The only thing I can feel is myself shaking. My brain, my heart can’t seem to cope with anything else.
“It doesn’t mean the end of us, Lucas. We can try to find a way to make this work between us,” I feel her hands on my back, trying to sooth but it has the opposite effect.
“I’ll never consider a long-distance with you if you allow yourself to be bought by him,” I whisper angrily.
Even though I can’t see her, I can feel her flinch from my words.
"Maybe I should go back to the cottage. Give you time and space to think," she murmurs quietly.
I don't say anything because I can't. I don't want her to go but I don't have the will power to not scream at her.
To not beg her.
Because this is the one thing I can’t compete with. She has the opportunity to explore her dream.
An opportunity I can’t give her but Eric can.
She hesitates, waiting for a response and a few moments later, I hear the door click shut behind her. Something drops on the countertop in front of me and I realize that it is a tear. Angrily, I swipe at my eyes, feeling hopelessly, irrevocably - broken.
Feeling raw, that I will fly apart into tiny emotional pieces at any moment, I whisper through my hoarse throat, “There’s no way she can walk away from us.”
Lifting my head, I stare at the closed door that Emma had just walked through.
How could she have so easily dismissed what we have?
“There’s no way she can walk away,” I repeat again in another hoarse whisper.
Not if she cared as much as I do.
But maybe that’s the problem.
She doesn’t care as much as me.
Snickering at myself, my foolishness in almost asking her to marry me tonight, I remove the ring from my jeans pocket. Wrapping my hand around the velvet box, I squeeze it tightly. I had painstakingly gone from jewelry store to jewelry store, searching for the right one, wanting everything about this evening to be perfect. Sarcasm races through me that this ring is the only thing I have left of Emma.
While I had been planning a future, an entire life with Emma, she had been on a completely different path than me.
Instead, she is leaving me. Moving on.
Leaving me with nothing but a broken heart.
Needing to release some of these emotions, I throw on my running gear. Passing the cottage, I don't slow down or glance in. Instead, I speed up, wanting to put distance between us, between this hurt she has inflicted on me.
She came into my life, snaked herself around my heart and has left me reeling. Now she is planning to leave me, to go to Eric.
Why couldn't I have been enough for her? - beats through my head, like a pulse, over and over.
I quicken my pace even more, running...running...
I feel a pain in my chest, taking my already shortened breath away. Forced to stop, my chest heaves as I gasp for air, the world tipping a little. More tears mix with sweat as I bend forward, trying to right my world.
A few moments later, I’m completely drained as I turn and slowly walk back. It takes me a long time to reach my house as I stumble along, numb. I’m completely sapped of any energy to think, to move. Pushing myself to get a shower, I do so methodically, my mind torturing me with memories of Emma. Of how we would sometimes shower together and I would watch the way the bubbles from the soap would slide down the slope of her breast, clinging to the tip of her perfect nipple before continuing its path down her body. Angrily, I turn off the shower and quickly dry myself and dress in shorts and a t-shirt before heading back to my living room, grabbing a bottle of scotch along the way. Sitting on the sofa, I open the bottle and drink until I can’t think anymore.
One shot after the other.
The next morning, I wake on the couch where I had drunk myself into oblivion. My phone is ringing persistently on the kitchen counter from where I had left it yesterday evening. Bringing my hand up to my head, I press in on my right temple, trying to alleviate the pain that is throbbing there.
It doesn't help.
Pushing myself to a seated position, I pause. My head is swirling – aching – matching my heart.
I feel weakened. And not only from my hangover.
I lightly - disdainfully - chuckle aloud at myself.
I fell head over heels for a woman whom I did not bother to ask what she wanted, what her dreams were. I had just assumed she would want me, be happy with me here, living my dream. I know that had been selfish of me.
I also know that deep down its selfish to expect her to give up her dreams but maybe if she had told me about them, I would have kept a little piece of my heart from her before it was too late.
My phone rings again and I lean forward to place my head in my hands, willing the phone to stop, sighing deeply in relief when it does. Pushing myself to a standing position, I slowly walk with my throbbing head, to the counter. Picking up my phone, I’m surprised to see that it is 10am and I have missed six phone calls from my parents, one right after the other. Not able to deal with talking to anyone until I have had coffee and a shower, I decide to do both before returning their calls. As I exit the shower, I hear my doorbell ringing repeatedly – persistently.
I quickly pull on clothes.
Angrily, I stride to the door, pissed that I can't be left alone, furious with both myself and Emma. Swinging it open, all my anger drains as my mother immediately steps forward, wrapping her arms around my waist and laying her head on my chest.
A lump forms in my throat.
Emma must have told them of her decision to leave and it’s why my mom is here now.
I gratefully wrap my arms around my mom.
"Oh...Lucas..." she says, quietly. Her voice is filled with remorse.
I squeeze her, unable to form words around that damn lump in my throat.
She doesn't say anything else for several more minutes and I know she is giving me time.
Finally, I’m able to speak.
"I had planned to ask her to marry me last night," I admit in a whisper.
