybe I did feel it, or at least a muted version o
f it. But that spark isn’t enough. Not anymore.

  “I’m seeing someone else, Jason.”

  His eyes widen, and then he nods. “That’s not surprising; you’re awesome. Any guy would be lucky to have you. But whoever he is, he doesn’t know you like I do. And I will be here waiting for you to change your mind. I mean it, Elle. Leaving you was the biggest mistake of my life and I’m so, so sorry. I’ll wait for you, I swear it. I’ll love you forever.”

  There they are, the words I’ve ached to hear for months. They’re a balm to my soul, to the fractured pieces of my heart. I feel like I can move on now.

  But I also feel a tiny tug toward him. A piece of me still loves Jason. Maybe it always will. If I gave in, we could so easily be a couple again, right back where we were a few months ago. Only this time, he’d appreciate me more, knowing what he’d been missing.

  But there’s Dominic. And I think what we have is stronger, deeper than Jason and my relationship ever was. He’d never break my heart like Jason did. Dominic isn’t selfish enough to pull what Jason pulled. I can’t throw what we have away to go back in time with Jason. Dominic is my present, and my future too.

  “Maybe it would be different if I hadn’t met him.”

  Jason’s face tightens with hurt, and he shakes his head. “I have no one to blame but myself.”

  “I won’t argue with that. But the past is the past. I’ve moved on, you should too.”

  He slumps a bit. “It was too much to hope that I’d be able to come back and still have you. You were the best thing in my life. I never deserved you.”

  “It’s not about deserving anything. Things change.”

  He squeezes my hand. “I mean it. I won’t give up. I need you in my life, Elle, even if it’s only as friends. I know I don’t deserve anything from you, but please. Let me still call you and be a tiny part of your life.”

  His eyes are so earnest, and the smallest bit broken that I nod, feeling sorry for him.

  I feel sorry for him. It almost breaks my brain to think about.

  We talk for a little while longer, then I call a cab, despite his invitation to stay over.

  It’s a victory for my bruised ego, and heart, and I walk a little taller to the cab that drives me home.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  A light breeze swirls my hair around my neck, gently blowing tendrils around my face. Dominic tucks a loose section behind my ear. From the top deck, the hum of the motor is something I sense more than hear, so it’s not as invasive as I’d thought it would be.

  And it’s romantic having the top deck to ourselves. I’ve never been on a riverboat before, and was a bit nervous when he told me what we were doing, but it was so beautiful I couldn’t say no.

  It’s a smaller tour than some I’ve heard of, but the boat’s still about thirty feet long, and heavy enough to be steady in the water. It feels safe, which helps me relax and enjoy the amazing food, and even better company.

  We’ve stuffed ourselves with a rich dessert and sit on the deck, looking out on the water, sipping wine. Strains of classical music stain the air below us with their faint beauty.

  “I’ve missed you.” Dominic puts his arm around my shoulders.

  “I missed you too.” I snuggle into him. We haven’t had a date together since before I ran into Jason almost two weeks ago. “Maybe I should write you a note to take to work giving them shit when they work you too hard.”

  “I would love to see the looks on their faces.” His eyes sparkle gleefully. “Elle says I don’t have to deal with this crap today, here’s my note, see ya!”

  “You know, I offer to write notes for people all the time, and they never take me up on it.”

  “Can’t think why.”

  “I know! Terribly short-sighted. How is work going?”

  “Fucking terribly. I’m not allowed to discuss details, but this particular group makes a bunch of screaming toddlers seem reasonable.”

  “I can write you a note for them instead of your bosses.”

  He squeezes me. “You are perfect.”

  “I’m so glad we could get together.” Finally.

  “Me too. Let’s never go that long without seeing each other again.”

  “Deal.”

  His fingertips brush my upper arm and shoulder, lightly following the curve of my neck, caressing the delicate skin behind my ear, trailing back to cradle the back of my neck as he lowers his head for a kiss.

  Heat flashes through me while shivers claim the surface of my skin. Every press of his lips brings down another shield around my heart. Every swirl of his tongue on mine bares a little more of myself. We’ve reached dangerous levels of vulnerability, but I can’t pull away—physically or emotionally. It’s too late.

  It’s scary, and wonderful, and my heart pounds with fear and elation. He holds me close when we separate.

  “How are we getting back after this? Does the boat take us back down the river?”

  “No need. There’s a dock behind my house, and they’ve agreed to drop us off there.”