She stiffens momentarily in my arms before lifting her face from my chest to look up at me. I hate seeing the pity for me written clearly across her face.
"I'm so sorry, Lucas. I had hoped for and suspected that you had met the girl you wanted to marry. I never thought for a moment that she didn't feel the same," she says quietly, tears in her eyes.
"I did too," I whisper through trembling lips as I place my forehead against my mom's.
"Maybe she will change her mind?" she whispers.
Lifting my head away from my mother’s, I release her before I walk to the kitchen. I feel my anger rise, shaking my head, as I reply, "No, I think she knows that if she did, she will always wonder what if. I know I can’t live with that, be with a woman who is questioning if being with me is the right thing for her. I only found out about her plans when we were in California. She told me then it was her dream and by that time, it was too late for me to keep myself from falling for her. "
“What about a long-distance relationship?” my mother asks softly.
Shaking my head, I respond, “It’s all or nothing for me. Plus, her being there with Eric, it would drive me mad. I would be on edge waiting for the phone call to tell me she is with him. I’m already suffering enough; I won’t let this drag out.”
My mother doesn't say anything, keeping her thoughts to herself as I pour a cup of coffee for both of us. We head outside, neither one of us speaking as the sun streams down on the vines that I had so painstakingly and lovingly planted.
Had hoped that mine and Emma’s children would be running through sometime in the near future.
I sit there, my mother silently understanding that the only thing I need right now is stillness but still appreciating her company, as I contemplate how to come to terms that that image will never be fulfilled.
Because Emma is leaving.
And I have to move forward. Move on.
Without her.
"I should be heading into work. I have a position to fill that is best taken care of sooner rather than later," I say quietly to mom after we finish our coffee and I feel I can better face what’s before me.
She nods, her worried eyes scanning my face. As we both stand, she gives me a quick hug as she murmurs, "Don't let this take you down, Lucas. There is someone out there for you."
I don't respond because she doesn't understand. I know she saw Emma and I together, knew that I had fallen way too deep but she didn’t know I had felt this invisible but strong link to Emma from the start.
This strong premonition that she was to be mine.
So I had jumped in, with both feet, never feeling that I was wrong and now I needed to end this...and quickly...for my own sanity.
Arriving at work, I avoid everyone's probing eyes, knowing that someone had already told them. Their faces clearly show concern and pity and it only makes the hurt throb even more deeply because even they could see how much I had fallen for Emma.
Deciding that the best course of action is to deal with everything swiftly and without emotion, I head straight to Emma's office. My heart beats erratically when I arrive at her open door. I watch her for a moment, going about her daily tasks like she had not ripped my world apart. With my heart yearning for her, I silently wish for everything to go back to what it was before yesterday.
My heart beats heavily in my ears, its thrumming a reminder of just how much she owns it, as I force out in an even tone, "I think it's best that you leave right away."
Her head comes up swiftly at my words, and I see that she has been crying, her makeup running down her face.
And I wish I could wake up with amnesia.
That all that we had together would just be completely forgotten. It would be the only thing that could make this easier.
Because I know that otherwise, I will never forget Emma. Will never want anyone else like I wanted – still want – her.
"Lucas," she says softly, a pleading note in her voice. My heart squeezes.
And it’s so god damn painful.
"Emma, I can't have you here," I say softly but firmly.
She nods, dropping her eyes from my face. I watch as she stands, smoothing her pencil skirt down her hips, the hips that I once held as I pushed myself into her.
My heart twists again and I want to stride over to her, shake her, make her realize that this is a stupid mistake. But I can’t ask her to give up her dreams. She wouldn’t be Emma if she didn’t have her own dreams. So instead, I stay where I am as she collects her purse along with a few other items. As she moves past me, it takes everything in me to keep my hands to myself.
Even when she is gone, her scent remains, torturing me. Rubbing my hands over my face, I step out of her office and gently close the door.
I know my life will never be the same.
Chapter 13
Emma
What have I done? - my head is silently screaming.
Taking the stairs down to the restaurant level, I almost turn and run back up to Lucas.
Instead, I propel myself forward.
I have to do this. I have to do this, - I silently repeat.
When Eric had called with his proposition, my heart had raced initially with excitement until I had thought of Lucas. I knew he wouldn't take this well. I’d hoped that he would understand that I needed to do this. It was a dream. Something I had been wanting since I lived in Newfoundland with my parents, back when LA had seemed so glamourous and where I wanted to make my mark. I had to give this a try. Otherwise, I would always wonder.
I’d hoped Lucas would stand by me as I accomplished my dream. Yes, it would be hard with a long-distance relationship but at least I was willing to give it a try.
But he clearly wasn’t.
Getting into my car, I call Eric to let him know that Lucas has let me go. There’s only a small pause from him before he says he will arrange a flight for me to fly down to meet him tomorrow if I can get Quinella's travel papers together in time today. I hang up the phone and immediately search for a local vet. Thankfully, there’s a cancellation and I go back to the cottage to pick up Quinnella before heading to the vet.
I don't allow myself to think about what I’ve done.
About Lucas.