  “Dominic!” I feel a bit uncomfortable at how much that must have cost; how decadent it feels to put everyone’s boat tour on hold to let us off.

  He kisses my temple. “Can we just pretend I called in a favour?”

  “You don’t have to go to all this trouble for me, you know.”

  “A man should put some effort in. Besides, it’s not trouble. It’s not like I hired a private jet on a lark to take us to Paris for supper.”

  “And if you did that I would flip out.” And swoon. “That would be over the top.”

  “Exactly. So when you compare the two choices, I have shown remarkable restraint.”

  “I feel like there are some holes in your logic.”

  The boat slows and he leads me to the lower deck. We’ve arrived at the dock behind his house. At least I hope it’s not just his dock. That’s hard to wrap my mind around, old money or not.

  The boat pulls away as we take in the gorgeous remnants of the sunset through the tall trees on the riverbank. Dominic takes my hand as we turn and walk up the dock, then up the slope of his back yard. I love his garden so much. It’s neat, and clearly well kept, but not manicured to the point where it looks artificial. It’s a bit wild and free, the plants relaxed and allowed to do their thing. I loved the movie The Secret Garden; I liked the book too, but I loved everything about that movie, and wanted that garden so badly.

  This is like a piece of that greenness. It’s magical.

  And I may have had slightly more wine than I thought. Or I’m giddy from being with Dominic again.

  Dominic enters the security code and lets us in through the side door leading into the living room. Something bumps my leg and I jump and gasp as Dominic flicks on a light.

  A disgruntled meow throbs through the air. Grawlix.

  “Hey, Grawl. Guess we startled you too.” He allows me to pet him three times, and then stalks out of the room, having acknowledged our presence. I squint after him. “He really is kind of an asshole.”

  “I know. But I wouldn’t like it if he was needy. He’s my first pet and if he constantly hounded me for attention I don’t think I’d enjoy him.” Dominic locks the door behind us.

  “If he was a human, he’d be a grumpy old curmudgeon who surfaced every once in a while.”

  “Yes. ‘Hey, I’ve missed you. You suck at everything, and I hate the food you made me for supper. Thanks for being my pal. Talk to you in a couple days.’” He hesitates by the piano. “Do you think I could play something for you?”

  My laughter dries up in my throat. This never ends well.

  “I take that as a no?”

  “It’s just—”

  “Your condition. Fair enough.”

  He seems disappointed, but like he’s really okay with it. He won’t force the issue because he respects me. He cares about me. “No, Dominic? Play me something. I want to try. And I really want to hear you play.”

  “Are you sure?
Because if you—”

  “I’m sure.” I try to reassure him with a smile, hoping for the best.

  He sits at the bench, gently uncovers the keys, and flexes his fingers a few times.

  And begins.

  My worry melts away beneath the pure, clean tone of the piano. Its position in the room is perfect for the acoustics, making it sound rich, and it echoes slightly like we’re in a concert hall.

  But the music he plays makes my chest ache.

  Notes spill from beneath his fingers and flow over my skin, rooting me to the spot while making my heart soar. The song is impossibly beautiful, but tinged in sadness. Or maybe that it’s affecting me so profoundly it only feels sad. No, not sad at all. Poignant. Resonating within me, feeling familiar but I don’t know why; I can’t identify it.

  Dominic’s eyes are closed as he plays, head tilted slightly to the side. His hands. His hands are a ballet, a mesmerizing dance of grace. How did I doubt, even for a moment, that I’d be safe in those hands? My body, mind, my soul tremble with the beauty he’s unleashing into the air. Barely breathing, I move forward to lay my hands on the piano so I can feel it up close while I listen. The vibration travels up my arms, and I close my eyes, giving into the sound. I live and die a hundred times before the last notes fade from the piano.

  Then I stand there for another lifetime, tasting the remnants of the song with every cell in my body.

  “Elle?” Dominic’s voice is soft, and judging by the sound, he’s standing behind me.

  I realize I’ve leaned over the piano and pressed my body against the surface trying to take the song into my body.

  “Well, this is embarrassing,” I purr, turning my head to look at him. “Bet you’ve never gotten this reaction from a song before.”

  His face is a picture. “It is a first. Did you like it?”

  I stand up and turn around to face him. “Words haven’t been invented yet for how that song made me feel.”

  “Yeah?”

  “I had no idea you could play like that. You’re amazing.”

  “And on that day, his ego grew three sizes,” he jokes.