I’m afraid I will change my mind.
That I would live with regrets of unaccomplished dreams.
Arriving back at the cottage, I start packing, unmindfully going through the motions, not allowing myself to think. As I dress for bed in my tank top and pajama bottoms, I hear someone beating on my door.
Swallowing, I debate for a moment if I should answer it, knowing it is Lucas.
I can't seem to stop myself as I swing the door open, hoping deep down that he has changed his mind. That he’s willing to try a long-distance relationship.
But that’s instantly shattered as his heated, angry gaze rakes over me.
"What the fuck are you doing, Emma?" he whispers angrily and I know immediately he isn’t here to talk. He steps inside, sweeping me up against his chest with one arm around my waist as the other slams the door shut, the walls shaking from the reverberation. I don't waste any time in dealing with his anger and quickly wrap my legs around his waist.
Because I need him one last time too.
His eyes flare as he asks nastily, "You want one last taste before you completely fuck me over, Emma?"
Shaking my head, I whisper, "Please...I never wanted to hurt you, Lucas."
He gazes into my eyes as he responds, "It's too late." He squeezes me tighter to him as he walks down the hall. He doesn't stop until he reaches my bedroom where he tosses me carelessly on the bed.
"You want to fuck one more time Emma?" he asks rudely as he unzips his jeans, holding my gaze.
Biting my lips, his words hurting me but also needing a last taste of him, I nod.
He smirks as he pushes his jeans down, his underwear quickly following before he strips off his t-shirt. Looking at that expanse of chest, knowing this will be the last time causes a sob to tear from my throat.
"It's too late now, Emma, for tears," Lucas says brashly as he tugs my pajama bottoms off. Leaning forward, he grasps my tank top by the neck, tearing it completely away from me.
"Fuck, I am going to miss those tits," he says crudely and I know he is trying to hurt me by belittling what we had to only hot sex. As if what we had was nothing.
He roughly pushes my legs apart, staring down at me as he lowers himself to slide up into me.
Another sob tears from me and I wrap my legs around his hips, while trying to pull his head down for a kiss. He avoids kissing me, instead holding his head only inches from mine to stare steadily into my eyes as he gyrates his hips slowly.
"Someday you're going to want the air that I breathe, you’ll wish that you never left me," he vows softly.
Stung, tears overflow my eyes as he moves to kneel between my legs, grasping me by the hips, disconnecting every part of us except where he is deeply seated inside of me. He roughly slams into me a few more times until I feel him spurt into me. I watch as his head tilts back, his beautiful corded neck straining with his orgasm, knowing I will never forget this sight.
It will be forever ingrained in my head.
He slides himself from me and then standing, he quickly dresses. He doesn't glance back at me where he has left me shaken - torn and unfulfilled - as he walks out of the bedroom.
And this time I know for certain, out of my life.
I turn on my side, clutching the bed covers to me. Panic sets in and I suddenly wonder if leaving Lucas is a mistake.
Standing, I quickly find my phone and call him.
He answers but doesn't say anything.
"I think I made a mistake," I whisper through my tears.
I hear him sigh as he murmurs, "Go Emma. I can't live with the possibility that you may regret not giving this a
try. This has been too hard as it is. The longer you stay, the worse it will be for me.”
There is silence between us as I swallow, wondering what I’m doing, if what I’m doing is the right thing.
“This is over, Emma," I hear him whisper. I can tell by his words that he is done with me.
The click as he hangs up echoes through my head. My heart. It all sounds too final and panic overtakes me.
With sobs wracking through me, I dress quickly.
Running to my car, I drive the short distance to his house, and without knocking, I let myself in with the key he gave me.
I tear through every room, calling his name, pleading with him to answer me.
But he isn't home. Drained, I stumble to his couch and sit, staring at my hands, my entire body trembling. I feel overwhelmed, exhausted but mostly terrified that I may have let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers.
Laying back on the couch, I whisper pleas over and over for Lucas to come home until at some point, I fall asleep.
I’m startled awake by my own voice when I call out to Lucas in my sleep. Slowly pushing myself to a sitting position, I glance around and can sense immediately that Lucas didn’t come home. I check my iPhone and there is nothing from him. Selecting his number on my phone, his image fills my screen and I allow my thumb to gently trace his grinning lips as I wait for him to answer.
But he doesn’t answer.
I try texting him, multiple times, but he doesn't respond.
And I know I’ve lost him.
Suddenly, my phone rings in my hand and I jump, hoping he has returned my call finally but the number displayed belongs to his mother.
"Hello?" I answer unsteadily.
"Emma," I hear her say, disapproval evident as she continues, "You have to stop contacting Lucas. This has been hard enough on him."
"I'm sorry," I manage to hiccup. “I just need to speak with him. Is he with you?”
I hear her sigh as she relaxes her tone a little to say gently, "Emma, you are a wonderful girl. He understands that you need to do this and he’s trying his best. He realizes deep down that you have to go, just as you know you have to go. So go, Emma. See if this is your dream after all. Now's your chance."
Unentangled Page 17